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. . . 5:31:10 AM // Mizerable; Gackt I haven't cried for more than a year. Nobody has seen me crying for about 6 years. And nobody never asked me to cry if needed. Since early childhood, I knew crying as a weakness only. I hate the feeling of crying. I hate the 'aftermath'. I guess I should set 'NO CRYING' as a new goal to my life. I should stop this story of a woe.
. . . 5:13:57 AM // Uncertain Memory: Instrumental + Normal; Gackt I should do homework.. I shouldn't be here, typing.. But there is something on my mind that.. that makes me to protest against school. I realize that if I won't study, I will only make things worse for myself; but I just .. just can't help it. You do know how I love music, right? How I love Japanese as a language, how I love this country's culture?.. How I love art, writing... And how I love my family. The last one, however, doesn't cooperate with all the previously mentioned things. Sure, I suppose they support me. Just think about the amount of finances they give every month for all of that. But .. financial, material support isn't the most important thing. My parents are so business-inclined, they forget about other sides of the subject. My grandmother, she loves me. But I think she doesn't have enough faith in me. I don't know what I made in the past that made her become so paranoid when it comes to me.. Probably she still views me as a child. Of course, she always will. But although I'm not a completely composed, mature individual yet, I'm still an individual. If they will keep forcing their decisions on me, I'll never learn how to be on my own. Besides, their enforcement never works; I'm too stubborn to accept what they advice. Especially when their advices hurt me. Yes, I had yet another 'discussion' on the topic of my schedule today. With mother and grandmother. They went .. hysteric. When I tried to be calm. And I was. I only hit the walls in the corridor when I was slowly, slowly and calmly, walking to my room after that 'disput'. And even when I slammed the door after me, it wasn't my fault. It was wind from the balcony. I was calmer than ever. And it's a bad sign. Because this means that I have this reserved anger in me. I'm going to remember it for a long time. If you read all the long posts that I type, then you probably noticed that I adore my music classes. I don't even consider them 'classes', because I enjoy them very much. When I tried to explain myself today, I wasn't able to find words to describe what music means to me, because .. because there are no words. Music is me, music is my life, damn it all to hell. I never told that to grandmother and mother. I never will. Because they call it 'silliness'. My life is silliness. It's nice, isn't it? I had such a boost of 'self-confidence' after this talk. I'm not going to make it, I started too late, I should forget about it and concentrate on other things, I wouldn't move to Japan, I wouldn't ever learn Japanese, I haven't the talent for art. I feel like I'm on top of the world. DO THEY WANT ME TO BECOME A MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE!? DO THEY WANT ME TO SPEAK RUSSIAN AND ROMANIAN ONLY!? DO THEY WANT ME TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE IN THIS HELLHOLE CALLED MOLDOVA?! DO THEY WANT ME TO BECOME YET ANOTHER STATISTICAL CLERK?! TO GIVE UP ON ALL THE FUCKING GOALS IN LIFE THAT I HAVE SET TO MYSELF?! ARE THEY ME?! HOW CAN THEY BE SO SURE THAT I WILL NEVER MAKE IT?! Fuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckit. I don't like having the feeling of angst. Especially toward my family. I hate sounding like a woe. I am not a woe. I will fucking finish this damn high school WITHOUT ANY COMPLAIN coming from my mouth. I WILL NOT admit that I'm tired and stressed, that money isn't the only thing I want from them. I WILL NOT ask for their help when I'll be on my own. I WILL PROVE THEM WRONG. I CAN make it. I will be what I want to be. All their tries to discourage me, they won't work. Won'twon'twon'twon'twon'twon'twon't. Why am I so angsty..? I get agitated so easily when it comes to the things I love... Silliness. My life is silly. I feel awfully proud right now. All the raving didn't help. I am in no mood for homework. Stupid poems about nature and love. Give me Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. I want to read that again. Over and over and over again. Fuck it. I'm in a bad mood. I hate you all.
. . . 9:10:39 AM // Nine Spiral; Gackt
.. Speaking of alarm clocks.. My grandmother has this habit of sneaking into my room, and setting my alarm to a later time, or just turning it off when it plays. ¬_¬; She doesn't think that I should sacrifice sleeping. :P Humdeedum.. There was something else I wanted to say... o_O;; Whatever, no time, no time, must runnn!!!~ *RRRRUUUUUUNNNNNSSSSSSSSS* "... korosarete..." Ehehehehe.. XP
. . . 9:05:51 AM // Leeca; Gackt
You know, it is funny how the mind of a creative individual works. XP Or of any individual for that matter, but I'm talking about creative ones here, so bah.. Whatever. As always, I'mma no make sense. Not to offend the optimistic artists here and there, but I believe that the person who is always happy with their creations .. isn't a true artist. To evolve, artist should notice all the possible 'failures' in their creations, and then work on making them better. Only that way the artist can truly .. develop. Then again, excessive pessimism over your own creations leads you to the lack of practicing {'Why bother, I'll fail anyway'}, and that doesn't help your work at all. I say that I'm not good at drawing. I say that I'm not good at writing, at webdesigning, at singing, at playing violin and piano, at this and that... Note: 'not good'. I try not to say I'm bad at it. And if you think that I'll stop practicing just because of one of my weird-o mood swings, then think again. If all the thoughts that I have during mood swings were to be realized, then my ISP would be erased from the face of earth by a mysterious 'big boom', Zorg would turn into a wrecked piece of metal after falling off the balcony,.. and... and I wouldn't be alive anymore. :P I never 'diss' my creations for attention, or to provoke compliments. I am just very self-critical. Compliments don't change my opinion on my own creation. Even if some well-known mangaka would look through my sketchbooks, and tell me that they like my work... I'd be flattered, of course. But that wouldn't change my opinion. From three sketchbooks that I finished over the past month, there are only 6-8 drawings that I consider worth mentioning. :P From all the things that I wrote in the past month, there are only two-three paragraphs that I consider to be decent. From all the layouts I made in the past month, there is no layout that I consider to be good. :P Anyway, so let me end this little story of a woe, and move onto something different... ... I have piano soon. In fact, I must leave in 20 minutes. Yukinon sacrificed two hours of her sleep, just to practice more before she leaves. But alas, her family doesn't want to sacrifice sleeping for music. :P Such woe. -_-; And I'm so sleepy, too. _-_; My tries, all a waste. Upon returning home, I shall have to concentrate on my homework. This is sad, because I've been strangely inspired to work on sites lately. But, work wins. -_-; I have a lot of assignments that I should do.. Or probably.. Probably I'll go to bed the moment I get home, then spend the night working... We shall see~... Ugh, so sleepy. ;.;
. . . 3:16:21 AM // For Real; Saiyuki COLD. I just took shower. x.x;;; *sits and shivers* Anyway, I'm gonna go blog at Egads! or something; it feels like everyone there is in a zombie state all over again. -_-;
. . . 4:47:43 PM // Vanilla; Gackt
I have a violin piece to memorize..? Ye~s. Have I practiced it throughout da week? No~. I give a damn..? Ye~s. Am I going to go and practice it now? No~. Such a perfect umm.. philosophy?... theory..? Way of dealing with things, whatever. :P *stretches and yawns* I had seminar, had Japanese lesson, had Romanian lesson. Now. I must have yet another cup of coffee, wash my face with cold water, try to memorize at least the first two lines of that violin piece in .. *checks* 30 minutes... and escape the anger of Botov-sensei. x.x; I annoy him by calling him Botov-sensei. XD!! Meh: "Konnichiwa, Botov-sensei! Genki desu ka."
Ahh, I love my music school. :P It has a very .. suicidal atmosphere, though.. x.x;; I have a feeling that I'm the only 'genki' person there. I can't help it. Whenever I enter the walls of music school, I become what .. what I really am? o.O; Crazy, off-the-wall, random person, that doesn't make sense most of the time. :P I scare the hell out of my Solfeggio teacher on every lesson. She plays some piece, and I'm supposed to write it down in notes. I can sing it correctly, just the way she played it, but I can't, just CAN'T write it in notes. I'm evil that way. So, I look at the walls, and wallpapers have flowers pictured on them. So I go like, 'Ahh.. maybe flowers will tell me..? What do you think, flowers? Huh? Huh huh huh? O.O;;;!!!! TELL MEEE!!!!" Of course, she looks at me like I've just escaped a mental facility of some kind, but what the hell? >P!! I don't expect that flowers will talk back to me, I just talk to flowers. At least all my insanity makes these people smile. It makes them relatively happy for at least some short minute. This is what I need. Woo. :P I'm so wonderful. >P It's good that these people understand that I do it just to get rid of this overly serious / dark atmosphere. It shouldn't be that way. Music should move people, should guide them, if you wish. But NOT keep them down, whatever is your definition of the word 'down'. I don't make sense, whatever. :P So yeah.. My school is suicidal... I should take some pictures. .. SO!~ Where was I... Oh yeah.. Coffee, water, practice. OFFFFFF I GOOOOO!!!!~ *feels like she's high, really o_O* Then again, maybe not. How do people feel when they are high? Hmm.. Hmm.. hmmhmmhmmmmmmmmmmm..... HMM!!~ *disappears* " .. motto .. fukaku ..." .. o.O;
. . . 9:08:21 PM // Papa Lapped A Pap Lopped; Gackt
Lucifer is playing with my toy monkey. BTW, I haven't named this monkey yet.. And I haven't named the camel either. And this bear, too.. This is strange, because I have this weird tendency naming everything around me. If something isn't named, it just doesn't seem right. Only Elvis and Aoi-chan have their names... Other ones are nameless. Oh, and I'm talking about my stuffed animals. :P I have this weird-ass love for cellphones. I adore them. If I had enough money, I'd start collecting them. Right now, I have this Motorola one in front of me; father asked me to charge it. It's not mine, I dunno whose it is. It's just here, and as long as it's here, I'm going to enjoy its company. I love pronouncing 'Motorola'. Motorora, motolola.. motolora... Ever since childhood, I was never able to pronounce 'r' or 'l' correctly. It's a weird mix of r+l, and it helps greatly in Japanese. :P Tralala, trarara, tlalala. >P But, it doesn't help in Russian one bit. But back to the topic of cellphones, no matter how much I love them, I hate them too. You know, it is just very .. distracting. When you walk peacefully, enjoying the sight of the dirty Moldovan streets, breathing fresh gasoline, and listening to people's profound speeches in a weird mixture of Russian and Romanian, with Odessa-like accent, and then RRRRIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGGGG the thing goes. My cellphone is dead at the moment, though. I've been having some problems with it, so papa took the poor thing {named Pikachu for no reason, btw} away, and people found some .. micro-crack... {?} in it. :P So, yeah, Yukinon be cellphone-less. She has to run all around the street, to find the tax-phone / card-phone every time she wants to make a call. For some reason, these are rare in Moldova. So she has to run a lot. Ahwell, running helps lose some weight. I sound like I'm high or something. o_O; I'm not. I haven't had any coffee or tea or chocolate either. And no energy drinks. I guess I'm just high on life. I feel so good. Sososoososososososooooooooooooooooooooooo GOOD. For some .. very .. faint reason. I just do. It's been a wonder day. Yeah, A Wonder Day. I had fun at Japanese, I had fun walking from Japanese to music school. I had fun exchanging a couple of words with my Violin teacher about tomorrow's practice, I had fun at Solfeggio. I had fun walking home, saying 'bye' to my parents when they left to this wedding thingy, had fun eating a piece of cabbage pie, and am having fun typing this random sheit. My parents are so popular. They are invited to all the parties / celebrations / special occasions. Woo, go my parents. It's almost 21:30, I came home about 1:30 ago. Shamis is sitting right beside my right hand, and doesn't let me move my wrist freely, so I have troubles typing. But I love Shamis, so I won't kick him off the desk. Besides, he just ran away. Today, I finally decided that I'll live in Japan when I'll grow up. Or am I already grown up? Or shall I forever be a child? Nobody knows, but Japan is my destination. I just noticed that my alarm clock is dead. No, it's not. Woo. Joy. What else.. I think I'll go get some sleep now. Sleep is good. From time to time. Whee~... I want to draw a rose. And to write about roses. And to take a photograph, and plant them, and sniff them, and just look at them and enjoy the view. Why am I talking about this..? o_O; WOOGIE WOOGIE!!! XD XD XD!!!
. . . 12:02:44 PM // Mizerable; Gackt
My aunt has just visited. Haven't seen her in eternity, but can't say I was really pleased to see her. x.x; I don't like relatives. :P I love them, as long as they stay far away from me. _-_ Mu haha, I'm done with cataloging all the music CDs. And I finally put them next to my music center, instead of karaoke mixer, that wasn't even plugged. _-_; The karaoke thingamagema is now packed and is right beside my shelves.. The shelves were reorganized, too. I finally found a place for my textbooks in my room. AND~! a place for all my Japan-related books on my corridor shelves, very close to my room. XD I rule. Now, what else do I need to organize / clean.. Desk, comp desk, wardrobe, all the other CDs, tapes, cassettes {whatever shall I do to them..}, books, notebooks, .. and all the other crap that I have in my room. ~_~;;;; I sincerely hope I'll finish it this weekend. o_O;
. . . 8:57:55 AM // I Was Hoping; Alanis Morisette
My Japanese teacher is organizing a seminar-like thingy. Every Saturday, a group of people will get together to learn / discuss Japanese culture. x.x; I wanted to attend a lecture or two, just to know what it's like. But I guess I won't be able to do that. Because I have Romanian on that time.. and after that, I have regular Japanese lesson, and after that, I have violin.. So, I should either move Romanian to an earlier time, and my family will kill me, or to a later time, and my family will kill me all over again. -_-; Lessee.. The seminar thingy starts at .. 11. I have Romanian at 10, till 11:30. Around 12, I have Japanese. It ends at 14. After that, I have Violin.. at 15. I guess. I have yet to confirm that. So, I'm home at around 16:15.. If I'll place Romanian at 9, then I will end at 10:30.. So, I'll have time to get to Japanese without being late... But I will be murdered by mama and papa, who prefer to sleep during Saturdays; by grandmother, who follows parents' tradition; by brother, who will be forced to have Romanian earlier too {he has his lesson right after me}, and he prefers to sleep too.. So, probably I have no choice, but to .. not attend seminars. -_- But my teacher asked me to. -.-; She keeps saying that I'm one of her best students. And it makes me feel really bad, because I've been neglecting Japanese so. ;.; Woe is me..~ Oh, and I finished that Y!2 bottle. I still haven't forgotten about that idea of mine. The world is doomed. :P
. . . 8:14:24 AM // That I Would Be Good; Alanis Morisette
You know, I noticed that I keep losing my hair. Not that I'm going bald.. But sometimes I begin to have this feeling. I keep questioning grandmother and mother, whether they notice any bald spots, or whether my hair became thinner... But they say that it's the complete opposite, that my hair looks much better than it was about a month ago.. And this is when I started .. 'losing' it. My grandmother says that it's like .. 'changing'. That it happens about every 7-8 years or so. o_O I sincerely hope that this is the case. My hair, my pride and joy.. the only part of my image that I love. x.x; *consumes vitamins in 'elephant' doses*
. . . 7:48:46 AM // Symphony No. 5 in C Minor; Beethoven
.. On the other hand, I think I can get used to this skipping school 'business'. _-_ Not really. I don't like to be .. out of things that happen around me. :P I must know everything, and be everywhere, and just stay up-to-date and informed. Yeah. I just realized that I need a site to work on. Some new project.. Something that would probably make me to gather some inspiration. For a while now, I wanted to make a site to Japan and its aspects, aka culture, language, people... But this would be .. funny. -_-; I mean, I'm not Japanese. -.- And I've never been to Japan. -_-;; So there is no .. first-hand experience. -.-;;;; So woeful. :P But knowing me, I'll come up with something. Nothing will stop me!!~ *is determined* ... *is still determined* If this determination will last for more than ten hours, then the project will be up sooner or later. If I'll forget about it after I am done drinking this bottle of Y!2, then you can forget about it too. :P There was something else I wanted to say.. hmm... *drinks yoghurt and tries to recall*
. . . 9:00:20 PM // The Joshua Tree CD; U2
You know what I like? Hourglass. The flowing sand, it's so fascinating... It truly symbolizes the expression 'time flows'... Through my eyes, anyway. I just found my hourglass, the one that parents brought me from their trip to Transilvania a couple of years ago. Here is a picture that shows a part of it. I took it.. not now, using my friendly webcam. :P Yeah, you are all very interested in it. ¬_¬;
. . . 8:04:29 PM // Mutter CD; Rammstein
Woo, I'm in the process of cleaning my room. Hopefully this time, I'll manage to accomplish this .. goal. -.- I've been trying to reorganize everything for a huge while now.. Today, I finally catalogued most of my CDs.. Only classical and ones that I don't listen to are left. I also moved them off my computer desk. Yukinon needs this thingy for CDs, whatever it's called. Also, I moved all the books that I wasn't reading now to the library, digged through my .. 'jewel case' .. and anime things. x_X; Mostly BSSM, with an occasional Pokemon and DBZ here and there. I'm so blasphemous. :P Humdeedum.. What else... I wonder what should I do to cassettes.. I don't listen to them nowadays, and I have a lot.. Probably the cleverest thing will be to throw them all away, but for some reason, I can't do such a thing. Probably has to do with me being an obsessive-compulsive little freak. :P Fedya's teacher came today, for his private lessons. She told me that everyone in Petrovsky wants me to .. return..? o_O Bahh. _-_; It's been less than a week. :P They can't miss me that much. I'm not that special. Ahahah.. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;; Whatever shall I do now. x.x
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