Happy blue. Happy, calming, non-confrontational blue.
Blue shall prevail. All hail blue.


Mad Tom is Currently:

I've been focusing recently in this Blog on "Stupid Things That Are Said or Done on Television". To continue in that leitmotif, in the "What Are the Commercial Copywriters Smoking?" dynamic:

Ford F-150 commercial (talking about them being voted the Such and Such Greatest Car of all time 23 years running): "Do it once, it's a trend." NO IT ISN'T! Twice is the minimum for a trend. Try "Do it once, it's an event. Do it twice, it's a trend." Or, if you ask my Ex, "Do it once, it's a statistical anomaly. Do it twice, it's regular payoffs to Motor Trend magazine."

Oil of Olay: "Makes your skin look like it just had a facial." Which brings to mind images of someone going to work all ligaments and muscles, looking like a Clive Barker character, explaining, "My skin's at a day spa." Skin can't have facials, much in the same way that cars can't have mechanic bills. Try "Makes your skin look like you've had a facial."

posted by Andrew Johnson at 8:52 AM

I went to Tower Records today to buy the new Tractor's CD "Fast Girl". When I asked for the CD, the woman I asked promptly responded, "Hmmm. I thought the only new Country release we had today was Tim McGraw." Judging by their country section (not to mention that they had ordered all of one copy of "Fast Girl") I am truly impressed that she a) knew the Tractors are a Country band and b) remembered that there were any Country releases today. Granted, it took several minutes for her to locate the CD, but that was more of an issue of "let's not put this anywhere where anyone can find it" more than "Who gives a flip about Country music." This is not my reason for writing though.

When I was in the checkout line I noticed a display next to the register. For $4.99 you can buy a pack of N'Sync lip balm. Each pack contains five little tubes (about 1" long and 1" in diameter) of lip balm, each one assigned to a different member of N'Sync and each with a different fruit flavor. First off, do they really think assigning the members of N'Sync their own fruit flavors is a particularly good idea (repressed snort) and second, does Justin mind that he's been assigned Vanilla?

posted by Andrew Johnson at 2:02 PM

The local NBC affiliate did a story last night on the 2000 Census report.

They said: "According to the Census, one in three Californians is now Hispanic."

I was half-expecting them to cut to some guy saying, "I woke up one morning and discovered..."

posted by Andrew Johnson at 9:59 AM

Y'know, McDonald's is running a commercial that's just ANNOYING for two reasons.

1) The song starts with the phrase "Change things up." WHAT PRECISELY DOES "CHANGE THINGS UP" MEAN? Sounds like advice given to a baseball pitcher. Shake things up, change things around! Sheesh.

2) There's a brief clip of a man driving a golf ball off of the ledge of a tall building. So McDonald's = gross endangerment of innocent bystanders. Lovely.

posted by Andrew Johnson at 11:28 PM

Like I said before, I'm on a lot of mailing lists for things I have no interest in. I will never attempt to get off of these lists simply because the stuff I'm getting proves to be good for several chuckles.

Today, I received the new Fuller Brush catalog. For the obsessive-compulsive homemaker in all of us.

Now don't get me wrong; a lot of the things in this catalog would be a great idea for me if a) I had any disposable income and b) I cared enough about toilet bowl cleanliness to scrub it more than twice monthly.

A few things make me chuckle every time I see them: the "We Will Rock You" Taco Bell ad, several of Lisa Simpson's lines, and of course "Nad's". Fuller Brush now sells Nad's. Hee hee. It includes the Nad's skin smoothing lotion. Hee hee. You want a complete hair removal system, get Nad's ::collapses in gales of hysterical laughter:: Those kooky Australians.

I love this one: "Dress up steel doors without tools or drilling. Our molded one-piece Magne Rods are the simplest way to hang curtains on metal doors." Now, while I don't debate that, I have to say that "hanging curtains on a metal door" ranks just below "making potpourri out of Calvin Klein's Obsession and cow's blood" on my list of things to do around the house.

Next, we have "Mary Ellen's 'For Those Days'", which is a blood stain remover which "quickly removes set-in blood and feminine stains." First of all, I'm going to ignore the euphemistic 50's repression going on in the product name. You don't want to talk about menstrual bleeding, fine. But someone please explain what they're getting at with "blood and feminine stains." Is menstrual blood not completely blood and therefore harder to get out of clothing? Or are feminine stains something different, like purse dye? Or is this a product for endocrinologists who accidentally spill progesterone on their lab coats?

Next item: steam iron. Completely innocuous, except for the blurb. "It's got......psss....Steam Heat!" Oh, the self-control those Fuller Brush copy-editors must have. I wouldn't have thought twice about introducing an errant vowel...

Fake Ivy Plants. No problem. Silks are fine with me (although I'd never use them myself). But the thing that gets me is that they use a word not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES: Foilage. Kill me.

posted by Andrew Johnson at 12:01 PM

When I got to the office today, I found a couple of...interesting things...that I got in the mail over the weekend.

Before we get to that, I just want to share a little something. A client asked us to ship things to him using a company called TNT Courier (or something along those lines). I checked the Web and, without noticing, wound up on their Australian website, which included the statement. "Please call your local International Mail Representative for tariff information for heterogeneous mailshots*."

The Heterogeneous Mailshots is the new name of my band.

Anyway, the first interesting item I got in the mail is an offer for "Platinum Mobile Phone Service" (whatever the hell that is). It was from MCI, and they were offering me this ostensibly fabulous deal based on my "superior credit rating". This is from the same company that's currently a little ticked at me for being a teensy bit late paying my long distance bill (read, a couple of months late. I had an unexpected brake job and car break-in.) Either they're disturbingly trusting or the left hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing.

Second interesting...actually more like perplexing...thing. I got a box from Marlboro. Now, I don't smoke. A cigar occasionally, and strictly for...let's call it personal reasons (Guten Morgen, Herr Doktor Freud). As far as I know, I've never indicated to anyone that I smoke cigarettes.

Now normally, this wouldn't be THAT confusing. God knows that I'm probably on any number of direct-mail lists that are swapped and traded in a disgustingly incestuous orgy of...

Do search engines index this Blog?

Uh, sorry. The thing that's truly mystifying is...Marlboro sent me a spoon. It's a cute little spoon, I guess. Red faux wood plastic handle with old-fashioned rivets. Really cute. But what the hell am I going to do with one spoon. I just got an entire flatware set for Christmas. I don't need another freakin' spoon. And anyway, A SPOON?

The ad that accompanies the spoon is for a currently-unscheduled Marlboro chili cook-off. The slogan reads, in its entirety: "Grab your friends, grab your spoon, and get ready to flavor it up." I keep getting this disturbing feeling that this ad is leading up to the introduction of a) chili-flavored cigarettes or b) cigarette-flavored chili.

All in all, I guess it beats yet another Visa card offer.

*By the way, "Heterogeneous Mailshots" is Aussie-speak for mailings consisting of more than one type of item. Watch for our special on VH-1.

posted by Andrew Johnson at 9:57 PM

Welcome back to the Lack-of-Self-Discipline Follies.

It's been a couple of months, but I've been busy.

Quick look at some of Bruce Willis film credits:

-- Twelve Monkeys
-- The Whole Nine Yards
-- The Sixth Sense
-- The Fifth Element
::A subtle pattern emerges::
And finally, the classic Fench film,
-- Un Breakable.

That was beneath me, I know. But it's still an odd little pattern.

I'll be much more ironic next time, I swear.

posted by Andrew Johnson at 10:05 AM