Sunday, September 16, 2001

(4:16 AM)      I feel odd. From being angry and hurt to... I don't know what. I think it's finally happened. I am numb. Alan blames himself for messing me up so much. He did not. I was already in pieces when he found me... He just distorted them so badly that it's impossible to put them back together again. It makes me think of ashes being blown in the wind. He was supposed to be my hero... The one to save me from me. I'm not mad, nor hurt, I don't think... Possibly I just feel justified? I usually love to live in the past, but for some reason I can't keep a running train of thought about what he told me. Either I have "grown" like I wanted, or the blow from this new information has knocked me so hard that I can't think straight anymore. Either is very possible... It would be so different if there was any hope between us, which a really sick part of me still does wish for, but there is not... the drugs and fear drive me away. I don't think it's possible to ever fall out of love with someone; or, that is what experience is showing me. I'll always love him in some way. Sarita, my suitemate, said I was repeating my parent's relationship, which sickens me. And doesn't surprise me.

(4:04 AM)      Sometimes I wonder just what I did... If there is a god... I've tried so hard to be happy. So much so it exhausts me. I just can't do it any longer. I'm afraid I'll crumble in half if I even move. It just keeps breaking, my heart... cracks on top of cracks. Apologies no longer have a meaning to me. The fact that the very sight of me no doubt reminded him, made it float just behind his eyes, and I had been just so happy to see him... Nothing else was more important when I looked at him. The fallback, am I. Where everybody knows your name: the familiar one. Old faithful: the easy fucked up girl who wanted someone so bad to have her, if even for a moment. The one who willingly risked everything for a warmth... the gullible one who was pitied. I was used. It stings and it burns. Why would anyone be deserving of this. Why do I.

(1:54 AM)      I really love Beverly, but the things she said about the incident and America hurt me to read. Makes me wonder how many other jealous people there are out there... I really do love this country. It makes me feel safe, which is something it usually accomplishes. I believe that anything America does, it always with the best intentions, even if they are NOT the right solutions. I don't much care about those people's feelings toward American involvement in the middle east when they were seen chanting "God is good" and throwing candy and shit when they heard the news. Things like this cannot, and will not be tolerate by the US. The reason why America was not ready for something like this is because it SHOULD NOT HAPPEN, and a slight slap on the wrist won't stop it from happening again. What some people do not quite get is this: examples need to be made. In truth, the only reason people conform to any law or moral is because they have seen it demonstrated as something not to be done, or they are given hard proof as to why. Terrorist acts like this cannot go unpunished, if not only in respect for those who senselessly lost their lives. I am usually against war, but all I need to think of is this: What would it have been like to be in one of those planes? What would it have been like to be in one of the twin towers, and while throwing a casual glance over your shoulder to the window you see one of those two planes? What if you were one of those who chose to jump instead of clasping inside of the buildings, knowing you only had those two options? What if any of those was one of your family members instead? Not that these questions would not be proposed, but I know for certain that I will look at other world crisises with a more personal light - it's a lot different once you have experienced. I thought I could parade around with my nose in the air, too, and think of millions of ways it could have been avoided and millions of things to place blame on. But, in truth, if you have nothing compassionate to say, you have no right to fucking open your mouth and spout such disrespectful rubbish. What's done is done, and the blame of who started it no longer matters. America was not the one who brought measures to such extremes. But the ones who did will pay.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

(7:35 PM)      Watch them pull some shit during the night.

(3:02 PM)      When you walk down the hallway, all you hear is TV's. Everyone's door is open. Even when you walk outside, the sound carries threw the windows. Everything is closed, all the sites on the internet are down... I can't even begin to believe the response this is having on the world...

I walked into my Government classroom, purposely early, and the few people that were in there were motionless, gazing up at the TV, as was the professor. I looked up, and was shocked just by the image... smoke just billowing out of those buildings. When I heard that a plane had crashed into it, my first instinct was that it was an accident. I felt sick when I heard otherwise. We watched for 20 minutes, until the class was full, and then went to class like normal. I had almost forgotten about it. When class ended, he immediately turned the TV back on. The buildings were gone. They were mentioning the pentagon, but I had no idea it had been hit as well. During class I had already decided that i was skipping Geometry, simply because I hate it, but now i was just feeling sick. I rushed back to the room and turned the TV on immediately. I started getting choked up, and my arms felt heavy. My chest still feels clenched.

(10:50 AM)      Jenn is gone Jenn is gone Jenn is gone... Until Sunday afternoonish. Or possibly Monday, depending on how bad she feels. I got to sleep reeeeaaaall good last night. No one playing music, or watching movies, or anyone to wake me up with their stupid alarms. I set the fans so they were all pointing right at me, and I got to sleep the way I used to at home - just in underware. Night shirts always cling to the comforter, as well as shorts/pants, and restraints movement... Really doesn't work for a person who likes to toss and turn. Now, I got to sit here in SILENCE, because that's what I want. Damn... This makes being an RA very tempting.

(11:32 PM)      I got really pissy with Vince last night. I've been asking and asking him to come and see me, but he keeps responding "I would get in a lot of trouble for that." Such fucking bullshit. I don't suppose it's wroth trying anymore. Screw it. It seems very much like he himself doesn't want to visit me, which is just fine. Not like I can make him, because I have tried. Tried joking about it to make it funny, tried being serious and convincing, and last night I just got mad. Not worth the worry if nothing will come of it.

Jenn's attention ego has swelled incredibly since she's been sick. Sick since Monday. On Wednesday, me and Serita went to the RA because she had a really bad stomach ache, and he called a girl over, who called the RU EMS just to ask a question, but they ended up sending an ambulance with cops and all sorts of stupid shit. They all praised me for notifying them, but Jenn never said thank you. But the RA that I contact about Jenn, Alex from the second floor, was standing in my room when he noticed that I had Mario Kart in my N64. He said he was great at that game, and we were talking, and we said we could possibly play over the weekend and he thinks he'll kick my ass (haha). Anyway. I made Jenn soup yesterday afternoon, but she didn't finish it... Barley touched it, actually. I think it's still sitting on her desk, too. But I made a friend in the kitchen, whose name was Monique, and I got to talk about the ambulance since it was my roommate. This morning, Jenn had a doctor's appointment, and she was so tired, and I offered to walk her down there. No, she didn't want to do that. She asked me to wheel her down there in the wheel chair that she got from the doctor's yesterday. And I did. Up hills, no less. I stayed with her until they called her name. Then I left, saying that when she was ready to leave to call me. I got the call about 20 minutes later, and I walked all the way back up there and wheeled her back. Actually, we stopped by the bookstore, which I wheeled her around in, and she got some throat things and some water. Even though we had the same water at the room she got more there because they were bigger bottles... and she made me put one back because she wanted one that wasn't dented, and when I took it from her I instinctively put my thumb beside the dent and pushed and the dent instantly went away. I got her another one, anyway. Then, when we came back, she thought it would be a good idea to do her laundry. She asked me to help, and I did. She went to Wal-Mart with Mike from across the hall, and during that time I went back downstairs and put Jenn's clothes in the dryer. Never once was there a "thank you".

Thursday, September 06, 2001

(12:22 AM)      You know... I don't know who's been coming to THIS blog from a RADFORD.EDU connected computer... But I know you're there, I can see you in my stats. You worry me... You worry me allot. It makes me very uneasy to know you're reading this. Reading THIS. I know when you come here, too; the times are there. I could possibly determine who you are just by the hours you keep. Hell, you could be one of my suitemates. You better be one of my suitemates. Otherwise... I will find out... I'm not sure what is worse, knowing or not knowing who you are... Tis some creepy, creepy shit.

(12:10 AM)      EEEEE... I'm so fucking happy. I got everything running again, somehow. I had to use two tries with getting windows to install properly, as well as all the other crap. I'm no where near done with putting everything back... I think I'm the most pissed off about my bookmarks being gone, since I've been creating off the same ones for almost two years and I used them daily. Fuck. Anyway, yeah. I'm simply tickled.