It's very rare for me to not be bitterly angry towards Jeremiah. That usually happens when we're at work and I'm checking him out. *sigh* He looks so, so, so gorgeous at work that it kills me. He's not wearing his annoying frat boy outfits, and his hard hat is covering up his annoying hairdo, and he just looks absolutely beautiful. and I want to jump him. Bad. Bad, bad bad. Ugh. It's not very often that I do that sort of thing, but I wish people would just let me enjoy the moment. So what if I'm NOT supposed to check him out and I'm NOT supposed to think he's the fucking hottest thing I've ever seen? The fact is that I DO think he's the hottest thing I've ever seen, and since I can't change the way I think I might as well gawk while I'm at work . . . and hope that he doesn't see me OR my web site. I don't know if he saw me looking at him the other night. If he did, he didn't say anything. I could have sworn he was staring at me through the office windows, though. It looked like he was looking right at me, and there was nobody else in between me and him and I'm fairly sure there was nobody behind me in the office . . . so I tried making faces at him, but I was doing a bad job of it, because I had been caught looking at him and he just kept looking at me with no clearly readable expression on his face. I'm not sure what that's all about . . . but I like when things are simple and he's just someone who's nice to look at versus someone who's nice to look at who is absolutely maddening and annoys the shit out of me and our relationship is shot to hell anyway.
posted 10:49 AM
Shit . . . My father just called somebody and he told them he was "Tracey Coblish's ex -" something. I didn't hear the last part. Could have been work-related, seeing as he used to work with her. I hope that's what it was. I don't want him and Tracey to break up because Tracey is cool. I don't want to ask him about it, either, so I don't know.
I got stuck at work last night. I was pissed as hell, because I didn't even know about it until two hours before my shift was supposed to end. I didn't go out to lunch on account of the horrible weather, cuz I was planning to come home and make manicotti for dinner. If I had known that I was going to be stuck I would have gone out and gotten dinner. I ate a nasty hamburger from Stewart's around 2 am. And I pulled a Steve Longden, by throwing popcorn all over the office. HEhe. Everyone at work is flipping out because we got a new shop manager. *yawn* Big deal. He's from Corbin. I hate when people try to make good first impressions and all that. Just do whatever it is you do, and if what you're doing is really so bad that it's going to freak out the new shop manager (his name is Dean, btw . . . bleh), then you shouldn't be doing it, anyway. People just need to r e l a x. Hopefully I can get weed tonight, but no luck on the fucking acid. UGH!
Shit, I have like, no gas in my car. I hope I make it to work.posted 10:35 AM
Bahaha. Opera doesn't like Blogger too much. I'm typing in a square that can't be any bigger than 50 pixels high and 200 pixels wide.
Mulrooney won't be coming back to The Wolf. As soon as I posted that, I saw on www.timesunion.com that Wolf had Mulrooney arrested for a "threatening" phone call.
Join the cause and FREE JOHN MULROONEY.
I hate when people think they understand the way I feel about Jeremiah. Because nobody ever does, and nobody EVER will, and nobody will ever know the way I beat myself up for the way I feel about him. Ever. I hate him, I love him, I miss him so much it fucking kills me. I can't walk into a restaurant without thinking of all the times we walked into restaurants together and he made us both seem like complete douche bags, because he's a freak. But it was okay, because we were douche bags TOGETHER . . . and that was all I ever cared about. I didn't give a fuck about the rest of the world as long as I had him. I fucking miss him. GOD DAMN IT!!! I want acid. I can't find any. I was told to call Brian, but if Dave ever found out that I called Brian for drugs, he'd kill me. Ugh. Even though . . . aw, fuck it. All I know is that I need something and quick because I sent all my motherfucking weed flying across the room last night. I was pissed. I am still pissed.
Don't ever do drugs, because when you run out of them you get very depressed.
Jeremiah wants to buy a house. A one-family house. Way out on Central Fucking Ave. I don't care, I haven't been to his house in a fucking year, so who gives a shit. He wants a fireplace. *rolls eyes* I wonder if Jeremy will be moving in with him. *rolls eyes again* I can't put it into words, how much I despise that situation, for the same reasons he hates Dave, although Dave and I have a better friendship now than we've ever had. Jeremiah doesn't understand that just because Dave and I had problems a couple of years ago, that they're all resolved. His thing is that Dave is using me. Although Dave isn't using me. And Jeremy is using Jeremiah (gotta love that, Jeremy and Jeremiah, right? Although it's really Jeremy and JJ, but I like Jeremiah better) the same way Jeremiah THINKS Dave is using me. I can't stand Jeremy. But Jeremiah wouldn't be able to understand it. He can't understand anything, just like the rest of the goddam world. I just want to be left alone.
I think I want to move out of Albany just to be as far away from him as possible. Merely having to look at him rips my heart out, and I think I would just feel better if he were miles and miles away from me. I'm thinking Cleveland or Chicago or . . . I don't know. All I do know is that if I do go, I'm transferring through CSX. I love you, CSX.
Drugs. I FUCKING WANT DRUGS!!! I might finish this website someday. You never know. I'm just not motivated to do anything except sit around and think about how shitty life is right now.posted 10:27 AM
I just worked sixteen hours. Why I'm not in bed yet is beyond me. I have to be back there at three.
Hopefully I can get hooked up tonight.
ELLEN Z IS BACK IN ALBANY!!! YAYAYAY!!! *prays to the morning radio gods* Please just bring Mulrooney back too.
sigh.posted 4:31 AM
I am craving acid so bad. If I can't get any, I'm gonna shoot someone. I keep trying, though. Heh, I'm having fun. Too much goddam fun. It's 4 am. I need to get to bed, but who can sleep? Hehe.
Yeah, motherfucker, I'm high, and I'm thankful just to be alive.
I was chatting with a bunch of ubb friends and I invited Jeremiah in and he wasn't too impressed. I guess my friends aren't cool enough for him. He said he was going to go join the Britney Spears chat. Heh, he probably was, what a fucking wanker. Katne kept talking about joy jelly and calling it JJ and she said she wanted JJ on her. It was funny.
Must get drugs. Phase one: collect underpants. Phase three: Profit.posted 1:09 AM
I never went to bed last night. I'm going to Dave's now. I want to get more 'cid, heh. I must. Hah.
Spent a lot of today driving. To Glens Falls to try to get my safety shoes, and to Troy to get Acid Bath cd's. And now I'm going to Dave's. Because if I sit around here I'm going to fall asleep and not wake up until tomorrow and it's my last day off. bleh.
Spent some time talking to Jeremiah this morning. What a cool name that is. What a really interesting clever word, like a snake slipping out of a refrigerator. Heh, well, not really. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from the Stephen King book Firestarter (that guy has a way with words, it's amazing) about how the word slomo sounded like a snake slipping out of a refrigerator. I got to thinking about that last night and it amused the shit out of me. Heh.
But I mean seriously. Here's a guy who was named after a character in a movie played by Robert Fucking Redford of all people, and he's bitching about it. Jeremiah Johnson was one BAD-ASS MOTHERFUCKER!!! How could you be named after someone like that and not be totally lovin' it? And have people call you George for chrissake? Come on now. I can't call him JJ. I do it at work, but I try not to do it as often as possible. I just don't like the way it sounds. Jay-Jay. It sounds so STUPID. It sounds like Gay-Gay. ugh. I'm sure he likes that, though.
He used to bitch, because Jeremiah is such a biblical name. Wah, wah, wah. I don't think it's biblical at all. I think names are defined by the people who you come across throughout your life with that same name. All guys named Dave are terribly nice . . . you get the idea.
I don't know. The more I think about him, the more he pisses me off, but right now it's a "I'll tolerate his crap" kind of pissed off. I'm just sick and tired of feeling like I should call him George when mentioning him to mutual friends, calling him JJ at work and wanting to call him Jeremiah elsewhere. I wish he'd make up his mind. Jeremiah is such a cool name. What's wrong with him? I was named after the chick who played Joanie on Happy Days for chrissake! (And he had a goddam field day with that: "Joanie LOVES Chachi!!!" UGH, get your hands off me unless you're gonna put em there and be serious about it, bastard!)
I'm done being philosophical now.
I was thinking too, last night, about me and being here and how I always want to go for a ride or a road trip and how Jeremiah and I would always do that. Maybe I should get the Christ right out of Albany, you know? I don't know. I don't really MIND Albany, and I have friends here and I have a job here (that I'll never consider leaving, so if I did leave Albany I'd have to transfer through CSX) and if I went to a city where I knew NOTHING and NOBODY I'd be afraid, but you know . . . other towns are always so much more interesting than your hometown. I don't know why.
Dave's waiting for me, though.posted 12:17 PM
Here is the last place I want to be right now . . .
I'm tripping right now. I want to be in a plane. Heh. I don't know. I just want to BE somewhere. This isn't very fun, where I am right now. Although it is, kind of. Right?
Right.
I want some gum. I want gum quite badly. I don't think me going to the store to get gum would be a good idea right now. I mean, shit, I can probably pull it off, but how often do I go out places stoned and thinking, "Can people tell if I'm stoned or not? I don't know . . ."
It's quite unfortunate that I can't take acid every night. I feel good. I feel so fucking good. I'm not seeing much, but I feel oh so fucking good. Christ. I don't know, this must be what people who take heroin or smoke crack feel when they first get high. For them it only lasts a couple of minutes and it's a lot more expensive. Me, this is going to go on for hours and I only paid twenty dollars for an entire night of fucking festivities. It's very interesting to watch my chubby little fingers type, heh.
If I could just take Advil for my headaches, other than that I would be just fine, just fine.
I am just so full of so much motherfucking energy right now. I hate to waste it, but there's not much to do. My father is going to be home and by then I'm going to be hiding in my bedroom with the lights off, but it's only ten o'clock now. I want to talk to Jeremiah, but why? He's useless. A freaking slug.
I really wish Dave were here. I think I might have to talk to Dave, but who knows if he'll be willing to cooperate with me or not.
I want gum oh so fucking badly.posted 6:48 PM
Motherfucking blah.
I've been thinking a lot today . . . I found the letter that I wrote to Jeremiah about a year ago. I said I was sorry, but I loved him. And that I'd always loved him.
I'm laughing at myself now. Why the hell did I tell him that? Would we still be friends if I hadn't told him that?
Does he still have the letter? I hope not. If he does, it's probably been circulated a million times by now. I don't trust him.
I found a letter dated from him two years ago that claimed some psychiatrist told him he wasn't gay, just confused. He went on to say, "...got me to thinking, but I won't go into that right now."
Thinking about what, George?
I miss being able to call him George and not feel weird about it. I don't know what to call him really. Jeremiah is his name, but it sounds very foreign. George was how I knew him for the longest time, but his name's not George. He wants to be called JJ now, and I do it at work, but outside of work, well, I hate JJ. It sounds so stupid and on top of that when he went from being "full-on George" to "full-on JJ" he changed for the worse. I hate JJ and everything he stands for. I miss George. I really miss George.
But then again I've been looking through a lot of old letters, journal entries, etc, and all he did was lie to me and make me crazy. Why did I love him as much as I did, as I still do? I don't know. I don't know anything. I know it's time for bed, though. I'm tripping tomorrow. I think I'm bleeding. One more goddam thing to worry about. Wonderful.posted 2:04 AM
Okay, heh, I'm a fiend.
I got more 'cid. I think I'm going to trip tomorrow night after work, but I'm not sure, Joe. It really wipes you out, and I don't know if I want to do it again so soon. I did fucking love it, though.
I love my sherlock, it's the coolest pipe ever.
I was so stupid today. Today I had "sensitivity training" at work (for which I get a free pair of safety shoes, value of up to $100, yay me) and it got over early and I didn't have to report to work until seven, so I ran home and ate the rest of my Subway. I got on the computer and stupid Jeremiah was on and Jeremiah is so stupid that he has to ask me the lamest computer questions. Anyway, he asked me what the normal resolution for scanning a picture is. I don't know why I answered him. I shouldn't have. Isn't that stupid turd burgler, Jeremy, around? Why can't he ask him? Then he blew me off and I guess he was scanning pictures that him and Carly took in Provincetown. I was really pissed that weekend. He'd invited me to go to Cape Cod, and I told him I was interested in going. Then two weeks later I asked him about it, and he said, "I never said anything about Cape Cod!" I figure he wanted to get out of it because if anyone better came along, he'd take them instead and wouldn't have to take my ugly, boring, fat ass.
At work, Suzi told him I had a date and that we hung out New Year's Eve and all this other stuff, and she told him I went to a concert and that was why I took the day off (when it was really to recuperate from tripping). He asked me last night what concert I went to and I told him I didn't go to any concert and he said Suzi said I went to a concert and then I remembered telling Buddy Love that I was going to a concert in Poughkeepsie (I mean, what was I gonna tell him? "I need Saturday off because I'm dropping acid Friday night and I want to recuperate." Yeah, right.) I told him that British Steel, a Judas Priest tribute band, was playing, and I was going to go, but instead I went and played cards at Dave's house. (British Steel was playing at the Chance in Poughkeepsie some Saturday night in January, but what night it was and if it even happened for sure is beyond me. And they were playing cards at Dave's house, and I was invited, but fucking Dave never called me back.) So yeah, and he goes, "Why do you gotta lie to me like that?" I just laughed. I laughed at him all night, every time I thought of him saying that. All he is is a big fucking joke, and it's kinda sad, actually. I miss my friend, but there ain't nothin' I can do. It's like that book, Christine by Stephen King, where Arnie gets possessed by the dude who sold him that car, Roland D. LeBay. The same thing is happening to Jeremiah. He's changed a lot. It's like he's been possessed by some really fucking annoying person. A person named LeGay, instead of LeBay. HAH! Take that.
I'm going to smoke pot and sleep. I don't want to think about that loser, that arrogant prick anymore.posted 11:49 PM
Look, I'm blogging.
I feel really fucking weird ever since I dropped acid. I feel like I really, really want to do it again, and I don't know if that's bad or what. It's like I'm craving that buzz. Heh, I can't handle my drugs. I'm trying to get some more. I probably won't do it again for at least another week, though. And on top of it all, I feel depressed. I don't know why. I was fine until I went to work today and had to face Jeremiah. I don't know if it's cause of the drugs, or cause of him, but I like to think it's cause of him. I thought I had it all figured out, but of course, I felt all the same old stupid feelings when he was talking to me. (And I was begging silently, "Please don't talk to me.") He laughed at all my jokes and I love his laugh and his smile... and I don't think he realizes it kills me to see it.
I'm still mad at him. He threw a fit over my not wanting to let him borrow my digital camera, and EVERY TIME he sees me at work he has to make a statement about how I need another job or why I didn't take another job or why I want to work in the shop. He's so FUCKING annoying, I want to rip my hair out. I told him off once and it did no good. I'm afraid to tell him off a second time. I hate him, I'm afraid of him, and I miss him. I just hurt all the time where he's concerned. I miss him like hell and thinking about how far apart we are really hurts . . . but then I realize how goddamn annoying he is nowadays and that helps a little.
It didn't occur to me until yesterday that I hate him and I'm angry at him but I bottle all this anger up, I never release it. For some reason whenever I want to tell him off, I choke on my fucking words. I don't want to even mess with it. I just want him to leave me alone. Or no. Half the time he leaves me alone and the other half of the time he pesters me. I wish he'd stop being so damn wishy washy where I'm concerned and just stop talking to me already. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's all my fault or what, but I was so crazy about him I'd put up with all of his shit, and I've been around so fucking long it's unreal, and he pushes me around more than ANYBODY and I just take it. I think it's pretty bad when your friends think you're annoying, though, not that he has that many friends to begin with . . . He doesn't need me anymore, anyway.
I'll just keep on choking back the words until I fucking explode someday.posted 11:27 PM