Indexstories
Olive what have
you done?
The touching tail
of a boy and his
dog.
Why Hairless?
What strange
forces could drive
a man to live
among the
Xoloitzcuintli...
compartments
Cartoons
Day to day scriblings of a
perk-perk-perky
sociopath.
Letters
I'd love to hear
from you (almost
as much as I enjoy
looking at pictures
in dermatology
journals).
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Contact
Back from vacation and already sick of work.
9/11/2000 12:06:45 PM
It's the new and improved FatPad™ format. Thanks Mr. T!
7/24/2000 9:24:35 PM
I lost my post before I posted it. Does this happen often? &@%^@ðýÞ·•§¶§*Ò!!!!
I'm down to half-a-cup (see earlier blog) of joe a day. It's not too bad either,except for the uncontrollable bleeding and searing pain. I feel like an avocado that's been left in the fridge for at least a trimester. Maybe you've seen one of these babies, you're cleaning the back shelf when you see it. "When did we have rat last?", you think. It's and easy mistake to make as it's now quite furry. Then the dam thing scurries behind the milk.
I wish I could write more but the caffeine depravation is making it difficult to remember what the symbols on these rows of buttons are for.
7/24/2000 4:29:10 PM
Too weak ...can’t...go on ..........must Blog......
7/21/2000 2:10:47 PM
Word for the day:
scrofulous
From the word scrofula
n. archaic a disease with glandular swellings, prob. a form of tuberculosis. Also called king's evil
Glorious! Disease ridden, nastiness. Don't you just love lanuage? You scrofulous hog!
7/20/2000 2:30:59 PM
Cutting down on coffee. For the last quarter century I have probably drunk enough to keep a small Central American country afloat. I have been accused of being addicted. Let me set the record straight, just because I get cold sweats, shakes, blinding headaches and become severely depressed when I miss one of my many daily cups, does not make me an addict. The real reason I have this strong reaction is because I am in love. Yes I’m finally in love, isn’t it beautiful. It breaks my heart to miss even one cup, one drop, of my sweet brew. These are not withdraw symptoms they are the natural product of having ones soul denied that hot perky beverage called love. Okay, I’m an addict.
I have an extensive collection of espresso makers. It makes it difficult to set things down in my house. Once I made myself espresso from thirteen different machines. I was doubled over in pain, sweaty and my heart was as arithmetic as a white guy playing funk. That was a good morning. I don’t really feel like I’ve had coffee unless I’m hospitalized. Well I’m just not getting the pleasure I once got from my vice of choice, so I’m cutting back. Eventually I’ll go off coffee entirely. For about two weeks then I’ll have a cup and it will be sooo good.
That’s the way I go about addiction management. I’ll drop my dose by half a cup a day for a week this will get me down to about a cup and a half a day. Then I’ll spend the next week watering down one cup until the water wins. Then I’m caffeine free. For a couple of days it’s like having a really bad concussion. Then I start to feel better. I wake up cheery and full of energy, It’s almost like being a morning person (shudder). I’ll stay clean until I can no longer stand myself, One to two weeks. There is a reason for this, There is a reason the saviors and saints fast for forty days. When you take that first sip, it’s like giving God a big wet french kiss. Ah now that’s my idea of a spiritual experience. Let the New Ager’s blow sage smoke and rub Tibetan bells until their chakras dissolve, they will never know the joy of submission to a hot steaming cup of Joe.
7/20/2000 11:13:16 AM
To the individual who called me crude this morning, you are of course right on target. I’m crude, even disgusting and filthy minded. The things that run through my brain could not only curdle milk they could make their own cheese. Maybe it’s because I was born in Wisconsin. Those of you sensitive souls who find my vocabulary a bit too colorful, I’m sorry. I will in the future try to be much much more vulgar. Thank you.
7/19/2000 10:28:28 AM
I'm Whumped! This was one brutal day in the world of liposuction. My boss, who walked out of that great flat expanse known as Seymore Texas and into operating rooms around the globe, has a new product. Perhaps you thought that surgical instruments were created by physicians, engineers, or talented Swiss craftsmen. Most of these devices are not dreamed up by Hans as he sits at his workbench in the Alps, but rather by ugly, hairy, little men, drunk on a golf course somewhere in Alabama. These men play golf with doctors. If a doctor says, “I sure wish I had a better way to pump tumescence into a patients thigh”, one of these little men is certain to take a note. Later he will call up a very sweaty little man in India and say, “Y’all make me a tum-essence pump”, not even knowing what tumescence is. The device is made, and sent to a golf buddy doctor. Usually that same day the device is used. If the patient dies, it’s called a prototype if it works then it’s straight to market. Rather than be bothered by the FDA the device is marketed much like a bong is. That is to say it is sold under the understanding that it be used for smoking tobacco, if you were to smoke anything else in it that is your business. Likewise a vacuum pump for sucking fat might be given a different moniker than what one would expect. Rather than call it a liposuction pump (liposuction being an operation frowned upon by the FDA) it is called an aspirator. It removes aspirant, not nasty fat. If a doctor was to use the said device for liposuction that is his business not ours. My job is to make up positive new names for devices that do terrible things. Today I named a device used to break up connective tissue (I.E. Cellulite). I call it the ARC (short for Advanced Reciprocating Cannula). What this thing does is rip apart asses with pneumatic pumping action. For some reason my boss didn’t like my first name, “The Ass-O-Matic”, too bad.
7/18/2000 5:42:15 PM
I'd like to suggest a new way of dealing with criminality. Rather than throwing people into prisons lets send them to school. Rather than building prisons, schools would be the major growth industry. Sentencing would require the criminal to complete and pass a curriculum set by the state. If you were a bank robber you would have to take and finish a CPA degree program. If you car jacked someone you would be required to take automotive classes and minor in sociology. If you were a serial killer you would be required to get Ph.D.’s in physics, mathematics, psychology, creative writing etc... Maybe a Ph.D. for each person you had killed. The more heinous the crime the higher the grade point average you would have to maintain. Since most criminals are not so bright it would take them quite awhile to get out but they’d have a useful skill when they finally were released. This would create millions jobs for teachers, administrators, counselors and hall monitors. The teaching community would be faced with some real challenges, “Ice-pick”, the creative writing teacher would say,”this story about the thirteen student nurses being horribly slaughtered is well written, but this is a fiction class”...
7/18/2000 11:12:53 AM
7/17/2000 11:27:26 AM
