I've recently begun the journey of healing the wounds of sexual abuse. I need to tell my story. This is it ...
saturday, september 9
How typically me ... I get all involved in this project for a few days, then I seemed to just forget it when something more interesting came along. That's been my pattern for most of my life. Sometimes I am amazed that I managed to get married -- that I was able to stick with (invest in) the relationship long enough for it it happen. It's probably the only good thing I've ever really done. It's not that I don't want to get beyond where I am -- I don't even want to look at where I am! My life is a shambles. In fact, it's such a mess that I can't even begin to look at it closely enough to change it. I'm in debt, afraid to answer the phone, afraid to get excited about anything, afraid to open myself to feeling. I am 1300 miles away from my family and a life time of friends and comfort. I have a few friends here, but no one like a couple of the friends I left behind. I don't know the system, I don't understand the culture, I don't know where to look or who to turn to. I'm afaid to be close to my husband, physically, and yet I long for his soft touches. I don't know how to ask him for what I need, without feeling obligated to "give him" what he needs. And when I am able to be with him, I'm hurt when he enjoys it so much. I am 36 years old, personable, funny, one of the brightest people I know ... There is no good reason for my life to be in this mess!posted by tikvah on 11:06 PM | quote me
monday, august 21
I don't know if having made a commitment to work through this has made a difference, but I feel better than I've felt in a few weeks. Today I felt more in control, more calm, more present. I even did three loads of laundry and washed some dishes! Life is good ...posted by tikvah on 10:28 PM | quote me
saturday, august 19
I don't know how many times I've sat down to write, but nothing comes out. I'm struggling with how to begin my recovery. "Begin where you are," the books say. But I don't even know where I am. I'm living on the edge, emotionally, in a place that must be / cannot be run from. The whirlwind of emotions inside of me is screaming to be acknowledged and released, but the sad truth is that I don't know how to identify many of the emotions -- and I certainly don't know how to experience them.posted by tikvah on 3:04 PM | quote me
tuesday, august 15
There is no good way for me to start this, I only know that I must. This web space will be a place for me to chart my growth, rant and rave, and maybe -- hopefully -- provide comfort to someone else. It may be a few days before this site is really up-and-running, but it will eventually include a daily/near-daily journal of my healing process, links to other resources, and reviews of books I read as I work through my history. To begin my journey, I'll be working through The Courage to Heal and The Courage to Heal Workbook.posted by tikvah on 5:18 PM | quote me