friday, january 19

age of capricorn

we tauruses have a certain kinship with capricorns. they too are strong-willed, independent, and faithful, and the world is a better place for each and every one of them. that said, to those who are the astounded parents of a new capricorn, thanks go out to you for making the world a bit better. peace right back at you. 2:17 PM

life is tremendous

most people define tremedous as "being such as may excite trembling or arouse dread, awe, or terror" but i prefer the alternative meaning: "notable by reason of extreme size, power, greatness, or excellence." and life is, by that definition, tremendous.

last night tengo said i sounded [gasp!] elitist in my last post. he said i sounded like i was preaching. i was, i am, and i do. frequently, as a matter of fact. of all the sad, dark things in the world, the one i refuse to ever accept as inevitable is an individual who does not seek, cultivate, or believe in joy. i'm not saying it has to be a full-time profession, but when people resolve themselves to little boxes made of ticky tacky and resign themselves to a life without beauty i cannot bear the sight. tengo says they might just not be "self-aware" but i say that they choose unawareness. if it is not an informed decision then i will "enlighten" them.

so if i sound like i am preaching against everything in the world that would have a human creature settle for a life with less beauty, happiness, and grace than they are entitle to by birth, well i am. think about it: with every new life there is a new world of possibility for all this wide and wonderful. i have heard the wonder in the voice of more than one new parent - the realization of another independent life astounds and confounds our otherwise mundane sensibilities. we stand awestruck in the sacred and sublime possibilities of the world. i guess what makes me odd is that i get that way all the time. sometimes the magnificence of life, of the universe, is just too much to be contained by my singular heart. and so i expound to all who will listen that we truly have a tremendous opportunity - we need only take it.

now, lest i sound like a hypocrite, i freely admit: there are times when my faith waivers, and sometimes it fades more times than i'd like, but real faith is never so absolute that it stands beyond question. life can be as hurtful as it can be healing, and i've suffered my blows. they've rattled in my core and i have the scars to prove it. but invariably my faith comes back, restored and revivified because life, in its grandeur, will not be ignored or forgotten for long. or at least not in the world i choose to be in. and so i believe, and i prevail upon all who will listen to believe as well. act out of hope and the grace that is the human form will not be lost on you. if you stay inside your nice, safe house you will miss it all - both good and bad. put people in boxes and you'll miss it, close your mind to the changes in weather and you'll miss it. wed yourself to a life of complacent malaise you will surely miss it. life is a blessing, not a burden. so kindly treat it as such.

now can i get an "amen!" 1:08 PM

thursday, january 18

chocolate mornings and uncomfortable boxes

ok, so there was no actual chocolate this morning, but i did wake up in a good mood today, and i've managed to hang on to it for the most part. wacky, huh? i had a great big ole long talk with a good friend last night. as per usual, i suspect we both left the conversation with a slightly better understanding of the world. see, he often ends up in the role of the "he said" to my "she said" which works well. sure, the answer may be "42" and the question may be "what is 7 times 8?" but maybe the point is to revel in the beautiful nonsense of it all ... right? so it's in that light that i untangled the knot that's been eating at my soul this week.

i have, of late, been faced with the notion that many of my good friends have placed me in various proverbial boxes. and that is, in a strange way, hurtful. the boxes are exceptionally lovely, and i really have no contention with them save that they fail to fit all that i am. they strategically leave the fact that i am a girl out in the cold. surprising in that it is so fundamental to who i am - not surprising because the friends are men. what leaves me sad is that no friendship between two people is ever real if there are artificially constructed limitations to the relationship. i'm not saying that every friendship has to cover the entire theoretical map of the human experience, but to place walls up seems silly. it's like viewing a sunset with one eye through a paper tube: true, you see the sunset, but you miss the beauty of it all around you.

ultimately, i would rather feel a real sunset and not see one again than view a dozen with selective sight. i guess that means i'd rather have two years of a real friendship that ended up in a bloody mess than a decade of the pasteurized variety. friendships are not and should not be any safer than any other relationship - no human interaction is entirely without risk. romances end, families fued, people commit to one another and then change their minds with the seasons - it's the nature of the form. people, even with no intention, can threaten equilibrium merely by being themselves. to box them in is to request that they be less of themselves when around you so as not to ... unsettle things.

the interesting part is that i have two male friends who intentionally keep me unboxed, or so it would appear. they not only realize i'm a girl, but they embrace it as part of who i am. we do pose a threat to each another, but we are also friends, and frankly that means more. when attraction comes and goes, we actually call it out for what it is, rather than sweep it under the rug. as a result, the friendship is more open and honest, and admittedly more volitile as well. make sense? not entirely, but such is the way of the world. or hadn't you heard ... seven times eight is [yup] 42. 4:41 PM

wednesday, january 17

home sweet ... death

yes ladies and gentlemen, i have done a feng shui analysis of my apartment. apparently my sanctuary is a death trap in the making. why? watch as the evidence compiles:

prosperity	my front door. this debunks everything to follow since i'm perpetually broke
longevity	my dressing room, which explains why it takes me so long to get ready in the morning.
health	my bathroom. i think the mold would find it's lable of "health" amusing
spook	associated with theft, it's where my windows and fire escape are. it's also where the witchy cabinet lives. spooky.
vitality	should be my front door or a religious altar, instead it's my kitchen
irritation	now i understand why i dislike studying, this is where my desk is. and no, i'm not kidding.
death	where i sleep. that's the clincher.

and yes, so all of this is from a website where you too can find out you sleep in a death trap. i'm not entirely sure why i look into these things. part of me thinks there must be something to them, but do i really sleep in a death trap? can this crap really help me make sense of an otherwise orderless existence? and why the funny look on your face. is it that obvious that i am desperately avoiding the thoughts that are compounding in my skull like a jackhammer laying into a pile of bricks the size of the berlin wall? 11:54 AM

tuesday, january 16

life as a changling

sunday i spent the better part of the afternoon wandering the city. i'm not entirely certain why, but something in me just wanted to wander until i found what i was wandering for. it was mild and grey and quite city-esque if that term means much - the daily dyn was kept down to an undertow, and all of it suited my mood exquisetly. the day never got around to feeling real. well, not entirely anyway.

maybe it was that i'd been out too late the night before. i visited too many different places and became too many different people. i was everything that everyone ever takes me to be, and i did it all within a 12 hour span. days spent as a changling can be a bit much. mind you, i wasn't entirely acting. i am, in truth, a bit of all these things - free spirit, wounded soul, jock, intellectual, girl, non-girl, friend, neighbor, hermit, butterfly, student, delinquent. i was a regular in a bar and an oddity in a church, all in one day. sure all of it is in one way or another real, but the disoreintation came from the fact that i was letting each situation define me. maybe i do that all the time, and the situations just don't change that fast. any which way, it left me grey.

and so i wandered the streets of new york. yes, i love this city, only don't expect me to admit that all the time. i just needed to walk around and be invisible, and frankly there is no place better suited for anonymity than this particular invisible city. and as if to perfect the picture, i had david gray on my discman. the entire afternoon smacked of something out of a underrated movie. i collected myself, my thoughts, and my colors. it was kind of nice to know i'm all there - that the palate is still full, that i can still be whoever i want to be on any given sunday. remind me to paint more often. 4:06 PM

wednesday, january 10

buddha was a taurus

and so am i. and there really is no other reason for this post than to say that. i'm tired, craky, flu-ey and frankly that just makes for bad blogging. but that remark from guru rob made me happy. he also said that i'm "in a phase when lightning-like epiphanies from the great beyond are most likely to swoop" whatever the hell that means. apparently i should "expect a subtle, supernal miracle." now i'm not much for believing in miracles these days, but this started me thinking. after a surprisingly tough time, i came up with the following list of the five miracles i really would like to happen during the upcoming week:

1. daniel snyder should sell the 'skins and the new owner should hire parcells

2. the horrible new dmb should be exposed as a mere a joke, after which they should quicky return to their hippie-children selves and immediately release grace is gone

3. i should mysteriously receive an "a" in my con law class soley based on my sense of humor on the final exam

4. curious yellow should fall in love - wait, that already happened. shit. now i wasted a request.

5. someone who has invented a time machine should offer me the opportunity to go back in time to be a muppeteer back in late seventies and early eighties. hey, as long as we're talking miracles, i'm going to aim big.

6. number four shouldn't count, so i think both orange-flavored chapstick and fruit-flavored trident should brought back to the market. see? told ya i was aiming big.

of course, i am supposed to hit the batting cages with cb who is quickly taking on the role of safety-jack [aka male friend who is inherently undatable]. talk about shooting for the moon, i think i may stand a better chance at being a muppeteer. but rob said to expect a "subtle" miracle, so i guess batting cages would fit the bill ...right? 4:16 PM

tuesday, january 9

how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ahem. i have now decided that being sad over lost possibilities is cliché, passé and a bunch of other é - type things. this might have something to do with the fact that i ran into the king of both self-depreciation and self-deprivation after class yesterday evening. and that was two really big words in one little sentence. anyway, it's extraordinary to see someone consistently refuse to embrace anything good or beautiful or joyous in this life or in this world, and i don't want to be one of those people. the future really isn't the place to place my better days. and so, as i walked home from the subway, i happily lifted my face to the falling snow, sang along and out loud to penny lane, and enjoyed the time for what it was.

and so maybe this whole thing is for the best. or maybe not. the entire resulting splat that has been Y2K01 is not a tragedy of biblical, epic, or even poorly-acted charlton heston proportions. the truth is that much like above qustion that has plagued mankind for generations, we will never know. which i guess is ok, or at least it will be. whichever. whatever. i've always prefered randomly freaking out to the art of wallowing. wallowing is bad for the complexion, and besides - there are simply too many beautiful things in this life to pretend it's some sort of garbage dump. then again, i'm sleep deprived, over-caffinated, and not too surprisingly, craving a raspberry tootsie pop. and you know what? i'm going to go get one. yup. good stuff abounds. 3:33 PM

monday, january 8

up from under

i am worn out, clear-minded, and sad. ever stop and think of what an overused word that is? not depressed, not angry, frustrated or the all-encompasing "upset." no, people use the word "sad" far, far too frequently because now when you use it folks think you mean something other than you do. and i don't.

ladies and gentlemen, today i am sad. i say that because i am disappointed but not resentful. it's just that i lost the hope for something, and i lost possibility of more days in the sweet air of that hope. nobody stripped it from me, and i didn't give it away, but it's gone nonetheless. it's memory will take some time to fade. so tomorrow i will probably still be sad. day after that, well, if meteorologists can't predict the weather, who am i to predict my meloncholy?

and so i destroy the otherwise elusive beauty that was my magellan post with a nice delve into my own personal reflection. and in so doing, i of course rip off song lyrics in a desperate attempt at redemption. check out the post from last friday. yes, i saw all this coming. "I'm down here in the well, looking back up at the hill - I thank heaven I fell, I must look more like myself ..." 3:33 PM

liar, liar, pants on fire

think magellan was happy when he circumnavigated the world? think again. sure, there's the initial euphoria of having accomplished a great feat - of having taken the leap of faith that many thought impossible. and glory be to god, he was the first on record to prove the limits that bind this earthly ball. still, i'll bet that afterwards he was a bit meloncholy. knowing exactly where something stops, well, it has a tendency to strip one of the limitless nature of hope. instead one is left with fact, which is never as warming. sure, in the long run it's more stable - it is [in theory] better to build on earth than on air. but something still tells me that magellan was somewhat disillusioned with the finite nature of his world. and so am i. 9:52 AM

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