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"Words are Vitamins and Life is Short..." ~ Ani DiFranco
Hah. Well, the day after that post, I had a friggin meltdown. TOTAL PSYCHOSIS. Anyway, needless to say, I am back to my old habit, and at the moment, I don't really care that I blew it. I am going to the doctor to see about getting something to help me through the emotional part of it. I hate to sound like a baby, but I could not hang with the sleeplessness, bad dreams, paranoia and craziness. I just could not. But I am not beat - not yet. I still want to quit.
So now that I have empied my conscience onto the page, let's move on... Life is getting interesting. I am feeling very unsettled and unsatisfied with my life right now. I always know this is the case when I start fantasizing about selling everything I own and moving to a foreign country to be a waitress or something. I feel very spiritually unfulfilled and pretty unhappy right now in life, and it is certainly not like the shit is hitting the fan around here. I have a good job that I love, I have great friends, a WONDERFUL family, a great boyfriend, a nice place to live, a sweet cat.... I could go on and on. But yet I am hitting one of those plateaus. One of those "nothing makes me happy and everything fucking sucks" times in my life. I hate them, but generally I tend to really grow spiritually and emotionally around these times. So, I suppose I will just strap in and hold on. "How grateful you you say you really are just to be here and live through it", right? Yeah.... sometimes.
posted by Webgirleey on Friday, September 07, 2001
Cigarette Free for 3+ Days
Yesterday was awful. I can't remember feeling this bad in a long, long time. I am really, really tired. I have not been sleeping well at all. Last night, I fell asleep at 1 am and had nightmares again most of the night, waking up at 5:30 am this morning, I went upstairs and crawled in bed next to my boyfriend, who is pissed off at me because I am acting crazy. I picked a fight with him last night, it was not intentional, it just happened before I knew it. Fuck! The really awful thing is that even through all of this, the one person who I want to be close to, and be supported by is him. And the one person I am treating like shit is him. I keep thinking that there is something else going on with me besides the attempt at quitting. I was really emotionally volatile last week, before I even quit. I have none of my usual cheeriness, or perspective that I usually can maintain while I am in the midst of some shit. Instead, I feel like I am being sucked into this huge black void of depression. NOTHING feels good, or right or comforting. NOTHING. I am praying for some sanity. I would appreciate just a little bit of sanity right now. Just a little. I am really tired of being crazy, and I feel like I am going to fuck a whole bunch of things up if I don't get a grip on life right now. I wonder what is really going on? Or if this is what happens to people who quit smoking. Please. Just some sanity. Just a little today.
posted by Webgirleey on Tuesday, August 28, 2001
I feel like I am going to explode. I am sitting here at work, and I am upset, I am crying. All I want is a motherfucking cigarette, and I feel so lame for being so weak. I HATE the tobacco industry. Oh, smoking is not ADDICTIVE? FUCK YOU!!! I am a diabetic, I have asthma, and I CANT STOP SMOKING! I have two days of just not puffing on cigarettes, and I feel like I am going mad. I want to leave work, I want to run away, I want to curl up and hide. And I know that if I persist through this, I will be so glad that I did. But right now, I am not glad. I just want a cigarette. I hate them! I wish I culd go curl up and sleep without dreams of demons and fucked up shit like that. I am MISERABLE. It's hard for me to even have any perspective about this today. I feel like I am about to shoot up this office. And it is not passing!! I have felt this way all morning. FUCK! I am calling my sponsor. Maybe she will just cosign my shit. I want a cigarette.
posted by Webgirleey on Monday, August 27, 2001
Nicotine Free For 2+ days!!!And absolutely crazy, but getting better. These cravings suck. And I could just kick my own ass at least seventy times over for ever starting smoking. I am having Physical withdrawals and I am using Nicorette! I am having nightmares, and not sleeping, and wacked out -rollercoaster-like emotions. But I have not smoked. Yeah! I HAVE NOT SMOKED! And on a brighter note, Baby Joshua Daniel Watkins made his way into the world on Saturday morning, to two very excited parents!! Congratulations Dan and Stacey! What a beautiful baby!!!  8 hours old!!  14 hours old! Awwwwwwww. What a beautiful addition to our world. :-)
posted by Webgirleey on Monday, August 27, 2001
Countdown to Nicotine Withdrawal (and freedom from Smoking after I get through it!) - Less than 24 hours
Puff away, Jenn. It's almost time to say goodbye... :-) :-(
Ugh. This is gonna hurt, but I will do it. Jesus, I quit drugs, drinking and all that shit. I can quit smoking too. I WANT TO. So I shall. Just don't expect any sanity in this blog for a week or two. I expect I will be quite a nutcase.
posted by Webgirleey on Friday, August 24, 2001
Countdown to Nicotine Withdrawals - 1.5 Days
Yikes. It has been over two weeks since I blogged, oh wow. I used to do it all the time, but I am so busy lately, I just have not done it. Sorry, for the few who read this, for being so lax. Anyways, I am putting together a new site design, hopefully, I will be up and online in the next week. I am so sick of the black. It is not reflective of my personality in any way shape or form. So, the new oh-so-cheery bright site will be up soon. Maybe the nice colors will motivate me to blog more often. Either that or a double latte!! And, yes you read right. I am quitting cigarettes. Tomorrow is my last day smoking. I am scared to death, but determined. I will not die of heart disease, lung cancer or emphysema due to cigarettes. I WILL NOT. I have been smoking for ten years, and it is sooooo fucking time to quit. I hate being a slave to those little evil sticks. Wish me strength and willpower, those who care. I am going to need it. Bye Bye
Jenn
posted by Webgirleey on Thursday, August 23, 2001
This has been the kind of week where my faith in mankind and the world feels very shaky. I feel kind of lost, and sad. I think mostly I just feel sad. This week, my friend lost her grandma, the one person who she really ever felt completely supported and loved her as a child. At a meeting Monday night, two women who I know, got into a fight and one of them stabbed the other one. A 20 year old girl is looking at spending 10 + years in prison and the other is in the hospital. Over a fucking MAN. We are most likely going to lose our meeting place, which we have had for over 20 years in our area, and 5 meetings a week will need to find new homes. The community has gotten word of this, everyone's anonymity has been broken, and NA is receiving negative publicity. A friend from high school is moving back to California because her stupid jackass jerkoff idiot freak boyfriend beat her up in front of her 3 year old daughter. She's scared and hurt and sad. My brother had a party at my parent's house when they were on vacation and someone he considered a "friend" stole over $600 in cash and blank checks from my mom, dad and my little 13 year old brother's piggy bank. They have not yet been caught. (*but I might add that KARMA is a FUCKING bitch you scumbags!!*) My trusting, good natured and sweet brother feels betrayed and laughed at. He had to learn a painful lesson, when all he wants to do is see the best in people and be nice. Tuesday night, a fellow addict, a friend, a daddy, a boyfriend, a good person who just could not quit getting loaded, overdosed in a hotel room in Bakersfield. He is not in pain anymore. What the hell? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE FUCKING GODDAMN WORLD? I am trying to hold the space of just being grateful for the things that I have, and be happy that I am clean, that I am honest, and that I am blessed. But I can't help but to wonder why? WHY? I feel like crying. Fuck.
posted by Webgirleey on Thursday, August 02, 2001
FAITHWhen you walk to the edge of all the light you have
and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown,
you must believe that one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid for you to stand upon,
or, you will be taught how to fly
-Patrick Overton
posted by Webgirleey on Wednesday, July 25, 2001
Pictures back from Mexico. This one is my absolute favorite. - Gee... I wonder why... *smile* 
posted by Webgirleey on Thursday, July 19, 2001
Sorry for being gone for so long, I am finally feeling human again today after three days of hell that I will call "Don't eat fruit from street vendors while in Mexico". I have been sick! Like, really really reaaaaallllly sick. My boyfriend came home yesterday to find me in bed, crying. (I am a huge baby when I am sick). When I tried to get up, I got very dizzy and was seeing double. I guess I must have freaked him out, because he asked if I was dying on him.. I really have not been that sick in a long, long time. I hate being sick, it brings up all these issues for me, I worry the entire time about losing my job, or annoying people around me because I am not my normal self. Whatever. I am so lame that I can't just lay in bed and be sick if I need to. Well, I am feeling better today. No more delerium, or stomachaches. Halellujah!
I will be posting some pictures later today of Mexico. We had a great time there! If anyone cares, come back to see....
posted by Webgirleey on Thursday, July 19, 2001
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