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So my sister IMs me tonight to tell me that she directed my mom to my web site to see my thoughts on the WTC and Pentagon attacks. Perhaps my mother was not satisfied with told her ealier today. Well what I did say wasn't exactly verbose, but well, it's one of those things. When you ask something as broad as "what do you think about what happened?", espeically with an event such as that, it's hard to say something that is cliche, or at least seemingly redundant. I can say it's horrible, I can say is heartbreaking, I can say it's infuriating... but that all kinda goes without saying. I doesn't need to be said because that is the way most people feel. Does that mean that everythign I feel about this event is the same as everyone else? No, but the general sentiment is the same, and to a broad question one usually gives a general answer... but to do so would be redundant, so I was at somewhat of a loss for words. Anyway, after my sister told me I felt somewhat compelled to update my sentiments on the event, but I've chosen not to, as, again, what can I say that isn't somewhat redundant? Well I'm sure there's plenty, but I don't feel like going into it today, and to some extent I don't feel it's incredibly necessary.

This kinda brings up another point about this blog though. I have at times used I've used it to vent some somewhat personal stuff.. though it may not be that personal to someone elses standards. I've done this though somewhat on the idea that someone I don't know might read it, but people I do know probly won't, aside from a few. Which brings me to my point.. Do I want my parents reading this? Well I really don't care who reads it, the fact that someone might know what I've written here really never bothered me, what does is the thought that someone I know might come up to me and try to talk to me about it, the personal stuff that is, and try to help me with it, as if I wanted to talk to them about it but felt like I couldn't. And just so you know, that's not the way it is. And theres nothing that makes me feel more uncomfortable then being cornered. There are only a couple people with whom I feel I could really talk to about such things if I needed to, and my parents aren't amoung them. I mean I know I could trust my parents with anything, but being the parents that they are, always trying to help and assure that I'm ok, I couldn't trust them to know when to lay off. So, full knowing that I cannot stop my parents from reading my blog, I say to them, please, if you are reading this, I don't want to know.

And now that I've said all this I realize that I'm probly over-reacting, and probly haven't really written anything incredibly personal. And to everyone else, you can email me or post to the [ever so empty] board about anything, but as to the things that might be deemed personal, do not IM me or talk to me in person [if you know me in person], so that in the event that I would feel uncomfortable talking about it, it's in a medium that I can take my time repling to or ignore altogether. Can you dig it? I knew that you could....
posted by Joe VanHall at 6:08 AM

The recent events.. I've heard the word tradgedy so many times it doesn't mean anything anymore. It just makes me sick. It was an incredibly horrible turn of events, I just wish people would expand their vocabulary. The only word anyone can seem to say is tradgedy. That word... it just doesn't express anything, I've been numbed to it. It's been used for eveything even vaguely bad, and now when a real tradgedy is upon us, it means nothing. The tradgedy, the tradgedy, the tradgedy. This is a time when words fail. There is not a word in the dictionary that can truely describe what has happened. But tradgedy is definitely not the word to choose.

I overslept thuesday morning. My alarm reset by a recent power outage, I forgot to set it again. I had a class at 11, my dad awoke me at about 10:50 with "don't you have a class in 10 min." I was kinda pissed at him, bothering to wake me up then, at that point my time was better spent sleeping, as I would've missed the majority of the class by the time I got there. It was about 11 when I was dressed and everything and finally went upstairs. As I entered the living room my dad was watching the news on tv when he rather nonchalantly [as he does with any emotional news] told me that oh by the way they crashed a few airplanes in the the world trade center and pentagon. And it was just like that. no anger, no shock, no sadness, no fear, no emotion at all. I suppose I can't really bitch, as I am rather nonchalant myself when it comes to such things, but at least I try to be somewhat sympathetic, at least I felt some emotion.

Well the first thing out of my mouth was "Shit." And that is how I felt, a little bit of shock, not overwhelming. I don't get shocked that easily. I guess I'm somewhat detached. I don't take on the emotions of others like most people do. I don't think about the children losing parents, parents losing children, lovers losing the object of their affections. I recognize the gravity of the situation, but as I do not feel the loss by comparing it to my own emotions as they would be. But again, I do recognize the gravity of the situation, and try to take in to account the emotions others must be feeling. I am not emotionless, far from it, but again I simply don't make the connection. I could, but I don't, and perhaps that's a good thing.

It did, as many people have said, feel very surreal at first. Like I would soon wake up and everything would be as it was. I felt like it was a vision, that I would wake up and be able to use the information to prevent a catastrophe. I felt like it was a movie, where lesser crimes against humanity have been sensationalized, perpetrated by a defined enemy and averted by a heroic effort. But I haven't woken up yet, I haven't left the theatre... I'm still here, living it...

Anyway I didn't end up going to class, and while I did eventually get a nap it, it wasn't for a while. I spent most of the day watchig the news, even though none of the really seemed to be saying anything, just repeating the same thing over and over... I read up on it at /. and geeknews as well. It wasn't really until later that night that the real gravity of the situation hit me. I was reading a post on geeknews about nostradamus and the attacks. Of course there were similarites, but it was kind of a stretch. The third, a fake one, mentioned the beginning of World War III. And that's when it hit me, that's when I started getting scared. I mean I didn't take all that much to heart about the predictions, but it did occur to me something big was starting, and it wasn't going to be good. I kinda felt like it ws all over, that I had run out of time. The chance to anchor a life for myself was gone. This was the beginning of hardship, and I wasn't ready. There was nowhere to run, my comfortable life was over. I couldn't hide anymore. So here I am, naked, in the middle of wide open spaces, covering my head with my hands hoping I don't get hit by the massive ball of shit that just hit the fan. And I felt like that, for the rest of the night and into the next morning. I felt like it was all pointless, it was all over. It doesn't matter what I do today because it won't mean shit in the days ahead. Why do people bother to go back to work, why do I bother to go back to school? It won't mean anything now... it's all over. ... I thankfully got out of that though. I calmed down, and now I realize that it all hinges on how this is dealt with. And there's a good chance that the ultimate result will be prolonged peace. If the terrorists can realize that such an attack hurts everyone, including themselves. Times have changed. The days of waring city-states are over. We are no longer defined nations with defined boundries. But rather one giant organism. To attack your neighbor is to attack yourself.

It is quite inspiring though, heartwarming, to see how the peoples of the world are as horrified by this are we are. And how they've all come to support us whole heartedly. America's been the butt of many jokes around the world, but now it's as the they've all stood up and said, "Ok, enough bullshit. That country has done far more for us than give them credit for, and it's time to give a little back." Oh sure, it is in they're best interests economically, but it seems to me to be truely genuine sentiment. And it brings a tear to my eye... not only becuase so many people care, but because it shows how the world is finally starting to unite. We are all becoming brothers, and not just economically. Slowly we are changing from a world of nations, to a world of people. And I believe that herein lies the good of this horrific turn of events.
posted by Joe VanHall at 3:50 AM

I feel as though I need to write something, but I have no idea what to write... that happens alot but I usually don't write about it :). I'm often at a loss for words when I feel compelled to write.. and I end up feeling anxious with this slight build up of emotion with nowhere to direct it. And sometimes I do lose sleep over it. I stay up for hours doing nothing because I feel like I need to write before I go to sleep. blah. and I guess that's what I'm doing now to some extent.

By the way... does anyone actually read this? If so post in the message board or something, I feel as if I'm writing this thing for no one, like no one cares and no one ever reads it.. but I write anyway because I kinda need to. I guess it's the idea that someone could read it, even when they're not. And that is kinda theraputic in a way. I suppose if I had an interesting life and lots of friends on the net and people knew me n shit... but that's not the way it is... but who really gives a fuck anyway, certainly not my non-existant readers. heh..

So all ye non-existants out there.. did any of you catch adult swim? It's kinda cool kinda dissappointing. Cowboy Bebop is looking awesome, space ghost coast to coast was always cool.... the rest... is kinda dissappointing though, albeit what I should've expected. The Brak Show is not as cool as I thought it would be, but has potential. As of now though, it seems that they kinda bastardized what made brak and zorak funny by trying to put it in a sitcom-esque environment. Home Movies I cannot stand.. that just plain sucks. I don't really even see what was supposed to be funny about that in the first place. The hunger force thingy I haven't seen yet, but it looks horrible. Harvey Birdman and Sealab 2021 look like the kinda things that'll give you a minor smile or chuckle the first time, but gets old very quickly. The humor is very Saturday TV Funhouse... which suffice to say is evil. But at least we got Cowboy Bebop out of the deal. w00t w00t!!

On the topic of school... I dropped the Computer graphics class last week. I just couldn't hack it.. it was too fucking annoying. I would've snapped if I had stayed in there much longer. Philosophy is ok though.. kinda interesting at times, kinda annoying at time... you know, stupid people. Today I got a little annoyed. The prof was trying to prove that time didn't exist because friday doesn't feel like sunday. Is it just me or is that one of them thar arguments simplified to the point where it completely defeats itself? I mean does anybody really believe that sunday is sunday because it feels like sunday? Sure he was trying to poitn out that we view everything subjectively using a common sensically refuted argument, but that just seemed incredibly stupid to me, to dumb down the content with something so trivial. But I'm probly just going a little overboard on the whole thing anyway...

remember back 5/21/2001 [hint: archives] when I mentioned that this girl by the name of carol was on my mind? Well she hasn't left my mind yet.. kinda pathetic. I no longer have anyone to obsess about, so if defaults to her because she was the last I thought about... Indeed pathetic, but not that bad seeing as I haven't seen her in ages and probably won't.. so I can somewhat keep it under control. That is, unless some odd stroke of fate delievers her before me.. in which case I am probly seriously fucked. I mean If I were to say something I'd fuck it up and regret it like nothing I've regretted before, and if I didn't say anythig I'd forever regret not doing so. I really got to do something about this... I need a new obsession.. or *gasp* an actual woman...
posted by Joe VanHall at 5:33 AM

Well I made it through my first two days back in school. It's gone ok I guess. This semester I'm taking web page design, LAN, intro to philosophy, andintro to computer graphics... in that order :) [first 2 mon\wed, second 2 tues\thurs]. Points of interest: 1) finally met lam while I was walking out of my web design class 2) turns out a couple of guys I knew in from band are in my philosphy class 3) I signed up for that particular section of philosophy cause I liked the prof, but they changed at the last minute. The new guy seems pretty cool, but apparently he actually grades notes, which sucks major ass. 4) the bookstore sold me the wrong books for philosophy. 5) my kindergarden teacher is in my computer graphics class [that's the weird thing about cvcc, my high school bus driver was in my eco class last semester] 6) the computer graphics class is taught on icky-icky poo macs 7) they switched from freehand to illustrator in comp graph, so now I gotta find me a copy of that, not to mention quark express 8) comp graph isn't looking as cool as I thought it would. There is really no room for creativity in the assignments, and you'll get counted off if the font size is even a point off... the only "creative" assignment is the final one, where you simply put your head on someone elses body... still I should learn some useful shit... and it otherwise seems pretty bullshit.. like we spent a good 30 min on learning how to create and save a file on a mac.... 9) there is no number nine 10) my web page design class is apparently using frontpage 2k... which is icky.... but it looks like it may be hitting some style sheets and javascript towards the end. 11) There was going to be a number 11 but I forgot what is was by the time I finished number ten. 12) it's really bothering me that I forgot number 11, I'm racking my brain, but I still can't figure out what is was. 13) maybe it had something to do with web degisn, or lan, I dunno... 14) I think I should just forget about it, I should really try to get to bed...
posted by Joe VanHall at 2:36 AM

I made daily poem at devart the other day! w00+! w00+! hehe, ok so it was tuesday, but it's something to write about. The poem in question is "jodi the dental hygienist" [hasn't made it to this site yet]. I'd give you a direct link to it on deviantart, but I can't get on to the site right now, they must be having dns probs again.. The story behind the poem is suprisingly simple. I went to the dentist to get some work done. They set me back, numbed me up, and left me there for like a half hour before they actually got back to do the work. By that time I was feeling kinda funky. perhaps all the blood rushing to my brain all that time messed me up, or maybe I got some bad novocain, but I was kinda funked up. I wasn't seeing anything that wasn't there, but I was seeing things that were there really differently. My focus kept moving somewhat erradically so that I was seeing the wallpaper dance, seeing different shapes pop out of light fixtures, little muzak speakers, ceiling tiles. And I was feeling kinda zombiefied, just kinda dead, yet completely enthralled with the images before me. Very "whoa, look at all the pretty colors..". In essence, not only was my mouth numb, so was my brain. And I didn't completely get out of it until halfway home. The name comes from something I said to my real dental hygeinist, "I feel like I'm in the jodi.org of dentist offices..."
posted by Joe VanHall at 12:03 AM

so I said I'd post sooner... *sigh* Anyway Nothing much is going on, but to ramble anyway...

Life. I'm signed up for classes at cvcc again in the fall. Should [hopefully] get my little associates degree this time. Taking LAN, webpage design, Intro to computer graphics, and philosophy. Shouldn't be a bad semester, not taking anything incredibly boring. Philosophy should be fun, get to put terms to all the shit that's already running through my head. Computer graphics should be a good excuse to do some freaky shit in photoshop.. unless the class actually requires some drawing ability. web design will hopefully force me to update my websites. and lan is lan, something I need to know, and the corse that's subbing for cobol to take care of my last course to graduate. Still at home, still unemployed, still single, still bored out of my mind, and still need to get out of here.

music. let's see, looking into possibly getting into jazz. dled a bunch of tracks off of winmx, mostly coltrane and duke ellington, some of it's actually pretty good. Got a Godsmack cd a while back, debut album. I was somewhat dissapointed. While it doesn't outright suck, it's kinda boring, the songs are all somewhat similar, except for voodoo, and they all seem a bit underdeveloped. I dunno, perhaps I just got spoiled listening to stuff like tool. Speaking of tool, the new album kicks so much ass it ain't funny. The more I listen to it, the more I love it. It is awesome beyond words. I'm not even going to try to explain it it's so awesome :) Next up, Radiohead: Amnesiac. This sounds kinda like it was thrown together at the last minute as kind of a "shit that didn't make Kid A" cd. Not to say it sucks, quite the contrary, it just doesn't have the power and flow of Kid A. Definitely in the same vien as Kid A though, it could easily be teh second disc if Kid A was released as a double cd. Actually it would've made a lot more sense had they done it that way. And finally, I've been downloading a lot of Days of the New lately. Very interesting bad, I love their sound. They bring back alot of the harmony that has been lost in rock over the years.

games. Been playing a lot of diablo 2 [expansion now] and snes roms, mostly donkey kong country [1-3] and kirby [dreamland 3, funpak]. Alot of shit's changed with the d2 expansion and patches. My zon can still kick a little ass, but nowhere near as much. My sorc is effectively dropped. My new primary character is a necromancer by the name of HadesSeven. I've started a asassin and druid, but haven't really been playing them. The asassin in AlectoSix and the druid is AntaeusFive.

art. u235.deviantart.com ... check it out already...

well that's it for today. lets see, if I promise to post again sooner, I post later. So this tiem I promise to post somethign less interesting next time.. watch me actually come through on that one....

posted by Joe VanHall at 9:52 PM

so it's been awhile since my last post.. but not a month this time! hehe ... heh... *sigh* stuff that's happening... not moving... radford rejected me cause of my shiitty grades last semester. got a d in eco simply cause I didn't turn in a paper.... gonna end up at cvcc again... dad bitching at me about getting a job while I'm trying to help my mom get a new one...playing diablo2 a lot.. pre ordered he expansion... started a new sorc AtroposEight, an ice sorc.. my frineds justin and lam helped me hook her up with some decent equip... my zon, MinervaNine has become my new primary character, esp seeing as I imbued her a nice lance so she can now actually kick some ass, unlike my barb... Minerva is actually pretty much ready to go into Hell mode, but I'm still holding her back until she gets a little bit stronger... I mean I still can't beat hephesto without the help of a necro... he simply whipes the floor with my ass...

but enough about that game... I guess somethign a little more personal would be more interesting to you. Well, nothing interesting has happened in my personal life.. or anything at all for that matter.. but I did have a couple of wierd dreams the past few nights. Of course I don't remember much of my dreams, just parts that stick out and some general ideas.. but anyway ....

the first was a little disturbing in a way.. I was lying in bed sleeping, on my back, which is kinda odd for me, when I awake to find some girl lying on top of me. It's dark of course, and I have not clue as to who she is... I notice she feels kinda heavy, but pay no mind and automatically assume it's some really cute girl. So I give her this big passionate kiss. Then she says something to me... something in the vein of I'm sorry, I'll meet you later, but not in those words. And while she's saying that her voice strikes me as familiar. When she gets up to leave there's just enough light for me to recognize her... it's this girl I went to high school with named Andie Ogden.. and suffice to say, I never really liked her.. so you can imagine my thoughts at that time.. the exact word though was a resounding fuck. Of all the people in the world, it had to be that wench. When I woke up though, I realized something strange. In the dream, before I realized who she was, I noticed she felt kinda heavy, and andie, while not all out fat, is kind of a big girl, and I've never remember having that kind of foreshadowing in a dream before...odd... Anyway the dream I had last night was not really that bad, and nor do I remember as much about it. But again I was sleeping in bed, but this time I happened to be sleeping with two girls, Ryoko and Aieka from Tenchi Muyo. Aieka on my left, Ryoko on my right. So I decided to take advantage of the situation and kinda snuggled up to Ryoko a little bit. At which point they both woke up and in classic tenchi style had a fight over me in which they completely forgot about me. Apparently the room was lined with stuffed animals, so they were flying around everywhere. This is the point where the central character [me] ends up getting frustrated with the two girls, but I wasn't.. at least not in the classic tenchi way. I was kinda frustrated and dissapointed, not that they were fighting again, but because I wanted to get friendly with Ryoko and I couldn't becuase of the fight....

well I guess that's enough for tonight.. I'll try to update sooner next time...
posted by Joe VanHall at 5:20 AM