Why am I freaking about this portfolio review so much when it's a year and a half away? Shouldn't I be more stressed about other things rather then that. I'm having family problems... roommate problems... still finding friends. And I'm so hung up over this portfolio review. Rationally I know that the only thing I can do is work my butt off and try my hardest. I guess I'm just channeling all my stress into this stupid review. I have more immediate problems but all day it's consumed my thoughts. I'll just be sitting somewhere, maybe talking to Rae and next thing I know my heart seizes up and my throat gets tight- all because I think about this review. I don't want to think about it- I just want to chill. Think about my aunt, the things that are most important to me.

College hasn't been what I expected of it- and to tell you the truth I never had huge expectations, I wasn't sure what was coming. It always seemed like some distant event in my future... and now that it's here. I don't know, I'm having problems putting all my thoughts and ideas down into words. I'll know exactly what to say one moment and the next it's gone.. just a vague recollection. It's like this friends thing. I go through the motions of trying to make friends- introducing myself, trying to carry on a conversation and it just doesn't work very well. I feel like a huge misfit, someone people want to escape from rather then be friends with. It's always been that way. I've never been the person with a large group of friends. I've always been the one with the small group of really close friends. It all disintegrated after high school though. They all went off to Texas A&M and UT and I was stuck at a community college where half the class was 40-something and up and the other half were people just like me: students working on their transfer, not really interested in making permanent connections knowing that in a few months it wouldn't matter anyways. Here it's different and I still feel like the fifth wheel like I did in high school and community college. I've watched people meet one day and be like best friends the next. Am I looking too far into this? Or is there just something wrong with me somehow?

My suitemate, Tracie, can make friends so quickly. She can say a quick hello to the people in the elevator and they'll be her best buds the next day. I do the same thing and get ignored or just tolerated. I know that I'll probably meet a lot of people through my classes and the social activities offered here, but it's still disconcerting to see all these people making friends so quickly, and then there's me. And the more this goes on the more I keep analyzing if there's something wrong with me that everyone knows about but I don't. I've even asked my close friends about it, well when I had those close friends. They told me I was imagining things- which is probably true. I'm just subcoming to the completely human desire to be around people like me, to have people I trust and can hang out with.

And now experiencing the whole social nature of this college I've realized just how much I've missed it over the past year (don't worry Rae, I won't be abandoning you or Deede anytime soon) When my friends left it was just me- they were all off at colleges getting on with their lives and I was still stuck in the same place... the exact same rut. This past year I think I saw a grand total of 2 movies in the movie theater- and those were with my mom or brother. My nights and days were spent online... And that part I don't regret, I've met some amazing people online who've enriched my life so much and just made this past year so much more bearable. They've stuck by me through everything. But I still missed the active social life I used to have. And I'm starting to get that back little by little- but slowly. I've only been here a week and I know that there's so much more ahead of me. And I know eventually that I'll have friends, that I won't constantly be walking around in a daze.

This roommate thing has just thrown me for a loop. I came to UNT excited about the prospects of having a roommate- doing all the roommate stuff- like arranging the room, griping about classes... That sort of thing, not the lies and the deception and the fake smiles. I'm sick of the tension, of having sides and talking to RA's. I'm sick of worrying and trying to brush it off. I knew we probably wouldn't be the best of friends, but I hadn't been expecting this. I don't feel comfortable in this room when she's here, and I know I'm rehashing the same gripes from earlier blogs. My thoughts are so scattered and disjointed, I'm hurt and worried and stressed. This week I've just been getting the curve balls- a complete lesson in Murphy's Law, and with my aunt... well I had thought I was through the worst of it, but then I got that news.

I love my aunt, I'm her only neice and she has no kids so she dotes on me and my brother. And we adore seeing her, she doesn't live even relatively close to my family. She's in Colorado, we're in Texas. But she's wonderful, and this lung disease has me freaked out. I don't know how serious it is, but my overactive imagination keeps taking me places. And coupled with all this stress. God I hope she's okay, I'm hoping that this is something that can be easily taken care of and she'll be okay again. But at times like this it makes me glad that my family is so small and so close. (on my mom's side there are 2 grandkids total- me and my brother. Overall there are 6 grandkids when my dad's side and my mom's side are combined) So it's like everyone is there for her, we're all pulling for her. And they're all there for me too. My mom IM's me like 5 times a day, my dad is even attempting to get the hang of IM so he can talk to me. It's weird, my family isn't very touchy feely, we aren't vocal about affection and stuff. I can count the number of times my mom has told me that she loves me on one hand. But while she may not tell me those words at every opportunity she shows it through her actions. And right now, just all the concern she's showing for me, and with everyone pulling together for my aunt.. well I think it goes a lot farther then words ever can.

I'm going to stop now. This has been one long ramble, and I've probably bored people to tears. I've just needed to vent so badly and this blog has been a lifesaver. This has been one crap week, oddly enough I love my classes. Go figure.

posted by Tria Blaze 9:08 PM Comment

I'm officially declaring this week a disaster.

My mom just imed me: My aunt has some sort of lung disease.

She's had it for awhile apparently, but didn't realize that it wasn't more then just a case of a sore throat or something. I saw her this summer, and she was constantly coughing and popping the cough drops. God this is awful. She goes into the hospital soon for a biopsy, they're taking out 3 small peices of her lung so they can try and determine how to treat it best. It's from some sort of mold that was growing around her house. It's still sinking in... I just can't believe this. I hope she'll be okay, we're really close and this just scares me.

posted by Tria Blaze 12:19 PM Comment

Holy Crap! I just got back from my Intro to Communication Design class where the prof was freaking us all out about the Entry Portfolio Review. There are almost 260 people in that class- and apparently only 60 some students get through the review to start working on the higher level courses. I'm just a *bit* freaked out. Graphic/Communication Design is pretty much the only thing I've wanted to do (besides my dream job of archeology) I didn't even realize I wanted to be in the art field so to speak until the middle of my senior year of high school, so for me this is like just... shit. The only true drawing class I took was Drawing I at the community college, and just... I want in this program... I *need* in this program.

posted by Tria Blaze 7:09 AM Comment

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

Talked to my RA last night, she's really cool, and was so nice about the whole thing. Apparently Stephanie had come down earlier yesterday and had talked to her first- the RA told me what she had said, mainly just so I could clarify the points that Stephanie made. Oh, here's something new! Apparently Stephanie has a PhD or some such thing in psychology because now apparently I'm Bi-Polar. Go figure. At least that's what the RA said Stephanie told her. I just about flipped out. Apparently Stephanie also told the RA that I moved her furniture around and that I've gone through all her stuff. Even more flipping. I offered to write a testimony that I did not do such things in my own blood. The RA said that wouldn't be necessary.

I'm still shocked, I can't believe she said those things about me when they aren't true. I've never touched her things. EVER. I've been pretty damn careful to keep my stuff on my side and away from her things. Even before she arrived I was being careful to keep the room clean and my stuff in order so she wouldn't think I was a slob or anything. I'm just stunned, I was a mess last night when talking to the RA, especially after she told me about all the things Stephanie had said. She does agree though that it would be best if I did get another room assigment- unfortunately I have to wait 3 weeks before I can even turn in an application for a room change, and after that it will take another week to get it straightened out. But I can deal, it'll be okay. I'm refunding the fridge tomorrow- it's not worth it. I don't want to fight with her, or antagonize her more. I'm stuck here for the next few weeks- so not worth the fighting. I've just decided to be really nice and polite- as much as I'd love to put her in her place I doubt that would work out well. Amazingly enough I'm not really angry over this whole thing (although Rae and Deede are pissed for me- thanks you guys!!) I'm more just hurt by it.

Oh yeah, not knowing what Bi-polar disorder is exactly (I had a hazy idea) I looked it up on the internet:

A mood disorder characterized by mood swings from mania (exaggerated feeling of well-being) to depression.

Bipolar affective disorder results in pathological mood swings from mania to depression, with a tendency to recur and subside spontaneously. Either the manic or the depressive episodes can predominate and produce few mood swings, or the patterns of mood swings may be cyclic. The manic phase is characterized by elation, hyperactivity, over-involvement in activities, inflated self-esteem, a tendency to be easily distracted, and little need for sleep. The manic episodes may last from several days to months. In the depressive phase there is sluggishness (inertia), loss of self-esteem, withdrawal, sadness, and a risk of suicide. Some people are known as rapid cyclers and their mood may change several times a day. The disorder appears between the ages of 15 and 25 and affects men and women equally. The cause is unknown, but hereditary and psychological factors may play a role. The incidence is higher in relatives of people with bipolar disorders.

So apparently that's me *snort* I told her, when she first arrived, that I was hypoglycemic and that I sometimes experience mood swings and get into slumps (which was why I needed the fridge- milk calms me down. One glass of milk and I'm no longer a raving maniac- I'm me again)

I'm kinda scared over what she's gonna come up with next. What really blew me away was right before bed she was sitting there telling me that "I'm a really nice person, and not a bad roommate." Why in the world would she say all that stuff to the RA about me if she thought I was okay? I really can't wait to get out of this room.

posted by Tria Blaze 12:49 PM Comment

Monday, August 27, 2001

And the day gets worse. Much, much worse. I'm a mess, a crying, sobbing, shaking mess. My classes were cool- no issues there. But the whole roommate thing just got much much worse. I'm willing to work along, to try and make this whole college experience thing good for everyone. But this is my college experience, I want to enjoy myself as well. I don't want to be sitting her in tears with my mom calling every 10 minutes and Deede doing her best to console me.

Basically my roommate came by, we went out to lunch- everything was cool. We head back, and I go check on my car. And what do I find: a parking violation. There were no spots so I parked it along the side with like ohhh 50 other cars, and now I have to pay a $25 fine with money I don't have. So I go back, near tears at that point. I arrive at my room, parking violation in hand. Sit in front of my comp and she's questioning Yearie on her roommates' views- since Tracie is a Christian, as am I. I stick up in Tracie's defense, explaining my view of the issue we were talking about. Which Stephanie unwittingly proceeded to trash. While talking to her the night before we had gotten on the topic of sex and promiscuity and I had explained that I was waiting until marriage to have sex, not because I'm scared of the act or something- no far from it. My views of sex and virginity are just that it's a gift to be bestowed and there's no way I'm giving it to someone who I don't love completely and who doesn't love me completely. She proceeded to tell me, out of the blue, that I should "get out in the real world" because "sex really isn't as bad" as I seem to think it is. She also told me that I needed to be more compromising. THAT blew me away.

Well, I'd like to apologize to Stephanie, I'm sorry I have a legitimate medical condition that's controlled with the food I eat, and which I need around me. I'm sorry I need a place for the milk and juice I live off of. I'm sorry that my desire to not go off my rocker because I need these products interferes with the "positive energy" of the room. I'm sorrry I was sitting there near tears, gasping for air and wishing for a glass of milk to calm me down (medical condition again) while you were belittling my beliefs with your obviously superior ones. I'm sorry I don't fucking bow at your feet and kiss your ass simply because you are Stephanie.

God I need out of this room.

posted by Tria Blaze 4:38 PM Comment

Finally met my roommate. Got to the point where I was taking bets with Rachel about whether she would even show up or not, which she finally did. She's really nice (her name is Stephanie btw) We have run into a few problems though... (all within the space of knowing each other for only 30 minutes, go figure)

Stephanie is really into feng-shui, or however that's spelled. It's like the placement of objects and furniture in a room and somehow where ever you place stuff affects the good or bad vibes and some such thing. My problem is I've purchased a refridgerator, not a very big one, but being hypoglycemic I need a place to keep milk and juice and stuff, so that I don't like go off my rocker and act all irrational and stuff... or worse. And there is like NO wall space in this dorm. One wall is desks and cabinets (that are attached to the wall), another wall is just closets and then the two beds are each against a wall, also one floor to ceiling window.

And that's when the problems begin. My first idea was to move her bed so it was perpendicular to the wall, giving me room to plug the fridge in beside it. But noooo that won't work because it violates feng-shui and it's bad to have a room that's out of alignment in such a way. So I give, suggesting that we could bunk the beds, I don't mind taking the top one. But nope, that won't work either. She rambled on about being slightly claustrophobic in the bottom bunk and always feeling like she's gonna roll off on the top bunk. So then I suggest that we switch beds: she take the one by the door, I take the one by the window and move it so I can get the fridge in there. But nope, that won't work either, it's not good feng-shui to sleep by the door. At this point I was about ready to fly into a rage, of course my version of being pissed off is to just get really quite and glare. Which I was doing. Even her boyfriend was telling her she had to give somewhere, even offered to help us bunk the beds (which we didn't do btw)

So I finally hit on a plan, the fridge is narrow but tall, it may just fit behind her bed giving the closet enough room to open. Sears had sold out of fridge's, but I've already payed and I pick it up friday, so I guess today I get to measure the space I have for a fridge to fit in, then I get to go measure the demo fridge they have out. And if it doesn't fit.... looks like I get to return a freaking fridge.

Just a tip- when going to college and living in a dorm. Please freaking compromise with your roommate, and if your little quirks make them red in the face with clenched hands and grited teeth, it's generally a good idea to give some. I mean, she loves feng-shui, go her. But I don't, and I would rather that her beliefs not infringe on me, just as I'm not about to foist my beliefs off on anyone else. UGGG. This fridge had better freaking FIT!

And I'm not trying to bash her beliefs or anything, I'm really really trying to work with her to make this work. It's just hard when beliefs start infringing on other people and stuff. I'm trying, really I am.

posted by Tria Blaze 7:20 AM Comment

Sunday, August 26, 2001

And the world welcomes yet another idiot! Yet again Fringe got ripped off by someone who can't think up their own layout or at the very least write their own code. Rae is pissed, and rightly so. She had been getting hits from a site on Angelfire and she just found said site today. This isn't even remotely funny: check it out Scroll down to the bottom and gaze in horror. It's the most blatant rip off of Fringe I've seen yet. Is it too hard to come up with an original layout? orginal code? Is this a hard thing?! This is unbelievable...

posted by Tria Blaze 1:34 PM Comment

Saturday, August 25, 2001

Well I'm here! yay! My roommate on the other hand is still MIA. She's claimed her space though, we arrived and she had her bed all made up. Which is weird, I've talked to her on the phone and she seems really nice, she's into punk music and told me she has quite a few tattoo's and peircings, and I'm cool with that. But her bed is all frilly and ruffly, with pink and purple flowers all over it (I really hadn't pinned her for the flower type) Definite case of never judge a book by its cover! Hopefully I'll get to meet her tomorrow, classes start monday (gulp) so she can't put off moving in too much longer.

My suitemates are *wonderful* though (the dorm I'm in has semi-private bathrooms, so our rooms are connected by a bathroom/shower, thusly: suitemates) They're two of the nicest people I've met. I'm hoping Stephanie (my roommate) will be as great as they are. I also ran into my Lab partner from my Bio AP class in High School . We kept looking at each other like 'don't I know you' and eventually it spiraled into this whole "oh my god! I didn't know you were going here!' thing. She's in my dorm, so that's really cool.

So far I've managed to avoid the party scene. It's rush week so most people are enjoying the benefits of free beer and the chance to act like a complete jackass. Was listening to some of Rachel's (my bio lap partner from ye' olden days) friends talk about the sorority/frat parties they had gone to and how plastered they had gotten and I couldn't help but think about how pointless it all was, and just how stupid it sounded. I have a different mentality from them when it comes to college. Playtime is over, it will be fun, but the point of college is to prepare yourself for a job and your future. I'm all for enjoying it while I'm here, but I'm not about to go out and get drunk and leave myself open to all kinds of temptation when I'm perfectly happy and perfectly secure not doing it. I've already made Rachel promise that if I did something stupid like join a sorority she would put me out of my misery.

And now I must go hunt down and kill the person in charge of the thermostat. It is FREEZING here!

posted by Tria Blaze 11:06 PM Comment

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

This'll be my last day at home. Oddly enough I'm really not all that broken up about it, mainly just worried about getting all my comp equipment packed. I get the joy of a 4 hour drive to Denton tomorrow for College. ohhh Fun. My mom the pack rat actually threw out the box to my printer, this in and of itself is a feat since she keeps everything and she just had to throw about the one thing I really needed (I have a printer/scanner/copier that's pretty much brand new and one I spent a big wad of cash on, I'm just a *little* bit paranoid about it's well being. I'm not looking forward to stuffing it into the backseat of a car) Ah, well. I'll survive.... hopefully, I don't know if my parents will...

I'm counting on having a week or so without the internet so there won't be any site updates during that time. But there's a big ANF update coming and a new layout for Flammare.

Also, big thanks to all the people that e-mailed me about the Belge thing. Made me insanely happy that so many people out there felt the same way I did about the deragatory e-mails. He (or is that a she?) e-mailed me back once more going on about how my name sounded like some kind of sauce they dipped their tortilla chips in. Wonderful isn't it? I didn't reply back, someone that lacking in manners and brains isn't worth dealing with anymore.

Oh! My mom has the nicest clients!!! They were over signing contracts last night and I was lounging around in her office bitching about how my brother had lent out my Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie awhile back to one of his friends, forgetting to get it back and even which friend he lent it out to. I woke up this morning, griped to Serena about my brother loosing it, went downstairs and there on the counter was Monty Python and the Holy Grail. My mom's clients had bought it for me! *g* They rock!! I've also coereced Rae into watching it: she's shockingly lacking in culture, she' s never seen Jurassic Park or Monty Python and the Holy Grail or even Star Wars!!! (that last one is grounds for being lugged off to a looney bin IMHO, best movie ever made, no one should miss it.)

And I'm babbling too much, gotta go do more packing. And to all the people I owe mail to... It is forthcoming. I promise!

Be back in a week!! (or less, hopefully!)

posted by Tria Blaze 4:14 PM Comment

Sunday, August 19, 2001

So I opened up my e-mail today and found the most 'delightful' peice of mail waiting for me. Well it wasn't really for me (even though my e-mail addy was all over it), it was addressed to an "Erin" whoever that is.

Dear Erin,

Your sites are the worst more flagrant examples of why newbies SHOULD NOT be
given access to Frontpage and Photoshop apps. Your use of the layering and
vertical line effects are sickening. Just looking at your nauseating graphics
and barely readable text makes me want to hurl. Your choice of color is very
poor as well. Your links and navigation are unclear, and your content is
stolen from other sites.

Whatever you do, don't quit your day job. You are just one in a million
newbies with too much time on their hands trying to make an impression of
their laughable art skills. Your hosts really suck too. get a fucking life.

I wipe my ass with your page.

Much love,

- Belge

www.BelgeCreations.com

This just astounds me. I'm not really sure if it was meant for me or not, but I went ahead and responded to it since it was sent to me. I'm by no means new at the website thing, sometimes I may feel that I'm not very good at it, but I'm always learning and constantly looking to improve. And I was a newbie once upon a time (like ohhhh 4 years ago) and I had a peice of crap site that was a huge EYESORE. It was horrible, just thinking about it today makes me shudder and gag. But the main thing is that I've improved, maybe not by much, but at least that my sites are semi-decent in my opinion. And I will defend anyone's right to build a website, no matter how little experience with code or graphics programs they have. Just because a site isn't the most amazing thing to ever grace the internet doesn't mean it should be bashed. This was just low, and while I'm pretty sure it wasn't aimed at me (hopefully) I don't appreciate finding junk like this in my inbox. And for gods sake if you have issues with the way a site is presented there are better ways to help a webmaster improve it then insulting them! If people are new at the whole website thing help them out instead of trashing all the work they've done (and while I don't condone stealing content, people can learn!)

So I replied. and here's response # 2

If you're learning, do us a favor and keep your site off the net. your hard
drive is a good place for storage... I should report you to your ISP for
being a waste. A waste of bandwidth, a waste of webspace, and a bother to us
all. Just...
fuck off :]

much love

Sometimes I just have the urge to strangle people, I explained to this Belge person that I was not "Erin" and that it just because someone is new at the internet thing does not mean that they should be restricted from it. And oh golly gee wasn't Belge's reply just the sweetest thing ever?

Some people need to learn some manners stat!

posted by Tria Blaze 10:37 PM Comment

Saturday, August 18, 2001

oooooooo tired. Been working on the new Flammare layout, pretty much dug myself a hole and have been happily plugging away at Photoshop. Kinda funny, last night I spent 5 hours trying to figure out the layout and the tables and all that crap, came home from work today and figured it out in 10 minutes. Weird

Rae just commented on a misspelling of the word "anorexic" and I just went off on this weird tangent about it, and how it shouldn't be flung around and used to describe people because they are skinny blah blah blah blah. I need to knock it off with the tangents.

Ooooooo k. too tired. must... go... to.... bed....

posted by Tria Blaze 10:55 PM Comment

Friday, August 17, 2001

Been working on a new layout almost nonstop tonight. Not sure if I'll use it or not, it's big on the images. I like it though, just having a hell of a time getting the frames to work. Somehow I always seem to come up with the most complicated layouts possible. grrr.

posted by Tria Blaze 10:24 PM Comment

Wednesday, August 15, 2001

Yet again I am sick of the Flammare layout. It's nowhere near unique, and it's hard to update. I have so much I want to add but I never do because adding stuff takes way too much time. I have to change all the graphics around and mess with all sorts of stuff. It's annoying. I'm annoyed, I know I can do better. But every time I try to design a layout I just feel like I've fallen short of what I see in my head. There are days when I just feel like trashing everything and never touching a computer again. I have this inferiority complex thing going on. I try and I try and I try and I never feel like my designs are any good. They always feel mediocre to me. And then I see what Rae is doing or Clara and all the inferiority feelings just come back (these two are webgoddesses, they blow me away. I think Clara is lying about her age though, she's too good at webdesign, too mature to be 15. Amazing.) Some day I'd like to design a site that I'm completely happy with, 100% satisfaction. But at the rate I'm going that will be never.

I'm sorely tempted to trash Flammare anyhow. To just stick everything on one page until the time comes that I do find inspiration and I do design a site that actually pleases me and is easy to use. 'Cause right now this site is a pain in the ass.

posted by Tria Blaze 6:44 PM Comment