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Monday, September 17, 2001
1:30 AM
My wedding anniversary was Saturday. Nothing went as it should have. On top of it all, I had a bit of a nervous breakdown.
The overwhelming feeling has evolved into a kind of fear that is blown up larger than life. Death is all around us and my constant worry and fear of it is rearing it's ugly head with hurricane force. The immediate shock has worn off. I am not as distracted with moving deadlines and demands. I have had a whole lot of exposure to the media because we have done little aside from watching television, discussing the unknown, and worrying about what comes next. This has become increasingly difficult for me to handle. I didn't really realize how much until Saturday. I understand that showing fear shows weakness. I cannot claim to be anything other than what I am. I have lived pretty much oblivious and sheltered by choice over the last several years. I am sure that I intentionally hide from the world because somewhere in my mind I have enough sense to know that mentally and emotionally I am pretty much tapped out for this particular lifetime. I can't handle most of what goes on so I allow myself to see and comprehend only things I feel I can handle. I cannot hide any more, there seems to be nowhere to hide. No safe place. I don't trust that everything is just going to be handled. This is why I can't seem to keep my shit together this weekend.
The fact that these people were not stopped and are expectedly in large numbers still among us, some of which seem to be living uncomfortably close to me, whose leader seems to be anitcipating our every move, and is waiting to make their next move makes me literally feel like I could puke and faint in that order, over and over again, pretty much hourly over the last few days and it probably won't go away during the entire course of this whole thing.
Saturday, I I had some sort of anxiety attack like I cannot possibly describe over being in a van headed for a mall in a city. I could not control my crying, I could not breathe and my vision even became blurry. I don't know what to do about it. I have a very strong urge to hide at home which isn't even very comforting. I can't lie to my children and tell them they are safe when in fact they very well may not be. I cannot think about the near or distant future without crying because I am afraid for them. I am afraid for everyone. I am having trouble feeling confident in anything right now. I know that is a pretty piss poor attitude to have, but at least I am being honest. If I knew how to fix my state of mind I would. Hence, I am writing it all down in hopes that it may help.
I keep trying hard to focus on something else. Between the household budget, my new resolution to return to more disciplined eating habits due to my sudden and dreadful fluctuating weight, and getting back to trying to teach my children something besides what horrible things they are learning this week I managed to keep my composure today. Even then daily grind of life feels so trivial and unimportant with the shadow of impending doom lurking in my gut. I really wish like hell we didn't have to watch CNN and local news coverage every waking hour of the freaking day, but I can't seem to pull the monkey away from it for any length of time. I am exhausted as it is now stupid o'clock and thinking about all of this seems to amplify the tired feeling.
Thursday, September 13, 2001
11:33 AM
It has been a sad and strange week. I don't really know what to say about all of it except that it is overwhelming. Last night I watched CNN as some of the known flight passengers names, professions, ages and home towns scrolled across the bottom of the screen. I noticed that the plane that crashed in Pittsburgh carried a two little girls, a two year old and a four year old. I am horrified at the huge amounts of people who were killed and are missing but I am especially haunted by that. I can't explain why because I know that there were probably a lot of children that were killled during all of this. Maybe it is because I look at my own two and four year old girls and think about what it must have been like for them and for their parents.To see the names of those two little girls who were most likely completely confused and frightened and oblivious as to what was going on or why minutes before their little lives were gone is just horrible.
Sunday, September 09, 2001
9:41 PM
Today my little man is eight. Thoughts of his birth keep flashing back in my mind. He was so tiny. I was so young. It was the start of a very beautiful relationship.
To my Logan: I love you more than life itself. I wish I could relive each and every moment of our precious time together. I wish I could capture each and every funny moment, each and every hug, each and every smile and keep it close to my heart forever. If you ever stumble across my ramblings when I am old and insane and wearing my bra on the outside of my shirt, know that you are one of my greatest gifts. Each and every minute you grow older I grow more proud of you, more amazed by you...more in love with your sparkling eyes and contageous smile. Happy 8th Birthday to my very first little baby boy :)
Monday, September 03, 2001
7:35 PM
Everybody say it with me...awwwwwwwwwww :) Who says dogs are man's best friends? They obviously haven't met Curtis!
5:57 PM
We are still here....
We didn't get to move in on Saturday because I didn't read the fine print (that was huge and highlighted in flouresent yellow) carefully enough to see that I couldn't pay the move in costs with a personal check (which is retarded because that is what I used to pay the application fee and deposit) and the banks were already closed for the holiday weekend. So, nothing gets started until tomorrow.
Today the boys went to a Marlins game. We girls spent the evening consuming mass quantities of turtle brownies, vanilla icecream, and honey vanilla chamomile tea. Then the girls took a bubble bath accompanied by blaring kids songs and now we are watching Blue's Big Musical. I got lots of Rockin' Mom points today!
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