Friday, June 15, 2001

ok, not much time, but i needed to update. think everything's going to be fine. we talked and decided not to be so hostile to each other anymore. it makes it so much harder on us and everybody around us who has to hear about it. we're going to spend some "quality" time together before i leave and do our best not to end the whole thing on such a bad note. (i made him apologize until he cried about her; he knows all he had to do was wait a few weeks and none of this unhappy bullshit would've happened. he certainly would've never gotten clocked in the face friday!)

so this basically means we'll maybe be eating breakfast at klemm's candle-lite cafe one last time; seeing a movie together; sitting on the porch; going out to o's or something together; some random, nostalgic stuff like that. i don't really care what happens beyond this, but i guess i really don't want to lose him as a friend. i feel so much better about the prospect of leaving now that we're friendly. it's a lot harder to leave someone you hate first and love second than leaving someone you're fond of, care about and know you'll see again someday. and i'm excited for the both of us. we're really each doing what WE want to do. we're both getting out of here. even if my leave-of-absence is somewhat temporary, it's a precursor to something even better. who knows, maybe grad school at ball-state, maybe an international romance with a south african or even john cusack. :) either way, and despite whatever residual anger there's left hiding in me, i wish chad the best. i actually appreciate all he's done. it's going to help us both in the long run.

posted by amy at 10:44 AM | link

Wednesday, June 13, 2001

i just needed to post one more time before getting down to the nitty gritty on here. this took me quite a while today, and i've got about 50 more like it to go, so i really need to get focused and get crazy on it.

but first: i'm going to miss this damn place. this damn school, this town, these people. the air here. i know it's only for six months....but wow, it really makes me appreciate what i had/have here. i'll miss seeing little frankie-bonez grow; getting picked on by her father and then turning to him first when crisis relationship situations develop; sitting on that stupid porch on buena vista and listening to the locusts and crickets on muggy august evenings; stealing "lactation room" signs with jaclyn and hanging out with the kidz like back in the day; seeing people i know when i go out now; being familiar with all the streets and not having to think when i navigate my way through town anymore...

basically just being...comfortable. i thought i was so unhappy. isn't that funny? he got me stuck in such a fucking rut. (sorry...i haven't used that word in a while on here! but it went sort of poetically in that sentence.) i thought i could only be happy if i was with him. and yeah, the majority of happy times i recall immediately were shared with him, but most of my time in general was shared with him, so that makes sense. but not ALL of the happiness came from him, though; in fact, it's finally occurring to me that i could have had a much better time without him. those moments would have just been replaced by the other better people in my life. how hard is it to understand?

i have to ask myself that a lot. i have to.......stop talking about it again. it makes me cry! i'm not sure why, either, because i feel like everything really is going to be okay. i have to get through this coming weekend and i should be fine. it's not like i'm depressed about my life in general; i'm not sure what it is at all. i think i just miss him. the good parts of him. that doesn't mean i want him back. i think it's a good thing, sort of like i'm entering into the mourning stage, and soon enough i'll be in the clear. it's gonna be great.

posted by amy at 11:06 PM | link

Tuesday, June 12, 2001

sweet ol' jaclyn informed me that chad intends to call me sunday and ask about the friends' planned trip to cedar point the following wednesday. he says that i left him a note telling him to call me.

how do i feel about this, you ask? (or not, you probably don't care.) well, i'll tell you anyway. i feel...i feel.......i think i feel............

ARGHSTUPIDLYINGBASTARDIHATEYOUARGGGHH!

...something along those lines, i think. i most certainly did NOT tell him to call! it's funny that's how he interpreted it, because i ended the note with "GOODBYE." and this time i really, reeelly mean it, for god's sake. i don't care if he's there wednesday, but i'm certainly not going to speak to him or listen when he's speaking. if he had anything to say to me, he should've said it friday night when it really mattered. because now it just doesn't. it's not going to reverse the hole in my apartment wall or the one i think's developing in my stomach because of all this. it's not going to do a damn thing. it's not going to give me closure or make me feel better...it's just going to piss me off.

i'd just like for him to disappear. the anger has dissipated some, and i'm not sure i really want him to die necessarily...just dissolve and fade away. being with him was like a combination of fighting a disease and a bad drug habit. i guess those can probably be one-in-the-same, but i dunno. i am still resolute in the fact that nobody knows him like i do, and i wouldn't have stayed with him for so long if i thought he just simply didn't care. he does, he's just scared and his fear manifests itself in a very, very abnormal fashion. he wouldn't have screwed around with that girl and he didn't, i'm absolutely positive of it. we both know that the mere prospect of it was enough to make him feel a little tougher and a little better about himself. that's all he needed, that and to make me feel like shit about everything.

i'm not defending him. all that's more of an explanation than an excuse. it really doesn't help my situation any, but i haven't been able to talk about it so well with other people. last night pete finally asked what happened, and when i tried to tell him i started shaking (much like i am now) and it hurt to even think about it all. about the way we both acted, about what happens now........

and anyway, it makes my stomach hurt. i feel like i've got a ball of hot nausea, whatever that is, right smack in the middle of my abdomen. i'll probably o.d. on tums before this day is through. last night i kept waking up in pain (despite the pleasant sex dream i recalled having, this afternoon.) my mouth feels all acidic and i can't even think of eating. this is messed up. I WANT MY MOM!

posted by amy at 6:47 PM | link

Monday, June 11, 2001

i've just got to state for the record that i'm gettin' real tired of hearing (to use w.r.'s term in r.b.) "tweaked out little skanks" listening to the remix of "lady marmalade." do any of them even know it's not an original? that the christina aguilera version pales in comparison to patti labelle's? okay. i needed to say that. (some ho was jamming to it here in the computer lab a minute ago.)

posted by amy at 9:27 PM | link

once again, i find myself more and more pressed for time and less and less able to get on here and post. which is a shame, because it really helps me stay sane. i haven't had the time or energy to sit down and write with a pen.

here's what's on my mind: 1) getting this website done by friday; 2) getting all my stuff packed up for this weekend's moveout day - sunday?; 3) unwinding, relaxing and just plain de-stressing myself - primarily so my goddamn skin will clear up in time for mandy's wedding - it looks like it will be a sweltering one according to the forecast; 4) sending out my BUNAC info so i can get my work permit and get the hell outta here; 5) NOT thinking about this chad thing; and 6) breathing this air and enjoying the fact that i'm going to be okay, that this will all seem so impertinent someday and i'll have bigger and better things to care about. hopefully a bigger and better person to care about. (i think i just broke #5.)

but whatever. that's really it, i guess. some of the weight was relieved, with the moveout date bumped back. but i'm still preoccupied and so upset about what happened with him, and i'm trying not to express it for fear that everyone will start screaming, "don't go back to him again, for christ's sake! why are you upset over that asshole? what's wrong with you!?" well, i'm certainly NOT going to go back to him, that's for sure this time...but i'm still hurt and disappointed and ashamed and embarrassed....of me and him and our entire joke of a relationship. and for how long we let all that go unchecked. i mean, if one of my own friends was describing even remotely similar situations to the ones i've been involved in with him over the past few weeks, i would probably want to smack 'em in the forehead. so i can understand where everyone's coming from, completely. i just want this closure...putting that key in the mailbox and driving away was one of the hardest things i've had to do in a long time, but it really felt like it was it. and it will feel even more so once i get all those pictures collected together and placed in the infamous box with all the rest.

the only problem is that i think i'm going to need a bigger box. e says i'm too cynical and stubborn, and maybe (haha) he's right...but i don't expect i will get involved with mr. right over in london. the plan is to go over with a mini-cassette recorder for when i can't write (or type on the phat laptop i'm gonna purchase) and record all things introspective. i want to enlighten myself, more than anything. it's a shame the way we humans are built - we can't even figure ourselves out, most of the time. it's going to take a lot of focus from me and a lot of concentration - i have a feeling there will be plenty of distractions over there that i will have to learn to resist. ahh, more later....gotta get back to priority numero uno.............

posted by amy at 9:11 PM | link

Thursday, June 07, 2001

hey, i know, i know. i've been mia for a few days, huh? ok, like a week. went home to visit the fam and witness my little bro graduate from h.s. saw some people i didn't need and/or want to see, but that's ok. then we went off to lovely sandusky, ohio, for three days and spent all of tuesday at america's roller coast, cedar point. weather was crap but all in all a great time. it meant we didn't have to wait longer than 1/2 an hour for any ride the entire day. ant and i did the rip cord and i nearly shat myself; we rode every roller coaster in the park, including the millenium twice; we dipped candles in frontier town; took old-timey photos, in which ant dressed as the bitch and i was the dude!; i ate some fudge and an icee and pizza and all sorts of other stuff that's bad for me; we raced go-carts and played goofy golf; and i spent an undisclosed amount trying to win a gigantic stuffed curious george in the ring toss game.

so, like i said, all in all a great time. now it's surreal to be back here and have to prepare to move out next weekend. i don't have any boxes and my motivation is in the negatives right now. i've got to finish the website by next friday, all while packing and dealing with chad and making plans for flying to london and getting a job and living there. no idea where my suitcases are and ma is in reno or some shit with joe...not sure when they get back, either...and back to that dealing with chad thing........oh nevermind. i'm not sure it's even worth the effort to type about it. i just can't picture how everything's going to work out and i'm scared, in a nutshell.

but i'm pumped, at the same time. i need to get going.

posted by amy at 10:15 AM | link