My Weblog

Saturday, October 21, 2000

As it started out I thought I was doing well in life. As it turns out, I was not.

This is my story about part of my life. It may get boring at times but I feel I must write it. Not so much as to tell everyone my story but to help myself remember why I changed and what will happen if I go back.

In the beginning of my relationship with my wife, I was a truck driver. Alone, and afraid of being alone. Looking and searching that soul mate to share my good times and bad. I had almost given up, feeling I was doomed and destined to be alone the rest of my life. I was beginning to think that my soul mate was no where to be found.

At the time I was just finishing up a relationship. If you want to call it that. I had a nice car. She wanted to drive it when I wasn’t there and when I was. I came home one Friday night and had to call upon a friend to pick me up because I had no clue where my car was or the present "girlfriend". Found out later that she had been in the bar and was taking an old flame home where she proceeded to (pardon the expression) "screw his brains out". Some people just have no sense of reality. I found this out quite quickly. She in the end wanted to end the realationship. I thought it was a good idea also, but (you just knew there had to be a "but" in there didn’t you) she decided she was going to play me for about two weeks after. Just when I thought it was done and over with, she would come back to cry on my shoulder. The gentleman I was, I let her do it. Gentleman or not it certainly screwed my head around more then once.

I had finally enough. I promised myself that I was not going to actively search anymore. Possibly not even worry the rest of my life whether or not that someone special was going to cross my path.

Then one night I went to a bar that most of my then friends hung out. Hanging with friends who took me for what I was. ME! An old friend (who is female) who used to date a friend of mine came up to say "Hi". The idle chit chat that ensued was refreshing, catching up on a couple months of not seeing each other. We parted ways. (Or so I thought). She was playing a little game that I now like to call "Flirt and Run". She would pop up every so often and start to talk to me. Giggling and giving me that innocent look. I finally asked what she was up to. "Nothing", was the relpy, I knew she was up to something. What it was, I did not quite know, yet. This woman was perplexing. I had always thought she was a beautiful being. Inside and out. The thoughts of a relationship were always covered by the thought of what this beautiful woman would ever see in a guy like me. When she finally told me that she was flirting with another guy, I felt jealousy. It was not a wave of jealousy but a twinge of it. I could not understand why I felt this way. But I knew it was there. I told her she should be careful and she said she knew what she was doing. Now when I look back, maybe she knew all too well what she was doing.

She kept up her game for quite some time popping back over to me another three or four times. Every time I felt more and more like grabbing her and telling her not to do this. But it was not my place to do this. I think at that time that I had changed from thinking about her safety to curing my inner jealousy that I had felt.

Finally the time came. "Let’s go dance", I persuaded her. Her answer was a happy and bubbly "OK". Whether or not at the time her intentions were to throw me the hook to see if I would bite, but it seems that I had made her happy somehow. She set her beer on the table and (like it was in slow motion) proceeded to knock another one into my lap. This may have spelled disaster for most people, but it did not. I took it in stride. She apologized profusely and said that she would understand if I did not want to dance with her. By the hurt in her eyes I could tell that there was no way that I could not dance with her without the fear of never seeing her again. I told her that now she owed me a slow dance also. So long as she did not mind me having wet pants! That broke most of the tension. She lowered her head and looked at me through her lashes and told me "That is ok".

As we approached the dance floor, my luck would have it that they were playing a slow song. We danced. Closer and closer we drew our bodies closer together till we were cheek to cheek. The other guy she had been flirting with seemed to be almost forgotten. It was just this beautiful woman and I. We seemed to be the only ones that existed, in our minds anyway. We had danced before in the past, but the dancing never seemed to have the same feeling as it did this night. We spoke not a word yet we seemed to both be in a trance. The world around us seemed to be slowing down so we could enjoy this time. A surge rushed through me. I stepped back from her ever so slightly. I looked deeply into her eyes. Her eyes responded back looking deeper into my eyes and drawing mine in deeper at the same time. Her eyes seemed to poke and prod my brain. Searching every nook and cranny as if searching to see whom this man was. What was he about, knock, knock. Is anyone in there?

Maybe all the signs had been there. Maybe I had always wanted to be with this woman. Maybe I was always scared to approach her for fear of losing a friend. All these thoughts now had fleeted from my mind as I slowly leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead. I pulled back to see her reaction. Her face had this awestruck look that totally blew my mind. She did not pull away and run like I thought she might have. It seemed like her expression said "More please sir". I knew though now was not the time to push things too heavy. She was now under my spell as much as I was under hers. She drew me in closer and hugged me like I have never been hugged before. I reciprocated and drew her closer and felt the warmth of her body. Warming my inner being, as well as my pants that were laden with beer. We danced the rest of the slow songs together. Holding each other tighter and tighter as if we were both trying to savor every last morsel of this memory for years to come. As the slow songs faded and the faster songs came through the speakers, we both seemed to feel the same. "It can’t be over now". We slowly parted from each other. Our eyes locked and it was as if we both knew that we could do this. We made our way back to the table where my friends were still waiting. There was utter silence there. As if they all had experienced the same thing that we had. They were in awe of both of us. They had seemed to experience the connection and power that the two of us had just encompassed.

We both sat together. Trying to find the words that we wanted to say but still reeling from what had just happened. Both of our faces seem to say everything that words could not. We have a bond that we must persue.

Finally the silence was broken. As I looked down at my pants, she again apologized. I just raised my head and smiled. Not an evil smile, but one that said "It’s Ok." And everything will be all right.

That was enough to get us talking again. She asked if I would mind if she went over to say bye to the guy who she was flirting with. I agreed. After all who was I to tell her that she couldn’t.

I felt like the winner in a game where there is no winners or losers. But for the first time in my life I felt like I was the winner! As we proceeded out of the bar we talked about what we should do now. Maybe a coffee or a stroll in the local park. We agreed to get some coffee first. We strolled off to the car.

CRASH!!!!!!

Damn it all. The ex-girlfriend was there waiting. By the car. Ready to play her head games again. This time it seemed that she had it all planned out. She took one look at Raven by my side and gave a snarl that only enraged lionesses could ever reproduce.

"Can we talk?" she asked.

"For a few minutes I guess."

I turned to Raven and said that I would be but a few minutes. "Please wait", I begged of her.

I turned and walked to another side of the parking lot. Leaving Raven for the Lioness was the hardest decision I ever had to make up to that time in my life. I sometimes wish I hadn’t. But if I hadn’t, I would not have had the closure with the Lioness that "I" needed. When we had our solitude, I asked her what was up.

"Nothing. Just wanted to talk."

"You must want to talk about something?"

"Just wanted to talk", she said. The Lioness now seemed to be less tempered and relaxed. Then the bite came.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SLUT!!!", the lioness leaped and commanded.

"I don’t really think that is any of your business," was my reply.

To update a little. Once about a month before, I was hanging out in the normal quiet hangout where most of my friends would go to shoot the bull and drink coffee across from the local coffee shop. Yes it was the local small town "hang out in the parking lot" place. The Lioness was once again no where to be found. So I was just relaxing and taking life slow for awhile.

One of the local cops actually pulled up that night checking to see what a lone car with one person was doing sitting there.

"Just having a coffee. Just got out of the truck (I used to drive truck) and thought I would relax with a coffee sir." (Always show respect with an officer of the law and 9 times out of 10 they will respect you back.)

We proceeded to chat for about 10 minutes after that.

Back to the story now…

After the officer left, Raven pulled up in her old beat up Datsun 210. I think the thing was about 10 years old at the time. She had seen me there alone and since there was nothing happening at the bar she decided to chat for awhile. (that was my best explanation for why she felt compelled to talk to me) I must admit that trying to remember our conversation is quite difficult now as I found it hard to keep focused. Imagine for a minute an old rust bucket car (Sorry Raven but it was beat up) pulling up and this beautiful 5foot 6 woman with a short dress on and black coat stepping out. Not overdone with makeup because she didn’t need a lot. Hair up and looking MIGHTY FINE.

Raven pulls her car up about 10 feet from mine. Gets out and leans against her car. I stayed in my car trying to be the cool looking confident guy. (yea right!) So we carry on idle chit chat "Like how have you been?" "Whatcha been up to?" The kind of talk and kidding around that friends do.

All of a sudden this blue flash of a car comes ripping into the parking lot. It is the Lioness and her "Click" of friends. As she slams on the brakes I see the impending danger that is about to take place. The Lioness wants to rip apart the Raven. I seem to foresee the future and am able to leap out of my vehicle with the seat in a half reclined position. I catch the Lioness half way from her car and use my momentum to throw her off course. All the while she is spewing "What is this bitch slut doing here with you?" "Who the F does she think she is?" "Look at the way she is dressed! What a slut!"

All the mean while I am holding her back and defending Raven. What was a guy to do? I had nothing to hide from the Lioness. I have the right to talk to other people. She does not have the right to pummel every woman that even looks at me.

I think at this point in time was an awakening to the fact that I wouldn’t put up with bullshit like that from anyone. The Lioness would soon be out of my life. Thank God.

Oh yea get this. The reason she left me was because she found out someone we knew was a virgin so she wanted to get hooked up with him and "break his cherry"!! I think there should be a site on the worst break up lines that people have had or used.

The Lioness drove off and Raven and I continued our conversation. She thought that she should go. I told her to stay awhile that I could handle the Lioness. I proved that to myself that night.

Back to the parking lot. The Lioness says that she wants to talk. So far I don’t hear anything from her. I realize that she is trying to pull me away from Raven and the Lioness could give a rats ass about me except that she thinks she has control over me. One problem though. You can’t control someone when you don’t have control over yourself. Stick that in your pipe an smoke it "BITCH!"

45 minutes pass. Raven approaches. I approach her. She says that a friend will give her a ride home. I am now the one profusely (to say the least) apologizing. I tell her I will catch up with her later.

The Lioness now has me alone and thinks she is going to lure me into her den.

The topic slowly turns from I want to talk to I have a letter for you.

"Ok where is it?" I ask.

"It’s at home"

"Well let’s go over and get it."

"Not yet, let’s talk first."

"Ok I am all ears." The gentleman that I am.

Fifteen minutes or so of silence.

I finally speak up, "I will meet you at your place." as I am walking away. I get into my car. She follows me.

I let her pull into her driveway and I park on the street. "I will wait here."

"Ok I will be right back." She purrs with delight.

By this time I am quite tired as I put in quite a few hours of work each day. I fall asleep for about two hours. When I awake, I approach the house and knock. Of course the new boyfriend answers the door. With out a word he turns and gets the Lioness. He has obviously fell under her spell. She comes to the door and hands me a letter. "You can’t read it with me here." Fine I turn and leave. I get to the car and open it. It says practically nothing and obviously she just wrote it as the ink is still wet. I can’t remember what it said because it had no meaning behind it. I was played and she lost.

I didn’t talk to her for about three weeks after that. It made no sense to dwell on the subject. There was no subject. When an accidental meeting with her ensued, she asked what I thought of the letter. I laughed and walked away. Score the final point for Swamp!

Back to the lost time between waiting for the "Letter" (hardy hardy har) to the three week wait. I met up with Raven the next day. I once again apologized to her and told her I would make it up to her.

By this time I was scared that she would not have anything to do with me.

"Would you like to go out tonight, together?"

There was a silence. Once again through her lowered head, looking up at me through her lashes, the answer came. "Yes I would."

Happiness took the place of sorrow. I may still have a chance. Life once again was flowing through my veins. We set a time for me to pick her up at. I kissed her cheek and headed home for a shower and fresh clothes as I still hadn’t been home since the letter incident.

All was well at home. I was cheery. Jovial. In an overall Great mood. I had a renewed vigor in my body that I could not explain at the time. Going about my duties at home, I did the three S’s (shit, shower, and shave), put on some cologne (which I never really wore much), got into some clean clothes and had some nourishment to make sure I didn’t pass out or something due to starvation. By this time all of the excitement has really wore me out. I decide to take a little nap. But I don’t want to sleep too long.

I figure if I sleep with my feet on the floor and just lay my body down that I won’t sleep very long. So back I lay for a little nap. As I float off into "Never Never Land", I think about what the nights events will bring. I am happy as I drift into sleep. It is about one in the afternoon.

When I awake, I have a sense of confusion flow through me. "What the Fuck!"

"It’s eleven pm and I am still at home!!"

"Oh Shit"

If she wasn’t PO’d about last night, she sure must be now!"

I fly out of the house. I don’t even check my hair, or stop for a bathroom break. Raven doesn’t have a phone so I don’t even try the phone. May be I will get lucky and catch her at home.

My Lumina kicks into gear and flies comfortably down the road at about 115 miles per hour. I realize quickly that maybe I should slow down a bit. Wouldn’t want to crash and not make it there at all, so I slow to approximately 90 miles per hour.

When I finally get to her apartment about 10 minutes after I wake up, she is still there. A few of Raven’s and her room mate’s friends showed up. There is Raven once again dressed to kill and "LOOKING FINE".

Except the look on her face says that she is somewhat hurt. Once again I find myself apologizing and explaining what happened. She understands that I do put a lot of hours in at work and seems to forgive me. She just seems happy that I am finally there. And we are together.

posted by R McC 10/21/2000 4:29:05 PM