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Saturday, September 15, 2001
Whew.. it's been a long week.. huh? When was the last time something so huge caused us to feel so much, think so much, grieve so much.. my hope is that we continue to move towards healing, helping, loving in every way necessary. There is still a long road ahead. July 12 I flew into New York.. the days were still long, and as my American Airlines 757 circled La Guardia, my nose was pressed into the window; I couldn't drink in enough of the skyline, so massive, so busy. A city's architectural timeline, trophies of financial success. Big busy things happen insides those skyscrapers... now that city has a different horizon.... The planes are back. When I walked out of my class Thursday evening, one jet soared over my school, and I stared.. swallowing back the sickness felt deep into my belly. God,.. I know the victims on Tuesday were so afraid. Very very afraid. :/ I can't see pictures without tearing. When I close my eyes, I see the second plane heading towards the south tower.. making an aggressive left turn.. slanting it's wings.. I've made a conscience effort not to keep glued to the tv, not to read so much about it on the Internet.. I'll make myself sick if I do, and I'm truely sick enough. It's effecting me. I ran out to take care of errands today, and came home in a bad mood. After sitting for a bit, I realized that my whole day was filled with thoughts of this attack. The trauma from Tuesday has been embroidered across my heart. We leave tomorrow after my Java class to go spend some time in the mountains with my family. I'm so so looking forward to this. Tonight I made Raspberry Struedel muffins, blueberry cream cheese muffins and a loaf of banana bread to take up for Sunday's breakfast. It was only as I was folding the blueberries into the batter I realized that I had made red white and blue muffins. Wednesday, September 12, 2001
Well.. I got a B on my Unix midterm.. that's good I guess. I missed some stupid questions though.. I should have gotten an A and I'm mad at myself. :/ 1:33 PM :: Tuesday, September 11, 2001
I woke up this morning .. half asleep.. wiping sleep from my eyes wondering what was up. Sometimes sweetie has to get up at odd hours because of work, I figured this time I'd get up because I wasn't exactly sure what time it was, but I thought it was morning, and I figured I'd get some stuyding done before school. I walked by his office, said hi, walked into the living room and he followed me out. I turned around and asked, "Is everything ok?" and he says, "Well, everything is ok with my work, but.. someone has hijacked a plane and crashed it into the World Trade Center." "Are you serious?", I asked, "Is this part of my game (Majestic)? Is that who called?" He says, "Yes, Courtney, I'm serious.. it's real" When we went out tonight, the sky was disturbingly empty. Because we live so close to the airport, not only do I continualy comment about the amount of planes in the sky.. it freaks me out how low the are when the pass over Montegue Expressway.. right over my head as I drive to school. The airport is.. I dunno.. less then a half mile away. Now, it's as if someone flipped a switch here in the valley.. cut all the power off to the busy-ness.. I wasn't able to hit the Majestic server's today. I kept checking, because they intertwine real stories with game based stories, and I was curious as to what EA would do. When I hit EA's site I read this: IMPORTANT MAJESTIC UPDATE 9/11/01 -- The Majestic Team I called my mom tonight.. she told me how terriably ill she was this weekend.. and I broke down. I'm trying to pull strength that I never knew I had.. trying to overcome fear.. I can't fix this. Nothing I can do can change this.. I'm not ready to be without my mom. I'm without a dad. I'm scared that if my mom goes, I'll be alone in the world. There's so much I haven't done yet that I need my mom to share with me.. I want her to see me graduate from school, get married, be a grandmom to my children.. I want us to go to Paris together and shop luciously.. I want to curl up with my mom and hold her.. I want to not have the sadness that the time with my mom is ticking furiously fast...
We are going out.. it's time to get out of the house and away from the tv's and internet. 6:35 PM ::
God bless America, Land that I love. Stand beside her, and guide her, Thru the night with a light from above. From the mountains, to the prairies,
*** Post for my own chronicle *** Closures: Air crashes:
I absolutly believe, 100% that we need to come together and support our american brother's and sister's and this includes the president of the United States. Like him or not, George W. Bush is the voice for the country right now. That's just the way it is, deal with it. We need to move ourselves into a position of a *United* country. United we stand. How about, rather then deconstruct.. right now you channel that energy into something positive. Support political canadates you *do* believe in, focus on volunteer efforts, which will likely be needing .. once we get over this shock, pray, anything besides destroy.. are you strong enough? 4:06 PM ::
Servers everywhere are overloaded.. Someone set up a LiveJournal community to talk about the attacks. It's all overwhelmingly sad and scary..
It really shouldn't amaze me that rather then aspire for compassion, peace and love rather, some choose now to pirch on faltering soapboxes to further deconstruct anything and everything they can get words around. Up there on that soapbox, you look even smaller then I ever thought you were before. 12:16 PM ::
.. I took the sharp turn towards my campus, and as the parking lot came into view, my stomach sank as I saw what could have been no more then 6 cars in the parking lot, and campus police parked parallel to the entrances with barricades proclaming "CAMPUS CLOSED".
I'm leaving for school now. All of the San Francisco schools are closed, but the south bay ones are open. I only have a two hour class today, part of me wants to be home but that is just a very small part. I'm not worried about being at school, I highly doubt any other attacks would happen today, however I can't help but think that if they decide to hit Exodus, Above.net, Great America or San Jose Airport.. I'm so totally toast. Silly.. I know. Ok.. enough with the paranoia. 10:37 AM ::
Do you say a prayer to your god just before impact.. as you see the target of concrete and steel in the horizon and you know you will succeed in proving your point by carnage? Tell me how you justify this. 10:06 AM ::
The sun wasn't yet streaming through the windows, our outside water fountain hadn't started it's good morning gurgle.. the cats were wondering why we were awake so early, but sweetie's business line was ringing too early and too frantic and he thought perhaps there were server problems that his pager hadn't alerted him to. The reality was that,.. was that we've had terrorist attacks, to our World Trade Center and to our Pentagon. Sweetie's company is in Boston, he telecommutes, and his company is located in the World Trade Center Boston, right across the water less then a mile from Logan airport. Logan airport.. where one plane was hijaked and crashed into a tower of the World Trade Center. Sweetie's boss called to say, that their building was being evacuated.. she sounded worried. When I see the smoking skyline of New York.. and the footage of the towers crumbling down.. when I close my eyes and I mentally put myself into an airline seat, the click of the seatbelt.. one scans the other passengers.. wonders who is going to be obnoxious.. , and I try to vision what kind of terror might be felt by mother's, fathers, sisters.. friends on an airplanes marked by fate to be the voice of suicide terrorists.... I just can't imagine. ...and Jesus turned and wept. Monday, September 10, 2001
I have seven projects due in digital art tomorrow, besides this huge VI assignment I need to do for class Wed.... gah. Me thinks we should order dinner in tonight.. perhaps consider Mountain Dew delivery. 7:20 PM ::
My top 5 weblogging twins. # 1 Jeffrey of Zeldman.com twins 6-20 included Jason of Kottke.org, Heather of Harrumph!, and Zannah of /usr/bin/girl. I'm *so* not worthy..
It was a *loooooooooooong* day of homework. Mostly unix, including a long assignment creating files using VI, then manipulating them through various, often illogical commands. I've had to remind myself, that, taking this class was mostly fueled by me wanting to be proficient in VI. My mom had another round of chemo this past Wed. She did so well with her first round, that they upped her dosage this time, causing her pretty severe sickness on Saturday. The doctor perscribed something for her, and she's doing better today. She's loosing her hair.. and of course that's to be expected. The tumor in her throat is decreasing as well, which seems optimistic. Well, as optimistic as one can be... the cancer on her liver is incurable. Next weekend, sweetie and I are going to Sacramento to spend time with the whole family. The family had a house built in the mountains, it was finally finished just a week or so ago. We're coming together to celebrate with a housewarming and share company with each other. My sister tonight told me my Godparents are even going to be there. This shocks me being that I haven't seen them since I was a teenager, mostly because, as soon as I turned 18 I was out of the house living rebelliously. Now, here I am much older, my dad is dead, my mom has cancer.. and they are about to be back in my life. I'm confused, and excited.. I'm nostalgic but reserved. One odd thing about my Godparents is that, I had totally forgot they live in Santa Clara, the same city I moved to. I had just completely filed away the information that they have lived here ALL MY LIFE and here I've been down in this area missing my family, and I've had family here. :/ :( Not only do they live in Santa Clara, but they live four damn miles away! aww.. I'm getting teary again. I've been doing that a lot lately. Sunday, September 09, 2001
My story is there.. sandwiched between the Zeldman sighting, embraces from/for Rob Brezsny, telling Lance Arthur my own naked in public story, hugs and smiles from Heather and Derek excited to see me again, .. wretched words, documented nice things, red wine, dj's, big flowers, absence of pretension, talk talk talk with strangers.. it's home.. I'm home, I'm charged. Nearly tearful that I even need to be reminded that I am part of a community that doesn't build foundations on hate or disrespect for our brothers and sisters of the universe, life transcends 9-5 and we aspire to do great things because it feels good and it makes other's feel good, applying precision and dedication to ourselves, our craft - with the belief that success will follow albeit success does not equal color in our wallets but rather mirrors the color in our hearts, and it shines. How comforting to know, that I'm not wrong for what I do, there is no mistakenly fake face projected.. it is absolutely a conscience effort to radiate good even through dark times. Aware that what we put out to the universe amplifies; ripples its effect through our community. Keenly aware that it starts with me, and I want to say: Julie.. I am so so sorry about how upset I got back in January. That no amount of my suffering justified me projecting that towards you, and that you and Jarrett forgave me humbles me to my soul. I'm sorry to Ciannait that stepping away was liberating for me but the way in which I did it left us both feeling sour. Hopefully we can see that there were times and events to be grateful for.. one day. And how so sorry I am to Carole that I'm just not strong enough. It's not my intention to come across that I do no wrong or that my life is so peachy, rather, I really really don't want to amplify bad things. That my life for the past four years has (because of decisions I have made) felt many times to be so heavy, so sufficating, so many shades of gray that I want to turn it all inside out and around and project color. For me, for those in my circle. Last night, the pieces finally started to feel like they fit. That I unconscienciously have been a part of a growing awareness and it was as if last night, a magnet was charged and we were all drawn towards each other.. for at least the purpose of being told, "it's ok.. what you are doing is ok" Pronoia: the opposite of paranoia; the sneaking suspicion that the whole world is conspiring to shower you with blessings. Symptoms include sudden attacks of optimism and outbreaks of goodwill. "I believe reality is a marvelous joke staged for my edification and amusement, and everybody is working very hard to make me happy." --Terence McKenna And when Rob said that I would be ridiculed and chastised for my hunger for beauty, that people would think I was crazy and many would even hate me for it, I dropped my head and cried. May we never ever loose sight of the beauty in the world.. please please never loose sight. Sweetie and I talked so deeply, freely after we left The Cell. We lost the beach but found the moon. "In a Sentamental Mood" by John Coltrane and Duke Ellington just started playing on Winamp and I have to get started on a paper comparing language and food to music, and studying for a Unix midterm on Wed. Saturday, September 08, 2001
:::yaaawn::: How totally delightful. I read about ten pages out of my Java textbook, then took a two hour nap. Now I'm wonderfully rested and ready for the night. There's a post burn party down at ocean beach tonight.. till about 1am at stairwell 28. I think we'll swing by there after the Fray party and dinner at Blowfish. For the life of me, I can't find the web address for Blowfish, but Julie and Eris know what I'm talking about.. remember girls? That wonderful Anime sushi bar in the mission? Miss you guys. Love you.
I posted this in a livejournal reply: "It's interesting.. in that people often say what ana produces is 'out there', however if one takes the time to tour galleries or view showings, they would find that her work is not so uncommon. I saw an exhibit at the SFMOMA in 1999 of a pure white room probably 10x10. The floor and walls where covered with tampons, some which looked used, some which looked new, some were still wrapped. In the far corner of the room was an empty chair. This remindes me of ana's tampon picture which, after like.. two years, still produces many negative (hostile) reactions. It would seem that people either, don't understand the communication, don't like the voice of the piece, or they don't like the message. Considering each of those instances, the project created an emotion and although art can't truly be defined, one goal is to create an emotion.. be it one of disgust or joy."
The wonderful thing about sweetie's.. is that sweetie's are wonderful things! :) Early day tomorrow.. 9am Java Class.. then our day will end sharing the Fray party with dear dear friends... Good Night :) Friday, September 07, 2001
Tonight's dinner is fuscilli with meat, garlic and four cheese pasta sauce.. and some sort of veggie. mm.. it smells soo good in here. :)
YAY!!!!! Joyious news!!! I just got the official news from EDD that I'm approved for California Training Benefits while going to school!! ::jumps up and down:: I'll be able to go to school for the next year and still get paid!!! Now that this has been decided, the flag on my case can be taken off and I can start getting paid again. Thank you Universe.. for my blessings.
lol.. no sooner was I done, then I got an email from Dr. Johnson.. all of my music due dates for the semester where changed.. silly. 1:14 PM ::
Okay.. I'm so on top of it.. all of my homework due dates, and exam dates are programmed into my calender.. my professors' email addys are stored in my address book, I'm right on schedule of where I need to be. Well.. just slightly behind with the unpacking process.. I didn't realize I had so much stuff. 12:55 PM ::
I vowed to myself, as I was laying down last night, that I was going to sleep in this morning. Sweet lucious, sleep. I, however, woke up at 8am. Tomorrow is Fray Day.. has it been a year already? Sacramento has a story to tell |
