Saturday, January 06, 2001
I'm home. ^^ *!! is tonight... Tony is supposed to be there. Xak's going too. 5 hours until it starts.... I made my stupid angel-wing shirt and it looks SO goofy, but that's kind of the point, I guess. ^^ I should go start getting ready. At least the internet's back up... now I have something to do to distract me from sadness. (You know, the usual "I'm so sad that I'm not in Houston anymore" thing.) Mmmwa to all. Sorry this is so short. You know me, I'm a bastard like that. ^_^
happy meter time is 1/6/2001 03:28:47 PM
Time's come for me to leave again. I'll only be gone a week and a half, and once or twice while I'm there I'll try to post to my blog here so you guys can know what's going on. ^^ Mmmwa.He'll be here in 6 hours. Why do I feel sick?
happy meter time is 12/18/2000 06:14:55 AM
Laura sent me a lot of really beautiful songs. Now I have happy music, finally. It's about time, ne? ^^Up at 3 PM again. I should be flogged with a herring.
Not much to say, really... I am the walrus. Koo-koo-ka-choo.
happy meter time is 12/17/2000 04:04:14 PM
Okay, so I'm awake at 6 am when I swore I'd get normal sleep. But Ja-chan was online, and I missed talking to him all day. ;_;Andrea's still pushing the "don't judge me" point, yet she comes to my house practically brain-dead spouting off what she thinks are deep thoughts, but are just the same clever things she's always said... although somewhat jumbled and less quickly said. -_-;; She doesn't get that she looks like a total idiot. It's not that I think what she's doing is stupid - it's that I think she looks stupid when she's doing it. We went out to eat... dad gave me money for doing the dishes so much lately and that made me happy. I don't mind not getting allowance (I AM 18 after all), but I feel kind of guilty. He didn't have to give me money (I didn't ask for it) but I guess he wants to push that "see, hard work pays off" point to me a little more. ^^ Point made. ^^ I even tipped the waiter. Maybe now he won't think we're such cheapskates.
Hopefully James can come and get me in a day-and-a-half or sometime soon like that. ^^ I'm really, really excited. Whee.
And I guess now (since I'm still up and it's 6 am) I'm gonna go take a shower and wash my hair, then get dressed (haha, I'll be dressed by 6:45 am.. on a Saturday. How crazy am I?), then go wash the dishes and wait for Dad to get up so that we can run and do the laundry, and when we finish doing that I'm going to get my hair cut. ^_^ Whee! I wonder how I'll do it... I'll just do like always and decide at the last minute.
happy meter time is 12/16/2000 05:52:58 AM
What a retarded day. >_< I guess I could write on my novel.
happy meter time is 12/14/2000 11:39:21 PM
This morning, before I'd slept, I had to start writing. I got up and did the dishes (dragging all the way, I was soooo tired) and then I sat down at my computer. This was 9 AM. I wrote until noon and then I couldn't keep my eyes open. I wake up to find 5 chapters of some random novel that I started. It's really ... really cool. ^_^I told my Dad about it, and he loves hearing me tell him that I've been writing. I think he's always wanted me to be a writer, but I don't think I have the patience for that career. It's nice to write once in a while, though.
I'm so glad I didn't get enough sleep. Now I really want to go to bed, and if I can just keep myself up for a couple more hours, I can go to sleep around ten o'clock and get a normal sleeping schedule arranged with myself. ^_^
Now, if you'll excuse me, my novel is screaming at me again. *kicks it* Shaddup. *goes back to writing*
happy meter time is 12/14/2000 08:14:00 PM
I got online and was pretty lonely. Andrea's really heavy into drugs all of the sudden. My one friend and all she cares about is having no-doz to crumble and sniff, and taking her prescription medication in LARGE doses, and if we go to any more raves she won't want to dance like me -- she'll just want to find some E and she'll end up in the hospital or worse.Ja-chan said that she'll just have to learn the hard way. ;_; I don't want her to learn the hard way... le sigh.
I'll be gone in a few days, and she'll probably just go downhill. But even if I was here, she'd do it anyway. There isn't much -- well, anything -- that I can do other than hope and pray.
So why am I happy? I guess I've just come to terms with things I can't help, ne? Ah well. 4 more days until I see Ja-chan and get out of this cold, self-righteous little town. xoxoxo.
happy meter time is 12/14/2000 02:51:16 AM
The leaves look like frosted flakes. ^^No, seriously... we got a sweet little ice drizzle and now there are icicles on everything, and the leaves are all crunchy with ice, and they look like frosted flakes. Mmmm, I'm making myself hungry =9 Ja-chan says I should eat more, and Layne just about beat me over the head with a herring when I told her my eating schedule. When I get to Houston, Ja-chan will feed me obsessively, I'm sure. ^^ Mm, frosted flakes! Crunchcrunch. ^_~
happy meter time is 12/13/2000 06:48:07 AM
the faerie talethis is the part with the want and the wait
the slowing of clock and pounding of heart
desire longs to be free, and her faerie tale begins
(it's on its way)
and the world starts spinning faster as he arrives
turning the page and the page is in the open
you can always read it again
'cause when it's over it's not over
no, not by far
filtering the sunlight with the rain
it's coming out right
it's all making sense now
nothing to come between us
nothing to end the dream
my coach is still glass and it'll stay that way12.13.00
happy meter time is 12/13/2000 06:41:06 AM
I don't know why I'm writing this... it's not like anyone who gives a flying fuck reads it anyway.
I just got out of the shower. My ears are burning like they always do. I'm pondering whether I should go to sleep, or stay up like I've been doing and go to sleep in the early morning, and sleep all day.
James had game tonight. He sent me a message saying he'd try to be online after game, but what a surprise, no James. Oh well. I could stay up and wait for him all pitiful-like, but I'm just going to stay up and play games and talk to my friends. My friends are the ones who are up all night with me - layne, Chrissy, Van, Adam, and Lexi.
I just..... I dunno, this routine's getting old. 5 days until he gets here. At least, that's the plan. But when has "the plan" ever followed through with him?
happy meter time is 12/13/2000 02:56:19 AM
I didn't sleep quite so late today, but Ja-chan isn't online. I wanted to send him the new clip Seiya-kun and I did. I did both the voices for Tin Nyanko and Lead Crow. It's pretty funny... I guess I only like VAing for him right now. -_-;;Seiya-kun's package came today. 3 Sailormoon posters (my room will suck so much less now, thank you SO much, Seiya-kun), the Sailormoon R movie (dubbed, heh, which is something I hadn't seen yet), eps. 1-4 subbed, and Sailormoon SuperS dubbed (which is something I own subbed, but I haven't seen it dubbed yet ^^). At least I have something to DO now. Something to give my life a little more substance. And something to annoy Andrea with. "Let's go to your house and watch DUBBED Sailormoon!" "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
12 days. Yes, I'm counting down, back off. *heheh* 12 days until he gets here and saves me from my currently monotonous life.
I can't wait to show him Excel Saga and Kodomo no Omocha. My two favorite anime, and most people haven't seen them. Isn't that funny? Never thought I'd be the type to favor two rather obscure anime. I'm listening to "Ai Sincere Heart" which is the opening for Excel Saga. If I can stop being pissed at the cosplay world for 2 seconds, I can daydream about cosplaying Hyatt, but... for now I'll just say she's my favorite. ^^
A stuffed Menchi. I want a stuffed Menchi. He's the cutest dog in ANY anime, no contest. "My emergency food supply, MENCHI!"
I can't believe I'm discussing X-Men with Erynne. Hehehe. I still haven't seen it. My dad actually WANTS to rent it this weekend. Go fig.
I have absolutely nothing to say. Go fig^2. I guess I'll bail now.
happy meter time is 12/6/2000 04:23:19 PM
The anime world is bullshit.*cough* Other than that, I'm peachy. Everyone's asking "did something happen, Mandy?" "what happened?" "what made you decide this?" But nothing happened. I'm just tired of the asanine excuses spilling from people who don't know their asses from their left elbows, and who live their lives wallowing in a community that doesn't truly exist.
Everyone cycles through it. It's like high school. You think it's so scary and mystical, then you get involved and it's your entire life, and then you're out of it and you look back wondering why the hell you ever found wonder in it in the first place, and you're SO ready to move on.
I am. ^^
James has been dragging his crew around Houston looking for my engagement ring. I always thought the whole ring-a-ling-thing is a big load of shit, just like I always followed Andi in the "marriage is a fascist institution" meandering, but now that I'm faced with it I've chosen to dive in head-first. I guess I'm just sick of the world. I want to hole up in a new apartment and clean all day and obsess over James and not give a flying fuck that anyone else in the world exists, because I'm tired of being hurt by everyone in the world. Yeah, he hurts me too, but I need him so much that I forgive him.
Trish and I are a lot alike in that respect, I guess. But he's trying.
*!! is on Jan. 6 and I'm going to be here for it. Ferngully Zak keeps pushing me to roll with him but I stand firm on my "decision" not to do drugs. Fuck that, it's not a decision, I'm not making some historic stand against chemical mind alteration, I just don't feel like falling on my face in front of a bunch of people not knowing which are happy and which aren't. I want assurance that someone's going to pick me up, and there's no assurance at *!!.
I'm bailing now, this whole scene's got me wired on not-happy.
happy meter time is 12/5/2000 10:36:22 PM
Okay, so Andi and I did the chips and salsa thing at TaMolly's again. (Eventually they're going to start recognizing us and be like "NO! The chips and salsa chicas! Don't let them in! No no!" Heh.It's cold. Like, really cold. You don't realize how cold you can get until your letter jacket gets stolen. >_< Gahhh. I e*mailed Ferngully Zak (hehe, my nickname for the guy we met at lovEnergy) and told him about what happened and he agreed that that whole biz was total crap. I hope he can make it to *!! (ASTERIKexclamation II) on Jan. 6, it's going to be perfection cubed.
And I'm a MUD dork now. Ja-chan made Trent teach me the basics and I've started on this game called Medievia. I feel so newbie-ish. But this game has been around for 9 years, can you believe that? 9 whole years! I wish I could start a project that lasted that long. Solia doesn't count. Its only fans are Tom and Meg, and they're not right in the head.
*dodges flying bottles and cans*
Mi-chan and me didn't really work out. It's okay... I guess she's just having problems and needed me to lean on. That's all right. She's still being sweet enough to host my site, which is more than I could have asked for. She doesn't have to host it if she doesn't want to... like, if it makes her feel better, I'll move it, but somehow I don't guess now is a good time to bring up material things like that, you know?
I've been bad, gotten on bad sleeping hours. Sleep all day, work all night. I feel like a bat. ...that's a first. =)
COLD!!!!!! *cough cough* Everyone's sick lately. It's not cool. Looking forward to *!! early next year... I just hope I can afford to get there. ^_~
happy meter time is 12/3/2000 09:42:36 PM
Last night I went to my first rave. I wish I could say that what happened after it was over scared me and upset me so much that I couldn't enjoy myself, but let's face it... that's just not true. ^_^ I realized things could have been EVERsomuchworse and I can't sit around feeling sorry for myself after having so much fun in one night. Don't worry, I know you're confused - just listen and you'll see what I mean. ^^It felt like we'd been driving forever. Even the people at the event dropped their jaws when they heard we'd come 2 hours just for this event. I guess smalltown people don't come to Nuline events very often. ^_^ Andi and I knew we were looking for trouble, never having driven to Dallas on our own before. It was supa cold out, and our directions were practically in code. (Illegal rave... make sense?) We were eternally lost on the way there, and only by five or six strokes of luck and directional instinct did we finally show up at the warehouse where the event was taking place. It had started at 9 and we knew it'd be open 'til 4 am, so we hadn't been in any rush, but we didn't get there until midnight.
We sat in the parking lot for a few minutes, redoing the glitter, and I felt so-sick-to-my-stomach nervous. I looked around at the other cars... they'd encouraged carpooling, so there weren't a whole lot of cars, which was why we'd passed this place up earlier in the trip. We'd driven forever after that and had decided to come back and check it out. ^_^
We got out and I prayed that they'd let me in without an ID. I hate cars (and after last night I hate them even more >_<), so I don't drive. And since I'm too lazy to just get a legal ID, I never have one on me. We started walking around and we could hear the music shaking the walls of the warehouse.
I shrieked with happiness and jumped up and down when I could finally hear it... I saw a small line down the way and we started in that direction, excitement making our hearts jump. The whole thing was SO well hidden, we'd almost not been able to find it even though we could hear the music. We finally got in the line and when it was our turn to get our hands marked, I put on my cute voice and explained that we'd carpooled like they'd asked (sucking up) and that that meant I hadn't brought my driver's license with me. The guys sitting and standing around the little table laughed and said they didn't care, and for us to go on in.
$15 each. I'll have to remember to thank Andrea for that much, on top of everything else. We walked in and felt kind of stupid... the room wasn't as full as we expected, but we later realized that it was because a small crowd was divided into the two rooms they had the warehouse separated in, and at that time, most of the crowd was in the other room.
We sat down at first, on the floor (even that felt exciting... you just can't do that anywhere else, just randomly sit down on the floor in a public place ^_~), and took inventory. We'd brought water and glosticks. Très conservative. I shouted over the music how cute it was that Nuline was doing this rave for a charity and Andi nodded and we looked around before standing up and meekly approaching the dancefloor.
It was now that I realized that everyone is a crappy dancer. It doesn't *matter* at a rave. You dance however you want to, and everyone dances differently... but dancing at a rave is so much more about dancing with yourself, not with other people. You do your own thing, you let your eyes close, you let the music take over your whole body and you feel like a changed person. It was so wonderful. I'm so shy around people in social situations but within minutes I was completely lost in my dancing.
It must've been two hours that we danced, without stopping, before I finally got a little tired and wanted to sit down for a minute. We'd been talking off and on with a couple of people on the dance floor, Dawn and Zak, who I assumed were friends. ^^ Dawn ran up and shook hands with us and we exchanged names and she kept dancing... Zak would randomly make comments to Andi and me while we were dancing. When we went to go sit down, take a few drinks of water, and chill out, Zak came with us and sat down. We talked for about 15 minutes and he asked us to go to the back room and talk. I didn't know what the back room was but keeping myself on guard, we went back (through the other room, and that room was pumping with jungle sounds that I would have liked to sample if I had had the patience for the crowd that we had to push through) to the other room. I discovered that it was mostly staff hanging out in the well-lit, badly furnished back room, and Zak, Andi, and I stood around telling jokes, talking about anime, and getting to know each other. We even got offered some Valium. *rofl* ...and we were like "no thanks, that's cool". (I was having far too much fun to fuck it up with chemicals, thank you. ^^) After a while I told them I wanted to go back and dance, and so we went back. (The path back to the room was much less well-lit, since I'd put up the pretty pink glostick, so we were tripping over things and trying not to look stupid. ^^)
We danced a little while longer. I was just really enjoying myself, despite the fact that there were SOME people at this rave that just didn't know p*l*u*r and pushed through us to get to the other side, and had sour looks on their faces, etc... people like that are just *dying* to rain on your parade any chance they get. After another hour I started getting a serious pain in my stomach (I'm out of shape ^^ but more dancing will help!) and so did Andi, so we told Zak we were gonna call it a night. We thought it was 3 am but it turned out only to be 2:00 am... but despite that we missed out on two more hours of dancing (which my body wouldn't have been able to handle anyway), I'm glad we left when we did, because we had a long, LONG drive ahead of us.
We came out to the car and two guys gave us fliers to two prototype one events for early next year. The fliers are super cute and they're up on my wall now. (One of the events is in the Bronco Bowl on Jan. 6 next year and it sounds FAR too sweet to pass up. I've GOT to drag James along with me, too.) We approached Andi's car and got in, excited, trying to calm down.
It was then that I noticed a tinkling sound when I shut the door. It's funny how you barely notice a big pile of broken glass in a car seat. I looked back at the rear passenger side window and stood still, my heart leaping into my throat in anger. "Andi... the window."
She didn't seem to know what I was saying, as she looked back and looked around... it's actually quite hard to notice a broken window when you're so hyped up and don't know what to expect. We didn't notice the rock that the punks had broken the window WITH until we'd already started driving. They'd moved her stuff around, opened her glove compartment, taken some of her CDs (but none of the good ones, that's why I'm still confused...), gone through her pictures (so they know what we look like, that's nice)...
But the two big losses (other than her fucking *window* >_<) weren't to be noticed until 30 minutes and an hour later. Seriously, you don't realize something's gone unless you're focused on looking for it. I was cold. Really, really cold. I started looking for my letter jacket on the floorboard and said, "shit, *I* know what's missing... my *letter* jacket." And I got so upset. My letter jacket. The one I worked my ass off for ALL YEAR in drill team to earn. And my national honors society pin was on it. Two irreplaceable things.
She hadn't cried about her window, but I let out a few tears over my jacket. I was just so mad because, had it been some regular, normal jacket with no specific school or meaning, I would have understood... but what did they want with my jacket? Who cares about a blue and gold Sulphur Springs letter jacket?
An hour later, Andrea was cold. She looked for her pea coat. Her $200 black pea coat. She didn't find that, either. But our material losses were *not* the part of the night that made it upsetting. That was coming up soon. >_<
She got a little upset over the coat and all of this random upset-ness got us lost time and time again. She kept taking exits when she didn't need to, which would set us back 15 minutes at a time, she wouldn't listen to me when I told her where to go, and when we both assumed we were going the right way on i-30, we ended up in Weatherford.
Weatherford. It takes FOREVER to get to Weatherford from Dallas. And we didn't realize we'd gone all the way through Ft. Worth, through Arlington, towards Abilene and Weatherford.
Now, you see why I was saying that the material losses weren't the bad part. 5 hours. 5 hours on a trip that normally takes 1-and-a-half. I swear to god, if you don't believe in bad direction faeries...
Seriously, we were seeing signs saying things that didn't say what we thought they said. And after hours and hours of driving back towards Dallas, getting on the right direction, we clung to i-30 for DEAR LIFE and prayed that we wouldn't lose it. We did well for an hour.
Then I saw a building in the Dallas skyline. One I'd never seen before. The whole goddamn thing was *glittering* and I'd never seen anything like it. So I pointed. Andi looked. And we missed the ONE place where we needed to get off to stay on i-30.
An hour without having to change our lane, and we miss i-30's exit because we get distracted. When we looked later, after getting back on, the building wasn't there.
No, we were NOT on any sort of drugs. I promise. I know when my consciousness has been altered, and it wasn't. But I swear to god, we both saw this building and it was NOT there when we finally got our equilibrium back and ended up back on i-30 (30 minutes later!!!!!).
The drive home was so long, but once we knew we were going in the right direction we tried to calm down and be happy. We had to face it, the event itself had been far too much fun to be ruined by the bad chain of events that happened afterwards. We laughed and talked and tried to stay awake... singing songs from "Fiddler on the Roof" in our best Kermit and Big Bird voices. ^_~ And they DIDN'T get my Utena CD. THAT was in the CD player. ^_~ Stupid jerks.
Whew, long journal entry, ne? I just wanted you all to know what happened to me last night, why I wasn't around. James is working with Zach today (he left me a message on ICQ) "so that we be a little closer to having the perfect life". ^_^ I hope Mi-chan is doing okay. Her imoods always worry me sick. >_< Anyway... peace out. .....moron. *lol*
happy meter time is 12/2/2000 03:37:11 PM
I can't believe this, it's insane... but it's such a James/me thing to do.Mel is in trouble. She's 13 and her mother beats her. She lives in Dallas. I *just* met her. James really hasn't even met her yet. On Saturday, her online boyfriend Nick (who is apparently her age, which is the puzzling part) is coming to get her, whisk her away, and all of that stuff.
Right. We both are terrified for her. I'm trying to get online right now so that I might catch her before she leaves. ;_; What if Nick turns out to be 40 and rapes and kills her? Even if he doesn't, she still has much bigger problems.
I get on the phone with James and tell him about her and he spouts off this plan out of nowhere that he'll get the apartment in Dallas REALLY soon, that I can stash Mel in my house for a few days, weeks, whatever, and then I can move in with him in Dallas and she can file against her parents and be put up for adoption, and then we can adopt her...
I'm 18 years old. This is just too confusing... exciting, yes, but it sounds so hare-brained. There's no way it could possibly work. But I want her to go to school, I want her to be able to eat, I want her to live a life without being slapped around and yelled at all the time, without having to be around drugs and people who turn away...
How could we prove that we can provide? Of age, yes, we're of age, but proof that we can provide...
we just want her to go to school... this is so important to us, out of nowhere. No one deserves that kind of life.
Shit. I missed her. She left her phone number and her name... oh god, what if I don't catch her before she leaves with this person, what if... what if I'm too late?
happy meter time is 12/1/2000 04:57:58 AM
I've spent all night playing yahoo games with Kristine. It's nice to spend some time with her. She's a really smart kid, whether everyone else thinks so or not.I saved a screencap of us playing Literati (a version of scrabble). The quote of the day:
me: "21 points for the word 'yak'."
her: "well, shit."
happy meter time is 12/1/2000 03:52:09 AM
This game... Ohhhh god, I can barely stand the suspense! December 6th is too far away. ^^ I can't wait to tell James about this, if he hasn't read about it in one of his millions of game magazines he keeps up with, he'll be super surprised. I must get it... insane happiness will be mine!!!!! *^_^*
happy meter time is 11/30/2000 10:36:58 AM
Ipartying with Megs and John (yeah... trust me, that's how I see it, anyway). I'm about to take another bubble bath. Three days in a row.... it's just a nice way to kill time and relax.Thank you, Maher. *ROFL*
The quote of the day. First, think of Alcoholics Anonymous as an example: "Hi, my name is Don, and I'm an alcoholic."
Meg: "Doesn't it kind of defeat the purpose of being anonymous when you tell them your name?"
happy meter time is 11/29/2000 10:50:44 PM
I love having free time lately... no projects, hai, but still, so much free time... time to laze around in a bubble bath, think about Mi-chan and my paininthebutt (that'd be James >_<), time to work on boring little projects that I know will never be finished, but make me happy nonetheless.I convinced Aurora to open an Iparty, but I hope my stupid scratchy voice won't give out on me. I voice chatted with Mi-chan for a few minutes earlier today... her voice is so pretty and sparkly, like bells. Even when she has strep throat!
happy meter time is 11/29/2000 09:24:03 PM
I'm listening to "Sour Girl" by Stone Temple Pilots for the first time in forever... the video for this was SO creepy. Like... teletubbies on acid. But I'm sure you knew that already. ^_^ I wish I could see it again, just to see Sarah Michelle Gellar look even creepier than usual.(Ne, I like her, but after flipping through the big fat Buffy "Monster Book" at On Cue the other day, I realize just how good their makeup people are, and how just about everyone on that show has been made-up into a nasty monster at one point or another. Ano... ugliness rating of 5. ^^)
Last night Andi told me that the army people keep calling her, like every day. She said one time they called and she said "I'm a conscientious opposer! You don't want me, I'll go AWOL!"
Ano... for some reason that just tickled me. ^^ "Opposer" wasn't the word she used, but I can't remember what word she used. >_< I hate forgetting things, but it seems like lately I show everything I've done to Megara twice... I honestly can't remember showing things to her only... everyone else, I know if I've showed them something or not, but she's always like "you've shown me already, sweeting ^_^" and I'm like "...nani?!... am I getting old already!?"
My throat is scratched up, which keeps reminding me of Laura. (Oh, what a pleasant mneumonic, ne?) She messaged me around noon when I wasn't online. I miss her too. ;_; Gomen ne, Mi-chan. I just kept going to sleep today because I couldn't think of anything to do. I bet if I cleaned up my room, I'd be more productive.
All right, that settles it -- I'm going to try. Watch in an hour, nothing will have been done. I'm the great procrastinator. Ja ne!
happy meter time is 11/29/2000 04:59:33 PM
I just got home from Andi's... we watched her little show and I guess it doesn't suck as bad as I thought it did originally. I just... I'm experiencing La Femme Nikita withdrawal. ;_; And then they had to go and kill Berkov. What was that? >_< You now know why I don't watch TV anymore.James is at game. He e*mailed me (for the first time in forever):
"My love
i am sorry for everything that has happened
you are my life
i never tell you this but when i hear
your voice when you are happy, it fills
my heart with a joy that knows no bounds.When we are together you make everything else seem
unimportant as long as i have you. And that is how i
feel. My heart longs to be there with you
and be in your arms. You truly are the essance
of my life and i cannot see myself torn from you.I want you here with me and i dream of the days
when it is a warm spring wind blowing as we sit
out on the porch and watch our two children
at play with the dogs.I love you and i want you to know that you are my everything
and oh so much more. My princess you give light to
a darkness that seemed inpenetrable.Forever Yours in mind body and soul
your prince
James"I put this here because I may not remember later unless I can remind myself through my journal. If my head weren't screwed on... >_<
Mi-chan is still so sick, and I hope she gets better soon. Come December 20th I won't be around... >_< I hope all goes well then. I could use a nice, long strand of good luck.
happy meter time is 11/28/2000 09:43:37 PM
Things have been calm all day... which is definitely good. Erynne's journal reeks of miserable-ness, Mi-chan's sick, James has game tonight, and I'm just generally bored off my ASS. Do I wish something crappy would happen just so I'd have something to think about?HELL NO! Read my past two days' entries and you'll see that not much else could be worse. ^_^ I feel a lot better. Things are... better.
The weather is SO pretty... the sky is dark grey, the leaves have fallen, the air is somewhat warm. I went out to get the mail and I almost had to convince myself to go back inside. I love being outside... I just don't go out much because of my stupid agoraphobia. It's not half as bad as it used to be, but something still keeps me inside.
A miracle occurred yesterday. James' phone line in his room WORKS! This means he can rig his computer to the line, and stay up talking to me all night if he wants to. No more of this going over to the twins just to get online crap, no more worrying about whether I catch him before 5 o'clock on weekdays. Whew. I was getting tired of that.
But my poor Mi-chan... *wails* So sick, and without anyone to care for and nurture her. >_< I could give her parents a good kick in the shins.
Okay, I'm done ranting. Off to cuddle Laura now. ^_^
happy meter time is 11/28/2000 03:06:55 PM
James is on. We're doing okay. I'm cheered up, but I miss my Mi-chan. Tomorrow I have the line all day, but the lil' jerk has to GM at the Vampire game like every Tuesday. I'd hate it less if Mary wasn't there. Slut.
happy meter time is 11/27/2000 11:19:58 PM
Maher tells me to take a bubble bath... that it's a girl's Prozac. I'm considering it...but there's that time, when you've been in the water for a while, and your problems are just one too many for the bubbles to keep up with. So the water gets cold, and you end up shivering, wondering what to do. Just like the rest of your life.
I'm depressing, aren't I....?
happy meter time is 11/27/2000 10:42:25 PM
I'm listening to Tori Amos' "Space Dog". I dunno what it is about Tori that just puts me at ease, at total and complete peace.The quote for the day:
"Love's a big bottle of stupid."
happy meter time is 11/27/2000 04:20:52 PM
Stupid whore won't fuck off. "I want James back", she says, after a whole night of phone calls (4 hours of those from James to ME)... she called him *3* times while he was on the phone with me.Well, fuck you, whore - he's moving to Dallas. I don't see him moving to Huntsville for you, do I? And I don't see him getting you an engagement ring this Christmas. GIVE IT UP.
I hate her. I hate everything about her, I hate her with every cell and mitochondria in my body. And he called me in tears when he was done talking to her, saying he'd told her how he felt about me finally and that he couldn't stop talking to her. You know why? Because she has the one fucking thing I never had --
she had his unborn child in her womb for three months. Then the bitch killed it.
But he can't break off communication with her for that simple fact. When I mentioned it he yelled at me and called me a "fucking whore" and said not to ever bring that up. Well exCUSE me. He apologized later, but I was none too happy.
I'm just..... not happy. I'm sorry, this "I'm still going to talk to her" shit just don't fly with me. If she's trying to get him back, I can't let her keep talking to him. That's just NOT how it works. If I didn't know she was trying to get him back, they could talk and I would have minimal problems with it, but there's no way I'm going to let that slutbag whore try her hardest. Stupid fucking SLUT!!!!! I don't feel violent tendencies but the mention of her name makes me want to HIT something. Hard.
happy meter time is 11/27/2000 02:03:26 PM
He called me for like, 2 hours. ^^ He was really amused by the things I said to Jennifer. The "psycho hose beast" (her new nickname) called him THREE TIMES while he was on the phone with me! 3 times! She also called his mom and told her that he tried to kill himself... stupid whore. *rofl* Poor Berny... he had to listen to me whine about this whole thing, and I think his faith in Ja-chan is finally destroyed. Well... mine's not, and I think it'll all be okay.Whew... what a day, ne? ^_~
happy meter time is 11/27/2000 12:41:46 AM
I finally talked to the stupid bitch.Mandy: Jennifer, you and I need to talk. *soft smile* Seriously. You fucked up.
Jenn: and what have I done this time
Mandy: Did you think I wouldn't figure it out, sweetie? *soft frown* WHY do you hurt me like this?
Jenn: wanna tell me what I've done?
Mandy: you KNOW what you've done. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but why is it your life's work to ruin my happiness with James? WHY? you haven't won. he called me today and confessed in tears. you were a lousy lay, and you tried to dirty talk and he said it sounded terrible. you also ruined his mother's new chair. he hates you. He tried to KILL himself because of what you and he did. He tried to fucking KILL himself, Jennifer. Because of YOU! Worse yet, you make me look like a FOOL to everyone in Houston. Now they think I made a mistake sticking by him. I will ALWAYS stick by him, and a soiled little whore like you won't get in the way of that. EVER. Once he realized he'd actually allowed himself to be soiled by you, he tried to kill himself. I bet that makes you feel really good, doesn't it? that the last man you tried to have fun with detests what you did SO much that he'd rather be dead than ever think of touching you again?
Jenn: sighs I think I am tired of going though this with you, he spent three hours telling me how he wanted me back and how he was sorry that he ever cheated on me, I told him over and over I wasn't gonna forgive him till he gave me some good reasons, and he gave me some good reasons. I am sorry that I was ever nice to you cause all you have done it try to fuck over a good relastionship I had with a guy I loved
Mandy: He never loved you, dear. He's engaged to me.
He was DRUNK off his ASS both times he messed around with you. Doesn't that tell you something, that you have to get him drunk to get him to sleep with you? *tsk tsk* Sad, sad, sad. I wish I could say i hated you for what you did, but i can't. All i can feel for you is pity. I wish you had a better self image. After all, it takes a lot of desperation to go for a guy who's too drunk to tell you no.Jenn: he is the only man I have ever had sex with, that hardly makes me a whore, and he wasn't drunk when he told me he loved me two days earlyer, and he wasn't drunk when he asked me to stay the night
Mandy: *laughs* you think I believe you? You're a diluted, sad little person.
Jenn: and so are you my dear, but at least I am not so parinoid that I have to tell lies to people I think are a threat to me and I am going to go now goodbye
Mandy: You can go on living in your miserable little world, dear. When he thought he was going to lose me, he tried to KILL himself. Because of you. Aren't you feeling just the slightest bit guilty for causing him to nearly lose his own life?
Jenn: Not at all
Mandy: If you loved him so much you'd stop tampering with his happiness. HE HATES YOU. He said so. He doesn't want ANYTHING to do with you, from now on. EVER. AGAIN. Dear girl, I never asked you to be nice. AllI ever asked you was to get the *fuck* out of my relationship (that's right, relationship, that thing YOU never had with him) with James. Are you so sad and desperate that you have to wait until he's _drunk_ to get him to pretend you're me so he'll fuck you? *haughty laugh* You're pathetic. And now EVERYONE in the world will know just how pathetic you are. Got it? Cry a lot, my dear. There's a LOT of crying in store for you.
(What a happy conversation that was, huh?)
happy meter time is 11/26/2000 10:33:23 PM
I wrote a song-like poem about James' and my relationship."backwards crime"
i'm doing a backwards crime today
sent for the runaway
before i got the pay
he says "you deserve more"
but when more arrives it's not mine to taketurn around this fight
make mistakes into mountains and back again
please make this thing all about you
and your free pass to do whatever you pleasei'm watching the world reverse today
should have made my play
in the shining straightaway
he says "i'm abusing you"
but his guilt is something i gotta maketurn around this fight
make mistakes into mountains and back again
please make this thing all about you
and your free pass to do whatever you pleaseif only the wounds were something to see
then maybe the proof would be his undoing
but my eyes are shaded in the bruises of my love
and all that's undoing is my sanity"how high" is all i have to say
so he commands and i fly to do the deed
happy meter time is 11/26/2000 09:32:20 PM
I lucid dreamt. I can't believe I did. James' house was a mansion and his mother was leaving in a limo and so I showed up there... I FELT my feet on the stairs, and it was more like my feet were asleep than heavy on the stairs, but I acknowledged that this was a dream and that I couldn't believe I could feel so much... James came out of the shower and tried to kill himself over the bannister! He was crying and upset >_< The whole dream was INSANE, and I hated it all... but it was so colorful and I controlled everything. Too bad I couldn't have made it a good dream. The rest of the dream was too horrible for me to explain...
happy meter time is 11/26/2000 09:11:59 PM
(backlogged due to being offline) Jesus, I can't draw today, because of the crappy things that have happened. I've tried. >_< Even if I forgave him, it's still eating away at me... not that I'm upset, I haven't cried, but I still feel... icky. This overwhelming sense of ickiness. It's nibbling on my elbows and poking me in the stomach. I feel slightly nauseated and I can't stop feeling gross about the whole damned thing. I don't know what to do... I miss Mi-chan and even though he's really hurt me, I'd feel a lot better if I were talking to James right now. I'm offline, so I can't talk to him. I just... I don't know, I don't want to lord this over him but he owes me BIG time and I wish I could make him come up here. If he loved me, he would. *sigh* Fuck.
happy meter time is 11/26/2000 09:11:35 PM
Ja-chan cheated on me with that dumb bitch Jennifer. ^_^ But for some reason, I wasn't angry... I had Mi-chan to protect me from feeling any pain. I had him call, he told me the whole messy scene (tearfully, poor thing... he's beating himself up over it far more than I ever could). I'll probably get upset later, but for right now, Mi-chan makes me far too happy to even be upset a smidge. The funny thing is... as jealous as I am, this kind of thing would put me in tears all day. He cried that I was too good for him, that he didn't believe that I'd ever forgive him, and that he hates where he is and won't ever screw up again. He probably will (he's a male, after all).
happy meter time is 11/26/2000 02:42:11 PM
All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me, me and neil'll be hangin' out with the DREAM KINGNeil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream
I think it's that girl and I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen wellAll the world is
All I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is DANGLIN'... danglin'... danglin' for me DARLIN'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
That tear in your handMaybe I ain't used to maybes smashing in a cold room cutting my hands up
every time I touch you
Maybe maybe it's time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye nowCaught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well well better than I used to
HAZE all clouded up my mind
In the DAZE of the why it could've never been
So you say and I say you know you're full of wish
And your "baby baby baby babies"
I tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well
happy meter time is 11/26/2000 01:28:01 PM
I took some pictures last night. I'm such a moron. But many thanks to Miyu for allowing me to put my lame cosplay site at her space... I finally have that stupid page UP thanks to her!
happy meter time is 11/26/2000 11:48:57 AM
