she looked incredibly beautiful tonight, standing in my living room ranting. her eyes were glowing with a fire i hadn't seen in them before. her outfit that was de rigueur at work looked smart and chic in a different setting. i still don't have any idea what's going on, or even *if* anything's going on, but i do know that the more time i spend alone with her the more i find myself staring at her face and wanting to kiss her. i blurted out something about her being pretty tonight, but it got lost in the subtext of the conversation we were having about cars. i think i could have it bad for her.
8/21/2001 10:23:39 PM
lots to tell! i'm no longer in the band. long story there, but suffice it to say that i'm actually as relieved as i am disappointed. keyboard isn't really my thing, and it turned out there was going to be about 2 songs that i'd get to play guitar on so it's all good.been hanging out with w. a lot lately, and we have a great time together. i honestly don't know if i'm lusting after her or not. she made a comment the other night that was quite intriguing, although she was trying to make it an inside joke kind of thing: "that's why chad's not attracted to me, because i can't spell!" - the spelling thing being the inside joke - but why would she even consider whether i was attracted to her or not, unless she wants me to be? and here i go again, overanalyzing something instead of just going with it (or not going with it, which is more likely the case, since she's probably not interested anyway.) ahhh, silly me. no wonder i get headaches.
so here is my sleep schedule from last night, which kind of scared me: - fell asleep while reading at 7pm, woke up at 12:43am, fell back to sleep, woke up again at 3:30, got up to take my contacts out, ended up being wide awake after the bathroom light hit me, got online to check email (had weird dream about my submissions at artofthemix.org) and ended up staying awake till about 6:30. went back to bed and didn't wake up till 11:10. my body clock is all screwy lately.
learned something this morning: hard cheese (e.g., sharp provolone) doesn't melt very easily, so it needs to be folded into the omelet early on in the process. otherwise, you get a nice smooth omelet with hard lumps of cheese in the middle.
wow, it's been almost another month since my last post - i swear i'm going to start writing more.
8/18/2001 12:19:38 PM
another future-daughter-name:- calliope
7/22/2001 11:22:26 PM
just looked at previous blogs, and have the following updates (as if 1. anyone reads this but me and maybe d.r., and 2. you care):- officially in the band. played my first gig to a PACKED house (note caps as substitution for audible, biting sarcasm) in lovely downtown clifton, nj.
7/22/2001 10:52:27 PM
- shined the coolpix, fronted the extra 2 benjamins, and got the sony dsc-s75. mo' megapixels, mo' fun. pics to follow.
- alphabetized my entire cd collection tonight. categorized sections into singles, compilations, soundtracks, albums. found quarter, buying life tomorrow.
possible names for my future daughter(s):- maisie
7/19/2001 08:55:10 PM
- lorelai (ok, i'm obsessed with lauren graham. but i'd probably spell it lorelei.)
i'm addicted to bravo. i don't think i've ever watched so much tv in my life, but lately i've been glued to these odd movies. tonight's fare: "river's edge" with keanu reeves, ione skye and dennis hopper. and a blow-up sex doll. i love ione, she's even beautiful when she's playing a scumbag doper chick. keanu is keanu, and dennis hopper is manically brilliant.as i sit typing this, "mary queen of scots" has started - four words: vanessa. redgrave. redhead. british.
i'm going to bed again - i have absolutely no pressing issues facing me at work tomorrow, i can wear jeans and sneakers 'cause it's friday, my boss isn't going to be there, and i'm gonna leave early and get a jump on the weekend. so there.
7/5/2001 10:10:53 PM
it's not vicious, or malicious, just dee-lovely, and delicious.i'm in a band again! or at least, i have been invited to learn some tunes, come to rehearsals, and be worked in gradually, like butter in a cake batter (if i knew you were comin' i'd have baked a cake, baked a cake, baked a cake...) go to mofunk.net and you'll see what it's all about.
my, we're quite punchy tonight. i've been wanting to sit down and blog my ass off for a few days now, and then i get online and find other things to do; mainly, reading other blogs and looking up movies on imdb. that, and driving myself crazy trying to pin down the best price and a ship date for the nikon coolpix 775 camera, which i intend to purchase the moment it becomes available.
in hot-car-cd-player-rotation this week: hey! album by marvelous 3 (quickly making its way onto my favorite albums of all time list), "one step closer" by linkin park, good humour by saint etienne ("erica america" is about as close to pop perfection as i've ever heard), and various funk stuff that i'm learning for the band (jungle boogie, brick house, et al.)
so much for going to bed extra early. i'm all wound up because i did absolutely nothing all afternoon except clean my little apartment. and i only did the bathroom & kitchen; i haven't even tackled the dusting, vacuuming, and straightening of the living room & bedroom. woo hoo, happy july 4th!
i've been having lots of disjointed, uncomfortable thoughts lately, most of which pertain to ex-girlfriends and my future in the dating field, which looks bleak at best. i just watched "high fidelity" again last night, and there's the part where catherine zeta-jones says that every guy goes through this "what does it all mean" phase when he's about 30 - i'm not sure i'm at that phase, but i have definitely been looking at life from the outside and, hence, overcriticizing myself.
hmph. there are light flashes and sonic booms happening outside, and i'm not sure if it's fireworks or thunderstorms. i'm going to bed now, i think.
7/4/2001 10:44:28 PM
retro posts from my scribble site:jillian 02/22/00
she has the most incredibly expressive mouth. it lights up when she smiles. she's a gemini, and the duality of that sign kills me. in the best of all possible ways.blame it on the black star... 01/24/00
"i get on the train and i just stand about now that i don't think of you...i keep falling over i keep passing out when i see a face like you."past and present 01/22/00
hung out tonight with someone i vaguely knew in high school. funny how ten years later, so much has gone fuzzy, cliques don't matter anymore and you realize that familiarity doesn't have to breed contempt; it can foster new friendships out of old acquaintances.ain't nobody here but us chickens 01/21/00
louis jordan is so f*ing cool. i just got three cd compilations with all his best stuff and it makes me smile to listen to them. god knows i needed that tonight.becky 01/21/00
i've been trying to make sense of a whole year in just under two days, and it doesn't add up. what happened to forever? what happened to the passion? when did we close our hearts? how am i going to sleep?
work 01/07/00
There was a time when I liked getting up and coming in to work in the morning. Now I'm micromanaged, underpaid, and treated like shit by the people I work with. It's time to move on again.aspirations 01/06/00
6/17/2001 10:38:12 PM
this morning while i dressed for work i was listening to the new sheryl crow live CD. there is a version of "white room" with eric clapton, and it made me think... both sheryl crow and eric clapton have done something i've always dreamed of doing: -sheryl crow played "white room" onstage with eric clapton. -eric clapton had sex with sheryl crow.
sometimes spilling your guts isn't necessary. dear prudence, won't you come out to play?
6/16/2001 09:16:04 PM
another night turns into morning as you drive back across the bridge into the relative safety of sleep, where our basest desires can only play themselves out in your dreams and my imagination.it amazes me how after midnight we start to finish each other's sentences, begin the same sentence at the same time, and avoid looking too deeply too long into one another's eyes, for fear that we might see something more than either of us bargained for. yet with all our innuendo and shameless flirting, we simply can't start what cannot be finished. i don't know if this is a sign of maturity, strength of character, or sheer denial. it's definitely a matter of circumstance, and my worst case of bad timing ever.
i couldn't stop watching your lips tonight - the way your bottom lip pouts unintentionally, almost apologetically, with the lightest application of lipstick; how it wraps itself around the straw in your iced tea; the movement of your mouth when you sing, head down over your guitar in fierce concentration, your eyes closed at times when you feel the music pouring from your soul...i won't deny the impure thoughts that race through my head or the shiver that crawls up my back when your leg brushes mine or when you lean back against me, your head on my chest. i embrace the thought of you, the image of you that burns in my mind when you're not here and can't hold a candle to the real thing when you are here.
i know it's wrong to feel the way i do, and even more unfair to tell you about it. it's better for everyone involved that things are working out the way they are, and my unrequited passion is my issue alone; someday i will learn to lead with my head and not my heart.
6/16/2001 01:55:47 AM