you know what's odd? i found out that ryan (a friend of josh and mine from back in the day) occasionally reads the defenestrator. i suppose that in itself is not odd... but the fact that he does makes me feel some bizzar pressure to spell things correctly and put the comas in the right places. i don't know why. i mean... i respect josh as a literary authority (in my little world, he's a great writer), but i don't feel that pressure knowing he reads my crap. i think this dates back to my young adulthood. when i would hang out with ryan and josh together, i awlays felt like.... their little brother or something - like i didn't quite fit in. they both wrote poetry and talked about deep thoughts. i played soccer. they had something I lacked but always wanted. they had fuel for the fire of poetry. i wrote the ocassional short story about james bondage and his battles with evil. I guess with josh i have resigned myself to the fact that i will just have to be funny in different ways than he. I will be successful in different ways than he. I suppose i haven't adjusted myself like that with ryan because he has remained a figure from my past until just this last weekend. hmmm.....i have to go. more on this later
posted by John Hosford 2:18 PM

Monday, August 20, 2001

Went to Huntington Beach this weekend!!! i love the motherland. well... i love what the motherland used to be. when i drive around it felt like a sold out, commercialized soulless billboard. there are no more brick buildings. there is no more gothard st. making the 5 pts center a legitimate shopping center. there is just immitation spanish stucco and modern looking buildings, high density housing and new hip bars. Jack's Surfboards and the End Cafe are gone. well, jack's is back but it's an immitation of its former self. taking in that much "progress" in a 10 minute tour is a little odd.

Josh bet emily 20 bucks that i'll either be a lawyer or a management consultant. emily said she thinks i'll be an engineer. it makes me feel good knowing that those close to me think so highly of me. hopefully i'll prove one of them right.

i really want to say something funny right now, but my creative juices aren't flowing all that well. just laugh and assume that i am witty. thanks.

i saw ryan and his dude on saturday! that was a real treat. i haven't seen him in about 3 years. I keep screwing up his man's name... greg or craig. i think i either need a Q-tip or i need to get my head out of my ass. you be the judge. anyway, he seems to be doing pretty well.... having fun etc. i think that's the most important thing... having fun

i was worried emily wasn't having fun this weekend. we were mostly around my people, doing my things. she mostly played "silent observer" while i played "hey i'm an idiot." i had to remove myself from conversations because i would pause for a moment and realize that no one but me had said anything in what seemed like an eternity. at mike's housewarming party i actually got up and left the table so people could talk to emily and hopefully get to know her. sometimes i'm an ass.

anyway.. i'm going to write more when i feel funnier.

jonno
posted by John Hosford 1:35 PM

Monday, July 23, 2001

I really need to keep a better handle on this updating thing. the longer i go without blogging, the more daunting the task of keeping everyone up to date.

I had a pretty funny conversation with mike last night. we were talking about the prospect of my impending fatherhood, and he said "yeah, the most immature of our group is having a baby... not that you're immature, but out of the group, you were voted most immature." It was a valiant attemt at a save, but i still had to laugh. it's not that i think of myself as an icon of maturity and responsibility, but i guess you have to love your friends because they'll tell you the real deal right to your face. Am I responsible? I don't know. I had a substitute teacher in 5th grade that made us write "responsibility is the willingness to accept that you are the cause of the matter" 25 times when we screwed up. I suppose by that definition, I am utterly responsible. I don't think i've ever blamed anyone for anything i've ever done. the devil never made me do anything. my own spontaneity and lack of forsight made me do everything. feel free to call me out on that @ donjonno@yahoo.com.

my hockey team is 6 and 1. woo hoo! haven't made the playoffs since i left so cal.

i was called "dumber than a rock" at the doubletree hotel by a bitter old hag. this gal has been "in this industry for 18 years" and she's "never had to put up with the crap I put up with here." i have a couple thoughts on this topic. first: if she is so much smarter than i, why has she been a waitress for 18 years and i got promoted over her after 6 short weeks of employment? second: last time i checked, no one held a gun to her head and made her show up for work. angry people = annoying.

I put my hand in soggy bird poo today. that was fun.

I got a cell phone!! i know i vowed never to "get connected" as i don't even answer the phone in my house when i'm sitting right next to it. i figure if i wanted to talk i'd call you. but... fatherhood looms ever closer, and i feel like emily should be a speed dial away from me at all times in the event that childbirth begins when i am not there. I will give out the number only to emily, my parents, and josh. everyone else can leave a message and when i feel like talking, i'll call you. If my cell phone number appears on your caller ID box when i call you, erase it quickly, and forstall the agonizing beating i will dole out when i discover upon answering the phone that you are neither josh, my parents nor emily calling with news that our child will be coming to see the world very very soon.

In other news, I am a tubby bitch. apparently many expecting fathers gain weight along with their significant others. I have no problem understanding this now. when she eats, i eat. as she is busily growing a baby, this happens much more often than it did before. and emily hasn't been jonesing for fruit cocktail. oh no. she's been demanding pizza. that's it. and lemonade popcicles. and salads. i think those are the 3 major food groups now. salad (with balsamic vinigrette dressing) pizza, and lemonade popcicles. of course i don't like popcicles. so i eat the pizza. over and over again. egads. I wonder if scientists ever mistook tapeworm for pregnancy, or pregancy for tapeworm? and what happened whent the first guy got tapeworm? did they think he was somehow a she? or what about joan of arc? did she blame pregnancy on tapeworm? where the hell is this going? i don't know. at any rate, very few of my suits still fit, and i find myself enjoying wearing clothing that does not require anything to be tucked in.

I now have a pretty manly storage closet. Its contents: 1 reciprocating saw (perfect for cutting holes in drywall) 1 jigsaw (for cutting curves) 1 mitre box (for cutting angles) 1 industrial drill (for drilling stuff) 2 pair golf shoes 1 pair soccer cleats 1 set golf clubs 1 pair snow skis 2 paintball guns and assorted gear. i built some shelves for this embodiment of testosterone. the first thing i ever built from start to finish without instructions. all the shelves were 4" short. thankfully the lovely people at home depot cut me some new ones for a very reasonable 23.42.

that's all the mildly interesting stuff i can think of right now. i'll keep you posted.

jonno
posted by John Hosford 2:43 PM

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

there are 17 instances of the word "tired" on josh's blog
posted by John Hosford 12:29 PM

Monday, June 18, 2001

Not much new to report, but as josh seems to stay on the ball with his blog, i feel i should do the same since he took the time to set mine up. what i really wonder about is if any one besides me and josh actually read my blog. i don't get much of a response (well, none actually) when i ask questions about malignant neoplasms and what to name my baby. this leads me to believe that either my readership is clueless, uninspired, or just lazy. i am not willing to admit that no one reads my weekly rantings, and since i can't even count as high as josh and his cohorts' iq's without the aid of an abacus, i have to believe that i am not motivating them properly. so from here on out there will be a prize for the best responses to each of my questions, submitted only be email, or written on the back of a 20 dollar bill and mailed to me. i will repeat 2 questions from the past to make things easier, in case anyone has put any thought in to them before today.

1) what to name my baby if it's a he (this can be as simple as emailing your 10 favorite boys' names - first and middle - although i would like the middle name to be either stephen or craig, and it must sound good with Hosford)
2) what is malignant neoplasm and how does it kill 25-34 year olds in such great numbers? (the link josh made on my blog for malignant neoplasm doesn't work)

this weeks prize will be determined based on the quality of the answers. minimum prize - one pair of certified pre-owned underwear, availabled only at your local certified pre-owned underwear dealer. these underwear undergo a 162 point inspection for quality and are better than some brand new underwear models (not underwear models we used gawk at in grade school- well... maybe not we, but at least me ... but models as in types - boxers v boxer briefs)

max prize - dinner for the winner and me at the cheesecake factory atop the macy's building in union square

the prizes will get better as time goes on.

don't be shy

donjonno@yahoo.com

posted by John Hosford 1:43 PM

Thursday, June 14, 2001

i'll tell you the moral of my story first: if you are falling out of touch with your siblings, make babies. and tell me if you can what a malignant neoplasm is. it killed 15000 people last year in my age group (now 25-34, not 18-24. sigh. the wheel of time stops for no man)

I almost died yesterday. I went to www.cdc.gov/ncipc/osp/leadcaus/ustable.htm to see if I could find out if my near death experience listed among the top ten causes of death for my agegroup. I guess i was hoping that "felony level stupidity" would be the nomenclature, as i surely would have qualified. However, "unitended injuries" is the leading cause of death for people age 25-34. while you would think that unintened injuries make up the whole of all injuries, it seems that car accidents qualify as do accidental poisonings, but touching a high voltage capacitor is exempt. for those of you not well versed in electronic equipment, a capacitor is somewhat like a battery - it can store a charge (in this case 6500 volts) but the discharge time is very fast, unlike a battery. I was given an education in the longevity of capacitors yesterday. the equipment i was working on was powered off for about 30 minutes, and there is a safety mechanism in place that is intended to take all stored voltages to ground when the transmitter is turned off. i thought i was safe. heh. i reached my hand in to loosen a bolt and POW (where are the batmanesque pop up windows when you need them?) i was blown back in to the wall behind me as 6500 volts traveled in my right index finger, across my shoulders, and out my left forarms. I ran around screaming obscinities and questioning why i couldn't move or feel my hands. after what seemed like an eternity, but was probably more like 15 or 30 seconds, feeling and movement returned, and the unmistakable scent of burning flesh hung in the air. It was then that i noticed the entrance and exit wounds. i now have a little hole at the tip of my index finger and several smaller holes on my left forarm. i was hoping for the white light, or god to tell me that i've lived well and will be welcome when i eventually do die, or even satan to tell me i'm screwed, but i got nothing. not even an epiphony. you would think that fear like that would be accompanied by some new found respect for life, or a desire to live better, or something. nope. i'm just pissed i can't type that well cuz my index finger is fried. worry not... i will not lose the use of my trigger finger - probably more aptly name my binky shaker (those last drops of pee pee can be annoying). life goes on - and i suppose that the only feeling i have on the topic is this blanket of sadness. not overwhelming.... just kinda there. dunno why. maybe this is time for introspection. you can all extrospect if you like, and tell my why.

other than that, life is grand. impending fatherhood creeps closer, and i become more elated with each passing day. i talked to my sister for like 2 and a half hours last night. i haven't talked with her for that long since we were on a family road trip when i was 8 and i couldn't get out of it. i guess having a common bond can be a pretty powerful force (in our case, parenthood).

jonno
posted by John Hosford 2:34 PM

Tuesday, June 12, 2001

First i would like to voice my frustration with mr. joshua for choosing the one weekend i was out of town to enjoy zachary's pizza.

next: a status report.

we got an ultrasound done yesterday. if the baby's heartbeat was fascinating, the picture of this little guy wrigglin around in there was just craziness. he was shadowboxing and tapdancing... he even showed us his arse. maybe he's not as photogenic as his parents. i use "he" and "him" because i can't really enjoy calling it "it". we don't know the gender. we won't know the gender unless i cough up 7 bills. that's 700 bucks for those of us not "street" enough. i think i'd rather pay off a credit card. but... if you all are interested, please... make checks payable to the "discover my gender" fund for the hosford baby. i have 8 weeks until the genitals... or lack thereof.. will be visible enough to make a claim.

the ultrasound tech said that the baby was moving around more than usual. i can see it now "calvin stephen hosford - starting striker for manchester united" or... "gabriel stephen hosford - left wing for the detroit redwings"

probably a more accurate description: preston pantywaist hosford, child terror and aspiring delinquent

that's all the news that's fit to print.

adios

jonno
posted by John Hosford 9:51 AM

Thursday, May 31, 2001

Ok Ok... I've been slacking.

Much in the way of new news. To date, my plan was to leave the coast guard in february of 2002, migrate south to san diego with my chosen, and begin life anew with an appreciation for white collar work and the perks generally associated with that lifestyle. However, it has come to my attention that come november 22nd (give or take a couple weeks) i will be a new father. While this has come as a shock to some, my father said "i can't beleive it's taken this long." I don't know if he was poking fun or not. Emily and i went to the ob/gyn last thursday for our first prenatal visit. I heard the little dude's heartbeat and beleive me when i tell you, it is truly a powerful experience. Again my father's words of wisdom did not lead me to the path of enlightenment "that's the sound of your wallet emptying"

My new plans as of now are to move to morro bay, find some schmoe to hire me at a gazillion dollars a second so that i may provide my child with the life of luxury that was provided for me, and live a happy and sedated life near a support net (i.e. my parents and sister) and the beautiful central coast. my doors will always be open for any of you seeking a weekend getaway to some of california's truly most breathtaking seascapes. just be ready to watch my chosen breast feed at 2am until sometime around 2003.

Let me share some of my inner struggle thus far. First, if you are a rational being such as myself, you find yourself worrying about logistics: "will we be able to move just months after the baby is born?" "how will i finance such a move" "where will we live" "corporal punishment: to beat the child in to submission or not" "who will care for my baby when my chosen and i must work?"

these seem overwhelming if taken as a whole. the first few days after finding out i was both elated and terrified. will i be a good father? will by parents string me up and write me out of the will? is my relationship with emily strong enough to give this kid a loving, caring environment with 2 parents devoted equally to each other and the well being of the kid? this is the question that gives me the most pause. not because i lack confidence in my relationship, but because the odds are so stacked against us. fuck em. emily and i against the world!!

i know that i cannot appreciated the full gravity of the situation until i am living it, but right now i'm having a great time. i've been told by other recent fathers that everyone will have an opinion on how to tell the gender, what having kids is like, what i'll have to do, etc, so your comments are always welcome. i'm sure if i sift through enough bullshit from retards i'll stumble accross a nugget of goodness that i can actually use. so retards.... submit away. donjonno@yahoo.com

i'll keep you appraised of the situation as best i can during the coming months. you can always send me an email if the info is not disseminated as quickly as you would like.

wish me luck. send me money.

jonno
posted by John Hosford 1:29 PM

Tuesday, May 01, 2001

John is not, as the populous has assumed, trapped under something heavy, bleeding to death, and wishing violently that he could post something. In fact, none of these things are true. He is just a lazy somnambulist. One day he'll post.
posted by Joshua White 1:21 PM

Monday, March 19, 2001

Hooray! I get to say "I told you so" to josh (which occers less frequently than one might believe). Sometime in college, i began playing golf with my father as a way to have some extra bonding time, and warned josh that he should do the same. Not bond with my father, mind you, but learn the game of golf. I told him of the windows in the business world that golf opens. He chose not to believe me, and today, i laugh. He told me last night that his boss, boss's boss, and boss's boss's boss's boss are playing in new orleans sometime in april. their respective ranks in the company reflect each individual skill level.... supreme bossman... great golfer... next one down... good... until you get to josh. josh = suck. now, my question is this: is golf skill related to appropriate rungs on the ladder of success, or is your rung on the ladder related to your golf skill. i contend the latter. while i do not beleive that it is impossible to be successfull if you can't play golf, i think that being the guy that the boss's boss's boss's boss wants to play with at retreats, conventions, etc. gives you an edge over the other guys. there will always be people that are smarter than you, quicker than you, better looking than you, but if you can play golf.... you can tip the scales in your favor. in today's economy "it's not what you know it's who you know" doesn't hold as much credence as it used to, but if there are 10 guys that are pretty good coders, have decent scoping skills and a hell of a disposition, the advantage goes to the guy that can play golf with the boss's boss's boss's boss. i would bet my bottom dollar on that. unless one of the other guys is the boss's wife's nephew. then all bets are off.

on a different note, it's time to play "stump raj"

this is where i will put up 10 words, and raj is tasked with defining those words from memory, and as i know raj to be a stand up guy, i know he will not cheat. he is welcome to email his answers to me or josh anytime this week.

1)hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian
2)grig
3)haecceity
4)kylie
5)postcibal
6)woom
7)xystus
8)androlepsia
9)angang-angang
10)bonamano

Raj, or anyone else claiming mastery of the english language, you have your mission. donjonno@yahoo.com if you know the answers, and yes, they are all words. josh will testify to that effect. anyway... i'm off.

you know what kills me? i'm enjoying a day off... it's 8:15 am... and I KNOW josh isn't even awake yet. bastard. i want his life. sometimes.

jonno

posted by John Hosford 8:03 AM

Wednesday, March 14, 2001

I got a flat tire today!! nodded off at the wheel... caught the shoulder of the road... thought "hmmmm.... something doesn't feel right"... pulled over... and bada bing! flat tire. my hands are blackened, my face is covered with brake dust, and i am hungry. i can change 2 tires in just under 20 minutes. is that some sort of record? Just found out that josh is in canada - somewhere near the site of my mother's conception. i wonder if he knows this? as hunger fatigue sets in, i will close todays entry with a quote from a new song i rather enjoy "i think you're beautiful"

jonno
posted by John Hosford 8:30 AM

Monday, March 05, 2001

the mice will play when the cat is away. today both my bosses are gone, and the crew has spent the morning watching the top 10 videos on VH-1. did you know tht aerosmith is still putting out songs? i am out of touch with my generation. I spent all day sunday alternating between reading my book and playing my video game - after sleeping until 4pm. lazy sundays rock!!

josh talked about putting some fiction on his blog.... that sounds like a good idea. maybe in the near future i can talk him in to writing a paragraph.... then i'll write one... and see what happens to our hero Mr. Blanc and the somehow popular antagonist Mr. Hos.

life is happy this week - i have a pepsi can pyramid on my desk rah! rah! feets of engineering ( is that feats? or feets?)

if anyone would like to know any particular aspect of my life, you can email requests to donjonno@yahoo.com

note to self : remember the html tag for mailto:donjonno@yahoo.com so you all can just click and write.

jonno
posted by John Hosford 10:20 AM

Monday, February 26, 2001

ok. today is my day to pitch a bitch. i want to know what the hell is going on with human kind. ok... i'm listening to national public radio the other day, and city arts and lectures comes on at 1pm on sundays. cool. i like that show. turns out to be a couple authors, talking about how great they are. wonderful. then they start making straight jokes. breeder jokes. ok. funny. anyone who knows me could tell you that your sexuality means nothing to me. but... this got me thinking. as i was the token straight guy at the gay club last week, i heard straight jokes all night. don't get me wrong.... i'm in the military... i hear my share of gay jokes - which makes me wonder: what is it about people that make them feel good about shitting on the rest of the world? once you get enough of the same kind of people together it's like.... an us against the world complex that everyone has. only there isn't one common enemy. i have a hard time beleiving that this is something encoded in our genes.... monkeys don't beat the hell out of the darker guy, or the dumber guy, or the less masculine guy. so, what is it about our society that teaches us to hate, to belittle, to conquer not by greatness, but by undermining? donjonno@yahoo.com answer me that, and you win the weekly prize (my voice on your answering machine)
posted by John Hosford 9:01 AM

Saturday, February 17, 2001

saturday: raining outside. i feel rainy inside, too. i miss the sunny skies and blissfull ignorance of the motherland. haven't seen my parents since xmas... hope to remedy that soon.

waiting impatiently for my lady fair to return home. i don't like it when she's gone... even for a few hours.

might be the token straight guy at a party tonight. that should prove interesting.

sigh... still no sojourn

jonno
posted by John Hosford 4:24 PM

Tuesday, February 13, 2001

note to self: keep blogs shorter or risk losing readers
other note to self: grammer check blogs before posting to avoid dumbshit sentances like "upon...... upon" and "our direction was erronious" (still don't know how to spell that)

on that note... peace

V-Day tomorrow!!!! i'll be in napa with the love of my life. you all wish you were me

last note to self: use sojourn in context on next blog
posted by John Hosford 3:14 PM

Friday, February 09, 2001

today we will be discussing the perils of shopping at wallmart. i happened to have cause (she goes by the name of emily) to go to wallmart the other day, and my perpetual fears were once again realized. upon entry, we were looked upon snidely by the surly blue hairs tasked with greating the bastard customers, and the adventure had only began. the original mission: buy an alarm clock. we spent about 20 minutes trying to track down just one of the ever elusive vest wearing "sales agents" so that we might find out where in that expansive monument to low end consumerism we could locate an alarm clock with 2 alarms. once that was accomplished, i thought our epic shopping saga would come to a close. oh no my friend, i would not be so lucky. we made what i hoped would be a quick stop at the mcdonalds for shake and some mcnuggets. as we sat at the table waiting for the delivery of our order, i noticed that the table had a rough stucco feel to it instead of the familiar smooth formica top. while studying the table, a gaggle of rogue children invaded the eating space and began screaming for shakes and ice cream and knocking over sodas and spilling crap everywhere. as i am a fairly mild mannered individual, i handled myself with grace and compassion, and i did not defenistrate the miscreants (an act of great self restraint). after our meal was finished, we made our way to the cashier to complete our transaction and get the hell out of dodge, so to speak. i don't know if the lines actually move as slowly as they feel, or if time seems to stand still the way it does when you're getting a root canal without novacain. that's when we made our last mistake.... we asked to buy a roll of quarters in order to do some laundry. we were directed to the customer service counter. at the service counter, we waited patiently for another 15 minutes while the inept customer service rep dicked the dog behind the counter (dicking the dog is a military expression for wasting time) and the same crew of unruley children heckled each other and us. when we got to the counter, we discovered that our direction was erronious (how the hell do you spell that?) and in fact we needed to go to the csm booth. finally.... after a 10 minute task of buying an alarm clock turned in to a 90 minute ordeal involving near retarded employees, poorly parented children, a nasty cheeseburger, and getting a roll of quarters from 3 different people was over, we headed to the parking lot, defeated, empty shells of what we once were.

lessons to be learned:
1. shop at walmart only if your life is on the line
2. shop at walmart only at 1am, when bastard children are sleeping
3. fast food and cut rate retail is never a good idea
4. "dicking the dog" is a perfectly normal expression that should be used at least once a day (but should never be confused with fucking the dog, which is just gross)

ps. i'm sorry for the language mrs. white, but the severety of some points can only be illustrated with colorful language
posted by John Hosford 11:05 AM

Tuesday, February 06, 2001

ooooh.....

romantic interlude planned for this evening.... mayhaps a precursor to my evening in napa on valentine's day??? lucky me. just wanted to say hello

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!

more on that later this week.

in case anyone forgot.... josh is the man.
and in the words of cypress hill..... "A to the motha fookin KAY home boy.... A to the motha fookin KAY!!!!"

take it easy people.

jonno
posted by John Hosford 10:23 PM

Monday, January 29, 2001

i am continually perplexed by the airlines and how they come up with their pricing schemes. i can fly directly to chicago from oakland through either united or southwest for about 350 bucks. if i stop in arizona and denver, with america west, the ticket goes to 400. i am not eager to take off and land 6 times between here and there... as most plane crashes occure on takeoff and landing. nor am i eager to spend an entire day in airports and on planes, although the airlines seem to think of this as a treat, as they want to charge me more. i had another revelation during my quest to purchase the lowest fair possible.... cheap tickets.... travelocity.... discount tickets..... all the same.... all the same as calling on the phone, too, but without the inconvenience of flirting with the sales girl in a sheisty attempt to finnagle a reduced price. this is jonno, the savvy traveler, signing off
posted by John Hosford 10:30 AM

Thursday, January 25, 2001

I know, I know... i've been slacking.

my readership is doomed if i don't make a more concerted effort. a tree was blown over by the wind today, and as i am at the end of the road less travelled, i have no way to leave work until the road crew removes the fallen tree. you know, i never understood how "felled" is supposed to be used. is a felled tree a tree that has fallen due to unnatural circumstances (i.e. axe wielding lumberjacks)? or is felled the applicable word for all uprooted vegitation? the older i get, the greater the realization that my mastery of the english language is not what i had i once thought.

married life is suiting me wonderfully. i love waking up next to the same person every day. morning breath and all, she is the most beautiful creature i can imagine. strangely, i have a sinking feeling that the rug is about to be pulled out from under me. livin it up while i can.

bossman is crackin down... so i have to sign off.

peace be with me, and also with you. or something

jonno
posted by John Hosford 1:54 PM

Thursday, January 11, 2001

thursday, the aftermath.

My second hockey game was over at 11 last night. I was pasted pretty so severely that my back is now misaligned. i wish i could say that feel alive and invigorated, but the thundering hoards convened at my appartment last night at midnight... as i was trying to go to sleep so that i may wake up at 430am and feel at least a little rested. As it turns out, things did not work out in my favor.

Today i am in san fransisco at a very large military base learning the ins and outs of fixed asset management. i don't manage any assets, fixed or otherwise, so i'm not sure what exactly i'm doing here. such is the way of the guard.

I am flying down to the motherland on the 26th of this month to celebrate mike's birthday. woo hoo. davey and eddie and the other davey.... doin it up.

gotta go

class is back on
posted by John Hosford 12:41 PM