Hey...you COULD be having your tonsils out, okay?!

HOME

Archives:

Isn't it amazing how every now and then, something completely catches you off-guard and reduces you to tears? I just read Amy's blog, and suddenly, I'm crying.......I love that she remembered and used my (stolen) quote at such a difficult time in her and Lance's life. And the poignant use of such a beautiful prose makes me weep for the loss of a life I never knew, yet I've been touched by through networks of friendships. It also makes me terribly afraid that I'll be using the same verse in the near future, at my grandmother's funeral, an event I simply cannot bear to admit to myself may very well be coming. Suddenly, I feel like a very inadequate daughter and granddaughter, and clearly see all the times I have selfishly pushed my family aside. All the times that I chose friends and, god help me, work over Christmases and birthdays and visits.......my guilt is building by the minute.

Why does it seem like nothing in my life is what it used to be? RHA is so absolutely unexciting anymore. Sherolyn told me today that she doesn't want to be advisor anymore, and she's trying to turn over the reigns to this guy that I really hate. frankly, if she goes....I go. I'm not excited anymore.....I don't care anymore.....I'm bored with it. I've been struggling with the decision to be the leader of a group that disinterests me, and I think that next semester I might let it go to someone with some initiative, drive, and time. Living in the halls used to be an adventure for me....somewhere to meet people and have fun and live. Now it's a burden - I'm tired of the noise, I'm tired of the people, I'm tired of the parking problems, and I'm tired of the rules. It's so stupid that I'm 21 years old - I live on my own....i have two jobs....I have my own car.....but my boyfriend can't spend the night with me. If I had more interest in life here, i would probably break my contract now and move into an apartment, but all I want to do is get it over with and go home. that's really what this year has become to me - surviving rather than thriving. I have absolutely no interest in anything this city holds. I don't care about schoolwork, I don't care about my job.....I have accepted it all with the weary resignation of a prisioner who has given up the fight and simply accepts the punishment and torture he is to receive. I just don't have fun here. All I want to do is go home to the one who keeps my world spinning. Is that dependance? No......rather a preference. I do not NEED to be with him, I simply choose him over everyone and everything on earth. Over simple necessities of life. And this is okay with me. As long as I know I CAN make it on my own, I don't HAVE to.

This is me saying........."I wish i was homeward-bound....home, where my love lies waiting silently for me..."
posted by Amber Rose at 5:52 PM

Ok...so my internet SUCKS hose water. What is up with this?? it takes HOURS to load a page....I can't get on AOL. Why the hell am I paying $10 a month for a service I can't even use!? GCSU better get their act together, or I will be raising some hell. I can't get anything. I'm so pissed.

I just got home from work. I am so sick of working jobs that getting off at 8:00 really means 9:00. I have tons to do, my throat hurts, and I thought Tommy was coming tonight, so I was bitching to get out of there, and I still didn't manage to get out the door until just after 8:30. I hate being that way, but Bi-Lo is not my life and I will not let it be, like I did the GP. I have too much other stuff going on. Like getting the heck out of college. My life will not be cashiering. I refuse to let it be.

All the people at work think I'm in high school. It's cute, really, to have to dash them back to size and tell them I'm graduating college this year. But at least I'm starting to get to know some of them.....I don't hate it there as much as I thought I would, and definitely not as much as I started to hate being at the GP. Of course, it took me a while to really hate the GP. Fortunately, before I can hate it too much, i'll be quitting. April is only 8 months away.

It is so damn cold in my room. Michelle has the body temperature Timmy does. Will I never have anyone in my life that gets cold?? I guess I'm destined to wear sweat pants every night for the rest of my life, and it's starting early.

I talked to Gretchen the other night. She was devestated because her 35-year old boyfriend who doesn't want a real relationship walked out of work and ignored her. I always knew she didn't make the best choices in life, but damn. Whatever. It would still be cool if she was here, because at least this place would still be fun. At least I'd have more than two friends in Milledgeville. But I don't care...I will stay busy enough to get through the rest of the year and then I'll be moving on.

I guess I should shower and get my homework done so I can go to bed. I don't think I'm going to make it as early tonight as I did last night......and I definitely know I won't sleep as well, since I'll be alone. :( This sleeping alone thing sucks, too. sucks more than phone bills. That's my final decision.

This is me saying.........brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Amber Rose at 10:39 PM

My, my, how time drags. I've only been here three weeks, and it seems like forever. Classes are going moderately well. I don't have any really killer classes (thanks to some fancy drop/add footwork), although none of them are particularly interesting, either. But that's okay....I'm kinda bored with the whole idea of college in general at the moment. I know my mother, my roommate, and my boyfriend are all sick of hearing me bitch about being here, but I can't help it. I am SO READY to graduate. I'm tired of being in Milledgeville, I'm tired of living in the dorms, I'm tired of driving 441, I'm tired of eating in Saga, I'm tired of RHA, I'm tired of this campus. Don't get me wrong - I love my school, and I'm (finally) so happy I chose to attend here, but after three years, I'm ready to move on.

I'm currently working two jobs in addition to school. I know I quit the GP, but as it's often been said....no one really gets out of there. Maybe after football season, I can. Well....in reality, I know that I won't get out of there until Tommy quits. But after that, yeah. I hope I hope I hope. i don't really like working at the grocery store, but at least I don't have to be responsible - and therefore, care about it. I show up, I do it, I leave....and I leave it behind. I kinda like that, although there are things I miss about the GP.

So our room is an on-going project of decoration. It doesn't matter how much we put up in here, it still looks empty and blank and white. All the other girls seem to have full, colorful rooms, but 203 seems to repell that. I guess it's ok....I don't know. I just want a cute room.

The internet here has sucked for over a week. We can't get on AOL, and other programs fade in and out. Why am I paying for a kickass computer line if it doesn't work? More importantly, why am I paying for AOL that I can't even use?? I'm a bitter Barbara. I want my AOL, damnit!

So I've been going basically insane this week. I miss home so much, I can hardly stand it. I have almost gone back three times in the last two days. How am I going to make it through the year? somewhere along the line, I became completely dependant on my boyfriend. I guess that's not entirely true, because I CAN live without him.....I'm doing just fine living without him down here. It's just no fun. I miss him so much it's driving me crazy. Maybe it's the PMS talking, but I'm literally going mad. And it's like my crackwhores have disappeared......everyone is as busy as me, I guess. I miss Amy.....we never get to talk anymore. If I could get on AOL, it would help. I got so desperate for people to talk to, I opened ICQ Random Chat. That, my friends, is desperation.

This is me saying....."Sometimes people leave you halfway through the woods. Do not let it grieve you - no one leaves for good. No one is alone. Truly."
posted by Amber Rose at 12:01 AM

So...it's just me here at school now. Most people are back...at least I have a roommate now! Tommy left me on Saturday night to go back home, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever lived through. I know that our relationship will survive, because it just has to.....i will never find anyone else like him, and i never want to have to. I want him to be around all my life. He has never let me down, and he continually proves how much he loves me. Like last night, when he stood in the dark parking lot of a gas station to call me on a payphone since his isn't hooked up yet. That is love.

I go for a job interview in the morning, and I really really REALLY hope I get this job. Not because I want the job, but because then i won't have to job-hunt anymore. I just want to know I have some income, you know? No matter where it comes from. Oh, I hope I hope I hope.

I look around here, and I can't wait to graduate and get back home. It's kinda sad that I don't really have a life at home anymore - just Tommy and Poss and Linda, and that's about all my friends. But I can't wait to live in one town, in one place, with the man I love. I hate being away from him.....I don't know how people live in different states and such. I feel so horrible for Amy, in the position she is in. I really don't have to worry about the mother and such, like she does, and I hate it for her. My poor Amy K. I want her to come here and visit me.....I miss her. :(

Well - I'm off to wash dishes and iron clothes and do other domestic chores.

This is me saying......."Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you...."

posted by Amber Rose at 11:22 PM

Here I am.....back at school. It's kinda fun to think this is my last year here.....that I'll be done soon, and onto new and better things. I moved in yesterday, a day before dorms opened. I love RHA hookups. :) Tommy came with me.....I'm so glad he did. I love having him here - he makes the transition that much easier (not to mention the moving!). Today he has stayed in my room while I am running around visiting, gossiping, and helping other people move in. I hate leaving him all by himself....partly because I feel guilty and partly because I really want to be up here with him....but it makes me feel better to know he's here. To know that at any time, I can just come in here and find him. It's such a reassuring feeling. Right now, he's taking a nap and I'm taking a break to sit beside him. I've already come in here three times since he's been asleep just to watch him.....somehow, when I see his closed eyes and hear his peaceful breathing, it calms me. All those things that I have to do - parking tag, ID validation, PO box renewal - they seem so much less important. I know I have several days to get them done, and it makes me feel better to know that life doesn't have to be a huge rush.....it can be fun and relaxing and happy. And knowing he's here, whether it be metaphorically or physically, makes me happy. After 8 months, the sight of him still makes my heart leap. He is the most wonderful boyfriend ever, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

This is me saying........"Stop a moment, take it in......can't you feel the change begin?"
posted by Amber Rose at 2:37 PM

I love it when Amy updates her blog, because it makes me do it....I hate getting behind on stuff, but this summer has been one for it. I have been at Tommys' all the times I haven't been recovering from surgery (which, as bad as it was, was nothing compared to how I felt for a semester before that). He has moved into his new apartment, and while it has its drawbacks (being right next to the kitchen gives us an audience for quite a lot of things.....good thing I don't really care about it. Well...that's a lie, cuz I kinda do...but I'll get over it). I can't believe they aren't going to have a phone until the 21st.....especially since I leave for school on Friday. My father keeps saying the distance will do us good, and maybe it will, but it still seems horribly unfair.

So I am no longer a GP whore. I have been out of there for about two weeks, and I don't miss it ONE BIT. I went job hunting, and I think I have one....not one I LIKE, but I can do anything for nine months. And then I will graduate and get on with the fun part of life. I'm glad this is the last time I have to move into the dorm - it's such a pain in the ass to get it all packed up and clean and together and down there.......I'm sick of packing!!!

I am going to be glad to get back to the Gateway and my cable modem, though....I am so over this dial-up thing...I have gotten kicked off about a billion times tonight. And maybe once we're all back in school, I'll see some crackwhores online again, rather than just finding email. Maybe Kelli will reappaear as well - I can always hope, right?

So all in all, things are going well. I wish I could find my roommate's phone number so I could tell her to come Friday and for the love of Canada, bring a TV......but other than that, all I'm doing is packing and waiting for mah boy to get off work so I can go get him a movie and pizza. I like to take care of him......I am severely going to miss it. I have seen him every single day since I got back from CA, and I can't stand the thought of not talking to him for two weeks. God, I'm a whiner sometimes.

This is me saying....."Always look on the bright side of life....."
posted by Amber Rose at 9:00 PM

So I did it....yay!!! I quit the GP! I am a happy camper. I only have one shift left to work, and I am so outta there. Now all I have to worry about is finding a job down at school, but it can't be as bad as this has been. Everytime I think I can stick around, some idiot comes in and proves me wrong.

I haven't been home in nearly a week......it's gotten to where I stay at the apartment even when Tommy's not here. That's a little weird for me, since there are a ton of people here all the time (I just walked in on two snoozing in the living room....looks like we missed a party last night. Pity.), but I'm getting more used to it. I guess I'd really better, as there are people being added to the mix in a couple of weeks. It's not that I don't like his roommates, because I really don't have a problem with them....it's just that I hate that we have to hope and pray for "alone time". I can't wait until we have our own apartment. Even if Posse lives with us, she will be a good roomie.

One day of work to go.........a week and some change until the BNL concert......a fantastic boyfriend who does things like work doubles and cook me food and give me footrubs and let me live in his apartment rent-free (even though I do stupid things like prove I can't park for shit....cuz at the current moment, I'm right on the line, but it's been pouring down rain for, like....14 hours, and I didn't feel like fixing it).....life is good. I'm going to sleep now before I go job-hunting....

This is me saying....."Sometimes you have to see how the benefits outweigh the salary." Thanks, Dad.
posted by Amber Rose at 7:07 AM