OK, last night I ventured to the cinema to see Planet of the Apes.
And despite having Tim Burton's holy name upon it, I found it so worthless I mayaswell have spent the evening throwing stones at a tree. The only thing about it I found even remotely entertaining was the fact that it allowed me to make endless PG Tips jokes.

Bollocks.

And all the trailers were shit too, and the sadistic projectionist also decided to bombard us with a video of Robbie Williams singing a shit queen song, which displayed enough pomposity, egomania and shitness to upgrade the little arsehole from simply being a nasty irritation to the level of a full-blown menace to civilization.

The ticket cost me £4.50 and the best thing in the whole show was a vodka ad featuring the never-fails comedy gambit of a wise cracking dog.

But anyway, The realization thrust on me by this rather disappointing evening:

Out of maybe a dozen films I've seen this year, only four of them have NOT been completely fucking shit. (And one of those was The Mummy Returns, which tells you something about my standards).

Where are the good films? What happened to them?? We need more than one half-decent film every six months! Film is such a kick-ass entertainment medium, and yet since the success of American Beauty/Fight CLub/Three Kings, when it looked for a moment like Hollywood might start making quite good films, we've been hit with wave after wave of such appalling, moneywasting, braindead, non-entertaining SHIT...

I demand some good stuff soon or I'm going to lose interest in movies altogether. And that would suck.
posted by Ben Haggar at 4:46 AM

A BRIEF DIABOLICAL SCHEME:

Y'know that Nazi Propaganda song that gets played a lot on WWII/3rd Reich documentaries?
The kind crooner number with a rousing chorus of ADDOOLLPPHH HIIITLER, ADOLPH HIIITLER..

Well, wouldn't it be great to get a copy of that, press up a few new ones and send them to radio stations, media sources etc. disguised as promos for the new Robbie Williams single!

That would be fantastic! hehhehheh..

Except that I guess they'd listen to it and realize it was a hoax before they played it on the radio or wrote about it.

Back to the drawing board.
posted by Ben Haggar at 8:14 AM

Oh lordy, lordy. This weblog lark is getting bloody ridiculous.
I'm not actually vain enough to actually use this space to talk about my life, and anyway it's rare that I do or think anything worth communicating via the medium of words these days..

So what to do?

Other than create a blog consisting entirely of promises of updates and apologies for lack of updates that is.

I mean, if I was allowed to DRAW here instead of write I could come up with loads of entertaining and informative scribblings but, um, that's not really any excuse. Short of repeating stuff I've already posted on The Underground, I honestly don't have a lot to proclaim to the world at present. So I reccomend readers use use common sense and check this blog, say, once a month.
posted by Ben Haggar at 9:56 AM

A WARNING: In the forthcoming days or weeks, I may choose to inflict various miscellaneous and degenerate 'writings' upon the reader(s) of this blog. So don't say I didn't warn you.

My brother just handed me the first draft of his first play. It's a Shakespearian tragedy based on Star Trek. It's called 'Jean Luc Picard - A Tragedy in Three Acts' and contains strong parallels to Macbeth, Moby Dick and The Caine Mutiny.

Come to Wales. The natives are surly and the thunder storm's are fucking ridiculous.
posted by Ben Haggar at 2:51 PM

Just thought you might want to know what I’m up to at the moment;

Well, I’m basically attempting to use my 3 month odd holiday to do something constructive. I have Realized that, despite what certain 10 years out of date fashion statements may claim, sitting around smoking pot and watching Star Wars is NOT an improving way to spend my precious spare time. A day in which I don’t make anything is a day wasted, and that kinda jazz.

So I’m trying my best to avoid the temptations of the TV, the larder and friend’s houses, and am instead attempting to write stories and draw comics, bash my head once more against the mammoth task that is learning to do magic properly and, perhaps most importantly, trying to work my way through a pile of unread books almost as tall as I am (and, despite my decision not to read anymore science fiction, about three quarters of them are science fiction – I guess it’s just my destiny).

And that’s just in the hour a day when I’m not staring at the computer screen (joke, but only just).

THE THING ON THE DOORSTEP – WHEN GOD HID HIS FACE, my long awaited fanzine is actually FINISHED and ready to go to the presses. Except I’ve only just realized that I don’t have any presses. So expect a further delay while I go and find some…

I’m afraid that, due to space restrictions and laziness, it won’t be the fictional bands ‘zine previously advertised, and I’m afraid that the contributions Jack, Adam, Lauren and GC made to that project won’t be in it – I’ll save them for another day.

What will be in it, however, is many pages of my cartooning, featuring guest appearances from Hunter S. Thompson, Beck, the King in Yellow and Alan Moore, and many jokes which will probably go completely over the heads of people who haven’t read the invisibles, and indeed people who don’t frequent the Barbelith Underground. Which may give it a somewhat limited audience, but so what? Also featured – John Peel’s poetry corner, some funny newspaper collages and another chance to see MOBY – A Warning From History.

Anyway, that’s done, time to move on to new stuff..
posted by Ben Haggar at 12:26 PM

Hey, guess what, I just found this neat picture:

http://free-ri.hinet.hr/nikA/img/sigsetc/rizlaaa.JPG

It's not actually me, obviously,(I'm male for a start). It belongs to someone called spacepixie who posts on a Sonic Youth forum, but doesn't it just fit my Rizla fictionsuit completely?

Therefore, I've stuck it on my new Underground profile in a bit of weird online cross-dressing. Now, you hardcore Barbelith-people who read the collective an' all know it isn't me, but if/when new folk turn up, keep it quiet, ok?
posted by Ben Haggar at 8:19 AM

Curse Zenith! I too am enthralled!
The Onion is like some horrific but irresistable machine selling the world's fears and insecurities back to them ... the spoof news thing is just a cover.
posted by Ben Haggar at 4:10 AM

RIZLA WEBLOG – RESURRECTION!

Here’s hoping that in future I can summon up enough energy to update this blog on at least a semi regular basis.
In the grand tradition of this blog, what follows was written at 2am with very loud music playing (I won't get my Boy Scouts Junior Gonzo badge unless I state these things explicitly, you know).

I was greeted yesterday morning with the somewhat unhappy news that Urusei Yatsura, my favouritest band ever, have decided to split. (Or at least, Graham Kemp has left to persue ‘solo projects’ while Fergus, Elaine & Ian continue under a different name). I take it that the decision had something to do with the disappointing (i.e. non-existent) reaction to their excellent last album ‘Everybody Loves Urusei Yatsura’.
It’s always been weird being near-obsessed with a band as little known as Yatsura. Most people’s favourite artists are generally those who have achieved some degree of major league success, fame or heavy critical praise .. it’s quite difficult to admit that you’ve been most moved and inspired by a band who will undoubtedly have to content themselves with a footnote in the annals of rock history as ‘passable Scottish indie band. Ripped off Sonic Youth & Pavement. Unhealthy interest in Japanese kitsch and the concept of slaying.’ And the fact that this will be Yatsura’s only legacy, whilst a certain trio of overweight Welsh slop-peddlers (who shall remain nameless) are endlessly praised, quoted, analysed and eulogised is a shining example of the unfairness of life in general and the stupidity of the record buying public in particular.

‘So why were Yatsura so great?’ I fail to hear you ask..
Well, basically they were everything that the aforementioned Welsh group have always purported to be but never actually been.
They combined all my favourite elements of pop music into one glorious whole.
A cool-as-fuck, intelligent and passionate British guitar band whose music combined earbleeding levels of noise with irresistible pop tunes. The subject matter of their songs ranged from Japanese comic books to teenage murder sprees to No Logo anti-capitalism to the Vietnam War to the death of irony to good ol’ fashioned slacker angst to ‘70s movie stars. Their lyrics evolved from witty Malkmus-esque wordplay and sneering cynicism (of the good kind) to take in genuine emotional depth and some of the most dense and evocative imagery seen this side of hip-hop. Their style and attitude just ruled – sophisticated whilst still being punk, political without shoving it down your throat, cloaked in irony and self awareness whilst still being energised and enthusiastic.. basically they were one of the most underrated bands of the last decade.

I will continue to champion the Yatsura cause right up until the fateful day when by body is finally interred – beginning now.
I cannot recommend highly enough that you, Barbelith reader, get yourself a copy of the Yon Kyoku Iri ep – in my opinion the band’s best release – and play it extremely loudly. It’ll only cost you about a fiver, but it contains four songs which will enrich your life considerably.
Or, if you want a friend for life, email me and I’ll send you a tape copy of Yatsura’s greatest hits for no charge.

Here the evangelism ends.

I bet you wish I hadn’t bothered restarting my blog after all that. But fuck it, if we can’t rant about stuff we love occasionally, what’s the point in getting up in the morning?

“So you wanna kill the rock stars?,
Well that’s getting real old.
When they all come back to haunt you,
You’ve got a right to get upset

What do you think is going on?
Teenage dream is fucked and wrong”

RIP URUSEI YATSURA 1995-2001

posted by Ben Haggar at 3:50 AM