I have no idea why I decided to do this. Adventure, I said. Fun, I thought. Newness. Explore my world. But right now, these are the last things on my mind. Right now, I want to be safe at home with my family, coming from a job where I know what the hell I'm doing and don't end up feeling like a complete dumbass 100% of the time. I want to be far away from Wisconsin right now...in Michigan. Home.

I miss my sisters. I miss my mom. I miss that feeling of home. It's been three weeks and I still don't know what the hell I'm doing at this stupid job. I'm not a dumb girl. There's just so much information I am constantly feeling glassy-eyed and overwhelmed. I don't know anyone, and apparently I've managed to make myself some office enemies already. Don't ask how; I don't know. I get sick to my stomach thinking about being set free of training mode. There's no way I can function as a full-time good employee. There just isn't. I feel stupid. And for my trouble? I'm bringing home less money, thanks to the boost in state taxes I am now paying. No raise. More work.

To top it off, I haven't had a good night's sleep since I got here. I am constantly waking up when I hear a noise...no matter how insignificant or small. Noises = me awake and thinking something bad is happening, so I worry and get scared, which means I can't get back to sleep again for a while, at least. Note I am making no mention of how I actually fall asleep because that's crazy in and of itself. I have to stay awake and with lights blazing until I am absolutely ready to fall out or I lay in bed and miss home or think someone is in my apartment or something bad is happening and so I toss and turn for hours. And so. I stay awake till all hours...later and later this past week, it seems. I want so badly to go to bed early so I don't have to be awake and scared at night. It seems I just will not allow that, even if I take a sleeping pill. Fucked up, that.

So. As I stand right now, I wish I hadn't moved here. I wish I'd gotten an apartment somewhere very near my family so I could stay at my old job, in my home state, near my family. And. Away from things that feel foreign and unfamiliar. I'm so sick of that feeling and my God...it's only been three weeks.

It's early and my brain isn't quite functioning properly yet, so I apologize. I wanted to update though.

This weekend was nice....busy and nice. Saturday was spent accomplishing mostly house-type stuff, where yesterday was out n about visiting with friends day. It was good. Next weekend we're probably going to temple. I may be getting my hair dyed. I bought candles and a lovely scarf for my altar. All in all, a good weekend full of things that weekends should contain.

Now, however, it's off to work to begin my last week of training. I'm a wee frightened by this prospect; I don't feel ready to be on my own yet. Perhaps I will change my mind after this week. But for now, color me nervous.

The coffee's done.

I think today is a day I will never forget. Today is etching itself into my mind almost as much as Tuesday did. It's vivid and palpable and just amazing how proud we all are of our country right now.

We're showing strength in ways I never would have imagined. We're pulling together tightly and compassionately. We're angry, upset, feeling lost and confused, but we're not letting them win.

It's sad that such a tragic event had to happen, but there is some good coming from this. The people of my generation will never forget this, and we will pass on to our children the best we can what it means to be an American. We will tell stories of strangers sacrificing themselves to save others. It won't be a story to us, it'll be a memory. But it'll be real and alive in our minds.

Everywhere I look today I see my country's colors. Not just in clothing and flying from car antennas, but in the air. I am breathing patriotism and love of country for the first time in my life. Quite frankly, I've been missing out.

Can't sleep. Haven't tried much. Can't get pictures and thoughts of terror and horror out of my head. And I'm not even there. I'm safely tucked away hundreds of miles away.

I heard a bit ago that there's ten police officers trapped under rubble. At least one is alive and made a phone call to his wife and thus helped authorities locate him and the nine others.

I can't find anything on the TV to distract me. Where's the Style Network when I need it?

No one is online for me to chat with.

My eyes are heavy but sleep will not come. I have many lights on in my place. Every little noise is making me jump. I hate the night alone, yet I refuse to get in the habit of a good bed time. It makes no sense. I've tried for so many years but when you're an insomniac, it just doesn't work. I only have three more sleeping pills left. I don't want to take another tonight. I wish I could just sleep.

God Bless America.

I got back - about an hour ago - from my first yoga class at the Warner Park Community Recreation Center. I'm a bit disappointed in the class itself; I guess I'm turning into a yoga snob. It's not as meditative and respectful of tradition as I like, but for the price (30 bucks for three months of class once a week) I couldn't really say no. So even if I go for more of a work out rather than a spiritual practice, I'm bound to reap benefits. I already met a nice lady there (Rita). Besides, to register for the class I had to purchase a membership to this rec. center (five dollars - card's good for a year) which entitles me to use the workout room for only two dollars a day. The room isn't huge or high tech by any means, but it's new and clean and the equipment that I'd want to use is there (stationary bike, a few arm machines, and some leg machines...they also have steppers and tread mills and some free weights), so for two dollars a day I may just make use of it. Besides, the more I go to that damn building, the more likely I am to be able to actually find my way home appropriately. Damn it.

After this horrific week, I'll be glad for the weekend to finally get here. Work has seemed like breathing - necessary - the past couple of days. I'm just going through the motions. Tomorrow I will wear my country's colors. I will also try and find a flag to fly off of my balcony. I am proud of my country and its general response to the horrible tragedy. I can't talk or think about it any more. My brain's like a full sponge any more. Just. Can't. Take. Any. More.

My new yoga class friend Rita reminded me of the Farmer's Market down town, so I'm thinking of going this weekend. Saturday would be well spent if I woke up early, got my laundry going, went to the market, did other misc. grocery shopping, cleaned my bathrooms, vacuumed, arranged my bookshelves, and some other random house-type duties. Sounds boring, but I'll be busy enough that I won't realize I'm here alone quite as much as if I sat on my ass all day.

Perhaps I will find a driving range and hit a bucket of balls. Hmm.

I'm sorry I have nothing profound to say...I just can't think deeply any more right now.

This stuff is what I love about the web. Go. Donate. Amazon has collected 1.6 million dollars as of this posting.

Amazing stuff, people.

See? They can not keep this country down. They will not win. We are too strong to let even this break us. So back the fuck off.

I'm feeling a bit better today, I guess. Not as scared and not as homesick. Still sick to my stomach all day long, though.

I'm sending out as much love and as many prayers as I can.

Still alone and longing for home more than ever in my life. I'm so shocked I can not even cry.

They're saying, now, that the death toll may be the highest amount of Americans dead in a single day ever. Until now, the highest day was during the Civil War when 22,000 American people died.

Twenty-two thousand.

Think about that for a minute.

50,000 people work in the WTC. The deaths of the people on the airplanes alone outnumbers the previous highest amount of people lost in a single terrorist attack here (Oklahoma City bombing just a few years ago). Over 200 firefighters are confirmed dead.

Unreal.

I'm sitting in my apartment now - alone - with CNN on the TV and several websites open in different windows. I can not begin to fathom what happened today. I can not begin to say how saddened I am and how scared I am and how thankful I am at the same time. Worried, too, because I haven't heard from the guy. I just wish he'd call.

My God. I just saw the footage of the second aircraft hitting the World Trade Center - first time I witnessed it.

My God. My fucking God. It turns my stomach. It's sick. Fucking sick.

Highest level of security. Fires. Attack. Terrorist. Dead.

How can I even begin to say how I feel right now? How can I even begin to understand how those people felt as their plane crashed into a building?

I'm sick.

All I can do is pray, and I think that's about all that I will be doing tonight.

Everyone pray that this doesn't get any worse.