the continuing torture that is my job working with my ex of 11 years

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The dinner party was a success! I did invite Ben, B.'s boyfriend, even though he didn't show up. His loss because the food and wine was tremendous! Jen, Kim's friend was very cute and I did get her number at the end of the evening. B. was a great hostess and I pretty much left her with all the dishes.

The low point in the evening was when I drove home, mostly sober, I ran over some sort of animal, most likely a dog. I feel so bad. The amount of guilt is immense. I am tearing as I write this. I am frankly, surprise at my reaction. I am glad that I can feel this way even though it's very sad. I am somewhat human.

Any day now, the end is coming. My phone was just disconnected. That's all I need now.
posted by lafoto at 1:06 AM

Maybe it won't end in tears. J. seemed ok with it. That's great. I don't mind the free sex. It's great. If anything, I think she's got what it takes to be a great friend. I don't mind the intellectual and physical intimacy, just the emotional. Time will tell.

On the other hand, she did give a quizzical smile before she left tonight. Her username is "briefencounter" afterall. Maybe I won't ever see her again. O well this wouldn't be the first time it's happened. A few months ago, a gal named N. hooked u with me on an internet dating service, spent a night with me in bed, and disappeared from my life. No phone calls, nothing.

I invited Rob and Kim and her friend Jen to a dinner party to be held at B.'s on Monday night. The menu:

Salade avec Roquefort et pommes
Coquilles St. Jacques aux Poireaux
Beouf Bourguignon (Saumon avec Huile de Basilic for Kim since she doesn't eat red meat)
Gāteau de Chocolat Valrohna

I am cooking the Beouf Bourguignon and the Gāteau tonight so I will just have to finish the scallops and the salad tomorrow. Still it's quite an undertaking to cook for 5. I am sorely tempted to invite B.'s boyfriend since I want B. to be comfortable enough so I can ask Jen out or something, who knows. I don't have as much resentment against Ben since he is the second boyfriend and didn't precipitate B. and my breakup. We shall see.
posted by lafoto at 8:57 PM

I didn't quite cut it off completely with J. She seem to get the message and is backing off a bit, peppering her conversations with: "I don't have any expectations with you, everything's a pleasant surprise." I guess that's good. But as we all know: "This will end in tears."

Rob's story is that he hasn't faltered in his fidelity with Kim. That's a good thing, though he says that it's over between them. He just wanted to get her back when she was hinting of leaving. Now he's done with her. Hey, I don't condone his actions but I can't really find fault with them. I just resign to human nature. I am completely capable of the same thing, given the right circumstances.
posted by lafoto at 10:24 PM

Why do I feel like I don't ever want to see J again? I almost feel her tentacles poised. I know she's not the one, she knows she is not the one, how do I let her down gently? I don't find her particularly attractive? Maybe. I have this theory that I once shared with my mom: "Since I was surrounded by attractive faces during my formative years, i.e. my mom and my sister, I can't really have any kind of prolonged relationship with someone I don't find pretty. My father married a pretty woman, why can't I?" At that point my father interjected: "Well, my father married an ugly woman." Way to go dad, bagging on your own mother. He's right though.

So the upshot of it is that J didn't use any protection. What about HIV? What about, more importantly, pregnancy? I think this fact compounds my fears of J. I haven't talked to her in 4 days, much less want to have sex with her again.I know I am going have to let her down easy but fast, before she gets attached. It is after all, the right thing to do...? Yea, the free sex just isn't worth it. At least I know my equipment is in tip top shape and proper working order, I hope just not too well...

Rob's back from Paris. We'd have many stories to share...I wonder if he cheated on Kim already?
posted by lafoto at 11:43 PM

My aching abdomen muscles are a testament to the long gap between sexual daliances. I think it's been about seven months. This morning, I find my mid-section was in knots and sore, like I did a lot of situps. Well, at least I am getting some exercise! I am sure as the comfort level rises I will be able to orgasm and even enjoy it.

Another factor that may contribute to my discomfort maybe the fact that I didn't use any protection with J. Now I did as a gentleman would, and brought along several condoms to J.'s house. However, while in a makeout frenzy, my comment of: "I brought my own." was meet with puzzlement from J. As I was poised and ready to enter, J. still didn't put up resistence or mention anything about condom. I guess living in the moment, I went ahead and did it just the same. I am hoping/assuming that J. has a diaphragm or some type of barrier against pregnancy. But, still, sex without condoms with a relative stranger from the internet is rather unsafe. Now how am I going to broach the subject with her without seeming like an uncaring lout?
posted by lafoto at 12:24 AM