I've been trying for days to find the right words.. to find something to say to express how I feel.. I can't.
everytime I see a picture
even if I've seen it a thousand times
I want to cry
everytime someone mentions that someone killed people .. for NO fucking reason..
I feel my eyes filling..
everytime someone tells me how they feel..
I feel like someone is ripping peices of my heart away.
everytime I look at one of the children..
everytime.. I breathe in.. or lay not being able to sleep.
What is there to say?
people are dead.. people are hurt..
some people will never see the ones they love EVER again..
what words are there?
I'm angry. I'm.. sorrowful..
Someone sent me an email this morning, asking if the world would ever be the same again, I wanted because it's my nature to try and comfort, to say that everything would be okay soon.. but I couldn't it would be a lie I think.. it won't be okay.. and I don't think it'll ever be the same again, how could it be?
the rules changed, the game.. (I do not in any way mean to be disrespectful by calling it a game) has changed, and we're all in new territory.
Can we survive in that territory? Our hopes, dreams and moral beliefs?
what about them..
I don't know.
posted by ayli at 11:22 AM
Whats your favorite thing?
I watched City of Angels tonight with Rachel.. she watched IT at a sleepover and was scared to go to sleep.. I saw it the first time when it first came out, but everytime I see it I fall more in love with the movie.
As Seth, the angel comes to take away the soul of a little girl, he asks, what was her favorite thing and she responds.. pajamas..so I asked Rachel.. what is your favorite thing.. she thought for awhile.. and answered.. gulash.. so, I started to think..what is my favorite thing.. it's.. a masive question.
My favorite things..
in no particular order
I have a white down comforter on my bed.. it feels so very soft, and makes me think of it's how it would feel to sleep in a cloud
that feeling you get after climbing out of a bath.. all warm and perfectly clean and aware
that feeling you get holding a tiny baby.. when you know that they are counting on everyone in the world to care for them
talking to someone when you don't have to try.. when they just know what your feeling.
the feel of a small childs hand in yours
standing on the beach in before the vastness of the ocean
Knowing you've done something good.. even if it didn't shake the world.
sleeping
books that make you think and feel and cry and hurt and fall in love.. even after you've read them 20 thousand times.
the feeling of fingers running through my hair.
Sitting at the end of raven's bed, with the kids quiet and feeling as though this is exactly where I'm meant to be.
The first time Tyler told me he loved me, and was old enough to know what he meant.
The look on a childs face when they catch an idea or grasp a new way of thinking.
There's so much I can think of.. so much that is beautiful and worthwhile, so much that I don't think I could ever choose ONE moment, or one thing that I love best. I'm so glad, that I'm awake to these things now. Since a major portion of my life was spent thinking that the world was horible and only there to cause pain.. I'm in awe of the things that can be so lovely, so wonderful, that they defy reason.
"You don't have to see something for it to be true."
posted by ayli at 9:11 AM
Visably
your here,
you care
you stand with me,
through all the wind and wild storms that blow
through our lives, through the loves,
passing and changing, hurts fading with time.
In my heart
the place that might be called my soul
it's vacant
no one shares this space
no one to care
no one is here
no one stands with me
I fight the monsters and angels alone.
The storms blow, taking me with them,
wherever their will pushes them to go.
The wind rages in my ears,
but not so that you can hear
it's mine alone this ragesome whirl
I alone contain it,
as long as
Visably,
your here.
----
I'm tired
and it's not sleep I need
I can't breath
or think
or talk
I can't breathe
I'm tired
and sleep won't come
can't come
can't get past the walls,
the cieling pressing down upon my head.
words like music in my head.
I can't breath in the waiting
I can't push them in line.
Going quiet and still
I watch them dance behind my eyes
waltzing and spinning
to their own lyrics
to the void
the very darkness
that might be my soul
Fingers itch to reach out and grasp the meanings
as they spin away again
I'm so tired,
and the answer won't come
can't come
I can't breathe
I can't think
the words are spinning,
closer, then away.
almost forming meanings,
then slipping away to another place
Was that it
the peice I've been waiting for
Would the sleep come now
with the peace I've been searching for
Living without knowing
is the hardest task.
---
Closing my eyes
and so my heart
broken sentences
uttered nonsense
shoulders lowered
defeat accepted
Sitting in the dark,
a life broken
despair and fear hanging restlessly in the air
the torturous silence relentlessly drumming
into my soul..
Damned
ugly
un-feeling, old and broken
of no use anymore
hurting, hardening
becoming something new
something less
crashed, dashed, stomped and left behind
to be swept into the trash.
Wrenching free,
breaking the silence,
screaming, standing
alone, but tall,
pulling free to run, to dance.
The music of life coming clear.
Stepping to the new march,
down the old broken down paths
over broken stemmed flowers dying on worn stone.
Past the destruction of youth,
to a new landscape
dry and brittle.
Kneeling
I lift the clay from the earth
in struggle hardened hands
in an attempt to mold my world into something
of value, of substance, and perhaps
beauty.
posted by ayli at 12:54 PM
I don’t usually start a blog until I have at the very least a basic idea of what it is I’m going to say.. well, this time I’m kinda just going to write what comes to mind, I hope it makes some sense.
Simi and Ror came to dinner last night, well, as we understood it, they were going to be here around 1 or 2 in the afternoon.. we started getting worried when they didn’t show up at 2.. Then simi called, and we figured from where she was.. it would be about 45 more minutes, so raven ran to the store for a few things that we had forgotten. I started the roast that we had promised simi at about 2.. and was pealing the eggs while raven was at the store, when she got back she started on the stuffed mushrooms.. I sat down in the bedroom to relax for a few before they got here.. then went and pealed/chopped the potatoes.. I asked Nathan to come and pull the roast out of the oven, as I had almost dropped it putting it in .. my thumb lately has been very very very sore, and almost.. locking up when I try to grasp things, not even necessarily heavy things, so.. anyhow, I had him pull the roast out, and just then Ror and simi pulled up. Raven ran right out to greet them, I stayed behind in the kitchen, kinda getting ready to meet them it takes me some time to get.. used to new people, and sometimes I feel the need to hide. Raven came into the kitchen after she had gotten them into the house and asked if I was gonna come out and say hello, I tried to make an excuse of having to cut up the onions, but she took them away from me.. I came out into the living room, and oddly enough, didn’t feel the need to run away, simi didn’t seem frightening to me at all. I hugged her and Ror, after she promised me that neither of them had needles on them. (remember the wording here!!)
We went into the kitchen, and simi poured herself a drink and immediately offered to help cook.. raven gave her a cucumber to peal.. I was pretty much done with all I could do at that point and went to hide out in the bedroom for a little while, only about 15 minutes, and not because I was terribly frightened, but simply to take a short break so as not to become overloaded. I honestly never worry anymore that anyone will harm me with raven/Ron around, I just get slightly overloaded at times. Raven and simi helped the kiddo’s with their homework.
Anyhow, not long after I came out, Ron walked in, two hours early or so. Which was way cool. Raven and simi and Ror were all sitting around talking, and Ron joined in.. I kinda sat on the love seat just offering the occasional comment, but it was all really a lot more comfortable then I expected it to be.
Raven and simi had to go to the store for something for Ron, and I put out nibblie things for everyone to munch on while we were waiting for dinner. About a half hour before dinner was done we all flew into the kitchen and actually worked very well together, raven was doing eggplant parmesan and simi and I made breadsticks, we finished putting the salad together and got everything ready then cleared out of the kitchen, raven did the finishing touches and I folded napkins for the dinning room table, Rons daughter Rachel wasn’t staying for dinner so it got a little confusing.. I wasn’t sure if we were waiting for her to go to her mothers or what.. and raven had already said dinner was ready, we finally all got into the act and piled into the dinning room.. Our dinning room table fits 8 people.. a little cramped though, half of us were left handed so it was kinda interesting, Nathan, who has just recently decided he’s going to be a vegetarian was very pleased by the eggplant, and everyone else really liked it as well. It was very comfortable. a family type dinner everyone talking and getting along, Kyle didn’t want to eat but didn’t whine to much.. He was actually very adorable for the whole time they were here.
(not that he’s not most of the time.. but sometimes.. the kid can hit SUCH a high pitch!) I cleared out as soon as I was done with dinner to sit down in the living room by myself for a few minutes then came back to join the others, everyone started carrying different things into the kitchen. It was decided that Nathan would do the dishes so I tried to help him as much as possible, cleaning off the plates and putting away all the leftovers. About halfway through raven came in and got a plate and cake cutter to give Ror one of the brownies I had made for desert.. I jokingly said that he couldn’t have any, she told me I had to tell HIM that, so I stuck my head out of the kitchen door, said.. raven says I have to tell you NO, then ran back into the kitchen, everyone laughed. When I was done I went back into the dinning room and sat down to listen to the conversation. It was about then that I relaxed the rest of the way. I was already comfortable with simi upt till that point, but still unsure of Ror.. he said something.. and grinned and I relaxed almost immediately, I don’t know exactly why it’s so important but I rely very much on peoples facial expressions. ANYHOW.. we switched rooms to the living room, and sat around to talk, people got on and offline wandering in and out of the channel to talk, after awhile I went to take Kyle to bed cause Ron said it was my turn. I read him a few stories then told him to get to sleep, he only came out one time after that.. We got Sam off to bed, then were sitting around talking, that’s when simi mentions the needles are out in the car,. I of course tell her she FIBBED.. she told me that she didn’t have any needles, she corrected me, she said she didn’t have any needles ON her.
After Nathan had had his shower and gone to bed simi went out to the car and brought in the needles, I was kinda apprehensive, but also very interested in seeing this, the only other time I had seen needle play it was very.. gross looking, the needles were all very very close together, touching each other, and there was a lot of blood.
Ron was REAAAALLLLLY interested. He got really close and watched how Ror stuck the needles in simi, he was very careful to sterilize the area then he very very carefully stuck the first needle through her skin, I was impressed at how she just sat there so calmly, thinking at the time that I would probably scream if someone did that to me.
I’m not sure how many he did, but it was about 7 or 8 then he did a cross.. which looked exceptionally painful, When Ror had finished simi let us touch the skin where the needles where. Ron asked for a needle and stuck himself a few times in different places to see how it felt, then had Ror stick one in his chest so he could understand the sensation. When That was done simi asked if I wanted to be next. She very carefully said that I did NOT have to do it, this wasn’t a contest if I didn’t feel like I wanted to I didn’t have to, but strangely enough by then, I really Wanted to. So she moved over and I sat in the place where she had been Ron sat behind me rubbing my back and neck, he was very sweet making sure I was okay. I really want to stress how safe I feel having he and raven around me, it makes me feel so much more loved then I’ve ever felt before . simi sat next to me and held my hand, raven sat across from me and kept eye contact.
Ror got a clean handkercheif and I was careful to warn both of them that I bruse and bleed a lot. At first I was a little embaresed, I don’t really like my breasts, not just for their size but they aren’t in my opinion very attractive. And I realised at that point that I was going to have to bare at Least one of them. I kinda unbuttoned my shirt about halfway and tucked it around my bra, just tugging my breast out enough to give a good working space. Ron unbuttoned it 2 more to give more space! When Ror sprayed the alchol on my breast I almost yelled owwie right then so I realized I had to relax quick. I just started thinking about Rons hands on my neck and looked at raven who was sitting across from me, so when he stuck the first needle in I wasn’t all tensed out.. surprise surprise.. it wasn’t OWWIE.. it was actually.. nice.. talk about shocked. I started watching what he was doing as he did two more. about then we had a slight scare the cat was moving around in the kitchen and had knocked something off the shelves, so we decided to move into Ron/raven’s room because we could lock the door. When I tried to stand up I realised I couldn’t get up without my shirt trying to close, and simi was trying to rearange it so it didn’t grabe the needles, but it wasn’t working so I ended up having to unbutton it all the way to the bottom, it wasn’t that I had a real problem with anyone SEEING them at that point.. I just.. was still feeling slightly shy. I went into the bedroom and had a slightly akward moment when I realised I would have to sit ON the bed. But I sat on Ron’s side of the bed with Ron behind me and simi next to me, raven stood next to Ror so I could see and talk to her if I needed to.Ror put in a couple more needles down, then did a cross at the top it only sligtly hurt.. and at one point I got the giggles because Ron was tickling my arm, which is kinda odd, that’s not normally a “tickle” spot but I think the extra sensation caused a tickle. He was really sweet and rubbed my back and stuff, when Ror was done sticking the needles in I sat for a little while then we took them out and raven had a turn.. she was really amazing, raven wrote about how she felt in her blog, but I just want to explain my point of view, I was sitting ther watching her, and Ron, and she just looked so.. calm and really lovely at that moment, raven was just sitting there feeling the sensation and Kyle woke up and Ron had to go calm him down and put him back in bed, while Ron was gone simi pulled out a flogger she had told me about, it has latigo leather on the outside and rubber on the inside, I don’t remember exactly HOW it happened, but she said something about me bending over, that she would hit me, so.. I did. Hey, I LIKE being hit.. is good. And simi is VERY GOOD! Ron came in, and he got another flogger, and they both stood on either side and hit me, I didn’t go into subspace, but I did get.. high sorta.. I was really enjoying it. It’s not a sex thing, or even a space thing at times like that, I was just.. Enjoying how it felt, and oh boy did it feel good. I was bent over the end of the bed, looking at raven and it just felt amazing. After a little while simi said she’d like to try some stuff, the whole time she was very careful to ask if I was okay and remind me all I had to say was stop at any time and she would. Ron about then asked raven to hand him his drink, (this is importaint to what I thought was going on) I felt slightly sharpish things slapping against my butt, I really thought it was a hard bristled brush, then my butt was wet.. I thought Ron had used one of the ice cubes out of his drink to get my butt wet.. raven told me I was bleeding.. but I kinda figured it was a mind fuck thing.. untill simi showed me her hand.. which had blood on it.. at first.. it was like.. oh.. my.. that’s MY blood.. I’m bleeding.. wow.. I always thought I’d be upset if I got hurt enough to bleed.. but.. it wasn’t bad.. it was actually like.. WOW.. that’s cool.. I remember appoligizing to simi about getting blood on her.. but it was more out of.. not knowing what else to say at that point. I saw her get a needle and go behind me, I didn’t think it would cut into my skin.. duh.. really.. I felt it being pulled down over my skin.. but figured it was just lightly scratching.. I ended up with blood dripping down my legs raven and Ron were wiping it off but it still stained the carpet a little. Ron tried something he’d tried before with raven, which basically consisited of (it felt to me) jabbing my butt all over with a needle!. We stopped for a few minutes while Ror removed the cross from simi’s chest, and so I could change positions, I was leaning/laying across the bed and simi hit me some with the paddle, but I started bleeding again. Then she started dripping wax onto my butt.. it was.. unlike any thing I could really remember feeling before, it felt like a hot knife sliding through my skin. I made some comment about the wax, and simi STOPPED.. evil.. really evil.. she made me explain, exactly what I meant.. before she started again.When she had finished with the wax, Ron got out the cane again and started smacking the backs of my thighs.. I was okay for most of it.. then he started hitting that.. SPOT.. I don’t know how to explain it .. but he knows exactly where it is by now.. and he always hits it PERFECTLY. I don’t know how long it was, but he hit me once.. then again.. then again in rapid succession.. and.. I don’t know how to explain it.. I just said.. OWWWIE OWWIE OWWWWIEE STOP.. You win.. enough.. please please please.. and I flew/slid backwards so I was sitting on my knees by the side of the bed.. it hurt.. but it was also.. just.. overload.. it hurt.. Ron was next to me hugging me.. and simi came across the bed to hold on to me.. and raven ran for ice (I don’t know HOW she moved that fast with needles in her breasts) she got ice and put it on the cane marks.. and they all were very very sweet and kind to me making sure I was okay..
I’ve Never hit a limit before, there has never been a point where I said stop, stop hitting me. Ussually someone’s arm get’s sore before my body/mind wants them to stop. It was scary. It was also good.
There’s more, simi was played with, and raven got her needles removed.. but they’ll tell you about that stuff I think. (raven already did)
Anyhow, I need to get to bed, and this is four pages in word now.. so I’m gonna just post it to blog.. and get some sleep.
Suffice it to say, all in all, it was a Wonderful visit, Ror and simi were both sweet and nice and fun!!!
posted by ayli at 12:21 AM
