Me
5:04 PM

Wednesday, July 25, 2001  
***NOTE: for now on I will only be showing the last 10 posts. I will try to get an archive set up, but I'm at work now, so it will have to wait.***

I wish I had more time to just jot (or in this case type) down my thoughts. I used to almost religiously keep a journal when I was young, but in 1995, when my life started to fall apart (a.k.a began to be REAL) I didn't want to share many of my thoughts.

And I'm at work now so it's not like I can say much. But what am I thinking about right now? Well, for one thing, work - I don' t want to stay until 6:30 today when I hardly have anything to do as it is. And next week we're taking Cristina to Niagra Falls, and I'm supposed to take of Wed-Fri, which will be hard, because I'm still in the middle of my probationary period here at work (until Nov 21) and only have 3.5 days of vacation time until then. I'm kind of hoping to save it for when I go to Rome in October.

So that means comp time. And comp time means working later, or working Saturdays, or whatever. Which, at this current moment, is hard because 1) I have a guest and 2) I don't have a lot of work to do (i.e. projects). So I'm kind of frustrated.

I'm also thinking about my future. I've been doing that a lot lately. I have three more classes until I graduate, which I will have to juggle with work this upcoming semester (and I have to stay above half time in order to continue having benefits). But when I'm done, then what? I have a job, but do I want my own apartment? Can I afford it? I make good money, especially for a single woman, but it doesn't seem to go very far, at least the first few paychecks haven't been. The government takes 1/4 of my check, that's usually around $400 every pay period! And then pay tithing above that? Plus bills, car payment, prescriptions....it's almost too much. Of course, I also have been supporting two people this summer (since I changed from 40% to working 90% of the time) and that may be why I feel I don't have much money, I dunno. I have plenty, I'm not broke, don't get me wrong, it just makes me wonder if I can afford living alone:)

I also have been thinking about marriage. I am 25, and my biological clock is ticking. I want to be a mother so badly. (Not that I feel I'm ready for that, but it is what I want to do) but before that I want to be married. I sometimes wonder if the promises that were given to me will be fulfilled. So far they have - my life has been one big blessing and miracle, and I would be an idiot not to recognize God's hand in that. He has kept every promise He has made to me so far, and I, in turn, am trying to do the same. But I am so impatient, and sometimes my life seems to be going the opposite direction of what I ever intended, and my goals seem to be drifting farther and farther away from my reach. I am more open-minded now, and I realize that sometimes it isn't the destination, but how you get there that counts (as "Miguel" says, it's not what you do necessarily, but HOW you do it). I want a temple marriage. Being a faithful Latter-Day Saint (although some might disagree with me, but who are they to judge? They cannot see inside of my heart) I recognize the necessity in that. I know its true. But something has crossed my mind that has never been there before - what if it didn't start out that way? I decided that I would do what I could to do what's right for me in my life, and I recognize the importance of making my own choices and learning from them, but I also will heed to the still small voice and if I am encouraged to "stray" from the traditional path that most young Mormons take, well then, so be it. I never even considered doing this before, but then again, we are all different and unique, and maybe God's plan for me is a bit different than it is for others. At the very least, if my goals are righteous, I will reach them eventually, but the way I do it may differ from what most people would consider "correct". It doesn't matter what most ppl think, though - it's something that's between God and me (and my future husband, of course). But I will NOT let passion or self-interest conflict with my righteous desires, as so many people do, unfortunately. (I'm just stating a fact here, NOT making a judgement).

I better go now. Work is calling (although I don't know what I will do until 6:30).
3:51 PM

Friday, July 20, 2001  
Ok, I edited the names. So everything is back on. I got an email from someone who actually was reading my blogs, so I guess they aren't for nothing, after all. It's nice to know I'm not the only person out there who enjoys learning about other people's lives, when they want to share it:)
10:50 AM

Tuesday, July 03, 2001  
I am temporarily turning this off. Nobody reads it anyway but me, but just in case, I don't want to upset anyone. I will edit the content and remove names in those more private entries. Personally I would tell the world anything it wanted to know about myself because I don't care but I need to respect the privacy of others.

Thanks for your patience.

Michelle
12:14 PM

Friday, May 04, 2001  

Du garçon a l'homme

Il était aux deux du matin, et pendant que dormait ma camarade de chambre, je tapais à l'ordinateur. Je ne pouvais pas empêcher de rire - Miguel a juste terminé de raconter une blague drôle, et tout le salon de tchatche exprimait ses opinions de désapprobation avec les caractères de type typiques que seulement les aficionados du tchatche peuvent reconnaître. Je n'ai connu jamais ce garçon d'esprit, mais j'aimais nos rendez-vous sur l'ordinateur plus que j'étais disposée d'avouer.

J'ai fait la connaissance de Miguel quand j'étais une étudiante de première année à Brigham Young University. Miguel était un étudiant d'échange de l'Espagne, et pendant le deuxième semestre de l'année scolaire, il a vécu avec ma famille en Wisconsin. Cette année-là j'ai découvert l'Internet et les salons de tchatche primitifs. C'etait là, dans les salons, où j'ai partagé mes sentiments plus intimes avec lui, et lui avec moi. Quand je suis retournée chez-moi, nous sommes devenus les meilleurs amis, et éventuellement nous nous sommes tombés amoureux.

Actuellement, quand je pense au garçon qui aujourd'hui est un homme tout à fait diffèrent, je souris aux mémoires de notre petite et courte relation. Maintenant nous continuons d'être amis, et quand je retourne chaque année en l'Espagne, nous nous retrouvons et nous passons un jour ou deux ensembles. Cependant, Miguel n'est pas le garçon que j'aimais tant il y a 6 ans. Alors, il peignait toute l'innocence, l'amour, et la beauté de la jeunesse. J'étais semblable ; innocente, scrupuleuse, et nouvelle aux choses de l'amour. Depuis l'été de son retour, néanmoins, il n'était pas un garçon, mai un vrai homme.

Un homme plus beau que la majorité, Miguel avait tout en sa faveur. Avec son apparence méditerranée et la charme d'un enchanteur, il n'y avait pas une femme qui ne l'a regardé pas deux fois. Un Espagnol typique, Miguel avait les yeux sombres et grands, les cils longs, et chaque fois qu'il me regardait, même après notre rupture, je me sentais désespérée, et je me perdais dans les profondeurs d'eux. Les cheveux brillaient sous le soleil, bien qu'ils étaient de la couleur noire. Sa peau olive toujours était plus bronzée que ma propre peau pâle, et Miguel s'amusait de se moquer sur le fait, à ma grande consternation. Il avait le bonheur de jouir d'un menton fort comme ceux des soldats romans de l'armée de Caésar, qui rehaussait son parfait sourire magique. Son sourire, ah, le sourire fameux qu'il choisissait de ne pas montrer souvent, parce que toujours nous disputions. Cependant, quand il sourit tout le monde prêtait attention ; quelle personne ne pouvait apercevoir les dentes parfaits -blanc, et les lèvres minces mais sensuelles ?

Je n'oublierai jamais l'été quand il est retourné à Wisconsin pour passer ses vacances avec nous. J'espérais un commencement nouveau de notre relation, mais très rapidement j'apprenais qu'il ne voulait pas la même chose. Nous avons passé tout l'été dans une humeur horrible et il ne pouvait pas parler avec moi, et j'étais tant désespérée de regagner son amour que je l'ai repoussé même plus. La nouvelle arrogance, l'assurance, et la manipulation de l'homme que j'avais aimé depuis tant du temps m'étonnaient complètement, et je commençais de faire la même à lui. L'été épouvantable finalement approchait sa fin quand Miguel et moi avons décidé d'aider un groupe d'enfants avec un voyage de Rafting. Nous n'avons pas parlé avant le voyage, mais tout ca a changé après l'expédition. Mon Raft est entré en collision avec les roches des rapides, et j'ai perdu la connaissance quand j'ai choqué contre la tête de l'enfant devant moi. Les autres Rafts ont chaviré, avec l'exception du Raft de Miguel et son groupe. Les enfants ont crié avec horreur, à cause de tomber dans le tourbillon. Je ne pouvais rien faire, mais Miguel a plongé dans la rivière et a sauvé les vies des petits enfants qui se noyaient. Après, il m'a conduit à l'hôpital parce que je saignais et j'avais perdu une dent. Je pleurais le long de la route, pas parce que je m'ai fait mal, mais parce que mon visage était monstrueux et j'aurais été censée d'être la dame d'honneur dans le mariage d'une amie le lendemain. À ce moment-là, j'ai eu la bonne chance de voir le garçon avec qui je m'etais tombé amoureux ; un garçon doux, gentil, et soucieux pour mon bien-être. Il m'a tenu la main, et m'a rassuré que tout irait bien. Je l'ai regardé, en larmes, mais je ne pouvais rien dire. Il continuait à dire des choses tendres, et que je ne pourrais pas être plus belle que la mariée, n'est pas ? Il me disait à chaque minute de ne pas dormir parce que je perdais trop de sang. Il a réussi à empêcher que je perdais la connaissance, un fait qu'à la fin, m'a sauvé la vie, selon le docteur.

Pendant cette expérience Miguel s'est révélé d'être un homme mature, décisif, et compétent de penser et agir en cas d'urgence. Bien qu'il ne fût pas le garçon de 16 ans qui j'avais fait la connaissance sur l'Internet, il continuait d'être une personne qui avait les qualités altruistes du garçon qu'était auparavant, et les caractéristiques d'un homme assuré, fort, masculin, et d'un type d'importance différent dans ma vie. Je continue à l'aimer, et pour moi, c'est une joie d'avoir l'opportunité de connaître l'homme qu'il est devenu.

2:33 PM

Wednesday, April 18, 2001  

Well. I'm back from Spain, back from Easter. Not much to say. I did a lot of contemplation, and realized that I am guilty of what Miguel has politely accused me of for the past 6 years - yet I was oblivious to it. I am way too judgmental of people - especially those closest to me and those I love dearest. While I got along fine with Miguel this trip, I still said stupid things that I now regret.

Below is a copy of a portrait I had done while in Barcelona on Las Ramblas.

9:34 PM

Wednesday, April 04, 2001  
Ok so it's now April 5th, 2001, almost 8 months later. Anyway, forget about everything I said below about HIM. He's engaged now, anyway, and it's not to me, and besides, that was just a little crush. Not exactly the love of my life. Of course, the love of my life still exists but HE is completely ignorant of how deep my feelings for him go, and it just seems that I'm almost a plaything for him - someone he can manipulate and someone he can call a "friend" when he needs one.

So anyway, I'm going to see him next week Monday. Only 5 days away. Yup, going to SPAIN! But I really am really sick of trying to hide everything I know and feel just so that he is comfortable just being with me. I know he cares about me at some level (where that level is, I'm not sure anyone but God knows) but he's still afraid of my feelings for him. And why shouldn't he be? What can I possibly offer him? I'm not Spanish, I'm not Catholic, I'm not 22, I'm not a telecommunications expert, I'm not gorgeous and thin, and I have a small social disorder that prevents me from simply ENJOYING myself when I'm with others! He thinks it's something else when I sit with him and his friends and say nothing and try to appear polite but yet I'm distant. he thinks it's an attack on HIM or on his friends, but actually, it's just me, sitting in a corner, wishing I could fade away and be somewhere else, alone with him engaged in a deep discussion, or simply ALONE. I'm not thinking of much more than where I'd rather be - who I'd rather be - anyone but myself and with myself. I'm constantly comparing myself to others - it's no wonder he seems to no longer find me attractive.

Yet somewhere deep within I know that I can offer a good deal. Although not a model, I am beautiful in my own way. I get plenty of stares on the street still, even though I'm not a size 4. Men still find me attractive, physically. I'm intelligent, spiritual, and talented. I can fix my car and then go inside the house and sew a skirt or crochet a scarf. I can hold a conversation with someone in French and then go to church and provide Spanish translation for the non-English speakers there. I have a heart of gold, and I love everyone. At least I used to, until my heart was trampled on by a few so-called "friends" who claimed to have loved me. Whatever, that's what I say.

But I really believe, behind my depression and self-consciousness I am a good person, and I can be fun. He and I always had fun when we were together - we are both so unique and different from everyone else that we just seemed to enjoy the seemingly pointless things we did to have fun. But those days are gone - boy those days are gone.

We are different people. We are growing further apart, and we live so very far apart. But there is SOMETHING, yes something, that keeps us attached - like a thin golden string - deceivingly delicate and appearing to break any moment, but inside, it's made of solid metal. We can go for months not talking to each other yet we'll pick up right where we left off when we communicate again. We can not know anything about the other's personal life as of recent yet still know each other's souls. He has not only become my family, but a part of me. And even when I feel sad or depressed, or he has hurt me in some way, when I am with him, I am whole. I am complete.
11:11 PM

Monday, August 28, 2000  
Ok I don't care anymore! How many people really read this thing, anyway? It's more a semi-public journal than anything. I've never been a private person - I could care less if anyone even DID get a hold of my diaries and read them.

So why do I have such a problem sharing how I feel lately? I used to be the worst - just ask Jaime. I would share TOO much. But now I just do what I can, send "hints" and expect certain ppl (particularly men) to understand the underlying meaning in what I say. Come on, Michelle - you know better than that!

So anyway, we'll call him Adam (obviously NOT his real name). I haven't felt this way in years. The last time was with Miguel...and, well, I'm still afraid of being hurt. Can I possibly put myself out there again? Just by sharing my feelings scares me to death.

Adam is the most awesome guy. Ok, maybe by just saying THAT I'm giving it away - although it sounds generalized - he'd read it and understand exactly WHO I was talking about. But he IS. I've never met someone so, I mean, WOW. And I'm not even talking about how good-looking he is. And how sweet he is. And how respectful he is. And how smart, how talented, how humble, how he makes me laugh....it's how he makes me feel about myself. Just his friendship is more than enough - he amazes me and makes me feel like the worthy Daughter of God that I know deep down I must be, but that knowledge slipped away from me years ago in a time of pain. I'm trying to regain it.

I have known few people who have souls (spirits) that have truly been extraordinary. And I mean WOW - he is exactly that. I noticed it in Miguel...but Miguel, as much as I care for him, doesn't want to see that greatness in himself. Miguel has so much potential that he refuses to reach...but Adam, well, Adam already has reached a part of his greatness, and he knows who he is. He's assured in his self-worth, and wants to do God's will. To me, this is one of the most attractive things about him, about any man. If any man ever wants to know the way to my heart, it is this: please feed your spirits. Reach out for greatness - understand your potential and your great worth. You are Sons of God. Magnify your callings here in Earth - serve others, love others, and be humble. And most of all, be willing to help me realize this myself.

To me, THAT makes a man.
12:52 AM

Friday, August 25, 2000  
Ok, it's been awhile since I've written anything. I have been soo busy, it's not even funny! And school is starting in a little over a week, sooooo -anyway.

Wednesday I went to Great America - finally got to ride Raging Bull! It was fantastic - what a smooth ride! Too bad we went on it first, though - because the rest of the roller coasters were so bumpy and rough. We were spoiled off the bat.

It was great - I went with Joe, Shane, Kim, and then we also invited Heidi and Alice along. It was really fun getting to know Heidi and Alice better. I think we all had a blast - and that is what counts! We then went over to Joe's house in Racine (his family's) and I finally got to meet his sisters. It's been 8 years since I've been to that house, but it was cool seeing it, and recognizing it, and recognizing his dog and his mother:) His parents ordered us pizza (for us poor, starving, college students) and we sat on the porch and had a lot of fun. I don't think any of us wanted to return to Madison to work the next day!

Things are definitely better than they were at the beginning of the summer. I have a whole different set of friends now, but there's so many of them - it's great!

We officially gave our "fourth" roommate a key a week ago. Jeff now has a key to our apartment - hehe! That way we don't have to buzz him up every time he comes over:) He brought Trooper over yesterday and Jeff, Laura and I went for a long walk around the neighborhood. That felt good! I haven't done that in awhile. Jeff keeps offering to take me (or anyone else) skydiving. I so REALLY want to go, but it will cost me $165. I know I could come up with that after I get my financial aid check, but I have to pay some bills, plus I want to buy a CD player for my car and get a CD-RW for my computer. Soooo, that will have to wait. But I will DEFINITELY do it one of these days!

Well, I better get back to work. Busy Friday - lots of requests to handle and get processed so ppl can get to their web courses. I'll touch base later.

1:24 PM

Monday, August 14, 2000  
Hi, Sweetie!
I forgot about your blogger...but now I am back! This is almost like your journal! I can tell how your day is going.

Try to enjoy what summertime you have left!

Love,
Auntie C :)
5:03 PM