Wednesday, December 27, 2000On 9/23/2000Man, I just woke up and I have no idea why I dream such awful things. I dreamt of these kids who killed their mother. It was so graphic and nasty. I dreamt my car broke down because someone sabotaged it and then I was forced to walk down this deserted street at nite and two people started chasing me down the road. I ran but couldn't outrun them. I don't remember the sequence really of my dreams or how they were connected. I know that there was a replay of all of the dreams. In the second time around, I tried to make different decisions to save people's lives and my own. I knew what was going to happen so I'd try and get help and warn people. I told people to dial 911 and no one listened. I told people there was this house with kids and a mother who was about to die but I didn't know the address. I told them that people were after me trying to catch me so that they could hurt me. Everyone just thought I was a lunatic. I started off by filling my car with gas before I went down that empty road and stopped and told this lady that I needed to use her phone. Her house was near the house I knew to have the bad kids in it. So she was nice and I told her everything. She was prepared to help me and right then her son walked in and it was one of the kids who I knew committed the murder and he had small spots of blood on his soccer uniform. He lied about the spots. He didn't know who I was yet. Because this was a reply and I had not gone to the house yet in this replay. :) Man is this crazy or what? Do others dream this way?
So last nite in my dream, I'm walking down this strange city street during a nice hot day and I come across this group of people who have set up a bunch of tables with articles for sale and cups for payment and donations. One guy leans to me and says, Please help... I'm going on a trip and I need money. I look at the group of people and they look a tad scraggly and young... I think that maybe they are con artists and they are scamming people. I don't give a donation or buy anything but I continue to look around. A huge wind blows and things fall from the tables. I look on the ground and there I see a woven purse, and it looks exactly like mine! I realize it's dirty and empty as I pick it up to examine it. I turn to the red haired man who had approached me earlier, Excuse me, but this is MY purse, I say. He says, Oh really? But that is for sale, would you like to buy it? Buy it? I say. But it's mine! I want it back and I'm taking it. Now give me my stuff that was in it. I know you have my wallet and drivers license. The man gets angry. Look, lady, I didn't take your purse. We continue to argue. I became nearly hysterical, crying and pleading for just my license and credit cards etc. His friends got angry and confused. I was sure they were scamming me. All of a sudden we were in a small house, lived in by the sly group. I suddenly realized that this wasn't my purse and they hadn't stolen it from me. I'd left my purse at home. I was ashamed but full of pride and couldn't admit that I was wrong. So I continued and rationalized the worth of the purse out loud. Oh well, I said. Fine. I'll leave this purse. You can make money off of it. Don't worry about me...but if you find my wallet, let me know. Then it's another day and I receive some sort of announcement from the people in the house. They want me to return and bring some friends. I bring a few people over there and realize that they are making these fake Sheriff/Deputy picture ID's. They had a whole book on how to make them. For some reason this interested us. So they'd take our picture and cut and paste and laminate. Everyone got their ID finished but mine was messed up so I had to take a second picture. Somehow I never got my ID. All of a sudden the people were angry at me. They told me to run out of the house and up this huge yellow hill next to the house. I ran out the door and began up the hill. I looked back and saw three people, perhaps with guns, shouting at me angrily. I ran faster until I was over the hill. I looked forward. Nothing but yellow hills with grass made of like turf. I suddenly saw a group of people ahead. Everyone crawling quickly. They were but specks on the hills until I ran up to them. I got on my knees as they told me I had to. We crawled together as quickly as possible. I pulled ahead of the group a little. These hills were huge, like mountains, only smooth. Finally the group reached a neighborhood of large, expensive houses. There was a public park just beyond that. We were looking for water. So thirsty. We were also confused because we had no idea where we were. We found water and we found people to ask for help. They told us were were in another city, a suburb of the one we came from, miles from where we started. Somehow the hills were like a "worm hole". We traveled long distances in a short distance due to the magic of the hills. They looked around. Trying to find a way to continue their journey. Another worm hole I guess. They found a large tin pipe, like an exhaust pipe only big enough to crawl into. All of the hundreds of people crawled into it and disappeared into it's darkness. When the last tiny Chinese girl crawled in, she couldn't fit. Her little legs stuck out of the pipe. I pulled her out and looked into the pipe. There was no way we were going to fit. It seemed the pipe has shrunk slightly. I didn't want to go in there anyhow. I picked the little girl up in my arms and we returned to ask the people in the park for directions home. I told the little girl were were going home, she lit up, smiling excitedly. It was a long journey, but I didn't care if I walked all the way home. I just wanted to be home.
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11/29/00 Last night, I dreamt that somehow a man was in my family's house. He was a man we had trusted. My sister and I were in my parent's bedroom and he was there at the edge of the bed with a baseball bat. I knew my parents were in the other side of the house but I could not get off the bed to run for help. I think that I've had dreams similar to this before. They were always dreams where I became or at least felt like a victim. However, in this one, I ended up risking it and jumping from the bed (kinda like a flying squirrel) and on top of the man with the bat. I kneed him really good in the chest or groin and my sister and I ran out the door. About this time, I believe I sat up in bed. Or I may have still been dreaming. My heart was pounding in my chest and the adrenalin was pumping through me wildly. I was afraid to go back to sleep at that moment for fear that the dream would continue. I got up and walked around for a bit before making a cup of warm milk at 4 in the morning and returning to bed. I fell asleep hoping the dream would be different. It was. This time I dreamt I was a younger student and I had chosen to fly to another part of the country to study for the summer. When I got to the new place I had no where to stay. My teacher, a handsome young man with dusty brown hair, invited me to use his guest house. I was thrilled. He drove me there after school where I discovered he had a beautiful red haired fiance'. Apparently she lived with him in the main house and had been with him quite a long time. She welcomed me at first, but mostly because he did. Throughout the rest of the dream...
11/15/00 To catch up, last Saturday I went to my fraternity's formal dinner, dance and awards ceremony. It was lots of fun, very successful. The only regret I had is that we had to leave the place at 11, far too early. I came away from the event with 3 great awards- the President's Award, The J Oscar Webb Award, and the Most Outstanding Brother Award. I was so happy that I cried most of the night afterward. I took tons of pictures. I may post some in the future in another photo gallery on this site. Sunday night as I lay asleep in my bed I guess I was waking up slightly and as I opened my eyes I thought I saw a flesh and blood person standing directly beside my bed. I blinked and as I did I kicked hard at where the person had be standing, as if to karate kick them in the stomach to escape them. But I only found myself sitting straight up in bed alone, feeling confused and silly. I've been keeping quite busy this week. Did my last class speech for the semester on Monday and had my last statistics test this morning. All week has been an effort to recuperate from the weekend while studying and preparing for school. I teach my kindergartners for the last time on Friday and I think the kids and I will both be sad about that. They're so sweet. They like to hug my legs and say they love me and that my visits don't last long enough. I think I'll try to do Junior Achievement again next semester as well. It's very rewarding. Tonight was my first night in Level 2 T'ai Chi. Same teacher. Another 6 weeks. Tonight was only a review of half of what we learned in Level 1. Next time we'll perfect the entire routine. We learned some more self defense moves, just in time for the crazy holiday season. As I was leaving tonight he told me something that puzzles me in this moment but I fear it will make sense soon. "Things are all much better now. When the times come, keep your eyes open. And don't be in a hurry. There is no need to be in a hurry."
11/11/00 Last night I dreamed that I was back in high school. I had my uniform on at the beginning and was so bored with school. One day I was someplace and I saw this guy again that I had met previously. He sorta had that rugged Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall look. I thought he was so hot but I knew he was sorta rough and dangerous. I was looking for excitement so when he invited me out for a ride on his motorcycle I went gladly. We rode down little country roads and highways and zipped around curves so that I could feel wind in my hair and all over my body. I loved it. We ended up at the end of this very long road in the middle of no where, and there was a small house. We went inside and some friends of his were there waiting for the money he owed them. I waited patiently against the wall, slightly nervous, as he took care of business with them. I heard them whispering and laughing about something that he still owed to someone else. We hopped on the bike again and rode back out to the city. He took me to this fine restaurant, a very romantic setting, and I was fascinated. By this time it was late and night and as we were leaving, we glanced at the special reservation booth these men were sitting at in a dark corner. They smiled as they saw him but they made me nervous. The guy I was with approached them and they said something to him in low voices and we followed them outside. They began arguing; I backed away. There were two men now and they quickly began fighting with my guy. Before I knew what was happening both men lay dead on the ground, beaten to death. I wanted to panic but my guy just took my hand and led me to a small car nearby. We got in the car and drove quickly away. We continued to drive. I was now an accessory to murder, I believed. We had no choice but to run. We stayed in nice hotels from place to place. He worked odd jobs and so did I, then we move again. Constantly on the run through the western U.S. Once we had taken all our money out of our accounts, we were forced to stay at dirty hotels or in the small car that we'd stolen. I remember thinking to myself as I lay in the car at night with the windows cracked, how did this happen to me... We came to another small town in the middle of no where and I remembered that my sister lived there with friends. We went to stay with her for a night and then she and I took the car to go get gas. At the gas station, I reached in another car and took the wallet off the seat. She was in her school uniform,holding some sort of wine bottle, and asked me what was going on. I explained and she freaked. She threw the bottle down in front of the car and it shattered. I grabbed her and pushed her in the car, thinking she was drawing attention to me. We had to go pick up my guy from "work". He hopped into the car and drove us away quickly. I asked what was happening and he said we had to leave ASAP. I argued that we couldn't take my sister and he said it was too late for that. We'd kidnapped my sister now. Before I knew it we were in another state, once again on a desolate highway. He dropped us off on the side of the road telling us there was an abandoned trailer up a ways and to go rest there while we went and made some money. We walked through a field of tall weeds and arrived at the trailer where we ate and rested. My sister began to laugh at the whole situation, her still in her uniform and me in my boxers and T-shirt. I couldn't remember the last time I'd showered. I felt gross. I swept my hair up and we left the trailer to meet my guy again where he'd dropped us off. I kept thinking how could this happen to me? How and where did this begin? Where did I go wrong? I should have turned myself in at the beginning. But I couldn't think of anything I could have done differently. I wondered if all murders/kidnappers/robbers were just normal people who made mistakes, not the horrible monsters that we made them up to be. I believe I woke up then.
11/09/00 Tonight that feeling returns. The feeling I've felt inside my chest so many times. Right when I have convinced myself that never again shall I let something affect me that way. Perhaps this life path I chose to be independent and never cling to anyone. I chose personal growth and someone in my life, a significant someone, would only impede my progress. If this is so, which on nights like this I swear it to be so, then it is indeed difficult and lonely. Time passes and every era I forget this that I've convinced myself off and chalk it up to a bunch of nonsense. But it is right then that it is proven once again to me that I am supposed to be alone, maybe not forever, but for now. I keep waiting for the now to come to an end. But when will it be over? When, God, will I be ready?
11/09/00 Once again, it is Wednesday night and tonight was my final level one T'ai Chi class. I enjoyed it and needed it immensely. I will start level two next Wednesday and I'm very excited.
11/01/00 Yes, it was Wednesday again today. My day for T'ai chi class. I just got back from class. I feel so completely centered and calm right now that I wish I could feel this way all the time. Slowly, I see that it is possible. And there within lies a new power. I shouldn't say it's new because it is only newly known to me. My teacher told me tonight, "Chinese girl," like he always calls me, "good luck". He pointed to his smile. Then he looked at my shirt which has Chinese characters on it and it says Zen in English. He said, "When you meditate, do not just sit there. Look inside and see what is wrong. Don't just sit there. That is what the characters mean." Tonight he told us the story of the mask. He said when he was young he asked his master, "Master, why are all the people mean to me? How can i make people like me?" His master said, "you must wear the mask." He meant the mask of a smile. "But it on in the morning and take it off at night." But my teacher asked him, "Isn't that like a hypocrite?" The master did not answer. So my teacher wore the mask every day to work, smiling constantly. To his surprise everyone smiled back, but at night my teacher took off the mask and went to bed. Three months later, my teacher went to take off the mask of the smile and could not take it off. He was smiling naturally.
10/31/00 Last night I dreamt that my business fraternity received an invitation to participate in this competition held somewhere in the north west. 15 of us decided to go. Many other chapters were there also. We arrived at the lake which was placid and dark. The day was beautiful. Our chapter received 4 inflatable rafts. We split into groups, jumped into the rafts and began to paddle. We knew this journey would take days. The dangerous part was that there were alligators along the shores of the lake that you had to watch for. As we paddled we discovered that there were cliffs and rocks jutting out of the water that we could stop at and rest on. We just had to be careful that they were not full of alligators. The next day one of the rafts deflated while the group was paddling down the lake. The group members in that raft had to swim for a nearby rock that they could climb up on and be safe. The other members told them we'd send help or come back for them. They couldn't all fit in our rafts or the rafts would sink. The other three rafts continued on but one of our rafts separated from us and we could not find them. We passed other chapter's rafts but there was no one to help us find or rescue our friends. We decided to continue to the end. There would be help there. When we reached the other end of the lake, we pulled our raft out of the water and up on the shore. There were hundreds of people there including our friends who had been stranded and lost. There was a ceremony about to begin and we were asked to gather into our chapters and form lines facing a stage. There were a few speakers, such as the president of our entire fraternity and the president of the United States. Again it was beautiful outside and we were together and happy.
10/25/00 Sunday I went to my T'ai Chi teacher's home to hear his lecture on Chinese philosophy. Only a handful of people showed up but all were there for a reason. The voice in my head said, "I wouldn't miss it for the world." I went gladly and sat listening intently to the lecture. It was wonderful. It made so much sense. He described what the Tao was and the yin and the yang. He described evolution and heaven. He continued and compared and contrasted 6 of the major world organized religions. By the time he was finished, I saw there feeling reaffirmed and happy, nearly to the point of tears. My years of searching are at an end... My past seemed clear to me and I saw true happiness ahead. I realized that for most of my life, if not all, I've been searching everywhere for something or someone else to make me whole. No one can make me whole. I must make myself whole. We will be invited to a second lecture soon and there we will be given the chance to receive the Tao. I am choosing to receive it. The Tao is the "pathway". It is not a cult or organized religion, but rather an individual awakening, a ticket "home". Although after receiving the Tao, I realize I must make a conscious effort daily to walk the path, I find myself excited, overjoyed to have found the "something" at last for which I've been searching. That Sunday night I slept well but in the middle of the night was awakened. I opened my eyes, my head still on my pillow, and saw a large shadow. There was no light in my room before and the window had a blanket tossed over it. But there in front of the window was a shadow, large with hair and broad shoulders that could have been wings tucked back behind him. I stared and squinted in disbelief, a bit frightened. I blinked a few times to make sure I was awake and not seeing something that just made that shape somehow. Nothing. Before I knew it I had fallen asleep again and awoken the next morning, knowing someone/thing had been watching over me as I slept. Tonight at T'ai Chi my teacher told me, "You have a good heart and are doing much better. Much better. You will have a smooth life." I replied, "I hope so." He said, "You will- it is up to you."
10/19/00 I've been attending T'ai Chi Chuan classes for 3 weeks now. I do see a difference in myself- my attitude especially. Things don't bother me or upset me near as much or as quickly. I find myself noticing the way I carry myself. My teacher keeps telling me I need to slow down. So I am trying. At first I was like, slow down? I'm not fast! Then immediately I started noticing other things and people telling me to slow down as well. When I was hauling ass on the interstate, I noticed I was passing everyone up but then I'd get to a stop light and everyone I'd passed caught up to me at the same light. And I caught every red light. Then I decided to slow down driving because I mean what is the point? Endangering yourself and others just to be right with the same people you just passed. So I did and right over the next hill was a police officer with a radar gun. :) Every Wednesday night when we say goodbye to our teacher individually, he sort of reads us and give us his psychic advice. Last week's was amazingly true advice and brought tears to my eyes. I won't go into that just in case that person reads this. This week, last night, he told me I was doing much better and that something good is coming for me.
9/25/00 Wow, hehehe. You're saying here we go again. This girl is wacked.
9/11/00 Today is mom's birthday. We'll be doing the usual rigamarole (sp?) tonight, complete with cake and presents. I had this strange dream last night. I often have strange dreams at night. I believe they are anxiety related to the business fraternity pool party I'm hosting here this Saturday. Last night was kinda scary. I dreamt that ghosts could talk to me, like "Sixth Sense"-ish. They would wake me up or during the day tell me to do things for them .They'd tell me about things that were about to happen and warn me to protect people. I remember defending a guy friend of mine from a fight because the ghosts got inside me and made me strong and able to lift the guys up by their necks against the walls. Another weird incident in the dream was when I at a picnic with friends, parents, kids and the ghosts told me to warn everyone that these robotic puppies were coming to the party with remote controls and all. Well the puppies got there and looked so real and cute and no one wanted to get away from them. I told them the puppies were actually bombs but no one listened. Then one exploded and blood went everywhere and I woke up. I think it's safe to say my nights are far stranger than my days.
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