[ Friday, October 20, 2000 ] .: 12:15:19 PM :. today she has made me so happy and right now i can not stop smiling. =)
[ Tuesday, September 5, 2000 ] .: 8:36:31 PM :. im back... for month i havent written about how i feel but today i am back. it is not that i have stopped thinking about her, but rather i was thinking too much about her. when she is on my mind, there is nothing else... i can not think, i can not focus, i have nothing else on my mind but thoughts of her. i could not allow myself to write about her, but i did find reason to write to her. i found courage from the following poem...
[ Sunday, July 30, 2000 ] .: 5:08:25 PM :. i see her online all the time. in fact, as i write this she is online. i sign on everyday just so i can be happy inside seeing her name highlighted on my buddylist. yes, i am pathetic, but i dont care. i want to talk to her. i want to click on her name. i want to tell her how much i think of her. why is it that i am reduced to sitting here so longingly, staring at her screen name? but i am so afraid. i have this fear that she will not respond... that she will ignore me... that i will see the little door next to her name slam shut... i dont want that to happen, but im afraid it will.
[ Friday, July 28, 2000 ] .: 6:16:40 AM :. i wrote to her last night. in all this time i have been scared to write her. i have not written her in so long because i was scared of how she would react. she made it clear that she did not want to be bothered. her last words to me were 'take care of yourself'. those were not words i wanted to hear, they are words of goodbye and i dont want to say goodbye. but in a way i feel brave. i didnt say goodbye.
[ Wednesday, July 26, 2000 ] .: 1:58:25 AM :. i wish so much to know how she is. to hear comfort in her her voice, to see peace in her face, and to know that she is happy. she is so close to my heart and always in my mind... but i fear that i am no longer close to her or in her mind. it is a dreadful feeling, this fear.
[ Monday, July 24, 2000 ] .: 4:26:46 PM :. why is it that when i am alone, i am so at ease... but when i am with her i am not? it is so easy for me to be here right now writing these feelings i have for her, but so difficult for me to be standing there, telling her these things. she waited,... and i hesitated... never once in my mind did i doubt how i feel about her, but at the same time, never once did i say to her how i feel. no, i take that back... i am wrong... i did tell her. i told her i how i felt, but by that time it was already too late. she had stopped waiting.
[ Sunday, July 23, 2000 ] .: 2:23:54 PM :. disappointment... i was so focused on my own disappointment that i failed to realize that it was i, who was disappointing her. in feeling sorry for myself, my selfish pride kept me from that one thing i desperately wanted. i still want it. i want it so badly. however, wanting and not having... this is the disappointment that i face each day. but i will never feel pity for myself ever again, because sadly, this disappointment is just deserved.
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