Illusions of Grandeur

Well, let me tell 'ya... it has been a hell of a week. I've just not been good for much of anything. My grandmother's death really took a lot out of me. It was very emotional. I still can't believe it. I'm still in a great deal of shock.

So Wednesday I went with the family to pick out a casket. I've never been involved with that. Let me tell you, there are a LOT of ugly caskets. Like trashy lookig casket. I don't want to be buried in a rose and pink colored metal casket. *ugh* We picked out a lovely Poplar wooden casket with cream velvet interrior. That's another thing... you know how when you have a baby if it's a girl everyone gives you baby pink stuff and if it's a boy you are inundated with baby blue? Well, when you die, it reverts. All the interiors were either baby pink or baby blue. I mean, come on. How... childish and just deprecating. I'd like a rich navy blue or black... just think how SLIMMING black would make you look. Actually, I look good in black. Anyway, we finally found one with the cream and that was very nice... but most don't have the cream option... you can have baby blue or baby pink... and that's it, baby. The one we picked came in at a modest $2,500.00

And so then we had to pick the vault for the casket to be incased in. This is of course to keep the moisture and bugs and stuff out. It's air tight and vacuum sealed. Of course we had to get the zinc coated one so it wouldn't rust. 12 gauge zinc coated steel vault. $1,200.00.

So, we add those numbers to the $2,400.00 for funeral home fees... and the $900 you have to pay the cemetary to open and close the grave. $900 to dig a hole. And they got you, you know. You've already bought the plot. Your husband is buried right there... it's not like you can say "ummm... never mind... can you just dig up granddaddy and we'll take 'em to a place that won't charge us $900 for a hole". No, you have to cough up the money because you have to have your hole.

The visitation was on Wednesday night and it was very nice. Grandma looked lovely. The hair dresser kinda messed up her hair. She looked like she'd been riding in a convertible. I volunteered to fix her hair if the hairdresser couldn't come back out. I mean, the thought terrified me, but I couldn't let her have her visitation with her hair looking like that. But her hairdresser came back out and did a number on her hair and it turned out looking beautiful.

I was very disapointed at the outfit my grandmother was wearing. Grandma had a lovely creamy complexion and dark almost black hair. She looked radiant in red. I went through my history of grandma portraits and in EVERY one... about 8 that I could find through the years, she wore red. She knew that she looked phenomenal in red and she wore it when she wanted to impress. So we picked out this lovely elegant dark red suit with matching red piping on the jacket. It had a slight "v" neckline to show off her lovely unwrinkled neckline (at 74 my grandma had NO wrinkles). I knew she'd look great in that suit. But Charles (her husband of 8 years) wanted her to wear this navy blue suit that he had bought her. It was a pretty suit but very plain. Just a navy blue jacket with two buttons over a cream silk blouse and a scarf. Dark blue is not her color... she needs bright reds and greens and blues. I told Charles that she would look AWESOME in the red, that red was her color and she always wore it when she was dressing up. But he liked the blue suit. Daddy told Charles he preferred the red. Charles wanted the blue. We conceeded gracefully. I also wanted her to wear my granddaddy's wedding ring. She always wore it on her right hand. Charles only wanted her to wear HIS wedding ring. I wanted to punch the man. He may have been her husband for 8 years, but she was MY grandma for 27 and damnit, I deserved to have some say too. I was very close to grandma and I know what she would have liked.

I was inanely satisfied to have several people comment to me through the night that grandma looked beautiful, but WHO picked out her suit and wouldn't she have looked so much nicer in a bright color like she usually wore. HA!

I know it's silly, but I just wanted her to look her best the last time people would ever see her.

I can't beleive she's gone.

Throughout the visitation I felt sorry for my younger sister, Heather. We were standing in the receiving line next to each other and the ladies would come by and say to her "are you April?" and she'd say "no, I'm Heather" and they'd say "I'm sorry about your loss" and then they'd come to me and say "are you April?" and I'd say yes and they'd say "Your grandma loved you so much, she talked about you all the time. she was so proud of you and your little Katie." I mean, I know they didn't mean any harm by it, but it happened about 20 times and I could feel Heather getting upset beside me. I was the oldest grandchild and was very close to grandma. I know she loved Heather, but I was always kinda her "favorite" if you could classify it such.

Towards the end of the evening I would go and gaze at grandma lieing there in her casket. God, I couldn't beleive it was her. I couldn't beleive I was standing there looking at her. It was so surreal. I willed myself to wake up. It couldn't possibly be real. I wanted to hold her, touch her, kiss her... I wanted her to hug me again. I've never touched a dead person before. But this was my grandma. I touched her arm, clothed in that navy blue jacket. It was strange... she was so hard... no pliability. My hand wandered father to touch her hand. That was better. Hands are supposed to be hard... but it was so cold... she was so cold. I leaned over and kissed her forehead. Oh, God, I couldn't believe this.

On Thursday was the funeral. We had a lunch before hand and then went to the church. They had the casket open again which I didn't quite suspect. I had already said my goodbyes, but seeing her again, I had to say them again. I stayed by her as everyone shuffled past... I didn't want to leave her side. Katie, my little three year old wanted to give grandma kisses. So Eric leaned her over and she kissed grandma on the forehead. It was very sweet. I held grandma's hand and told her how much I was going to miss her... how much I loved her and how sorry I was I didn't go visit more. I was always going to get her a computer. But I didn't. I had one I could have given her... but I didn't. I leaned over and kissed her cheek and told her I loved her and almost ran out of the church. I had to get out or I was just going to fall apart.

I don't remember much of the service. I was just staring at the closed casket and thinking how impossible that this could be. I just, I can't believe it....

Just in case anyone wants to e-mail me, my e-mail is down, but you can get me at aprilrain@onebox.com.

My grandmother died yesturday morning. I wrote a story about her once... The Roster. Well, that was about her and how she met my grandfather.

I'm in complete shock. I can not beleive that this has happened. My dreams last night were filled with her. I vacillate between utter despair and complete disbelief. This can not possibly be.

Grandma was only 74. When I was younger, 74 was very old. But as I watched my great-grandmothers advance to 90 and almost 100 years old, I started to realize that 74 is not old at all. My other grandmother is 72 and she still has sex. So, to me, 74 was not old at all. Grandma was so tall and stately and beautiful... very young looking with little or no lines on her face... dark hair, eyes you could hardly tell if they were green or brown, and a beautiful smile. When she spoke she sounded just like Dixie Carter. Not that redneck southern talk... but that gentile, cultured deep south sound. She was a teenager during World War II and went to dances and played with the boys. She, like her mother before her, attended college and got a College Degree and then in the mid 40's left her home in South Carolina to move to North Carolina and begin teaching Business at a small rural high school. I think that is very brave... she had no friends or relatives up here when she moved. When she died she had more than I can possibly name or count.

Over the last hours I keep battling the guilt that is assuaging me. I should have gone to visit more... she was only about a mile down the road. I should have gone to see her on Sunday, but I went to see my other grandma instead. I should have... I should have... We were all going up to my dad's for memorial day. Grandma, her husband, Eric, Katie and I were going to spend 4 days in Boone. She was looking forward to it so much. She talked about it every time I saw her... making sure I was still going. Talking about how good it will be to spend time with us. Reminiscing about the trip she and I took to Boone when I was younger.

I went to the mall last night to buy a dress to wear to the wake. I'm walking around and my eyes catch all these OLD ladies... faces deep lines and bodies frail. I feel resentful. THAT is supposed to be my grandma. She's supposed to live 15 to 20 more years. She's supposed to call me "Appo Wells" again and sit with Katie and read "Little Black Sambo" and Nursery Rhymes. She's supposed to make home made macaroni and cheese and banana pudding for me. She's supposed to play chinese checkers with Katie just like her mother did with me. Her hair is supposed to grow snowy white and she's supposed to tell me more stories about her life. How many stories did I not hear? How many stories are now lost? Why didn't I go visit more often?

The death was sudden and unexpected. She had a heart attack yesturday morning and died. I don't know if she was dead when she reached the hospital or not. She was not sick. She had no health problems. By all accounts she looked beautiful and lively at church on Sunday. This is not supposed to happen.

I probably won't be conscious for a few days.

Okay, the Bon Jovi concert ROCKED!!! It was awesome! It was fun! My quad muscles hurt too much to dance, but it was great! Man, if I were 16 I would have been going absolutly crazy! A few songs when they started I did get really excited. :-)

I had a very good time going with AJ. He had his arm around me the whole time. He gave me soft kisses and carresses. When they played "I'll Be There For You" he totally took me into his arms and held me close and rocked with me. I laid my head on his shoulder and he leaned his head against mine. It was a very romantic moment, even if we were in a crowd of hundreds of people.

Afterwards we sat in the parking lot and talked and talked. I told him, finally about Robin. It had almost come up a few times but I didn't want to get into it. But I told him about what Robin did to me. It's hard not to talk about it sometime because I feel like it was such a prominent part of my life. A very negitive part, unfortunatly. Afterwards he looked like he was going to cry and he stared at me and said "Oh, honey... I'm never going to hurt you. I'm going to make up for all the bad things he did" and I said "you don't have to make up for anything." I don't want pity from anyone, I just want certain people to know what happened in case I ever talk about it or make a comment, or see him again and just start kicking his ass or run over him, I want people to know why I'm doing it.

We stayed in the parking lot and cuddled and kissed. We were doing some serious necking. :-) We were the only ones in the parking lot and when the tow truck started driving around we decided we should probably leave. So we went back to where we had left my car and kissed for about 4 hours. It was after 3:30 when I finally went home. Man, let me tell you, he is hot. He could be soooo incredibly sweet and sensitive and then he could pull my hair and kiss me with such passion that I wanted to just have him right then and there. He was extremely attentive to my breasts and it felt soooo good. They are actually a bit sore this morning, but it's alright. They haven't had any attention paid to them in a long long long while. When things would get a bit too heavy we'd stop and talk a bit. He told me he loved me to pieces and that he really enjoyed seeing me. We started asking "hypothetical questions." some were serious some we threw in to be silly. He looked at me and said "hypothetically, do you think you could love me?" and I just couldn't help but grin ear to ear. I was smiling so big I couldn't say anything. He said "I'm sorry, it's too soon to be asking you that." and he started talking about something else. In the middle of one of his sentences I said "yes" and he looked at me quizzically. I said "to your question." and he said "oh, okay" and smiled. I said "hypothetically, do you think you could love me?" and he said "desperatly."

We had gone to dinner before the concert and we were talking and he said "I think I'm going to end up loving you a lot more than you love me" or something like that. That of course made me smile and I said "I don't know, I think you'd be hard pressed to accomplish that."

I'm just, I'm walking on air. I'm so happy. I can't concentrate on work, I just want to see him. Be with him. Touch him. Laugh with him. I didn't expect this. I wasn't looking to become emotionally involved with someone, but I just can't stop. I can't help myself. He's nice and sweet and emotional and passionate and intelligent and silly and funny and so very cute and damn if he doesn't have some awesome chest hair. *lol* And oh my god is he great at necking. He is possibly one of if not THE best necker I've ever made out with. And I appreciate a guy who is down with some foreplay. Oh, how I appreciate it.

I'm seeing him today for lunch and tommorow all day. Eric and Katie are going fishing at the beach. I should go to the beach, but I just don't want to. I'd rather stay here. I havn't told Eric all about AJ. He knows that I had dinner with him on Tuesday and that we went to the concert last night. I havn't told him how much I like him. I don't want to really hurt his feelings. This morning he told me he thinks he can afford to stay in the house and he thinks he wants to keep it. I told him that was fine with me so long as he keeps up with the bills. I am not planning on buying anything right off the bat, but renting an apartment to stay in. I want to move out really soon. I don't like duplicity at all. And I probably won't be able to keep it up much longer without telling Eric what is going on and what I'm feeling. But I want to wait a week or so. I don't know why, but I do.

I know what I'm doing is kinda wrong. But Eric and I are still seperated even though we live in the same house. I don't love him. I don't share a bed or finances with him. I'm virtually on my own and we just kinda sleep with each other when we are horny but there is little or no passion in it. Just kinda a thing to release sexual pressure. I think we will be much happier apart than together.

I have a feeling today is just going to be the longest day in history. Oh, I am so very very sure.

I havn't been very inspired to work lately. I'm frusterated with this database and I don't have any buddies here. Makes it difficult to think of a reason to come in. I want to see about working from home soon. I hope they let me. It's not like I actually SEE people here or anything.

I went by and looked at an apartment yesturday. I didn't do the thorough walk though... I was in a hurry. I just can't figure out where I want to live... a lot of it depends on what Eric does and if they let me work from home.

Tonight is the Bon Jovi concert and I'm very very psyched. :-) AJ is going with me. You know, the first boyfriend. Oh, my goodness. I'm really starting to dig him more and more. I mean, I dug him when I was like 13, but I'm starting to really dig him again. I hope that he likes me as much as he seems to. I hope that he hasn't found my blog and is reading everything.

I guess I should describe him for your visual enjoyment. Of course, I enclosed a photo below... but he has the blondish hair and a really nice fully goattee. Not one of those prickly goattees... but... we'll just say that the man can grow some facial hair. He has blue eyes and he's oh so very cute. He's perhaps and inch taller than me and I'm 5'7". Or, actually, that was when I was wearing heals, he's probably about 5'9". I usually go for taller... but that's alright. He has chest hair. Yum. I dig chest hair. I just adore men with hairy chests. He's really funny... I'm not saying he should be a commedian... but he makes me laugh and he laughs when I say silly things. And he's a southerner! I'm sick of dating yankees and westerners. Not that I dislike Yankees and Westerners, but your values tend to be so different. I havn't dated a southerner in so long. He holds the door for me, pulls out my chair, walks on the outside of the street, lets me walk before him in a resteraunt and puts his hand on the small of my back to guide me and I just love that to pieces. A man with manners. And he dresses nice... he can color coordinate! Oh, I'm starting to like him a lot (again).

On Tuesday he called me like four times at work and then we met Tuesday night. We had dinner at Dalat's and then went walking around the lake. We were sitting on a picnic table looking out over the lake and he reached out, took my face in his hand and kissed me. It was a very small kiss... a very soft kiss... no real tongue action to speak of but very nice. And then he appologized and I said it was alright. I wasn't really expecting him to kiss me so it did take me by surprise, but I did thouroughly enjoy the kiss.

We decided to walk some more. I had to potty fiercely. We got to the facility with the bathroom and it was locked up tight. I couldn't wait to drive anywhere to pee, I had to go BAD... so I ended up doing it in the woods and that was fairly embarrising. On my first "date" I go pee in the woods. I guess it could have been worse, I could have peed on him. We sit on another picnic table and talk and joke some. He tells me that he really wants to kiss me again and would I have any objections. I say that I really can't think of any at the time and he kisses me. And we kissed for like two hours or something. I'm talking we were doing some serious bonafide necking. And oh, he was very good at it. He touched my face, my hair, my shoulders, my arm... he caressed me with his hands without begin too forward. And he kissed me and nibbled on me and licked me. And, I'm pretty sure this went on about two hours although it didn't seem like two hours at the time. We decided we had to go and we'd walk a bit and kiss for awhile and walk a bit and kiss. He told me he was so happy to see me, that he wanted to see me some more, that he thought I was pretty... how much he wanted to hold me. At one point we are kissing and he said something about making love to me and it didn't sound threatening or anything... more like a promise to look forward to. And the way he said it was very sexy.

We stood at the car and kissed some and then I really had to go, it was very late. Later than I had thought. I had to pull in to a gas station and get gas and he pulled in behind me and pumped the gas for me. He told me he wasn't following me, but he was going to stay at his mom and dad's house and they live right by me so he'd be going home the same way I was.

On Wednesday he called me three times and we had lunch. We held hands and chatted. He told me he wanted to see me again, that he hoped I didn't mind him calling me. I said that I did not. I left work early yesturday and he called and said he wanted to see me. He asked if I could go pick him up a pack of cigarettes and bring them to him. That was if I was still close to where he worked. I wasn't, but I wanted to see him too, so I picked them up and braved traffic to go to his office. He met me outside and we stood there and talked. He gave me his home number and asked me to call him.

I called him around 11. I would have called earlier, but Eric and I were discussing some things. Mainly breaking up. He wants me to stay a while longer and I just don't want to. He says it is inconsiderate of me not to stay. I tell him that I know I can't afford the house and we either need to sell it or he needs to figure out what he can do to keep it. I want to move out soon. In the near future. He just wants me around for financial reasons.

AJ told me he wanted to see me again last night. That he really enjoyed talking to me and getting to know me again. He called me this morning. I'll see him tonight for the concert and I can't wait. I'm very excited. :-)

And with that I'd like to announce that I've lost 6 lbs. :-)

This is a letter that I wrote and sent to Eric today:

"Dear Eric,

I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few, I don�t know, weeks, days, years� I told you a little of what I have been feeling on Sunday when I was so depressed. It wasn�t all about the food, although the food was certainly part of it. Some of it had to do with just feeling unhappy and trying to figure out why.

I have become extremely competent in placing blame for my unhappiness on things around me� material things. Not because I am a material person, but because it doesn�t hurt the feelings of an object if I am not happy with it. I can say that I�m not happy because I was living with your mom, or because I was living in California, or because I don�t have a dog, or something. But when I get these things that I thought would make me happy, they didn�t. I�m still not happy. I want to be happy.

I wish I knew what actions I could take to make me happy. But I don�t. I�ve tried everything that I could think of� but it isn�t working. I thought having our finances separated would make me happy� and it made me feel better about being in control, but I wasn�t happy.

And so I really thing that the problem is US. I know that we haven�t been arguing lately very much. But arguing and not arguing is not all there is to it. Having sex or not having sex is not all there is to it. I�m just not happy with this relationship. I have tried and tried and tried. I don�t think that you are happy with this relationship either. And I don�t really feel like we should continue to live together. I know that staying in the same house was more my idea than yours. But I�m starting to feel the lack of freedom in that. I don�t want to have to ask your permission if I want to go out, or feel guilty for you being home and I�m not. I felt this way when I was going out with the guys and that�s one of the reasons that I stopped. I felt this way when I was down in Austin and I felt this way last night and I know that I will feel this way tomorrow night. You can�t tell me you didn�t feel a bit resentful that I was out and you weren�t expecting me to be. And in that way, I�m not free.

I know that being apart we will not be completely free. We�ll have custody of Katie at least part of the time, but the times that we don�t have her, we will be free, and we won�t have to make sure we aren�t hurting the other person so much when we try to do the things that we want to do.

And it�s not just a matter of �getting to do what we want to do.� It�s that I just don�t think that this relationship is right or healthy for us and I�m beginning to think that we are just wasting our time for trying

We will never be completely out of the other�s lives and I don�t want that. I like you, I really do. But there is little passion there, basically only platonic love and we don�t really have the same values at all. WE don�t enjoy doing things for each other, we aren�t in it for each other and you have to be in a healthy relationship.

I think another reason that I have been trepidatious to go out on my own, other than not feeling financially secure enough has been my family. My family has really put a lot of pressure on me to stay together. They love you. They adore you. They think you are the best thing since sliced bread. The fact that I�m not in love with you is my fault. Every time I bring up us not being together I get told about all the wonderful things that you are. I know these wonderful things, and in many ways you are wonderful. But we just aren�t wonderful together. I wish that they�d realize that. I don�t like the negative attention from my family. I don�t like it at all. I don�t like knowing that they are going to blame our breakup on me� I�m the terrible person in all this. I�m the one that has screwed it all up. I don�t like people thinking I�m a bad person. It tears me up. It makes me feel comatose.

I don�t think either one of us is at fault. We can�t be at fault for being who we are. I love you. I just don�t love you as a wife should love her husband� I never have.

Another reason I have stayed is fear of not being able to support myself. Fear of failing. But I am making more money now and feel more capable of supporting myself. I feel like I can do it now. I�m not hardly even scared about that anymore.

I�ve also not wanted to �backtrack.� I wanted a house. Breaking up will mean going back to apartment living somewhere for at least a little while. I feel like I will be losing all that I was building� just watching the waves come up to destroy the sandcastle I have painstakingly tried to build. But the wave is myself� I�m the wave. I don�t like being the wave.

I've also not been feeling at all attractive. You know how depressed I have been about my weight. I'm happy that we are doing something about that. I thought that was something that could perhaps bring us together. But you know what... in the past two months I have had guys try to pick me up in clubs and a guy try to pick me up at KMart and they were all nice looking guys... and John was at least a little interested in me, and J says he finds me very attractive and I'm feeling more attractive. I've lost 5 lbs. I feel myself on my way to feeling better about myself... so maybe I could find a man... you know? I've been feeling that if we broke up I wouldn't be able to find anyone and I'd be alone with no dates and I don't want to be alone with no dates. I know that sounds really shallow, but I think it has to do with my self-confidence, you know?

The last few weeks I have been looking around at houses and townhomes and apartments to rent again. At first it just started as a curiosity� but in the last week or more it�s been a lot more insistent. I WANT to be on my own. I really do. I look forward to it.

I don�t want to hurt your feelings. I care about you deeply. I don�t want to hurt Katie. She�s my angel and I adore her. I don�t want to screw up again. I screwed up with Sean and I don�t want to screw up again. But where Sean just disappeared frommy life, you will always bee there. We have Katie and you will always be apart of my life and I am happy for that. I don�t want you to not be. And if this doesn�t work and we mutually decide we want to try it together again, then we always can� there is nothing stopping us but how we feel about each other. But I want to make sure it�s because I love you and need you and not because I�m lonely or I�m scared to be alone or I�m feeling insecure financially.

I�m sorry. I have been finding it very hard to talk to you about this. I�ve wanted to. I�ve been virtually unable to concentrate on my work from thinking about all this. And so I wanted to get it out� to let you know how I feel� And to let you know that I�m sorry I can�t try any more. That I�m sorry that I�m unhappy and I�d give anything to have it another way� for us to be in love and happy and content with each other. We�ve never been content and happy with each other. Not from the very first moment. And that is a lead weight and not a very good track record for us.

I�m sorry�

April"

Well, I guess now we just wait and see what happens...

I find myself once again purusing house-for-rent ads. I don't know... *big sigh* I'm just not happy. Something is definitly missing from my life and I think I just need to get over my fear and MOVE OUT... Get my own place... Be free and out on my own... Eric and I AREN'T going to be together forever and I'm just wasting my life away staying with him. I could be out enjoying myself... having fun... meeting people... finding the man that I AM going to spend the rest of my life with. But instead I stick around in this dead end relationship.

It's not that we've been argueing or anything lately. I mean, we barely do anything with each other and I think that is part of the problem. I want someone who is interested in hanging out with me. I want to SLEEP with someone. Cuddle up and sleep... all snuggled and warm and safe.

When Eric and I split for good my family is going to freak. They think Eric is just great. I think he's great too, just not great for me. ANYONE WANT HIM??? I'm really worried about the reaction from my family. They want to see us happily married and living together ever after. It would be great (and a lot easier and less expensive for me) if that were the way it would work out, but it isn't. That's just not the way it is going to be and I need to work up to severing the ties. I need to start aggressivly saving money. That's what I need to do. With my salary, I know I could support myself and Katie with Eric's child support.

And always when I get about ready to make it on my own I start to feel like perhaps I'm just chasing rainbows. I don't want to screw up again. I'm terrified of screwing up again. I just don't wan to mess up again!

Okay, so I wanted to finish what I was writing about my first boyfriend. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, and you want to... then read my May 2nd post first. :-)

Alright, so where were we... Oh yes... the movies. So we were waiting for "Teen Wolf" to start, and Albert and a friend of his walk over and he's like "I've been trying to talk to you all year." And we talk a bit and he decides to ditch the movie he was going to see and watch "Teen Wolf" with us. I think I saw about a minute of the entire movie. *lol* Albert movies quickly, and well, I guess I was easy! We made out the entire time. Just kissing you know... but still. Well, we started "going together." after that.

We'd hold hands at school... we were inseperable. He'd leave me cute little notes in my locker. I still have them all... well, probably all of them. I joined drama club because of him. He was always saying "groovy" and I picked it up and, well, I still say it! :-) I think we went out like three months and for him, that was a record. He was like the Middle School Giggolo! :-) I remember, a few years ago I was getting my hair cut and the girl cutting my hair went to school with me. She dated Albert a couple years after I did. While she was cutting my hair she said "You dated Albert didn't you?" and I said "Yeah, but EVERYONE dated Albert." I just dated him a lot longer than a lot of the other girls did!

I don't remember now why we broke up or who broke up with whom. But it was fun and he was my first boyfriend and first guy I ever felt in love with who I felt recipricated. Unrequited love doesn't count. :-) And now, for your viewing pleasure, the photo is one I dug up of Albert and I... circa 1988...

Katie and Eric are at one of Katie's classmate's birthday party. I wanted some time to myself.