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July 21, 2001 //
I'm supposed to be back in Hermosa today playing in Smackfest. I was in LA yesterday, Friday, all day starting w/ a 6:30am flight, because Priceline bent me over on hours. And I stressed. BAD. July 18, 2001 //
awwwww maaaan! I lost my last log. Didn't Blog for some reason. I talked about loving my job, being nervous about failing at it, how that keeps me on my toes. I also talked about moving from the place I just moved into in Blossom Hill. Mike is leaving his place in the city, and I'm going to beg to take his room. By the way, I can't get my own phone line in my current place, much less a DSL line, so I can't work from there. Likely story. "The phone company is not your friend." More reason to move. I'm back. See me grow....... Life is magnificent. How is it that I am so blessed? What did I do to deserve this?
July 9, 2001 //
I just got back from a little "see ya later" dinner. I dread driving away from Hermosa Beach tomorrow, and know that I'll want to procrastinate. How have I become so attached to this place?
I lived in Hermosa Beach once, and I met some great people. " As the youngest of any given groups here, I wonder whether I have touched any of their lives.........
The movers are gone, and all that's left is my DSL line, phone and misc crap that I'll need just in case they don't show up tomorrow at my new place.
The circle is almost closed......
The movers are here right now taking the last of my stuff. I've come to terms with needing to move, and am looking forward to a new job which I am not quite qualified for. More so, I am looking forward to stepping up to the plate and LEARNING.....to adding this package that will make me better. To working on my relationships which I have neglected during this time of pure selfishness and concentration on Self. Its been a big weekend, birthday and all....moving home...not as a different person, but hopefully better. Hopefully. Steph called the other day. We hadn't spoken in a while and she was curious as to what I've been up to, so she came to my website. HOLY SHIT. WHO GOES THERE? WHO READS THIS? I don't think that many friends do, but I was a little taken aback and embarassed. But why be embarassed about the "real me" anyhow? So I guess its Ben, Tim, and Steph. I can deal with that......
July 8, 2001 //
Another birthday passes, and today, at 11-something P.M, I am officially one year older. I think I love it....I mean, older, wiser, hence more beautiful and all that......The movers are coming tomorrow morning to take my things, and so my LA story comes full circle. I am satisfied that I have suffered loneliness, grown, made friends, and had a lot of fun! Most importantly, I have been true to myself by staying past my allotted time, and finally allowing myself to grow to love this.
June 30, 2001 //
"This bridge will only take you half way there to those mysterious lands you long to see Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fairs to the place where unicorns run free So come, take a ride with me and share the mysterious lands I've longed to know. But this bridge will only take you halfway there The last few steps, you'll have to take alone."
Or something like that..... June 27, 2001 //
During dinner, Tyr said, "You should take Vik out." I said, "I don't know where to go anymore." He laughed and responded, "What do you mean? San Jose hasn't changed at all." Have I changed?
I think that I have......I feel beautiful. Maybe physically, but more that the decisions that I make are done so to empower me.
I am beginning to understand the concept of "getting better as I get older...." And I am "officially" older on July 8.
It was so great to spend time with Vik yesterday. We went to dinner, and it really was just like old times....except that we're just a little more grown up now. Her apartment is furnished. This always occurs to me when I am at my friends' homes because I have existed in such a nomadic fashion for so long. I own very few items, and even then, they were deliberately chosen at a price and in a style which I wouldn't be disappointed to part with if the situation arose. Don't get me wrong, I get the pangs every now and then to "own", but alternatively, this also means to "be owned", doesn't it? I have issues with that in every sense of the word that could be its own talk-show. I also have issues with not being "mobile", hence the two cars, my fear of owning, my fear of a live-in situations, my fear of getting too comfortable in one place. I prefer "touch n' go." All my world's a stage...... I am playing my part the best I know how. I am studying and analyzing my character the way I was taught in acting before the first rehearsals began. I am working on perfecting the role I play. As I have told Michael many times when we have done self-critiques over lunch or dinner... I am working on the "perfect package." After so long, It sometimes feels that I have been packaging the wrong items. June 25, 2001 //
OK. Here's another empty promise...pictures of activities and prowls in the South Bay with my brand new, affordable, "it suffices" Olympus D-460 digital camera. I haven't retired my Canon Rebel 2000 or Pentax which take AWESOME pictures, but you gotta' know that digital cameras are the super economical, "trash it if its not perfect", "there's something in my teeth", "I look fat in this picture", preventative of "embarassing moments forever immortalized" bomb. I love it.
This site's blandness has not been worked on in some time. I'm motivated, yes, but I don't have much up here in the creative department. That's really too bad.
The weekend was spent playing on the beach in too hot sand, and too hot sun. Fun, nonetheless. I am less angst about moving and am actually anxious about my new position, though it still remains undefinted as I sit June 20, 2001 //
I'll miss South Bay days like today desperately. As I was on my way out to the Manhattan pier, my neighbor whom I have seen but never met yelled out to me from across the street, "Are you leaving in your car?" "No", I yelled back. "I'm hiking to the Manhattan courts." "I have a girls' bike in here!" he offered. I immediately and not so shyly yelled, "Can I borrow it?" My own Trek 600, which has only been ridden once is sitting in the garage which I don't have the keys to. I had walked into my roommate's room to get the garage opener, but immediately turned around and shut the door without looking because flys are swarming her room. She had left her window open when she left for the weekend. I was dreading the walk to Manhattan, and the inevitable trek back. I crossed to street and said "What's your name?" After introductions, Shone told me that he's a bouncer at Point 705, and that he'd get me in free tonight. Double score. What a nice guy! I made my merry way to the Manhattan pier where the Playboy tournament was taking place, watched a game, and played a few points. I got ill halfway through, a combination of my day old headache, hotter than hell sun, and scalding sand on my feet. I quit when my world narrowed into blackness and circles. Felt fine when I played [and won] with Chris[tine] later. Spent the evening, dinner and hot-tubbed at Stu's. Melancholy. Stoic. Mellow. Niiice. The conversation turned to death, Ouija boards, and loved ones dying, and I had no contributions. The wound is still fresher than I sometimes lead myself to believe......
I'll say it again. I will miss Hermosa Beach, new found friends, and especially getting to know people on my own terms. No reputation, whether good or bad, no childhood friends, no friends of friends. Just me. Me as I am as an adult. Me as I am today.
June 19, 2001 //
"......life is one big party when you're still young, but who's gonna have your back when its all done?"
and now, I'm quoting Shaggy.
and in the end, what is it that matters? what really matters?
"Well it seems it is my time to go...It has been a great ride, I have learned so much from all of you and would like to thank you for the support throughout the times. Close to 4 years of my life have been spent with you and I couldn't have asked for a better bunch to work with. I thought for sure I would be wearing a blue company swoosh until retirement, or a speeding V, or whatever is next. But change is inevitable and we must embrace change and take risks as this company has taught me........" Since lay-offs happened yesterday, tons of e-mails like the above went out to a large group of select individuals at my company. In the midst of my own situation in LA, my focus narrowed on what was happening to me and I momentarily lost sight of how much I want to see us turn around. I got lost in the politics that I felt attacked me, but how could I not for that moment? The company is cost cutting, but there are now TWO people doing the job that I was doing so well on my own??? I know this because I am 100% confident of my knowledge and abilities, and my customers love me and have told me so. How could I help but be jaded when I had to watch my back at the office, leary of the Sales team that I was supposed to work with? Anyhow, that's over, and I've moved above and beyond, though I am bitter that it happened this way, and I am unaccustomed to it. Lesson learned, but I guess I'm not above and beyond, really, huh? I did make amends with my friend who took over my accounts, and let him know that the neither the daggers or heat seeking projectiles I shoot with my eyes are fixated on him. I am passionate about this company and the rollercoasters that many of us have been through. Nearly cried for barely understanding what DSL meant when I first started, and eventually had people coming to me with problems that they couldn't figure out. Saw the stocks at Over $100, then saw them split several times. Recently, a VP referred to me as "a star" and "dedicated" and "hard working." Its been a roller coaster, a long ride, and when I talk about wanting to see it through these hard times, work, I get a little emotional because like any start-up, there have been many hours, and lots of blood, sweat and TEARS invested. Its always sounds a little goofy and gung-ho when people love their jobs/company so much, but I want to be part of the rest of this ride. I guess I'm touched that during this trying time, all my efforts were recognized and repaid in full by many important people at the company who felt it worth their time to spend some of their weekend thinking of how to keep me. AND DID! I have said all my life that I am a very fortunate individual. A lucky girl. In The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho writes, "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it...". I have always believed that, and with so much support, how could I not?
June 18, 2001 //
I am in conflict. I secured a job today.....that was quick, wasn't it? I don't fuck around. Not sure yet what I'll be doing.....
Its been a strange few days, and I feel as if I have been on auto-pilot all the way through. Now that I've achieved my goal which I so rigorously set out to accomplish, I wonder whether its what's best. Its best to have a job secured when there are no jobs to be had, right? Best to have steady income? Best not to be out there competing with the ranks of the "surplus", as my Manager puts it. Is it best for me, though, to leave this quality of life that I've grown to love? 5:00 trips to the beach for volleyball, sunset, and relaxation? God. I am really bummed. Gotta have it all....can't have it all..... |
