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tuesday, september 18 |
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Still avoid the news for a little while... Do you need to create pdf's on a mac but don't have the money to spend on Adobe stuff? Print to PDF 2.2.5 is a $20 piece of shareware that does the job. It's an extension so you can select it in the chooser and just "print" your pdf. Works like a dream so far. |
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monday, september 17 |
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I decided today that I am just going to work on the house. It will keep me busy. We've got a lot of walls that still need to be textured and painted. We need to get it done anyway. It'll keep me home with family. It'll keep me from compulsive shopping as long as I stick to projects that we need to do. It'll be good. It's a productive diversionary tactic that involves creativity - which has always been a healing thing for me. Work is a little slow - if it stays slow - I may see if I can take a couple days off to just blitz the house. Maybe we need some Keith Haring inspired murals upstairs - his images always make me happy. Or maybe since the weather is cooling I can work in the flower beds. Or maybe it's time for me to tackle that goal of learning how to sew... Creativity is good. |
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Today is going to be a better day. |
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Well, some good news - a site that I designed and built and donated as a freelance project launched last Friday - please check it out. |
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THIS scares me. |
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sunday, september 16 |
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"Senseless acts of violence will do nothing to help our nation heal or bring peace to the victims of the horrific tragedy that occurred this week." Mayor Keno Hawker, Mayor of Mesa, Arizona (article: Indian Immigrant Shot to Death) READ THIS - "To fight evil, we don't have to be evil." article:When terrorists breed hatred among us, they've already won the war |
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I'm not handling this well at all. I am fighting falling into depression. I am feeling guilty - feeling like I am over-reacting. I've had to force myself to do everything this weekend and I haven't been too effective. I started working on a photoessay of last weekend at Fray Day, and couldn't quite finish. I've tried to paint but can't. I've tried to journal on paper and can't. I should probably eat but I'm not really hungry. I don't know how to deal with what I am feeling, partly because I'm not sure of what all I am feeling. I don't know that counseling would be good - no therapist can be objective right now. I don't know... |
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Wow, these images from around the world are very powerful. |
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saturday, september 15 |
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I haven't felt much like writing today. I fell apart at the candle lighting last night - yelled at a whole courtyard of people telling them to "shut up and be silent for just one fucking minute" and sobbed uncontrollably. My heart's too big sometimes and I am such a liberal pacifist... I'm going to go out tonight to be around friends. We'll go see The Gobos at Club Dada in Deep Ellum. Please, if you can, join us my friends. |
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friday, september 14 |
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"Today is going to be about living," Billy says. That sounds like a good idea to me. So I'll work. I'll work on putting together our photos from Fray Day last weekend. I'm going to focus on some positive and hope for some tears of joy. |
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I figured I'd update ya'll on the Dallas area news... NY Relief Fund Gets a Boost from Mark Cuban. I love Mark Cuban - he's a good guy. |
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thursday, september 13 |
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Andre, as usual, put a smile on my face. Read it. Listen to it. It's beautiful. |
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I think it just all really hit me. I've wept. I've cried in silence and alone. I've shut down emotionally in a lot of ways over the past few days - in disbelief and in hopes that I would wake up from this dream, this nightmare. Tonight I sobbed. All of this has been hitting me in little bits. Tonight though, the tears started as I saw Dubyah tear up. The crying continued as I watched the people holding photos of their loved ones while still holding on to hope. The sobbing started at I watched the CEO of Cantor Fitzgerald whose life was saved - he was late to work because he was taking his son to his first day of Kindergarten. He talked about the 250 out of his company that had voted to go back to work, partly because they didn't know what else to do and partly because they wanted to work to support the 700 families in his company that were torn apart. 700 families. I still have moments where it is all surreal. Writing this. Crying. I was listening to Andrei Codrescu in the car on NPR on the way home from work today. He spoke of talking to his family in Romania who had watched on tv and how they expressed their sorrow and sadness and how unbelievable it all is, that they were "waiting for Bruce Willis to run on to the screen and for the movie to be over." There is no Bruce Willis. Codrescu spoke of those of us, myself included, who had been born in the "golden bubble" of the last quarter of the last century. That bubble has burst. Every other living generation has lived through major war - World World 1, World War 2, Viet Nam. The Gulf War, where lives were lost indeed, was much smaller and much less real. My generation was born at the end of Viet Nam or later and we've not seen a large scale war. We've lived in a time where we felt safe - war was the stuff of our parents or grandparents or Speilberg. We had the War on Drugs. We had "Just Say No." Drugs, heh. I spoke to my mom last night. She grew up during the Bay of Pigs and the Cuban Missile Crisis. She grew up in Dallas that was thought to be a target. She grew up at a time when they wore dogtags (with their name, address, blood type, and who to go to if their parents died) to school, when they did duck-and-cover drills, when they kept bottled water and food rations "just in case", when they saw films on how to treat radiation burns. My mom said she's never felt really safe. "And they wondered why we protested the war as we did. And they wondered why so many of us used drugs so heavily." (I'm paraphrasing - forgive me Mom if I misquote.) I haven't known this feeling. War??? NO!!! I just don't want to believe that that is what is coming. I don't want to believe that that is our reality. I don't want to think about fighting some of that here in the US. I don't know what it's like to not feel safe. The closest I've felt to that is when my car was broken into, which now seems just ridiculous. I've been trying to put a finger on what I'm feeling. I'm scared, yes, but it's not so much fear - it's grief. I felt this feeling when my grandmother died. I don't know that I knew anyone that died Tuesday, so I'm not grieving anyone specifically - but it is the same grief. It is the same dull constant ache, both emotional and physical. It is the same empty feeling inside. It is the same stunned numbness. When my grandmother died, I didn't know whether to just stop or to keep moving. I felt as though going on with life was somehow not respecting her memory. I felt guilty for laughing. I felt like I shouldn't sing with a song on the radio. I felt like I shouldn't go out and have a good time. I felt like I shouldn't do anything. I felt paralyzed. Selfishly, I was grieving my loss because that was all I knew to grieve. It's the same thing. It's the same feeling. It's pain. But what is my loss? Am I just grieving my loss this time? Is it a loss of security? A loss of innocence? Do I feel that much empathy for the families that have been shattered? Am I being selfish for feeling this way? What is this? What is this feeling? Why? Eventually, I kept going with my life after my grandmother. I moved on, justifying it as "she would've wanted me to". I know we have to keep going I know we have to go on - it just all seems so silly and ludicrous. And at the same time - everything seems so important. EVERYTHING is important. Everything has changed - maybe not the day to day. Maybe I'll still be making banner ads and designing web pages and forgetting toilet paper at the grocery store. Maybe Ben will still need help with homework, the yard will still need mowing and the cat box will still need cleaning. But you can't tell me it hasn't changed your view on things. Everything FEELS different. I feel that hug from my son deeper than I ever have. I hear "I love you" from Billy with more meaning and conviction than ever. I am thankful that I woke up this morning. It's not important because we have to "show those bastards they can't wear us down." That's bullshit. Maybe for a few brief moments the talk of revenge and retaliation was comforting - now it just makes me sick. What good will it do? I know we have to "show that terrorism won't be tolerated." I know that we have to "show that we are strong and that we won't be broken." How is perpetuating the violence going to make it end? We don't even know who to go after. And when we go after someone there is no way to make sure that we don't take out more innocent life - life that is no less valuable. People are important whether they are in Afghanistan or Brooklyn, Iraq or Arlington. It is not my job to decide who is worthy of living and dammit - I don't want that job - I don't want any part of it. I don't want any part of "acceptable losses." Isn't more important to show the world that we are UNITED? That we will pull together in love and support? Maybe I have taken my life and my family and my freedom for granted. Maybe we all have - I can't speak for everyone. So yes, there is fear that I am feeling too. I shuddered when I heard F-16s fly over my office. I am scared of war and what that might mean. I am scared of more attacks. I am scared of what kind of world my son will have to grow up in. I am scared. I am scared of what fear is doing to people, inside of people, and the hatred that can bring - the abuse and racism that is being directed toward Arab Americans and anyone of darker complexion. It's all so fucked up. ALL Americans suffered a great loss. ALL OF US. Hell, it's beyond that, humanity suffered a great loss. We cannot act out of fear against each other. We cannot let hate fuel us. We just can't dammit! As soon as we let hate take over, there will be no room for hope. I still have hope. I have to be hopeful. I have to hope that this world will be one that I want my son to grow up in. I can't let go of hope. I can't let go of love. I have a phenomenal amount of love in my heart for everyone and for the world. I'm going to let that love fill me up and overflow so that there isn't any room left for anger or hatred. I am angry that I have to check if people are okay. I'm angry that I have to think about war. I'm angry that things are so uncertain. But it's all just anger because there isn't any other word I can think of for it. I am angry that there has been killing in the name of God, Allah, or whatever name you give to a higher power. Yes, that has gone on for centuries. Maybe some will call me naive - but I don't believe in that God. My faith is strong, unbroken yet unchanged. I have not had some epiphany that has brought me to any new conclusions. I still believe as I have. I think that belief is what allows me to be hopeful and to still be able to feel the love I do. I believe in a God that is loving and forgiving. I don't believe that God wills this on any of us. I don't believe She/He chose this for us. I believe that God gave us free will. I belive that God will be the ultimate judge. There was a song or maybe just a live recording by the band James several years ago. I don't know the name of it, but I had written down the lyrics - they impacted me then. You have to read them all because some of it is in a very sarcastic tone... I speak in the name of God. I speak in the name of that white-haired old man in a cloud. Oh, He's a man, dispensing lightning justice from his fingertips. He's always watching you - every move you make, every time you step out of line. He is watching you. He is watching you like some big MI5 boss, like some big angry father. Well, I don't believe in that kind of God. I don't believe in that kind of stern, guilty man. Why not a woman? How do you know when you are being spoken to by God? Does God have a big badge across his chest that says "God"? 'Cause it could be somebody else in disguise. Because when you look at the churches who claim divine inspiration; and you look at the murder that goes on in the name of God; and you look at the money demanded in the name of God; and you look at all the atrocities that have gone on in the name of God in history. Then it makes you wonder about the nature of God. Or it makes you wonder about the people who claim to speak intimately with God. Maybe they're just, maybe they're just, maybe they're just after power. Or maybe they're just after your belief. Is Heaven full of these self-righteous bigots? Of all these babbling creatures? If it's so, I know where I'd rather be. I'd rather be away from this cacophony. Away from this cacophony. Away from this cacophony, cacophony... |
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Candle Lighting - PLEASE participate The message: WE STAND UNITED - WE WILL NOT TOLERATE TERRORISM. I'll be at The Londoner in Addison - I'll take candles to (not so) happy hour, you are welcome to join me. |
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Many people are feeling angry. Sorrow gets my vote. |
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wednesday, september 12 |
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Did Nostradamus Predict the Tragedy? No (not as the email is circulated). I've seen the Nostradamus email and Bible scripture emails and all kinds of "signs" foretelling this event or the end of the world. Normally, I'd shake my head and say that all this is ridiculous - I still think that - but I understand. We are all trying to make sense out of this when there is no sense to be made. There will be no satisfactory answer to the question why. |
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The morning after, I'm still numb. Here's a few ways to help - |
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It's nearly 3 am and I'm tired - but I have no idea how I will be able to sleep. The reporters keep asking questions like: "when do you expect things to return to normal?" Normal? What's normal? We have to completely redefine normal after today. It still hasn't completely hit me. I wish that I was typing in some horrible dream, a dream that I could wake up from and be sitting on the back porch in the morning smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee with Billy saying, "geez, I had the shittiest dream last night..." |
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tuesday, september 11 |
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"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" - Ghandi |
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I am not going to get much work done today - I'll take personal hours. I still have to make some banner ads - who gives a fuck about banner ads any more? I'll do it - it's something to do it's some normalcy when nothing else is. I am going to pick Ben up from school a little early. I doubt anyone will get much else done today. The whole world has changed, everything has changed. It's a scary day. I just cannot believe that this is happening. It's erie outside - not a single plane in the sky. I didn't realize how much they were there until they aren't. Selfishly, I am SO glad Billy wasn't travelling today. My heart and prayers go out to all of those who lost family and friends. I's so hard to comprehend I cannot say much more than that. When I picked up Ben from school, I would look over at other drivers and exchange a glance and knew that they were thinking the same thing. When I stopped at 7-11 everyone was quiet except some asshole in line ahead of me asking the girl behind the counter where she was from. She replied "Ethiopia" and he made some remark like, "Oh well, good thing - it wasn't *your* people." I preferred the silence. I'm hearing the word "war" on TV and I don't like it. I don't want it. What will it solve? Yes, initial gut reation may be revenge, but a few hours later - what will it solve? No good can come of this. "God Bless America" was just sung on CNN and it just makes me cry. Running commentary as the day unfolded is here. |
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This isn't real. This isn't happening. I can't believe it. |
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Holy fuck! The World Trade Center was hit in a terrorist attack. I'd link you to a news story but all the news sites seem to be slammed and I can't get through. Two big jets flew into the towers separately. It looks like something out of a movie, definitely not like anything real. And now there are reports of an explosion or fire at the Pentagon. A plane hit the Pentagon. There's a fire across the river on the Washington Mall... All take-offs and landings of US Aircraft have been halted. Whoever is doing this has just ground the FAA to a halt. This is big - this is not good. Oh my God. This is scary. What next? And was this a sick joke about the US emergency response system? Today is 9-11. |
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monday, september 10 |
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We have a company dinner tonight, that I am getting ready to head out the door to. Some of the higher-ups are in town. I'm nervous. They wouldn't take us out to dinner to lay us off would they? UPDATE - Nah, they take you out to dinner to tell you that you are doing a good job. Wow. |
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How you can help - Food Pantries are Running Low. Next time you go to the grocery store, pick up something extra and drop it by your local food bank. |
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I came across an interesting take of Fray Day 5 SF and it made me a little sad. That whole A-List phenomena was talked about a lot after sxsw01 and it was a little disturbing to see that it's still happening. A lot of people got their feelings really hurt. I just more felt like it was a sad thing for the people that isolated themselves - they missed out on meeting a lot of really neat people. I don't think the Austin crowd was like that at all or at least it didn't seem to be. We had no A-List or B-List. If anyone was standoffish at all it was pre-stage jitters or the damnable tres humid sticky heat. Or the weird effect the stage and mic had that made you instantly forget exactly half of what you meant to say at any given time leaving you hoping that you hadn't said the wrong half. I know sometimes I come across wrong. I'm very shy when I first meet people. I have to force myself to be open and talk. If I know at least some of a group in a new group, I can giggle my way through things, but I still have some idiot moments. If I'm alone in a new group, yikes! If I clam up - it's not that I am stuck up - I'm just scared. Talking in front of a group on stage though doesn't general bother me - it's weird I know. In fact, I wasn't nervous at all about Fray until I got a beautiful name badge with "Jessica Featured Performer" on it. That's when I freaked. That's when all of my story that was in my head flew out my ears. I got through it okay - and at some point I'll transfer the full version from my head to the screen for you all to read. It WAS fun and I will do it again next year. Although somewhere in the evening, because of the heat or my back or not eating enough I got dizzy, very dizzy. It was an extremely disturbing feeling. It felt like the backwards spins you get sometimes when you've had too much to drink. Only I hadn't been drinking anything but water and iced tea after dinner at 5. If I'd been drinking, I could have dealt with it better. Instead, towards the end of Saturday night, I was just kind of spinningly catatonic and prob not a whole lot of fun to be around. |
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Cats are fine by themselves for a couple days, but ours always get a little schitzy when we go out of town. So we're sitting on the couch last night, vegging, tired from the weekend and George, my little tabby cat girl, was on my lap. I moved my foot and knocked something over and she launched, off me and across Billy, full claws. Later in the evening, keep in mind we are still zoned out tired, George returns to the couch and decides to plant herself on Billy's lap, to which he replied, "Oh no, I don't want you. You go away. You've already carved me up like a damn salad. Erm, steak." How exactly DO you carve a salad Billy? |
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Jish uses the word "fantabulous" too. Fantabulous is a wondiferous word. |
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sunday, september 9 |
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Fray Day Weekend was absolutely AMAZING - it was all that I had hoped it to be and more. I AM glad to be home though (I'm tired - yah, I'm a wimp, I admit it). Tonight, I can't write much, but I have to say... THANK YOU - BIG HUGE THANK YOU to Michael (and his lovely wife Ari) and Amanda for all of their hard work, support and love that made Fray Day 5 Austin Style a fantabulous evening/weekend that I will cherish. And thank you Derek for having the vision to create Fray in the first place - it IS a community. Yes, as bloggers do, we documented. Billy and I will get our pictures up soon. Billy and I met, re-met, hugged, laughed with, drank with, got to know better, and will miss some terrific people like (in no particular order)... Amanda, Michael and Ari (as thanked above), Sarah, Kevin, Jeff, Alison, Shaun, Tony, Hanh, Leia, Julie, Tim, Mark, Erica, Dave, Matt, Elizabeth, and please forgive me if I left anyone off... Thank you everyone for the great stories and magical memories. Now I REALLY can't wait for sxsw. Register BEFORE September 21 to get the cheapest rate. |
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friday, september 7 |
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I am antsy. I am ready to get on the road. I am looking forward to seeing everyone. I am so happy that I get to share this experience with my fiance and best friend Billy. This is sooooo cool - Fray Day is like a little mid-year fix between sxsw's. This is going to be SO great. I am happy to say I've |
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thursday, september 6 |
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Tomorrow is Friday. Saturday is Fray Day. I can't believe it. This week has crawled and flown all at the same time - weird. It's been a fairly productive week, which is good. Other good stuff today... Hee hee - "Trudeau takes full responsibility, acknowledging the use of fictional material from an outside source instead of simply making it up as he usually does," the site says. "The creator deeply apologizes for unsettling anyone who was under the impression that the president is, in fact, quite intelligent." And Morpheus found a song that I hadn't thought about in a long while: Warm Leatherette. |
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wednesday, september 5 |
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To this, I exclaimed, "Ah chickens!" What would I do without Billy, spotter of poultry? |
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What are the Dallas folks up to other than getting ready for Fray Day or The Gobos this weekend? I dig Erica's the new do. There are a ton more Dallas bloggers, check 'em out at dfwblogs.com. |
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Okay - you readers and terrific people out there have been tremendous. When I have a problem, need a driver, whatever - you are right there with support, downloads, and happy thoughts. Well, here's a biggie that I am asking for help on. My step dad is out of work. He was laid off from his job as a webmaster several months ago - so many months ago that the unemployment has run out. This wouldn't be a big deal, but he didn't get a great severence package like some lay-offs. I have three teenage sisters that all live at home. And my mom is an educator on an educator's small salary. She is currently supporting the family of five and the mortgage payment, medical expenses, yadda, yadda, yadda. If ANYONE has ANY leads for a webmaster in the Dallas area, please help. You can check out his resume or shoot him an email. My family and I would really appreciate it! |
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Woah, this was close to home (by geographic proximity, not for any other reason). And YIKES, this was too close to work (by geographic proximity, and just because it's scary). |
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Billy made me this great cd to listen to in the car. It's got music from some of my favorite movies like Fight Club, Fifth Element, and American Beauty. I listened to it on the way in to the office this morning and knew - I want to be a race car driver when I grow up. I love dancing that beautifully choreographed dance - right foot, left foot, right hand, right foot, head thrown back into the seat, eyes darting back and forth, watching the tac needle rise and fall, anticipating the others' moves, feeling the pull of the curve. It's almost as effortless as breathing and (almost) as exhilarating as sex. Too bad there's a speed limit. One day, I may do it. One day you may see me on the Nascar circuit. Dreams are good. Daydreams are great. One day... |
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Life is okay. I'm in pain, but I think that it's more that I am fighting off being sick and less just my back - I'm just achey. The weather is not helping - it's rainy. We needed the rain, but it's been days of it now and it's getting a little old. Kinda dreary yah know? Work has been steady, which makes the time fly. All in all life ain't bad, just a little dull. Dull is okay, really. Screw that - I'm sugar coating it. I feel like a fool for going off on my whole soapbox about chiropractic. I KNOW that it works - I've felt it work. But this time is a little/lot slower than before. I HURT. We've jostled everything. My tense muscles are even more tense because they just want to stay where they were. I know that after a few more visits, things should feel a lot better, but it's getting expensive fast and *my* insurance doesn't cover anything, and my polyanna complex is starting to fade. I hate to complain so much, but this kind of pain is rather consuming. I've been crying at the drop of a hat - it sucks. I hate not being able to fully function. There is shit that I'm not getting done and that is depressing. I don't know that surgery is the answer, but going to my medical doctor, my internist, for an Rx of muscle relaxers is starting to sound like a good idea. Okay - I've done my venting. Enough. Next! |
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Time is weird stuff. I was looking at a clock to see if it was time for a conference call when I realized my cell phone says it's 2:31 pm. My computer says it's 2:34 pm. My desk phone says it's 7:46 am. One of these things is not like the others... |
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tuesday, september 4 |
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Cool stuff - a paint that makes your walls magnetic. It's a little pricey - but you could do just a square on the wall, paint it a different color then nail up moulding around it like a frame. Imagine magnetic poetry on the wall! |
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The weekend for the most part was a waste. Chiropractic is good, but when ou start back up - be prepared to schedule your follow-ups right after. I couldn't - it was a three day holiday weekend. We stirred the beast in my neck and I was out all weekend. All I did mostly was lay on the couch on an ice pack. I'm still hurting. I have an appointment this afternoon - yeah! Back and neck pain are the worst. Everything is connected t oyour back, EVERYTHING and you feel it when it's not operating properly. We did take Ben to a birthday party that he was invited to at an arcade where all games cost a nickle or mutiples thereof. So a game that costs 6 nickles is still only 30˘. Quite a bargain. We did go out to our friends' family's ranch. Ben got to see and pet the horses and all the dogs. He loved it, I think, because he was asking to spend the night out there - we'll do that another time. But today is Monday, of sorts. I'm going to prop myself up with an ice pack and an Icy Hot patch and get to work. Work doesn't always wait. It could - but I don't want to get behind. My theory for the whole weekend, in going out to the ranch and such, is that right now, I am going to hurt no matter where I am. I cannot wait until this afternoon. That doc appoinment is going to be great. |
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