Tuesday, June 26, 2001
Long time no post...again. Surprising how un-often I use this blog. Heh. Like the new layout? Ok...so really only the colors and image changed. I was lazy. Hey, I spent awhile on that gorgeous (if I do say so myself) blend for the title pic. Anyway.I've decided I want to write something. I'd like to do a fanfic but I'm not sure I know anything well enough to write about it. I also want to write a fantasy story and I've already got it worked out---an epic-style retelling of "The Traveling Companion" (one of your classic fairytales). I found a translation of it in an old Hans Christian Anderson book I have (lord is it an awful one) but the basic plot just begs for a cooler retelling. Kind of like what Vinge did with the Snow Queen (if anybody who's reading this doesn't know, I worship those books and get people to read them whenever I can so I can create a following---me and Erin R. are the only devout disciples I know of at the moment, unless Kestrel's read em).
Heh...I remember the Eight Gifts, my first attempt at fantasy. Heehee...pretty bad but it was fun. Dragonsnstuff.
I wanna write vampire junk too. I just wanna write. I'm great at characters and atmosphere, but plot....heheh...heh...>_<. I never know where I'm going.
I've got ideas for short stories floating around in my head but they're all scary and depressing. And none of them have an ending (there's that plot thing again...).
Arrrrgggghhhh. Fanfiction.Net is driving me crazy cause I wanna post something there cause you can get reviews and everything...maybe I shouldn't be after reviews though ("THAT WAS SO AWFUL HOW COULD YOU WRITE THAT THERE WAS NO PLOT!"). *blush* hehehh.
Ok. I just posted all that cuz I thought I oughta let you know I was still alive. If anybody even reads this...^.^'
posted by Greyling on 12:12 PMMonday, May 14, 2001
Sorry, last post was for Saturday but there was a problem with the posting thingy-ma-jig.ANYWAY...Tracey, I know just how you feel...not so much about the room but about needing to do things and having no time to do them. And my parents nagging me, etc...I wanna work on this or that website but I never get time...then there's stuff I hate myself for not doing, like exercising or eating right or "participating" in stuff but I can never do anything for very long. I wanna be in good shape and be all active and shit but it just ain't happening. I feel like a pathetic load of trash sometimes and I have to keep reminding myself what I actually like about me and what I can do instead of what I hate and what can't. Here.
What I Hate About Me
-I never exercise
-I eat too much junk food but am really picky about healthy stuff
-I get jealous very easily
-I'm often biased
-I cause a lot of people a lot of worry sometimes
-I subconsciously crave attention and often get it in ways like cutting
-I argue and argue on stupid topics
-I get really loud and edgy when I want to be calm and helpful
-I act like a little kid a lot when what I consider to be me hardly comes out at allThings I Can't Do
-Sports (for the most part)
-Math (quickly, anyway)
-Keep something going for very long (projects, etc.)
-Draw as well as I want to (no artist will ever draw as well as they want)Now for the other half I'm working on...
Things I Like About Me
-I'm a good listener when it comes to stuff I care about
-I have an open mind
-I'm tolerant of all races/religions/ethnicities/sexualities
-I care about my friends
-I appreciate beauty in everything
-I'm mature (may not act it always but I am)
-Relatively friendly (I don't bite too hard)
-Wild imaginationThings I Can Do
-Draw
-Write (sort of)
-Smile (when I feel like it)
-Laugh (ooh, good one)
-Memorize well
-State my opinion
-Dance (I'm not saying well but I can)
-Create things in my headOk, see? I'm working on appreciating stuff I can do and stuff I like rather than focusing on putting myself down all the time. I don't wanna be conceited, I just need more self esteem. Eh...Ja.
posted by Greyling on 6:12 PMSaturday, May 12, 2001
Last night there was a big dance (hollywood style) so I dressed like Lisa Monelli in Cabaret, just for kicks. Top hat, long black gloves, slinky red shirt, black skirt, red fishnets and a garter. Oh yeah, I picked up a black feather boa too ^_-. Most of it I got from a great gothic/punk store that just opened in the mall, Hot Topic. My friends could tell you I'm a little obsessed with the place but hey, I needed a change of wardrobe. I'm getting my hair bleached and dyed purple (really purple this time) in a couple of weeks. Unfortunately after the Washington trip. Anyway, the dance was a bit of a letdown I thought...Twink and I danced a lot and that was fun but something was just off. Heh...Aaron Conn (sp?) and his cronies giggled and pointed everytime I walked by but I could care less what he thinks. I wear what I damn well please and he and whoever else has a problem can shove it. I'm sick of being reigned in by the social norm and what's acceptable for me as an "un-cool" or normally "shy" kid to do. I'm gonna do what I want around here. I'll wear a tux to prom if I feel like it, thank you very much. I'll draw whatever I want. I'll dye my hair whatever color I want it. I'll stand up for my own opinions---I'm sick of the stupidly low tolerance level at this school. Little inexperienced rich kids who think they have the right to judge people they don't even know. Anyway.Needed to let off a little steam. Sometimes it gets to me that I'm stuck here. I hardly even have any ties to Ann Arbor anymore...my friends back there and I never even talk much. I knew it'd happen eventually but it's still a surprise. Sometimes I wake up and wonder where the hell I am. I'm glad my friends down here and I are closer now, though, so I guess things'll be ok.
There's a bunch of things I wanna say but I can't say any of them, so I guess I'll end here? Ja ne.
posted by Greyling on 4:38 PMSunday, April 29, 2001
Right...it's 11 pm and I'm just a little tired. School tomorrow. Like I care. Wish I was sick. Blech.Emily, I've been reading your blog, and this may be a futile request but please just don't worry so much. Why does this bother you so much? I mean, for fourteen years you seem to have been living your life not needing an ultimate purpose so why's it bugging you now? I frankly don't care if I have an ultimate purpose, I'm just here. Maybe that's just me but who gives? Say you don't have an ultimate purpose in life. That's it. Nothing you can do about it, sorry. And say you do have an ultimate purpose. You'll figure it out. Either way, there's no need to spend all your time debating it and making yourself upset. I understand it's hard to get off a track once you're on it but you're makin everybody worried. Just try and relax. You have your whole life ahead of you. Frankly, we're not even supposed to be thinking about this at this age. If we stop here and say "life is futile", we ruin it for ourselves. Give it a chance, is all I'm asking.
Drops of Jupiter is the best song. Period.
Frosted cheerios are yummy and I recommend them as a comfort food, along with goldfish crackers (those are my two).
I'm not making much sense, I guess....eh. Who says I need to make sense. Who says I need to do anything? I don't, hah. So why do I? Cause I can. Why do I live? Cause I can! Hah!
Alright...ja ne.
posted by Greyling on 11:18 PMTuesday, April 24, 2001
Man...isn't adolescant life fun. I think I have it pretty damn good though, parent-wise (go read Tracey's blog). I'm...just at loose ends. Everybody has problems with their folks except me (not like I want to, hell, I'm happy, but I hate not being able to relate to my friends' problems). Sure I've got crap to deal with too, we all do. Nobody's ok at this point, nobody. The important thing is that we'll all be ok. Messages:Emily-- Don't just say you're fine now. Nobody's fine. We care about you and want you to tell us what's going on so we can try to help, or if you honestly don't know then talk more about how you're feeling and we'll see if we can all figure it out. I feel like I act pretty immature to you at school and I'd understand if you didn't want to talk to me about it, but do talk to someone. I'm here if you need me.
Tracey-- Damn, I don't know how to help you and I really wish I did. It must be so confusing for you...I'm right here if you wanna talk ('bout anything). As for me, please don't worry cause I'm really not that bad (heh, that must sound like a load of BS). I really appreciate the concern though and you can childproof my house if you want to ^_- but I don't think it will happen again. I'm trying very hard to control it and I think it's going away again (and that's the truth) so unless I get way guilty or angry again I think I'm ok. Robyn's working with me on alternatives and I'll certainly put calling you on the list ^_- thanks.
Samina-- You never talk about this kind of thing. Why? I know you must have your own share of problems and we'd be willing to listen to you, just open up. I'll help you make a blog if you want ^_-
Alright, gtg, talk to you all later. I'm really feeling much better now and I wish you guys the same.
posted by Greyling on 8:00 PMSaturday, April 21, 2001
Isn't life fun...I'm sick to my stomach. Think I'm catching whatever Tracey and my little sister have...ick. Was up last night at Mina's, fun fun, though poor Twink hadda go home cause she felt ill. We watched The Breakfast Club, in my opinion one of the best movies I've seen (Emily disagrees except she won't say why). Right now I'm just sitting around trying not to go for anything sharp edged...yeah, that's back again. I have four nice red scratches on my left arm, left over from...wedsnday, I think. I keep promising people I won't do anymore but hell, they know how ridiculous it is to ask me not to, right? I mean, it isn't a controllable thing...not very, anyway. They don't think I'm doing this by choice, I hope, cause really if I was the stable person I used to be (when was that again?) I wouldn't want any cuts. I have to say, though, in my present state I'm pretty proud of my marks...don't ask me why, I couldn't tell you but they give me some physical acknowledgement of all this emotional shit. They're nothing though, they're really only scratches and I'm probably too scared to go any deeper but sometimes I want to. It isn't the same as it was, that itch, the physical feeling but there's a lot more to hold me back now than there was then. Then I figured nobody'd care (right...forgot I had parents), now I've got to worry about what my friends'll say (mostly they don't say anything which is considerate of them). Right now I really really want to but I won't, I won't cause I said I wouldn't. Robyn's gonna call me tonight to see how many pieces I'm in and I want to tell her one...so, I'll go....I dunno. Do something else. Be sick for awhile.
posted by Greyling on 5:55 PMWednesday, April 18, 2001
Long time no post, eh?Don't have much to say, except a few things to a few people.
Will-....I can't even express how sorry and awful I feel. I've got to do this, though. I still want us to be friends, and I'll still be here for you. You're the most mature and understanding guy I've met, and you certainly deserve better than me.
Emily- Try and calm down! I know it doesn't seem like it now but you'll sort things out. As for the suspecting yourself of not wanting to be fine, I've got a little confession to make. I'm scared of getting better. There, I said it, parts of me don't want to get better. There's the part that thinks depression is an easy way out of life, because everybody's taking care of you and you get so much attention and you don't have to do anything except be in your little world. There's the part that's addicted to the "high" of being down (heh, sounds funny don't it), there's the part that says "hey, while I'm this I'm different from people and I like that", there's the part of me that thinks I deserve it, etc. Then there's the rest of me that says "What the hell are you thinking? You have a life and loved ones and plenty of stuff left in the world to do and see, so get the hell off your ass and live!" (yep, when I talk to myself I curse a lot ^_^) I'm not saying your situation is anything like that, but if it is, you're not alone! Life wouldn't be interesting without its ups and downs. Currently, we're both in a down but there's an up coming along and I'll be right there when it does. Here's a tip: nobody's ever "fine". You could be fine for a while, maybe for years, but sometime in your life or in the very back of your head something'll happen that's not fine, and it's perfectly ok. I certainly don't want to be fine. I'd have a boring life if I was. I like riding the rollercoaster. Sometimes you're screaming, sometimes you're laughing, but when you get to the end didn't you have fun?
Think on that one. Ja ne.
posted by Greyling on 4:29 PM
|*|greyling|*|
email* |nightshade@shadowlady.com|
AIM* BlackDoll999
collective* |e d i t h|
|*|archives|*|
past ramblings
|*|other blogs|*|
emily* |she can't handle it|
tracey* |feigned madness jr.|
sarina* |deep in the dark|
the tenshi* |tenshi|
kate* |freefall|
lily* |the enemy's gate is always DOWN|
erin* |bob and fred|
sarina and chiri* |permanent hiatus|
sarina and kate* |arrows in the rainstorm|
kestrel* |call it eccentric|
|*|current|*|
color* grey
song* beautiful day (U2)
movie* american beauty
anime* escaflowne
manga* ranma 1/2, silent mobius, shin-vampire miyu
mental state* recovering from depression
|*|layout|*|
featuring* again, iwakura lain from serial experiments lain
designed by* me
html borrowed from* |permanent hiatus|
steal it and you'll die a thousand deaths
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