astrologerprincess@chickmail.com

tuesday, october 24 Its been years and years of indecision, years of being small and left out and now finally it has all arrived, however tenuously. Battling with scars and still struggling to see your own beauty or maybe just master the art of not looking too deeply, maybe this is the only way to arrive? You imagine other circumstances, other people, and they gnaw away at your belief in what you can do. But one day you look up and they've slipped away, they've lost their hold on you, and whatsmore you've already buried them without even realising it. nothing more. but the difference is like uttering a strange word you've only ever seen written, unsure of how to pronounce it, and when it comes out right you want to shout it to the heavens. 4:03 PM [ ] friday, june 9 maybe we're all struggling. and the future is always going to be a bunch of constraints and a path you have to hack your way through to create Everyone I ask feels the same. Everyone is the same. Why do we push each other away and insist on being so different? 12:19 PM [ ] Are you sure of what you want to do? Life is a terrible burden when you don't know what to do with it. M thinks I should go back to study. Maybe she's right. I did it all wrong the first time. I can go back and do things better. Everytime I walk through the campus I feel sad. It shouldn't be like that. Those are the days I should remember and smile. But it was all so hard and awkward and there were so many things I didn't do, I only ever feel bitter. Maybe I should go back and do it all again. I'm afraid it will be the same. I'm afraid I will waste my time and lose my head start. I shouldn't be afraid, but it's too difficult to jump sometimes and I prefer to huddle. 11:32 AM [ ] friday, may 19 sometimes it is impossible to think or feel or even just be. 2:42 PM [ ] friday, may 5 when is there an end to mistaken judgements? when can you ever finally say "I know this person" and not be wrong about them? and what does it take to know a person? I have so much I wanted to say but no time. today is full. today the world ends and begins anew. 10:48 AM [ ] tuesday, may 2 the world has shrunk and threatens to suffocate me. there were a thousand things i was supposed to do and I am here again, sunken, wanting 5 o clock to arrive. i haven't organised anything. i have to give a training course tomorrow and i haven't run through it or anything and i'm hardly going to feel like doing it tonight. yet i got up at 10 today and I've done nothing all day but clean out my mail and shuffle around folders on my desk... 4:35 PM [ ] friday, april 28 According to my stars , "Emotional liberation is nigh! ". yes. well. wouldn't it be nice if starsigns were accurate. I've managed to acquire an afterhours key. Til monday. My plan is to just not give it back until they ask. Then I'll say ooooh i'm terribly sorry, I forgot... I was supposed to dress up and look gorgeous for this dinner and I simply cannot be bothered. Who'll be there anyway? I think I'll just be rude to everyone while still managing to smile. I don't think I've managed to pull that one off before. Usually when I'm rude I forget to smile. I found that parking permit. The one I was incredibly stressed about having lost. It was right there, stuck between two cds I had taken out of my bag. It's true what I used to say. Don't bother looking for things, they just turn up eventually. Always infuriated my mother. 3:16 PM [ ] better dragged myself out to lunch. wish I'd done that earlier. ran into one of the black holes and tried to be amicable. I think I pulled it off ok. I don't care all that much. I'll organise this training stuff, get myself a key to the building for the weekend and then I'm outta here.. 2:10 PM [ ] i'm useless today. my brain buried in fog and steadfastly refusing to function. I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home i feel lousy, completely lousy, completely unmotivated, crap, uninspired, unmoving, impotent. I have become so introverted my insides hurt and my priorities are falling away around me. soon I will be broke, without a job, no clean clothes to wear, nothing to eat, I will have forgotten or lost eveyrthing important to me and the people I used to call - precious few though they are - will have moved away and forgotten my name. I'm not happy with my directory name. I'm not happy with anything. I'm not happy. Last night I lost the parking permit I paid $40 for and it was absolutely the last straw. I went psycho and could not stop crying and things have gone downhill since then. last night I dreamt of A and his inability to hug. And I remembered how N used to hug, possessively, as though hhe were slowly absorbing my soul the longer he held onto me and eventually he did, syphon out my entire soul and I remembered how he laughed when I told him I wasn't doing too badly, for a human cavity. bastard is not the word. I don't want to ring j and I'm dreading it and even though I know she's getting what was coming to her I absolutely cannot find it in my heart to forgive her. let alone help her. and I tell myself she wouldn't appreciate my help anyway and I'm destined to be burnt if I so much as make an effort. but I'm faced with the question of whether people can change, given exemplary behaviour. It's another thing I lost faith in, but it bothers me, that I might be wrong or too cynical or not openminded enough. It doesn't matter. I want to hide this entire weekend but millions of things are happening to drag me out and they're not going to leave me alone. I'm tempted to take half the day off and sleep. But what good will sleep do? I'm not tired. It's probably better that I sit here lamely pretending to work. 11:44 AM [ ] thursday, april 27 there is nothing to report. as they say. back at work and I'm dragging myself wearily through the day like a snail halfway across a driveway with miles and miles of grey concrete stretching out ahead.. 1:28 PM [ ] tuesday, april 25 tonight all my aspirations seem tangible. a few days off work and I can rearrange the furniture and that always means I'm getting the contents of my head together. Nobody's calling on the phone, it's incredibly liberating. I'm starting to imagine I can do things again, like before the household splintered and we all went our separate ways and I had dreams of moving out and getting my own place and inviting people round for drinks and videos. Now there's no one to invite, so those plans dwindled somewhat but I'm obviously making progress because I'm rearranging the furniture. I've arranged the couches around the tv. It looks a lot more inviting, as opposed to the ridiculous way they were all spread around the room before. Maybe that means I'll spend more time over here. anyway it's been good; mum and I went out for coffee, in the supermarket no less, but in these days of perpetual public holidays it's no mean feat I think to find somewhere open. so tomorrow I need to: - go to work and sort out my files (oh god it's such a mess I don't know whether I can do it in a day but I'll try, and I'll also try and refrain from singing in the office, as I'm sure it will be incredibly embarrassing when someone walks in - as they ultimately will) - clean my desk draws out - redecorate around here. it's incredibly bland and lacking a woman's touch. my dad's slowly but surely turning back into a bachelor that's all really. It's my last day off. I could really handle a few more days off. God knows I'll get more than enough in May when I have my knee operation, but of course I won't be able to move. and one last thing: there are whole days when I don't think about him, or them, and I can almost imagine seeing them again without wanting to dissolve into a pile of emotional rubble and bawl. So when I do see them, I won't even have to pretend. And I think it's permanent. I'm ready to find out. 12:46 AM [ ] saturday, april 22 I want to smile into the dark. I can't brave the cold to go outside and anything I wear when I do will be ridiculous. I wasn't satisfied by summer. All those months in an airconditioned building robbed me of a tan and a sense of the season having run its course; now I'm cold again. Like last year, when my soul had been ripped out and my heart blackened, no matter how many clothes I wore my insides were frozen and I was always shivering. In some ways I only got better because the sun came out. If it had been the middle of winter, or now, I may have just curled up and allowed myself to die. 7:36 PM [ ] thursday, april 20 Nothing is interesting today. It's a bleak, dull, lifeless day barely past the middle of the week and I've eaten all my chocolate easter eggs. MSG soup for lunch again, soon I'll glow in the dark. 2:58 PM [ ] My ex once told me: "you're so self absorbed you're about to turn inside out" I hated him. But here I am. Inside-out girl. I like to think he was wrong about a lot of things. 2:18 PM [ ] Maybe what I suspected is true; that women are no longer emotional. That women are not what they used to be. [were they ever?] That women are becoming like men. That I am one of the last true women. 1:33 AM [ ] One of the great myths of our time is that men can be content with one woman. Women don't realise that the man they love can love them back with equal or even greater magnitude, and still want to screw other women. It's nobody's fault. It's just the way things are. We defy augury. 1:28 AM [ ] A says he doesn't trust women, doesn't think he ever can. He says he's grown cynical, that women are fickle, that they can't tell right from wrong in their own minds. [did he say 'women' or did he say 'girls'?] I just think he's never been emotionally involved. He's one of the few men who reach the outer boundaries of sexual endeavour and wonder if there isn't something else out there they've been missing. They sense the void, but don't know how to fill it up. how can I tell him I know what the void is and I know what it is he's searching for? 'introduce me' he says, as though I know a million of these people; just because I know what I'm looking for, doesn't mean I know where to find it. 1:21 AM [ ] tuesday, april 18 There is no point really in being angry. I slept incredibly well last night, took half a mg of clonazepam and slipped into a dreamless solid sleep that spared me the tears and gut-wrenching agony of having to think or wonder or even feel. I knew it would work. But I remember saying I would never take that stuff again unless I was as bad as before and there was absolutely no other way. Still, it's worked hasn't it? And I don't need anymore tonight. I was exhausted, yesterday, from being angry. Today I realised how much more effective it is to be articulate rather than angry. The majority of the population don't want conflict, confrontation, anything that makes them uncomfortable. My own friends - would exclude me rather than face any of these. It's not because they're malicious. It's just that they're weak, and they need to be that way to protect themselves. I, on the other hand, savour conflict and confrontation. I am driven by the emotional energy of the people around me. I would never dream of avoiding or quelling it. But there is still no point, none at all, in being angry at those who prefer the void. Daylight is draining. The fluorescent lights are my signal to leave. 6:43 PM [ ] monday, april 17 today is sad and yet uplifting. desolate and yet inspiring. filled with betrayal and loss and a million incidents to puncture the soul and send it fizzling back to earth, yet in small ways filled with tiny points of light that make me look up at the sky and think it's not so bad. whatever divine powers exist will help me get through this day, and stop the tears from spilling down my face until I'm all the way home and buried beneath a doona, and the sleep of the exhausted, drug-induced or otherwise, will surely transport me into tomorrow with all scars healed, ready to face another day. [remember to tape ally] [remember to pick up oxazepam] 5:37 PM [ ] thursday, april 13 how infinitely bizarre the extent to which you can do nothing and get away with it. awful day. awful week. I just got my horoscope chart from Astrodienst . Hoping to figure out what it all means. As if astrology will ever prove anything about myself I don't already know. I think that's why people are into astrology, becasue it takes the responsibility off them to figure themselves out. Talking to people at lunch I realised I've become so hideously obsessed with what I can't do, I've even come up with these ingenious excuses...I can't function in the mornings, I can't sleep any earlier at nights, my alarm clocks don't wake me up, there's not enough time in the day, I'm not doing what I want to do. The fact is I'm not trying. I'm not trying at all. I can tell when I'm not trying. Not only do I feel like I'm a failure but I know I never even made a go of it. And what I realise more and more is its the SIMPLE things that fix my sort of problem. It isn't serious. It isn't clinical. It's just this extreme laziness that could easily be fixed by taking very simple measures. Like being organised. Writing lists. planning. routine. I make things complicated so that I don't have to face the fact that I could help myself if I tried. It's so much easier to blame the outside world, blame things you can't change, blame blame blame. anything but having to make an effort. why is that? 5:41 PM [ ] tuesday, april 11 The flowchart is not even nearly done. I stupidly promised Tania I'd finish it by this afternoon. Now I'll be stuck here no doubt until some ridiculous hour trying to finish it. I keep saying maybe tomorrow will be better. And every tomorrow arrives and every tomorrow is crap and I'm tired and I think of that Ani Difranco song Maybe you don't like your job Maybe you didn't get enough sleep Well nobody likes their job and nobody got enough sleep i can't even summon the energy to write a list of what I have to do so I can convince someone I have too much work. I don't have too much work. its all a big lie. I'm just stubborn and selective and unwilling to compromise and unable to focus on anything other than myself so my work always takes lowest priority. some days are such a joke I wonder whether I really am transparent and everybody can tell I'm just a big act. that it's all a lie. me being good at any of this stuff. Some people are so talented at mundane things. I wish I was talented at somethign like talking on the phone. That would get me places. 4:24 PM [ ] Melbourne is where everybody runs to when they've got problems they can't face. Close enough to move to without causing too much disassociation, big enough to warrant you will never be found, prosperous enough to guarantee a million justifiable reasons for moving, when will people realise: IT WILL ALL COME BACK TO YOU. YOU CAN'T RUN AND HIDE FOREVER you dumb fucks. I grew up very near melbourne. It has no mystery for me. I know it for exactly what it is - a hideous smoggy city full of cliques. I am not going to be the one to burst the bubble anymore. I promised myself I would sit back and watch and wait and listen while they all come undone. I swore I would not become part of it. It is true that I can only ever predict things when I'm not involved. Somehow my involvement fucks up the dynamics of the situation, or maybe I just can't predict my own actions, whatever the case it blows up in my face and I AM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN. I pushed him away by joking about her and how they would be perfect together. I laughed when he gave me incredulous looks and shook his head. I didn't laugh when it actually happened, exactly as I'd suggested, exactly as I'd predicted a year earlier. Ah well. Its all over now. To hell with them. Everybody gets what they deserve. Which is another way of saying - You can always see what you want to see. 12:52 PM [ ] monday, april 10 forgive me for being so self-involved. Last night I saw a documentary on Socrates. I felt a strange afinity with this man who died almost two and a half thousand years before me. This man who was willing to die for his beliefs. We are the stuff of Socrates. Whether that is good or bad I don't know. But what you are you are. I can't be anything else. I just wonder sometimes why there are so few of us, who are. willing to die for our beliefs. People have become hideously lukewarm. It disgusts me. Yet sometimes I am envious, that they are capable of remaining indifferent Its got me very interested in ancient greece again though. Maybe I'll go back to reading the last days of socrates. 12:04 PM [ ] monday, april 3