"music low, we're all alone. being wrong never felt so right"
-- a new found glory
i love that song!!
posted by naya n on 2:26 PM

found out when i have my radio show!! it's gonna be on wednesdays from 1-3 pm EST. click here to listen!!

xoxo
naya
posted by naya n on 11:46 PM

1.25.01
wow 2 bloggers in one day!! some sort of record.

anyway, being that i am the weirdo that i am, i was (over)analyzing my current situation with gus, and i have likened it to an mid-90's tv show with a huge cult following-- "my so-called life".... ok, ya know how angela is nuts about jordan and they finally go out, but only for a little bit, but she likes him so so much, and she'd do anything for him, while he's more stoic, and not really showing emotion? and then they just break up out of nowhere, and she's miserable for a long long time, and no matter what she does she can't get him out of her mind, and then one day she just gets up and realizes "hey, i'm over jordan catalano", and dances to "blister in the sun" by the violent femmes??? yeah, that's kinda what it's like. just that i haven't danced to my "blister in the sun" so to speak. hehehhe... alright, that's it.

xoxo
naya

"maybe i'll fall in love and never learn"
-- silverchair
posted by naya n on 11:01 PM

1/25/01
eww i still don't like the way "01" looks *lol* can't it just be 2000 forever?? heh... if only it were that easy.

i'm really mad at myself for not being able to move on. i feel like some sort of idiot or something.

i don't have all that much to say. semester's started. it's fine. classes are good. chris is so so so missed :(

i'm getting a radio show. when? i don't know. but when i do i'll put the time and the day and the link for the streaming web cast on here, so you can all listen and call up. hehe.

tis all for now.

xoxo
naya

"if i don't let myself be happy now then when?"
-- jimmy eat world
posted by naya n on 9:35 AM

1/18/01
a bunch of shizzat's been going on since the last bloggie. but it's been good, i promise. on saturday, 1/13, i saw the juliana theory in w-b... they were really good. i now understand why some people call them "rockstars". hehe. but they were still really really good. gus came with (!), even though it's not his type of music. he had fun. anyway, i got a little too moved by the music, and kissed him. not a big kiss, but a peck on the lips. he was cool with it, but i felt stupid for having done that. i apologized, but he said he understood. anyway, i think it gave me closure in some weird way, because i'm now perfectly content being friends. and i mean it this time. for real. hehe... so yeah... i'm free.. *lol* i realized this just now, after a long conversation with him on the phone, with topics ranging from laundry to dating... so yeah it's allllll good hehe.

moc is the awesomest thing on earth. i've met a bunch of cool people, including jibbo, with whom i hung out with after the juliana theory. i just wanna get something out in the open though. just cos i'm on there doesn't mean that i'm looking for a boyfriend or a hookup or anything. i dont' really want anything to do with any of that right now.

semester begins on monday...eeep! hehe.. i'm psyched to go back to school, but more to see my friends than for any academic pursuits. unfortunately, chris won't be coming back *sniffle* and it'll suck without him. DJ IVY HAS NO MECHALODE!! *sniff* so i need someone to do a radio show with. i'm not real sure if i'm even gonna do a radio show though, it depends on my schedule and my parents hehe...

tis all for now.

xoxo
naya

"in your eyes i see a darkness that torments you and in your head where it dwells. i'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it. let's walk away from this hell"
-- the juliana theory
posted by naya n on 1:44 PM

1/10/01
so miami rocked my socks. it was awesome seeing my family, and how cute my cousins are. also gave me time away from crap that was bothering me here. but now i'm back home, and i'm seeing my problems resurface again. not really problems... i'm just feeling things that i shouldn't feel. not seeing gus for two weeks made me believe that i was over him. but when i saw him last night, everything just came back to me really quick. i love hanging out with him, and stuff, but i wish that there was more to us than just friends. i wonder if he still has feelings for me. i think he may, just slightly though. but then again, i'm delusional, so what do i know?

that's really all that's going on in my life. i'm hanging out with friends. i saw liza today, which was really cool. we hung out for a few hours, and right after i dropped her off with her mom, i pulled out onto the road, and in front of gus. so we pulled over into a supermarket parking lot, and we decided to go up to friendlys for some coffee before he headed off to work. driving there, the song "you were meant for me" by jewel came on the radio. me, being the silly person that i am, took it as a sign. but it was just purely coincidence. hehe... i'm way too superstitious for my own good sometimes.

someone left a really weird message in my guestbook... it's lyrics or poetry from a song. they're pretty and all, but it's slightly disturbing. so if you did it, fess up, and tell me who wrote them. that's about all.

"i've been wallowing in my own chaotic insecure delusions"
-- tool
posted by naya n on 6:13 PM

12/22/00
last blogger before miami.
today was weird.... i was home all day, and when i did venture out to pick up my sister from school, i saw gus' house. on fire. that was horrible. i feel horrible right now. here i am, ready to go to miami tomorrow morning, and they're all trying to find another place to live. i can't even be there for him. of course he's not gonna say that he needs me to talk, but i just want to be available. so i cried. i cried because his house is gone, i cried because it happened right around christmas, i cried because i couldn't be there for him, i cried because i don't think i'll ever be his girlfriend again. i cried because i didn't tell him i loved him before he left. *sigh* i feel like absolute shit. he says that he's fine, but i know he's not. he's staying with his mom. and with me thinking about all this, i forgot to ask him his mom's #, so i don't really have a way to get in touch with him. i guess i will have to wait until he gets to work to talk to him. i didn't even get to tell him that i love him.

so gus, if you read this, email me your mom's #. or call my house and leave a message on the voice mail. i'll get it.

he forgot to bring his green fuzzy pullover from my car. it smells like him and fire, it makes my stomach turn. but i keep smelling it because there's the faint hint of cologne, leather, and cigarette smoke that i only associate with him. if he were wearing it, i'd bury my face in it. it's so soft, and i could almost imagine him gently touching my hair.... ahhhhhhhhh i really need to stop letting my imagination run away like this. it's hazardous to my heart. i guess i just have to realize that the chances of us getting back together are slim to none. but i'm not 100% sure. now is definately not the time to ask either. i guess i'll find out when i find out. i feel like puking. i smell that jacket, and this horrible feeling settles in my stomach... ugh... but i keep wanting to inhale it... memorize his smell....

it's times like this that i wonder if things really do happen for the best. if they did, then why would 9 people be homeless, 2 days before christmas? gus was right when he said that this is something that happens in the movies. now all that needs to happen is the whole community rally around them and build them a new house or something. *sigh* i had shit to get before i left for miami, but the whole fire thing fucked me up. oh well that's all i guess.

happy holidays all. stay safe. and warm. have a good new year. see you next year.

"breathe deeply from this envelope
it smells like you
and i can't be without that scent
it's filling me with all you mean to me"
--dashboard confessional, "living in your letters"
amazing, they are... everybody go download that song. first time i heard it i wanted to cry.
posted by naya n on 5:55 PM

12/21/00
happy friday... so tonite (as in thursday night. i still feel that it's thursday night), i went out with gus to eat dinner. it was nice. we just sat around talking and laughing as friends. grrrrr.... there's more that i wanna say but i can't, cos he might read this, and then i'll feel all weird next time i see him... not like he doesn't know what i'm thinking. the kid can read me like an open book. it's good though, because then if i'm really embarassed to say something, i don't have to cos he'll know.

finals are over!! well for me anyway. they go on til friday... and on saturday... MIAMI! woohoo! hehe i'm looking forward to it only because i get to get away from everyone and everything. a nice two week break from all this crap. of course, it's all crap to me, with my new "fuck 'em all" attitude hehe... woohoo... apathy feels nice :) congratulate me, i've finally reached it. humm... i believe that is all. for now. i'm tired, and i don't really know what i'm saying. i'm working on another page. i don't want to give the URL out yet, as it's not ready for your eyes.
"it happened way too fast, to make sense of it, make it last"-- jimmy eat world
posted by naya n on 12:21 AM