8.1.2001
just looking from above and waving an arm. things are always better left unsaid. there are things in this world you can live without. anything is artistic after being glorified enough. my ambition will kill me one day too spikes and chains through the eyes. mind numbed through lonliness and anger. it's dry and death, unless you've got someone holding your hand. This way, he figured he wouldn’t be robbed of anything. No feeling of loss. No deficit burning at the back of his skull. He has many things and didn’t use them. This theory was maybe applied gradually. He didn’t care. To him, this was life and this is all there is. Just get by, just move forward, and don’t let anything drag behind you. This is the reason he doesn’t enjoy being tied to a computer to write this. This is the reason for manual effort. Being stuck in one place will only put one place in your work. He likes to move around, and therefore so does his work. Who needs anything when you’ve got friends? Who needs friends when you’ve got yourself? Who needs yourself when you’ve got imagination? And so on. This is bread and water. This is a simplified life that is far too complex. This is frustration with myself. No loose ends, no regret, no self fulfillment, no finish line. nothing ever goes wrong in my life smash me the drink in my hand and the cigarette on my lips grinding black gears
always wrong.
2:09:36 AM
o
oh yes. i CAN remember the last time i felt like this.
it's all very fucking familiar.
i'm sinking and she ain't coming with me.
goodbye. (i can barely see her now through the surface)
1:21:50 AM
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5.26.2001
"three ways". fingers outstretched, he was waiting.
the wind blew some of my hair up and then back down to my ear.
i closed my eyes, and pretended to be alone. after a silence that
felt longer than time itself. i spoke. my lips moved but i do not know what i said.
eyes still closed. i wanted to hug myself. i could still see his stare. so thirsty.
and then it was over.
3:25:32 PM
o
where would i be? i'm still here
i am a part of nothing. one huge organism that moves forward, appendages flailing.
i am one of those appendages - without me, it would still move forward
without me, i would be left behind.
sometimes you can be a part of something without ever mattering.
sometimes you can just go away, and nobody will notice.
3:20:55 PM
o
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1.23.2001
(it's always been too cold to make any progress down here)
2:17:13 PM
o
i remember. this is the age of addictions.
2:15:29 PM
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1.19.2001
icarus did not fail
he flew higher than anyone ever dared
saw more than we ever will
1:18:51 AM
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1.17.2001
it's nice to be alive again. it's nice to be found, out there. that desert. that dry, unforgiving, scorched place. there was someone else there all along.
1:56:42 AM
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12.21.2000
suicide
11:54:55 AM
o
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12.10.2000
Horrible and understated. His eyebrows rose higher than any bird in the sky. If you actually could talk to me… what exactly would you say? I am that man you used to know. If you look deep you can still see the tip of me, just an edge or so. But isn’t that how it always was? I was never fully there, even as a child. Even in love with you. I was only ever part of a man.
2:28:21 AM
o
I want to play as hard as I used to. I get so tired these days. The view is always the same, I can’t breathe.
2:27:38 AM
o
He always tried to carry the bread and water theory through everything he did. Every moral and ethical decision. Every turn and twist in his life.
2:26:32 AM
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12.9.2000
(i drew you a picture)
3:07:47 AM
o
these seem drab times for both of us now. i know what's wrong with you. but i don't have the slightest fuck what's happening with myself. it's so horrible having some kind of monster in you. depriving me of balance. conducting chemical experiments in my broken brain. leaving me withered, useless, fragile, stubborn, drive-less and below the below. look for no cause other than physical human error - something my life has been all too familiar with already. no need to add another official diagnosis to the stack, doctor. i can figure out for myself that no person should be forced to muddle through this much emotional frustration. no person should be left alone without root to his pain, without stable remedy. i don't know what to do. never a week in my life has gone by without being affected. i swing from self-hating to self-saintliness. suicidal to homicidal. catatonic to gregarious. all of these with attached frustration, driving the feeling crashing inwards unto itself, with me reaping the end result. sigh. all i seek is genuine happiness.
3:05:18 AM
o
head high, or face dragging: you're still moving forward.
3:03:53 AM
o
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11.29.2000
plane crashes and car wrecks and smashed friendships
(the words i'm about to tell you are going to hurt for a very long time)
9:52:24 PM
inside and out. i wish i had the courage
6:18:01 PM
o
so here i am.
in a place thats alone, by myself
a drink warming my insides and
my outsides still cold as always
thinking about jumping
thinking about leaving
it's difficult to breathe and i learn new and painful things each day
each day that i put it off.
what on earth gets better than this?
6:16:33 PM
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11.26.2000
one boy is singled out. one boy takes his fall. sometimes he notices things around never change. inside or inside? circles shape and blue creases. can't stop. nobody ever writes back.
11:37:51 PM
o
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11.24.2000
i don't know what
to say. for so long
he can't understand you
with that
mask
on his face. venting
his breath and tubes
out behind his back.
so long, so long has he been off track.
and grease on the neck
(he forgets why)
systematic rising and falling of the chest
clicks and hiss, he can't
remember what it was
like to be alive
2:12:02 PM
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