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| you are here: shellen.com / taylor / | September 18, 2001 |
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Wednesday, August 15, 2001
My Son the Poo Cannon On Monday morning my beautiful five-month old baby woke up at 5:30. This is pretty standard behavior for the boy. He generally wakes up, eats a little, gets his diaper changed by dad, then eats some more and goes back to sleep for a while. As I am holding both of his legs up with one hand and positioning the fresh diaper with the other hand, Jack fires a solid stream of liquid baby poo right at me. I attempt to catch the projectile dookie in the diaper that I’m holding, but I really just form a kind of “poo ramp” enabling the airborne fecal matter to get just enough distance to hit me in the stomach and cover the front of my boxers. I proceeded to clean up the mess while Jack sat looking very satisfied. That night I was reminiscing with Theresa about my trouble with Jack’s butt and she informed me that he had barfed into her shirt that afternoon. We had just put Jack to bed and as usual had spent the entire evening playing with him and saying things like, “Oh, sweet wittle baby, what a wittle cutie wootie pie”, amongst a whole host of other highly embarrassing things that I’d rather not document. And it occurred to me then that if anyone else on this planet had taken a crap on me and blew chunks on my wife, that we would be assembling a lynch mob and contacting a guy named Guido who “knows a guy”. Man I wish I were still a baby. Thursday, June 21, 2001 Father’s Day or Taylor Gets a New Holiday I used to view Father’s Day as another opportunity to wander around the mall looking for some lame gift for my Dad, but it appears that I have finally passed the torch. That’s not to say that I don’t have to get my Dad a present anymore, or even that 3 month old Jack is old enough to wander the malls of this great nation (or wander at all really). But it was a nice little addition to my list of days that people are required to give me things. I took Jack for his very first swim in the morning, (he seemed to dig it) and later that day we met my family at the beach. Jack seemed to enjoy his first true beach experience. I made sure that he got a little salt water on his skin and some sand between his toes. I’m hoping that it seeps into his bloodstream like it did with me. Anyway, Jack crapped up the back of his diaper in appreciation so I think that we can safely say that he is a fan the beach, (that's sort of his only trick right now so I'll just have to assume that it's an act of appreciation). On a sort of related note, I went surfing on Tuesday night with my friends Ross and Erin and my brother Jason. When we got out of the water my sister -in-law (but even if it wasn’t in-law I’d still want her as a sister) Allison commented to me, “It’s really easy to tell which one is you out there, where you stand up you look like a cute little monkey.” What?! I look like a cute little monkey when I surf? Don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of the monkey. I would even say that the monkey is my favorite animal, I might agree that I slightly resemble one. But not when I’m surfing for the love of god! I want to hear, “Taylor, it was really easy to pick you out among the group of surfers because you so clearly dominate. Your style transcends all that is cool, you remind me of a cross between Kelly Slater and the Greek god Poseidon. You rip.” But no, I look like a cute little monkey. Could this be why I’m not sponsored? Tuesday, May 15, 2001 Remember me! Or Look who remembered how to type! Hello. Yes it has been a while. I've been a little busy lately. To check out my latest project you can click here. That's right kids, I'm someone’s' dad. Frightening! There is actually a human being living on this earth right now that I am totally responsible for. I think we're doing a pretty good job so far. Jack had his first trip to Santa Cruz on Sunday, and I’m happy to say that he was introduced to the Pacific Ocean at Pleasure Point, one of his Dad’s favorite surf spots. I think next week I’m going to teach him how to surf! Wednesday, October 25, 2000 I Guess a Month and a Half Is a Little Long to Wait Between Posts Ok, my fans have been writing me e-mails saying things like, "Taylor, you haven't updated your site in a long time. What's the matter?" and, "Gee, I really miss reading your silly anecdotes and witty comments." and the occasional "The other inmates and I are going to start killing guards if you don't post nude photos of yourself soon." So, in order to prevent another tragedy, I am returning to the my site. Unfortunately, nothing very funny has happened lately, with the exception of the telephone call I recieved yesterday morning that went like this. (ring, ring) Me- "Good morning, this is Taylor." Dude on phone- "Hi, this is Dick Johnson with Swinerton & Walberg Construction." Me- (long pause trying to figure out which one of my brothers was messing with me, but then realizing that they probably would have used an imaginary construction company instead of a real one) "Uh.... hi, Dick." (stifled laughter) Dude on phone- "Yeah, I need a blah blah blah......" Me-(thinking) "Did this dude's parents hate him or what?" So that's pretty much it for the funny anecdotes for now. I'll try to generate some more for future posts. White Trash and Surfing I took a couple of days off recently to go surf with some old lifeguard friends of mine. We drove south on 101 until we arrived at Morro Rock, Phil wanted to park the busses on some random street and ignore the "NO CAMPING WITHIN CITY LIMITS" signs, but the rest of us convinced him that the seventeen dollars a night at Morro Bay State Park (split 6 ways) would be less of a hassle (did he think we were going to start a campfire on the sidewalk)? After a hairy trip to Albertsons, (Mike tried to Hail Mary pass a bottle of mustard to me, but wound up breaking the aisle 6 sign and knocking shampoo bottles across the store), we set up camp next to Captain Camaro, his 19 year old wife/girlfriend/sister and their 8 boys all named Damien and under the age of 7. This was the most annoying group of people that have ever walked on God's green earth, however, they did provide us with much comic delight throughout the trip. We woke up each morning to the sounds of the 8 little demons running around in the dirt trying to catch birds (for supper I presume), and picking fights with the children in the neighboring campsites. We got the hell out of there as fast as we could to catch the tide at it's best and scored a full day of glassy, peeling surf. There was a large pod of dolpfins that swam two feet in front of our noses, lots of seals, and more pelicans than I've ever seen before. Pelicans are nuts, those things were diving all around us, I thought I was in Nam. The next morning we were enjoying a cup of coffee before breaking up camp when the distinctive odor of burning rope wafted into our campsite, that's right, Ma and Pa white trash were lovingly sharing a breakfast spliff while the children were playing with sharpened sticks in the still warm coals from the night before. Nothing like a little "wake 'n' bake" to take the edge off of a high stress camping trip with the octuplets. We left this time with the unbeatable feeling that we may never again encounter this family. The surf was even better than the day before, we surfed for a couple of hours (in spite of the screams of my muscles to cease the endless torture) had some lunch and headed home just in time to get stuck in some heinous Friday evening Labor Day weekend traffic. Thursday, August 24, 2000 Scoundrel I too was disgusted and amazed when Richard was awarded the One Million Dollars. How could the others let that happen? That guy's a weasel. Has anyone else heard the rumor that he was arrested recently on child abuse charges? Kelly was the only one out of the final four that I would have wanted to see the money go to. And what's up with Sue? Holy possesed by Satan. What a freak. I've decided that I will watch the next Survivor in the begining of the series while everyone is still being nice to one another. I'll find something better to do when they start to get sneaky and vote off all of the really nice people (ie. Greg, Grechen, etc.) just because they know that a jury of their peers would clearly see through their own conniving behavior. Wednesday, August 23, 2000 I Saw Dolphins This Morning And You Didn't I woke up far too early this morning to drive for an hour in the dark to go surf with my friends. When I arrived at oh so foggy Sand Dollar Beach I was treated to views of a pod of dolphins (at least I think they were dolphins) making their way south along the coast. While we were in the water, two of them returned to see what we were up to. A little later a sea otter showed up and chilled with us too. Also, the surf was chest to head high, glassy, and beautiful. Did I mention that it was just Phil, Ross, and I with not another soul in the water, just three friends chatting in between sets? What did you do before work today? |
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