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::please note: I have been offline since 4.27.01 Posts made as possible::
Anyway, if I'm around even less for the next couple days/week, don't panic, it's just the dust settling...the details will come eventually. take care all... Thanks! Me, Myself, and I Anyway, just the quickest of entries...wanted to catch everyone up since it's been awhile since I've had time online. Luckily, my friend Joolo is patient enough to allow me my internet junkie fix. *lol* (just barely) Hee hee. So...anyone seeing him around, thank him for the fact I'm here at all! :) Take care everyone and hope things are better with you then they are with me! frustrated...poor...and entering another deep blue funk...I am just so utterly and completly beyond poor that I'm at a point where I just don't know what to do anymore...and it makes me want to just curl up and sleep...it's just that I'm at a point where no mater what I do, it's not enough...and yet, I can't even find something that is a START...gr... The work situation is so horrible, no one is interested...I actually have an interview like 1 1/2 hours (commute time) away tomorrow and it's for like no pay and I don't want to do it but...what the hell can I do, you know? I'm sooooo bummed out... (And I didn't even get to go to the beach the other night to relax and recharge like I had planned! Grr) My big problem is that I stil have a sense of moral decency...ie: I won't do something that I can not accept normally for myself. like I won't go strip or something. (I don't see it as "wrong" just that it's not something I could do you understand?) Another problem is, where I am staying at my sister's nothing is "local"...everything is like 30-40 miles away and I just can't afford the gas...damn mustang is not the most fuel efficent...plus my license is a year + expired and I have no insurance...grr...it's dangerous and scares me to drive these days. A LOT. So I'm stuck. And I don't know what the fuck to do... Superman I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane Wish that I could cry It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive Up, up and away…away from me I can’t stand to fly I’m only a man in a silly red sheet It’s not easy to be me. I'm spooked over the brief contact this "male" spirit/ghost/energy made with me tonight. We walked though the woods to the cemetary (she's out in the middle of nowhere) and that was fine....but then we came back and started the search for the missing necklace...so I'm standing there, at the edge of the pavement, looking into the woods we crossed through, and it's really quite. Next thing I know, I just hear a word on the wind - in my ears, but more in my head... I think it said... "who...?" like as in "who the hell are you?" but, then my friend joolo and another friend came walking up.... ...poof it was gone.... ...but it's like I can still almost feel it...I hear shit all the time - I actually Listen to too much - but, this was different...it was SO clear. it was a totally different voice, not just something that I translated into a voice in my head...but it was not in the cemetary, it was at the edge of the woods. The cemetary itself was quite. (but it buzzed with hiding energies) Most times when I pick up on something, it's not so much a "real" voice as much as it is something that I make into something that's understandable mundanly - ie: a voice. but this was a voice on the winds....it spoke of it's own power - not my own...I just can hear that type of thing so I did... And I feel weird. Jittery. Fluttery on the inside. And my thoughts go back to that brief moment. I don't know. It's just weird. And I feel just ...off...somehow. Miserable and frustrated and sick of being everyone's whipping toy... *sigh* That's it. no mood for typing. Actual post hopefully soon (pending when I can get online) Things have been....up and down; in and out; here and there...just those days when you are happy for the good and try your best at trudging through the worst. Had an interview for a Customer Service job that would pay eh....at least more then nothing, and would be secondshift (4pm-12:30am) leaving my days open for REAL interviews, but is very far away...problem is, EVERYTHING is far away. There just are no large companies in the area - there are no real employeers beyond retail. And retail just would take my days away from hope of real employment and would fail to provide enough money for even one car payment after a month's work...in short, it's a matter of being far too little outcome for far too much input. So, Monday morning 7:30am I had to be about 45 miles away from my sister's house. I was tired (having been up until 3:00am while hanging out with a friend and his friend - more on this later) and slightly lost. Not so much lost as I was confused I should say. I knew where the building was (it was just down the street from where I lived a couple years ago), but I did not know that you had to take another street to get to an access road to get to the building. (you don't go in the front, you go in from the back). So, as I pass the building and head down to the next intersection to turn around, I come to a right-hand yeild. Slow down, stop, car in front of me starts to go. I turn, look, see it's clear for me as well and turn back to accelerate. Guess what? The car in infront of me decided apparently that several cars length was not enough room and they decided to stay. Road were wet from the continuing rain and so hitting my brakes was not enough. BUMP I hit her from behind. Now a reminder for those of you who do not see the seriousness of this, let me give you two facts. One, my license expired in May 2000. No, that's not a typo, I mean it expired over a year ago. (why have I not had it renewed? simple. I need glasses and can not pass the vision test thing with both eyes and until I have a couple hundred bucks for an exam and glasses, it remains expired.). Second, sometime in May of this year, my insurance got cancelled. Not for anything interesting...just a lack of money to pay the premium. So, let's put this all together. No license, no insurance, rear-ended accident (which is faulted to the person behind in Florida no matter what). Uh-huh. This was bad. At this point I was trembling and also late for the interview (and still unsure how to find the damn entrance). The lady I hit was psycho. Wanted to see my license and registration and all sorts of stuff. Of course I couldn't show her the license since it's expired. Showed her the registration instead which has the license number on it...good enough. Problem is that I knew I was screwed for her filing a claim. (which, let me just say right now is a bitterment of it's own since the ONLY thing that happened was some of the black leather of the car's bra scuffed off on her bumper. THAT'S IT. Keep this in mind). So I ask her if there's anyway she could get an estimate and I could pay her out of pocket so that I don't have to suffer an increase in my premium. She says sure. Gets back with me a couple hours later and tells me the whole bumper needs to be replaced and it's $542. Oh fuck. It's about this point I realize that I just can not deal with one more thing wrong like this in my life. If I can't pay her the $542, she'll try to claim it on insurance that doesn't exist and that will lead to a police report and then my possible arrest for fraud or some such evil thing. Enter the white-knight of my Love who told me not to worry about it and who promptly took over the details...he arranged to borrow the money, called her with the payment arrangements, and generally has taken it all off my shoulders. I know I'm being royally screwed over, but lacking insurance to use as an option (they'd laugh and pay her like $100 for a buff-out) I've got to pay it. If it were not for my Love taking over this for me, I think I would have just lost it...nervous breakdown was definatly hovering in the wings... So, I ended up being 30 minutes late to the interview, but it went ok as a lame job interview goes...they require pre-employment drug screening (something I normally rage against - hello? I have to PROVE I'm innocent of being a drug user? Doesn't that go against the fundamental right of "Innocent until proven guilty beyond shadow of a reasonable doubt?" Yeah, slightly. Fuckers. I've never done drugs a day in my life and I resent the fact I have to PROVE that or be considered guilty). Anyway...seeing as they made me do the drug screening means that I know they'll be hiring me. Not that I'm excited about it - it's sucky CSR work - but, hey it's money. I should hear something within seven days they said. (takes that long for the results) Now...for some other things taking up my time...hung out two days this week with my friend Joolo and a friend of his I will simply call the witch. (I respect her privacy and her wish to remain private). It was only the second and third time I've met her and it was both weird and yet sorta fun. The other day (Tuesday), we played several "games" including one in which a person draws an image and tries to "send" it to the others who in turn, must draw it themselves. Did pretty good with the witch herself (seems we're on a similar wavelength or something), and decent overall. Seems I am more of a telepathic receiver then I thought (did not know I could do this at all until now) and it excites me to see if I can develop it further and possibly even into the sending side...) Additionally, she decided to see if I had any psychometry talent. For those who don't know what this is, psychometry is where a person can hold an object and "read" the energies of it to tell about who owned it or what purpose it was used, etc. In my test, she gave me a journal-type book. I was able to get quite a bit - all of it correct - and that was really neat since again, it was not something I had ever tried before, let alone thought I could do. We only got to do it once though since we were interrupted by a minor emergancy. So, jury's out still if it's a true psychometry talent or I just picked up what the witch knew about the book from her... (seeing as I already discovered I was pretty good at reading her directed thoughts). It was fun and I'm glad we went...the other cool thing is that she's a medium herself and this is good since I've never met another in real life and it's the one talent I've tried to surpress but..well..I need to better understand it. Back to mundane things...sleeping weird, still not eating (no money, no food, no eating) and feeling the burdens of it all very harshly. Taking it out on those around me I've noticed and I don't mean to. It's just that when you have to sit in silence and suffer through it alone so much, that when you are finally around someone, you can't help but have it bubble out...The depression and isolation I feel over knowing I have $5 left to my name and all the silly things I can not buy (and the not-so-silly like water or food) gets so overwhelming that I just cry. On top of it all, I still have to deal with the bitching and hostility of my family...my sister and mother continue to try to run my life by badgering and open insult...things like how "stupid" I am...how it's bad to consider a job that's a commute when I could work so much harder for half the pay locally...trying to force their ideas and views of the world on me when they live in a totally different world then I do...they don't know what it is I do let alone what it means to be me. They exist at a level that I passed as a teenager and so can not see how things have to be done in the work I do...example...while it may work to walk onto a construction site and ask for work, it does not work as such when one is working with executive/senior management of companies. Just not the same. And while I certainly understand the need for something short-term (hense the CSR job I'm trying to get), they fail to accept that interviews ONLY happen during the day...some job at wal-mart will just keep me from getting a job. *sigh* Anyway, I'm just spinning circles of converstation I already have said a million times before. Of course, each time was on deaf ears... Long entry...scratching the surface of my life lately...the hightlights as they were (although I always though highlights were positive points, but mine are equally as negative). Perhaps I can post again a more cohesive entry within the next couple of days...the only reason this is being posted at all is for the kindness of using Joolo's pc and internet account. Have I mentioned lately how much I miss being online? *humpf* This time for real...I'm going to close. Babbling anyway. More as I can...take care... Bemused This is, myself at this time in a nutshell... *sighs and stares at nothing some more* It's just that there's not much going on that I feel like commiting to the journal. This week has been annoying on the homefront side - my mom and sister continue to harrass me on a daily basis about things that are (quite frankly) none of their fucking buisness. It's truly agravating when peons try to run the kingdom...they simply can not undertand my life or what it entails. They think on such small and meager terms that they can not see the picture as I see it...therefore they can not understand how it is that I operate. To them, it's simply a matter of why do I not submit to their will and take a job they deem worthy...they fail to see that grueling physical labor is beyond my physical body's ability but rather see me employeed and with torn muscles, the unemployed and healthy. In this, their sense of right and wrong are so deeply corrupted to the core I can not tolerate even listening to them any longer... *sigh* And you wonder why I do not post in days...it is things like this that fill my days... On a brigher note, I continue to see small improvements in my non-mundane awareness and that pleases me. Even though there is not much I am activly "learning" just focusing on being Aware and maintaining positive strides forward, things are just more "there" for me...it's definatly encouraging...additionally, I slept WONDERFULLY the last two nights for the first time in years...it's just so splendid to wake up and feel like sleep was a useful thing instead of a bitter thing... Anyway, that's the long and short of it. So sayeth M. Well....that is if you count burgandy as red and dammit, I do! *lol* So, I did it. Bought some PERM dye and made my hair the color that I temp dyed it last time. I did it all by myself. But MAN the perm stuff SMELLS! The temp stuff didn't have any scent, but...whew! the perm was nasty. And, oh, the 25 minute wait! Seemed like forever. But! It's done. And it looks like it worked! (it's now dark out and there's not really enough light to truly see it, but enough to get an idea.) So...using my sister's webcam, I snapped a shot. The color is weird since the webcam has color problems, but it's a look anyway! Hee hee! I'm a red head! *giggles and giggles some more* Things are odd for me right now. Everything is in a state of perpetual almost-motion. That state where things are just waking, just opening, or just starting to grow...the edge of the drop on the roller coaster; the brief second before breaking the water's surface on a dive; or that first, hesitant kiss of a loved one...soft, warm, scary and yet roaring motion all the same. No, it's not that anything really is happening in the day-to-day, but I'm coming to a point where I find myself growing and expanding - finally - like waking from a long, long sleep. I'm gliding down a path towards my self...my personal and spiritual acceptance and enlightenment. I am finally piecing all the clues and warnings together in the physical reality and welcoming the embrace of it's meanings. I'm finally on the road to where I need to be. Where I'm supposed to go. Where It's meant for me to touch. My life has been spent in a daze of disillusionment and disenchantment. Bowing down under my own struggles and hatred of myself and life in general. Piling on layer after layer of hatred, doubt, and anger. Yes, part of me still knows the sorrow and hostility inherent in this life, but.... I'm starting to understand that it need not be that way. That there's more to it then that. I am here and that means something. To me, to you, to anyone or everyone. It matters not. What does, is that it's a good thing. Self-acceptance and celebration for not only who and what I am now, but for what I can direct myself to be. It's up to me. It always has been. I just raged against it and such, suffered for my forced blindness. Life is still hard. Bills still need to be paid. Loves still need to be worked on. Trouble still pokes it's head in my daily dealing, but it does not control me. There are burdens to be carried, but those can be dealt with more and more readily as I continue moving forward. No more stagnating or retreating. I've done that game for two dozen years. Now's the time to grow...to fly...to reach out and learn. The rest will fall into place. Life can't beat me down if I rise above it. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes being buried to see that. *soft smile* I recently snagged some skittles from my friend. BUT, instead of avoiding the nasty green "lime" ones, I see this package says they're special green apple ones. So, I try one. DAMN THEY ARE GOOD! so, the problem is, that unless enough people vote to keep them, we'll lose this yummy goodness. So, I impore you.... click this and pick the apple!! Please!!! *now returning you to the regularly scheduled blog* I have nothing right now to say. Only posting this so everyone knows I'm alive. Feel like crap. All numb and yet sore at the same time. Migraine is in like day 5 and I'm so miserable from feeling this way. Oh what a tangled web we weave.....for some reason, I keep getting thoughts of webs today patterns around...and there's a problem somewhere causing this feeling a "tangle" in the web... (no, not the www) plus fitful sleep...interruptions, and dreams that just almost seemed to make sense only to be ripped away from me and left with no idea what I was reaching for. Sucks. Maybe something of importance tomorrow. For now, blah. I'm so miserable for no real reason. Tired, drained, and sore. *sighs* Ok, let's backtrack and overview the recent events and I'll tell you why I had to pass on the opportunity afterall (even though I didn't want to)... The Past After some funk time, I went about looking for a job. As you may have noticed, the economy is on the downslide and right now, most places are laying off, not hiring. Meanwhile, my monthly bills kept piling up as well as the final bills/costs from the apartment. I also was still in the process of completing the last of my treatment for my anemia (getting blood work and follow up labs to ensure that the pluses were going to "stick") and needed to pay almost $200/month to keep my health insurance active. So, I had to turn to borrowing money from family, friends, and pretty much everyone I knew just to get the barest minimum of things kept up with. But, I wasn't truly staying out of the red and I actually kept sliding further south since I was "robbing Peter to pay Paul" as they say. Additionally, many of the bills coming due were ones that were left over from the apt as I said, but not in my name. I had some credit issues from a few years back and therefore had all the utilities in someone else's name (such as the phone in my mother's and the power in my step father's). This is the key. The common misconception is that my debts are all credit-card based and therefore, something like debt management would help. Nope. (The only bill that's a "loan" is my car payment and I can't do anything but try to pay it as best I can.) Which means, I can't just NOT pay them or do anything to alleviate them short of paying them! To date, I am almost three payments behind on my car (owing May, June, and shortly July) which leaves me just barely ahead of repossession (at three, they consider me defaulted), still owing back moneys that I borrowed to keep from defaulting to this point, to keep my medical insurance (but not my car insurance!) active to cover the bills, to pay for gas, food, and all those necessities of life. But, I've not paid back any of those bills in other people's names (helping ruin their credit ontop of my own), nor my current bills (pesky things like those car payments, car insurance, and such), nor most of those "necessities of life" like food. I've been so poor that shampoo has been a luxury. Were it not for my mom and my friends feeling bad and feeding me at least once or twice a week, I'd have starved to death by now. (and considering I'm tiny - was about 113lbs at the start of this - and am now about 102, it's not an exaggeration). Then I get this call for a company in Tampa. My first interview was May 15th. I remember the specifics since it was the day before my birthday. The interviewing process went on for over a month and ended up with a negative return. (meanwhile, very few other calls came in and NO interviews). They mentioned something about having another office that might need me, and I expected that was that. The Present At first, it was good. A brief scan of the paper and online ads showed TONS of apartments at about $300-400/month. The bad thing was that I didn't know until I really spent time there exploring the realities of the area, that those places were dorms and/or other student-only living. I'm no student and besides, I refuse to live in that kind of chaotic (and unsafe!) environment and therefore sought out the more "professional" or "family" communities that I've always lived in. To my surprise, it turned out they were more then double the cost of the dorms! AND, were as much as $250 more a month then what I was paying before! It was in no way cheaper to live there! It was MUCH more money! Now, I was faced with the staggering realization that in order to move, I'd need to take a second job just to pay the NEW bills - monthly costs I don't have right now like rent, electric, water, etc. My single income was not enough to cover those costs and (here's the key) would never allow me to catch up on the over three thousand I am already back! I tried to continue moving forward with the move away (for about three days) ignoring the facts, but realized as I faced more and more fees to even get started, that I just did not have the money to do it. I ran the logical, rational numbers over and over in my head, looking for something - anything! - that would make it work. In the end, I realized there was nothing that I could do. But I was so torn! Here was this great company who was really cool, willing to be really accommodating, and that was offering a really great (besides pay) opportunity. Damn if I didn't want to make it work!! So. We are at July 3rd. I spent the whole day in tears as I gave up my self denial and truly accepted that the apartment application I held in my hand was not something I really could (financially) do. The rent alone would be over half my income a month and that's pending they'd even accept me with my credit so in shambles. (can you say "charge-offs?" I knew that you could!) I called pretty much everyone I knew I could talk to (at least could reach for sure at 2pm in the afternoon) and explained it out, begging for them to point out something I had missed. No one could. Everyone comforted me and agreed that my hands truly were tied. I gathered my things and finished my day, snagging my boss at the last minute to explain to him what I had come to realize. He would not take no for an answer. He asked me to please not make any rush decisions. To enjoy the 4th, go home (as was my plan), and we'd talk with HR on Thursday. He all but made me promise to be there in the morning when he arrived. Dismayed and still panicked I was making the wrong decision, I agreed I drove home that night with a full head. Nothing seemed sure anymore. I was having second doubts and was clinging to the hope that "something" could be worked out. I knew though, logically that the only way I could afford the move would be if I could continue to live free of new expenses for at least two months. (to dedicate all my money to catching up so I could afford to tack on new bills). In my heart though, I wanted it to work so badly that I allowed myself to be fooled that it would all just be ok. Spent the whole time fluctuating between staying (and cutting my loses - I had just enough money left to me to either make it there and back on gas and nothing else) or giving it that final shot to see if anything could be done. I knew the odds were so low - afterall, it's not like companies pay for people's living for months on end all the time - but I still wanted to hope. It was not until almost 10pm July 4th that I made up my mind to "do the right thing" and at least go back up. They had been so kind and I felt I owed them nothing short of the moral high ground. I owed it to them to at least finalize what was to come (be it stay or be it go) in person. I also selfishly though that I would get another day's pay at least and it would help offset the costs of the constant trips. Facing a 2 1/2 hour drive and the gas tank eating my money for probably nothing, I left. Got into Gainesville at about 12:40am. Found out that the hotel they moved me to closed at 11pm. Long and short of it was it was well after 1:30am before I checked in and was settled. Did not even sleep until 4:30am and then fitfully. Alarm went off and I had a horrible headache, so knowing it probably didn't matter anyway, I called in and left a message for my boss saying I'd be late due to the lateness of my checking in. (blaming it on car trouble, not my indecision to even make the drive). Got in about 11am (instead of 9am) and he called me in almost immediately. Found myself trembling, wondering why I came back, just KNOWING that it wouldn't matter. He asked what I had thought about and admitted to being surprised to see me. He had thought I was gone for good. (to be honest, so had I!) Went and saw the HR lady directly after. See, I had gone back clinging to his words from Tuesday, "I don't know what we can do, but let's see if we can on Thursday." When I saw her, the set of her face, the feel from her body and the way she briskly asked me what was wrong, I knew there was no such final offer of trying to make it work. It was all formalities to me leaving. She listened impatiently, dismissed outright the suggestion I made of working in the Tampa office temporarily to save money to move. Then she told me in a voice of ice that, "{I} should just go home then." I was heartbroken and barely heard her as she told me to leave now, check out of the hotel and that that was that. Numbly, I left. Drove back again the way I had just come not 12 hours before. Knowing I could not face showing up at my sister's house and hearing those evil words she'd say (it was stupid to even try....what a failure...what a waste...stupid idea to begin with...I knew it was a bad idea...) I came to a friend's in Tampa where I type this now. After this posts, I head back to try to explain to my mother what I've laid out here, hoping to show her that it was not stupid, that I am not a failure (though I feel one), and that I did everything I could to do what was right. Then I crawl back to her house again. The Future But. I do not think the chance was a wrong one. Nor do I think I was foolish for trying to make it work. I truly believe that sometimes in life you have to gamble and by it's very definition, there is no guarantee of winning when you take risk. I come out of it with more knowledge and a better understanding of what I need to do in the here and now (not the maybe or hoping). More then anything, I'm learning that it's ok to not be perfect. That mistakes are only failures when you don't learn from them. Beyond Until again... |
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