"i was a lover for the world to woo...

another thing - a difference I've noticed about native Californians and midwesterners.
If there's a difficult/gross job that you're doing, and both of them really don't want to do it, the midwesterner will be polite and ask you if you want help (of course hoping you'll say no), but the californian won't.
I've run into this several times with Darby. Maybe it's just Darby. I finally called him on it, and said, "where I come from..." i'm finding that people from the midwest are just plain nicer and more polite about things than people from out here. People in the midwest say "excuse me" when they try to get by you in stores, people here don't.
blogged by moodle at 11:42 PM

i have been neglecting this blog in favor of the written journal (I was in organic mode, I guess), but I just don't have the forearm strength to write a whole bunch of pages today.
Many things I'm thinking about - Darby said something disturbing yesterday, while I was in the throes of my monthly "I need to live a creative life and I don't know how to do it" depression. He said, "I gave up my creativity for happiness, and it was a small price to pay." He says he gave up the "depressed poet" thing in order to feel content. I think that sounds like the most miserable thing I've ever heard. I'd much rather be depressed and prolific than content and boring. Well, he doesn't feel he's boring, but honestly, sometimes I think he is. (to me, anyway.) but I have such impossibly high standards for myself, that heaven help anyone in my orbit who is less creative than me. I always felt I had pacesetters in Minneapolis, I had so many creative friends and boyfriends, and it was so wonderful to be with them, and see them work. Being with them inspiredme to come with stuff for myself, and sometimes to come up with stuff that inspired them. I loved that. But out here, the only people I've had contact with are the people in the tech industry, and for the most part, they're not that creative. And Darby and his friends are like that too. They go to work every day, do their jobs, then come home and watch TV, or see a movie. Maybe read the paper. Me, I dont' feel I've had a productive day until I've written in my journal, surfed the internet and learned something new, maybe germinated a new idea for something crafty. maybe noodle around with the house in decorating or something. Darby thinks it's exhausting. Darby told me once "your creative impulses eat you alive." I'll gladly be eviscerated by my muse..
.
this is honestly my biggest concern about our relationship. Is it enough that he is supportive of whatever creative endeavors I undertake? Or would it be better to be with someone who understands my creative urges, because they have them too? I guess I won't know until I find out where my urges are leading me, and at least find some other people who feel the same way as me. Then I'll find out if just having creative friends is enough to sustain me...I've felt kind of distant from Darby the last few days, while I've been thinking about this...
blogged by moodle at 11:36 PM

Saturday, July 28, 2001

Darby just has no spatial awareness. I thought it was kind of cute when we moved and he didn't have a clue how to pack things in the truck tightly. But the last few days he's done stupid things like put the butter dish in the refrigerator door on top of other stuff, so that when I swung the door open *WHOOSH* there it went out on the floor and shattered in a million pieces. Then as we were unpacking the kitchen, I noticed he had precariously piled my casserole dishes on the very corner of a roaster, again, so all I had to do was brush against it and it came tumbling down. He just doesn't GET how things fit together!! I guess it's not a huge deal, it's just one of those buggy things like leaving the cap off the toothpaste. He's so good with numbers, but he just doesn't have any spatial sense. *sigh*
Ok, now I feel better. But we're still having a "stand-off". and we're both so stubborn that we'll sit in silence with each other for hours, and I'm usually the one who has to go over there and make nice. I wish he would once in a while. At least when Kyle and I fought, he knew enough to come after me if I left the room. Darby doesn't do that. He just lets me leave. He scares me when he gets like that, all cold and aloof. I never think he'll hurt me or anything, it's just like he's shut off. oh well, I guess it's time to go make nice.
blogged by moodle at 9:25 PM

Friday, July 27, 2001

well, it looks as if I'm doing the once a month blog, here.
Well, we just moved into our new digs last weekend, and I'm feeling more at home here than I ever did at the last apartment, or even in the house I lived in for my first year in the bay area, for that matter. We're in a two bedroom apartment in a complex, and we've got this awesome huge patio, and we're right off a pond, it's quite excellent. And we could paint, so I painted the bedroom this blueish lavender, the second bedroom (my office) this awesome purple/fuchsia color, and the living room a warm pinky gray. Then above the fireplace it's maroon, and so is the dining room. It's quite excellent. Plus, we finally indulged in some proper furniture, and have unfortunately become IKEA whores. And whenever we drive away from there loaded up with stuff, I think of the movie Fight Club. If you've seen it, you know what I mean.
what else...well, I realized I'm finally settling into living with my significant other. When Darby and I first moved in together, it was really hard for me to have him around all the time, it felt like he was invading *my* space. Well, now I'm getting better at being in the same house with him. It does help that now he let me have the whole second bedroom for my office/studio.
blogged by moodle at 12:04 AM

Wednesday, July 04, 2001

aah...it's good to be home.
as in, home in the midwest. darby and I came back to the midwest last friday, and now we're at home in Wisconsin with my folks. We just set off some fireworks too!
Fireworks are illegal in California where Darby is from, so he was all excited to see them for sale, and picked up about $30 worth of them. I had him get some of those "snakes" for me...the kind where you light the pellet on the ground and this ash "snake" comes out. Ok, so it was cooler when I was a little kid...I was bummed they weren't selling "roman candles" anymore. We had them when I was a kid...it's this rod, you put it in the ground, and it shoots out colored balls of light. apparently they're "too dangerous" now...Darby was like a little kid lighting them up, it was fun to see him relaxed. We've gotten a lot closer on this vacation, which is nice. It's good for us to get away from everything. We've gone thru so much this past year, moving in together, both of us losing our jobs, getting a new apartment, etc.
I'm excited because we're driving to Madison tomorrow!! I haven't been there in like five years, since Sandy's wedding when I passed thru on my way to Ohio. Part of me thinks maybe I shouldn't go, because I have all my college memories, and everything there will be so different now...but Darby wants to see the campus, and I do too. ONe thing we're having trouble with is knowing where to eat. When I lived there, I was poor and had to eat at the cheap restaurants. Now I have money, and I don't know where to eat!
blogged by moodle at 9:27 PM

Monday, June 04, 2001

I HATE THE BAY AREA!!!
Well, let me clarify. There are lots of wonderful opportunities here for art and culture, and free thinking. Unfortunately, you have to pay a ludicrous amount of money to enjoy them. My boyfriend and I live out on the East side of town (the east bay) because it's cheaper out here. Both of us were working in the city, that is before the dot.com bust. Now both of us are unemployed, and most of the job opportunities have receded down to the silicon valley, a good two hour commute each way from here. We'd been avoiding thinking about having ot move to the south bay (we like it out here!) but now with jobs drying up, we are starting to think about it...well I just checked on craigslist for apts in burlingame, san mateo and such, and was disappointed to find they are still int he ludicrous range, like $2500 for a two bedroom, with a $3000 deposit. *sigh* I was hoping that the rents woudl be falling along with our salaries, but it's not happening yet. What are we going to do?? *sob*
blogged by moodle at 12:57 PM

Saturday, May 26, 2001

There is a cool site called Kabalarians.com where they analyze your name and give an analysis of it. Who knows if these things are true, but it's fun to try. I happened to find my current handle, "moodle" in there just now, and the description is frightenly accurate..

Moodle

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Your name of Moodle gives you the desire for success and financial accumulation and the confidence and drive to go after your ambitions, regardless of obstacles. Your thinking revolves around business and ways of making money, rather than on music, art, drama, or philosophy. You start new endeavours and incorporate new ideas, but seldom if ever receive the full benefits and financial accumulation for your efforts. You tend to feel very frustrated in being unable to realize your ambitions fully. An extremely independent and self-sufficient person, you dislike taking orders or advice from anyone. You believe in speaking directly and to the point, so you are candid and abrupt. Many friendships are lost because of your directness. Those in close association complain that you are not inclined to observe and return acts of kindness, compassion, or affection. You would be a firm parent and your children would be well-disciplined, but you would find it difficult to get close to them and to show compassion and affection. Weaknesses in your health affect the senses of the head, causing eye, ear or sinus trouble and the female organs.
blogged by moodle at 12:29 AM

Tuesday, May 22, 2001

wow, weird things happen fast.
I had accepted a contract position at this big archaic company, a health care organization. It was contract to hire, but I was almost positive that I wasn't ever going to do the "for hire" part. I knew the company was wrong for me, from the moment I stepped into the building. I felt this intense "gut wrenching" feeling, that I just stuffed down, because I was desperate for a job. I almost walked out only minutes into the interview, but made myself stay. After only about a week there, my boss felt it necessary to talk to me about dress code, that i was wearing "picnic clothes" to work, even though she said it was "business casual." I figured out that even though she didn't articulate it, the only thing that would have made her happy was me wearing a suit. Also, it seemed to bug her that I wanted to try to make things happen more quickly around there. I was used to working for small, fast-moving companies, the kind that got you a computer and a phone within a day of you starting to work there. I after three weeks I STILL didn't have email. In the three weeks I worked there, I took two extended trips, one a long weekend to Phoenix, and the second, a week-long trip to the midwest, both of which she knew about when I started. I bitched about the job and her to all of my friends back home, and dreaded going back to work there. So I got back on Sunday, and Monday, called in sick, cuz I was absolutely fried. Well, later that afternoon, I get an email from the recruiter that placed me to "contact me immediately regarding your contract". So I call her, and she says my contract has been ended. I asked why, and was told she had no further information. I told her I'd called in sick. I didn't think that would make someone get canned!! I didn't understand why, because before I left, I completed some work that had them raving. I knew I was doing good work. Well, I was upset, because no one likes getting canned, especially when you don't know the reason. But honestly, I felt I missed the paycheck more than the job. I did my mourning yesterday, and by today, I'm feeling it was the best thing that could have happened. Now the door is open for something more up my alley - work that will challenge me, and people who will appreciate my dynamic spunk. So what if I have to commute a little bit. (my main reason for taking the other job was a ten minute commute -isn't that terrible?) Anyway, so now I'm back to wondering what is next for me, but sometimes I think it's in this frame of mind that I'm at my most creative and productive...
blogged by moodle at 10:42 PM

Monday, May 14, 2001

Darby always gives me shit for staying up so late every night, but it's the only time I get to be really truly alone. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm cut out for this living together stuff. Darby is the easiest person in the world to be with, but just being with someone all the time jams my circuits, and it's not until I just get the hell out of dodge that I begin to feel normal again. I went through this same thing with Kyle, i woudlnt' feel good about myself until I was on a trip to my folks' house or on a business trip. I'd get all these new ideas, new revelations about things, and seemingly ocme back refreshed. But soon I'd be "trapped" again, and want out. I would break up with Kyle on a regular basis to get "back to myself"...i'm surprised he put up with me for as long as he did. But I put up with his shit for a long time too, it was bad for both of us.
Darby puts up with my crap alot too, the monthly "ickies", which he blames on my period but I have a sneaking suscpicion is just my true feelings about not wanting ot be in a relationship trying to push off the 20 ton weight I'd put over them to keep them down. How do I know whether it's just me being uncomfortable having to share my life with someone, stuff I just have to work through; whether he isn't "the one", or whether I'd just be better off alone? My mom said, "maybe you should talk to someone about it." like a therapist. But I said, "why would they ahve the answers?" No one knows what I want better than me. Just how do I find it?
blogged by moodle at 10:49 PM

back in LaCrosse...
it's been four days, and I STILL dont' feel like I'm on vacation!!
went to mom's house on Friday, and mom wears me out regardless of what we do. Then on Saturday, i told her we were taking a ton of David's collectibles stuff out of her living room and over to Bob's house (where David lives). David knew we were comign over with a ton of stuff, and that he'd have to help unload it, but the little shit, he 'went for a walk" and didnt' come back until (conveniently) we were done unloading. I got pissed and told him so, and then mom was all freaked out, like, "oh, let's not have bad feelings, i can't stand it when there are bad feelings!!" and I had to tell her, "sometimes people get mad, and then they talk about it, and they get it all out, and then it's over!" she is just NOT used to dealing with things up front. It's so sad...
a funny thing that happened though, I found out my mom was keeping my prom dresses. Why? That too is a mystery...unfortunately, they were beginning to disintegrate. Not from age (it was only from 85-86), but it was damp in the closet and there was creeping orange mold or something. It was fun to see my dresses again...hard to believe I was only a size 9!!! they looked so tiny!
yumm...i'm eating "puffcorn curls"...they are only available in the midwest! I have my dad send them to me peridocally out in California...
blogged by moodle at 9:54 PM

Monday, April 30, 2001

catholic school
on my bbs tonight, someone was asking for catholic school memories. If you grew up in the midwest, chances are you are likely a "recovering catholic."

I attended catholic grade school and high school, but things didn't get bad until high school.

All women teachers were craggy nuns with no experience in the real world who were somehow thought fit to teach classes like "modern sexuality", male teachers were perverts, regardless of whether they were ordained or not, and the principal was a priest who was one of the biggest assholes I have ever met.

On a matching test, one of the male teachers made the answers spell out, if you got them correctly, the name of the girl he had a crush on.

Girls had to wear navy blue pants or skirts and a white blouse, which HAD to have a collar.

If you were caught wearing a shirt without a collar, you were given detention.
If you were caught not wearing socks, you were given detention.
If you were caught wearing a shirt which was not quite white, you were given detention.

Boys were not subject to a dress code.
Except "don't wear jeans."
I saw the vice principal catch one wearing jeans, and he said, "well, don't do it again."

Minutes later, he yelled, "WHY CAN'T YOU CONFORM??" and called my friend and I "trash" because we were dressed "illegally."

sound unfair and shitty? it was. If I would complain how it was unfair, the response was, "if you don't like it, go to another school."

What a shining example of good Christian compassion.

Of course, today I'd sue for discrimination.

blogged by moodle at 9:27 PM

Sunday, April 29, 2001

So I went to my first wedding with Darby, one of his friends from college. It's funny, I met most of his college friends, and most of their conversations went something like this: "Remember when we were at [insert place they got drunk at] and we drank a TON of [insert drink which made them drunk] and then we [act of debauchery performed after drinking.]???? That was SOOOO GREAT!!!"
I am SO over that. actually, i was never really under that. Darby's only 27, and he's really only four years out of college. Me, I'm now ten years out, and all that foolishness looks, well, foolish. But then again, sometimes I think I'm from another planet anyway, I really don't get this "alcohol as a necessary social lubricant" thing anyway. I'd much rather find out someone's character from a good game of scattergories than by trading drunken puns at a bar. Darby called me a "teetotaler" last night... I wish there were more people like me.
I have to start my new job on Monday. I've been unemployed for nearly two months, but the only time I've really enjoyed is in the last week, knowing I had a job. Feh.
blogged by moodle at 1:15 AM