I'll be starting a new job in a new city soon, so I'll probably be putting this on hold while I move and get into the flow of things - but there's only about 8 zillion other blogs you can visit in the meantime :)

posted on Tuesday, April 03, 2001

So I'm standing on a street corner yesterday and this youthful clean-cut guy stops his bike and darts up to me to strike up a glib conversation about where I'm from, etc. As I leave he quickly gets to the point of his feverish friendliness and asks for spare change, but I'm already half way across the street. I felt like saying, "Listen dude, if you want people to give you money for nothing, exchange the bike for a crutch, get yourself a sign that says 'I have extreme Vietmam crotch lice. God bless', make yourself look about 20 years older, and mumble every other word. As it stands now, looking like a perfectly healthy individual who speaks like a game-show host, you're just way overqualified to be a panhandler."

posted on Sunday, March 25, 2001

Here's a guy who claims to be the "Website Doctor" and will fix your web site for a fee. Naturally his own site has a host of problems from cheesy clip art to obvious grammatical errors (see how many you can find). Doctor, fix thyself.

posted on Friday, March 16, 2001

So I open up the local newspaper, and there's a page with all these pictorial personal announcements - weddings, births, bar mitzahs, whatever. My question is, except for those who actually know these people, who gives a shit? I mean, does anyone look at these things on a regular basis and go, "Hey, Teresa Williams is getting married, I don't know who the hell she is, but gosh that's great to know! I can't wait to see the next installment of this feature next week ... maybe they'll have pictures of couples that just got divorced!" It kind of reminds me of school yearbooks, where the richest asshole in the school always had 8 full-page ads in the back paid for by his parents. And there was always that dopey text: "We know you'll do great things in life son, because we've already made the necessary arrangements." No one really cared to see this kid, but those parents had to make sure the whole school flipped past his face over and over. Having said that, what do you think of my picture on my home page???

posted on Thursday, March 15, 2001

So a sales guy calls today asking for Frank Pennetti, and I use my usual tactic of just saying "Frank's not here. Can I take a message?" (that way I find out if it's a sales person without having to listen to their entire sales pitch.) Then telemarketer boy says "No, it's just a courtesy call," and I always feel like saying, "Thank you, that's very thoughtful. Let me reciprocate with a courtesy hang-up." They all use that stupid line and it's always sounds so phony. What exactly is courteous about interrupting my dinner to sell me some phone service I don't want anyway? Isn't a courtesy something you're supposed to enjoy receiving?

posted on Saturday, March 10, 2001

Extreme foreplay (or four-by-four-play, I should say): Here's a type of three-way sex you never want to get yourself into.

posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2001

I think the only reason I keep this site up is because sometimes after a really crappy day, I get a few nice words in an e-mail from somebody, and I have hope for another day: "Mr. Pennetti: Hello, this is Aundrea Love again. Sorry it took so long to let you know how your piece "God's Second Book" went over in the Cal State Hayward University competition I performed it in...you'll be pleased to know that the performance took first place! In one of the rounds, two of the three judges were laughing so hard they started crying and the third judge was gesturing to me to stop because her stomach was cramping. So that should let you know what an absolute genius you are when it comes to comedic writing. I also did the piece at a competition in Idaho.... the only reason I did not get into the finals was because one judge was personally offended by "the mixture of God and swearing"....prude. I performed it for my mother (my father is a pastor) and my mom even got a kick out of it. Some people don't know when to lighten up. Anyhow, thanks again, I will let you know what happens in future competitions. Sincerely, Aundrea M. Love" And thank you Aundrea, and, dare I say it ... God bless you.

posted on Monday, March 05, 2001

The latest spam scam to hit my inbox: "Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities based on your present knowledge and life experience. No required tests, classes, books, or interviews. Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD) diplomas available in the field of your choice. No one is turned down." Hey, a diploma with no tests, classes or books - it's not just for athletes anymore! What's a "prestigious non-accredited" university anyway? It's kind of like bragging that you went to an Ivy-League community college.

posted on Sunday, February 25, 2001

A visitor to my site told me she writes her own comedy, so I told her to try making her own website. In an hour or so she had this thing up. I feel like I'm starting a pyramid scheme of sarcasm or something. This weekend while cleaning, I must have found at least 4 or 5 really cheap radios in my closet that people had given me ages ago as gifts. One's a sport-walkman-looking thing (a "sport" model in electronics just means it's covered in extra bright gaudy yellow plastic instead of the ordinary black). There's the one shaped like a little computer with two dials for volume and station tuning. I guess I'm supposed to put it next to my real computer. Sure, that's why I bought the Creative Soundworks PC audio card with the big bass thingie on the floor, so I can get my music fix from an 8-dollar transistor radio. Electronics are one of those things that if you're going to buy as a gift, please don't get it from a drugstore as an impulse buy with your mouthwash. It's just wrong.

posted on Monday, February 19, 2001

The owner of this site dropped by to chat with me on ICQ. Have a visit if you like.

posted on Wednesday, February 14, 2001

It's been at least several months since a really bad movie has been released that's based on a recurring Saturday Night Live sketch. The film industry needs to get it together and put one out. May I suggest "Al Gore: He's No Longer Running For President But Boy That Guy Who Plays Him Sure Is Funny."

posted on Wednesday, February 14, 2001

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All the crazy material on this page is by Frank Pennetti (even the stupid ads below),
except for that blogger graphic.
All rights reserved, except the one to bear arms.
That one I could give a shit about. More lunacy at Frankly Speaking.