5.8.2001

I'm thinking that I may need to move this blog somewhere else.

dsf . @ 18:29

7.11.2000

so maybe you're wondering how the date with christina went? well, i'm not madly and insanely in love. but it was okay. it was nice. i could probably spend more time with her. brianna was very cute, as babies tend to be! i think i'd like to show her more of hawaii so that when she leaves she'll have a better appreciation of how special it is here. we walked and we talked, not really about anything. just getting a feel for the other person, getting used to how they are in person. she wasn't really what i expected, although she didn't really lie about anything. but what should i have expected?
 
the other thing is that i don't trust people. i'm not sure why. but it takes me a long time to get to know people and to really trust them for things. even with my very very close friends, do I have trouble fully trusting. maybe i feel that i am so untrustworthy myself, so how can i trust anything to anyone.

dsf . @ 15:23

7.9.2000

hmmm.... i'm not sure what to talk about. it's been a slow morning. it's like i'm just waiting, waiting.... my life is so dreadfully empty. ha ha. i wish. what shall i do today? i do need to wash my truck and i should probably spend some time out in the yard today. there is a lot of work out there to do. then there is tennis on tv, then a meeting with christina who i have had the great pleasure of talking with for the past couple of evenings. it's been very interesting. i think my problem is that i am and that i have been so terribly shallow with respect to my relationships. i guess it seems to get better through each one that i have been through. i can't seem to let go of one thing though. i don't know if i can go out with someone that i don't find physically attractive. *sigh* it kills me because mentally, i know this, and i know that it isn't right and that it isn't fair. and i'm not even very physically attractive either. i guess i need to continue to pray that God will break that in me so that i can accept and love people no matter what they look like. you know, it's not even that though.
 
i have this certain picture of what my dream girl is like. and it's not really one picture, it's kind of like a catalog, but there are definitely certain characteristics in people that i find attractive. shall i talk about that? no... that's too easy. these physical characteristics are pretty basic anyway. i also know that she also has to have certain non-physical characteristics. unfortunately, i think that i would more easily make allowances for her non-physical characteristics if she was physically attractive (to me) than vice-versa. does that make me bad? i guess it does if i'm not willing to be honest about it. *sigh*
 
i'm a hypocrite. i don't want to be, but i am. i like christina so far, it's been a lot of fun talking with her, and it's very comfortable to be on the phone with her. and here i am so terribly worried that if i don't find her attractive that i won't want to talk to her anymore. why couldn't i continue to be friends with her? yeah, i know, like i need another friendship to lose. then again, i do need a friend. i need a good close friend that i can confide in. so what if i don't find her attractive? i hope that it doesn't hurt her feelings a lot if i don't find her physically attractive. i want to try to be a good friend anyway. and who knows, maybe God will challenge me and break me.... or maybe she'll meet my hopes and i'll just be madly and insanely in love. what a moron.
 
why do i get so crazy anyway? i need to go climb a mountain or sit at the beach or something. sitting in my house in front of the computer is not making me a better person. i have to get out of here.

dsf . @ 11:29

7.7.2000

interesting interesting. i've met a few people from this online world. it may become difficult to seperate my online life from my offline life. but why should they be seperate since the arise from the same persona. you know, earlier i was thinking of writing the stories of all the women that i've been in love with. it's kind of funny to think about. but what is love? God says that He is love. how does this reconcile with all those thoughts and emotions that we have about other people? ha ha. well, if only it were so easy.
 
i must have been really grumpy this morning... i got all upset when reggie called and asked me to do sound for him on saturday night. i don't know what i had planned but it wasn't to be in church. not that it would be bad, but running sound just requires you to be there for like an hour before service and about a half hour after. it's tedious. and it worries me that i'll have to do a few of the sunday morning services now that georgette isn't doing sound any more. it's just that i'm there every friday night, then again on monday night. and then this weekend i have to do saturday night. man. i'm glad i'm not grumpy anymore.
 
so I met this neat girl christina today. actually, i met this other neat girl christina last week too. how weird! anyway this christina that i met today is not the same one that i met last week. but it's been pretty fun talking to her and barely getting any work done. which is marginally better than falling asleep and not getting ANY work done and a whole lot more fun. yeah, i haven't been getting much sleep lately. it's attributable to not going to bed soon enough and needing to wake up for work. maybe i just need a better reason to go to bed. now, i'm not too sure if that's going to happen because i have a girl to talk to! life becomes so much more interesting when you have a girl to talk to. well, it may not last very long, but it's gone pretty nicely so far. in fact.... well, i'm not going to talk too much about her yet. she might not like that, especially if she reads this. well... back to work...

dsf . @ 15:11

6.20.2000

i'm pretty sorry that i haven't updated in so long. in a way it's like the way that i live my life. i have this tendency to just get all involved with some project for a short, but intense period of time, then go into a period of utter apathy. it's my life. relationships, my jobs, hobbies, sports, friendships.... all just like that. i get so involved and really into it, then my interest sort of fizzles, and my life becomes another boring pile of crap. i mean, it's not all bad. i really do enjoy all the things that i get involved in. but it's like i'm a jack of all trades, but master of none. *sigh* what is do become of this life?
 
well, vegas was a lot of fun. i learned how to roll the dice, won a little money, lost a little money, spent a little money, caught a show, attended a wedding.... it was fun. it's such a crazy place, all the glitz, all the money, all the extravagance... and people, lots and lots of people... good-looking people, foreign people, not-so-good-looking people.... strange. all with a hope of getting a little more money.... :-) ironic.

dsf . @ 21:05

6.11.2000

gosh it's been like, what, two weeks?, since i last wrote something there. it's been tough. people dying. people getting sick. people getting old. people having babies. people getting married. people STILL suffering from divorce. me still struggling with the same old sins. *sigh*
 
my friend scott is in vegas now. his grandfather had a stroke and he's gone up to be with the family. this past monday, his father passed away. his dad. our poker night house, a great friend, a baby christian, life-long smoker. he had lung cancer and since february we have watched him grow weaker and weaker until all that was left was a shell of a body that could only lie on the bed and cry out for his son. and we, his children, friends of his son, could only watch and pray.

dsf . @ 13:18

5.25.2000

it's all about trusting in God, i suppose.
 
yesterday was a beautiful day in hawaii. i took her and her sisters around the island in my new truck... we met chiyo for lunch, hung out for a while at shark's cove, drove back to my house in kailua where they cooked dinner for me and stuff. it was sooooo nice to hang out with them! i was so sad when the day was over and i had to take them all home because i just had had so much fun! it makes me wonder if maybe i'm falling for her again, but it seems like that is just another tortuous pain of pain. so i have decided to just turn to God and trust that He's got a wonderful plan for me to be with someone as beautiful and as wonderful as she is.
 
i think that it will be very difficult to find someone who could ever mean as much to me as she does. i feel like my heart heart had grown cold and dead, but now it's alive once again. it's cool and it really does fill me with hope. i do not want this hope to be misplaced, but entrusted to God who will take my heart's desires and conform them to His will then bless me, abundantly.

dsf . @ 13:41