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Pessimistic Daisies
What's a girl to do when she discovers she's made a horrible mistake in judgement? Run.
So I did. And thus ends the Mike episode.
posted by Former Newt 9/28/2000 9:41:38 AM
It's been so long since I blogged. Whoops.
I love someone. And he loves me. And I can't do crap all about that. We've overtalked about it, and I want to phone him and talk more about it, but... what's the point? I like him. I liked him for a good portion of high school, though I didn't really realise that at the time. He liked me for the same portion, and it didn't even cross my mind, because I was convinced that he liked my best friend. (Though he spent time with me, and talked to me, and touched me, and called me, and asked me to the movies, and... I'm so dumb sometimes.)
And now he's asking me about the time I kissed him, and saying he looks at it differently now because he knows me better, yet he can't explain how he looked at it before OR now. I think we've implied the way that we feel about each other, and been blunt enough with each other that it's clear that we like each other, now. And we did then.
But, the thing is... I'm a Christian, and he's not. And while that seems to be a rather ignorant thing for me to be sticky about... I can't reconcile continuing to work at a Christian bookstore, and loving prayer meetings, and planning to go into missions next year, and saying, "Yeah, my boyfriend's not a Christian." It just doesn't compute.
I can tell him about the beautiful books I'm reading about Jesus, and about how wonderfully Jewish he is, and about how God is teaching me to love others, and how giddy He makes me sometimes, but ... he's not going to understand. I want someone who can not only understand, they can spur me on. This is my love in life. This is my utmost joy. This is all I am passionate about...
Then there's the fact that I'm a virgin and happy (very very happy) that way, and he is not, and I don't think he would pressure me a lot, but it would be a tension.
But, I don't know how to continue a friendship with all this "I miss you, I love you" crap in it. How does that work? I don't want this choice to be between completely ditching on him or dating him, but I don't know what other choices I have. Mmm... frustration.
posted by Former Newt 9/24/2000 1:38:22 PM
Silly, silly boys. Why do they have to go and complicate things? :)
I had a really long discussion with my friend Mike the other day.
Me: So, if the opportunity arose, would you date me?
Mike: Honestly, I think I would.
later...
Me (trying to explain how I find close friendships with guys tricky): Well, take us. We're just friends --
Mike: Well...
I don't know what's going on now. I like him, but I wouldn't date him, and he knows that, and we discussed that a lot, but I still want to hang out with him. Things will probably start appearing like dating, and then what's the point of saying we're not dating? I don't know. I don't want to get too involved with someone that I'm sure I'll break up with in a year's time. Or someone that can't relate to me on issues that are really important to me.
And then there's Tim. Sweet, sweet Tim. He's dropping hints all over the place that he likes me again ... But he flirts a lot anyways. Tim's one of those guys that flirts with everyone, not as a player, but just because that's how he relates to people. Then he's got this whole other set of actions that are his real flirting, and I think that's what I'm seeing. I had a dream last night that he asked me out because he said something along the lines of "I'm sick of being just friends, but acting like we're dating ... you always do this ... make up your mind ... blah blah blah...". All through the dream, I couldn't make up my mind what to answer him, and I still can't. Tim and I are going to hang out tonight. The only plans are that we'll go hang out, just us, in the space between 4 and midnight. I'm trying to decide whether I'll talk to him about Mike or not. I usually tell Tim everything and anything. I'm also deciding whether or not I'll ask him what's up with the different flirting.
In other news, I'm moving out tomorrow! I'm so focused, eh? Yeah... I get to buy groceries.
On Monday night, after my prayer meeting, Ian asked me out for coffee. Not a date, I'm 98% sure, but very cool indeed. I get all excited when people from my church/prayer group show interest in my life. It's also funny, because I'm starting to realise that he's not so much of a goofball as I first thought he was. He's just very enthusiastically positive when he's nervous. Now he's not so nervous around me, so he talks like a real person TM!
posted by Former Newt 7/27/2000 7:43:46 AM
Moving out this week. Not sure what day, still have to talk to my roommate...
Yesterday, I was really happy. [happy sigh] Worked until 4, and lots of fun people came in. We also got Interac this week, so I got to play with that. Tim came in around 2, and we decided to meet at my place at 4:30. A family from my church is moving, so we had a goodbye potluck picnic for them. Tim and I brought water balloons. :) Much fun. Then we took off and hung out at Ed's place. I love Ed. He is priceless, and much nonsense comes out of his mouth that makes me laugh way too hard. Seven of us ended up going to see X-Men, which was a fun movie. Tim paid for me. (Yay!) He drove his sister home first, and then drove me home and stayed at my place until about 3:30 AM.
Melissa stayed up and talked with us. She swore a lot to show that she is cool. She's insecure like that. I wish she would realise that she is more cool when she doesn't try to be shocking.
Tim and I are going to play again on Thursday. I'm not sure what we're going to end up doing. He promised that we can play from 4 until 12, because he has to work at midnight. Just me and him. Because I requested one-on-one time.
I'm not really great with large groups right now. All I really want to do is curl up in Tim's arms and whisper about things that we don't tell just anybody. I love being vulnerable with him. I wish I could sort out how I felt about him. I wish I had the guts to ask him how he feels about me. He flirts with everyone; that's just his character. But he looks after me when we hang out with people. And he tells me that he thinks about me a lot. He tells me he loves me when it's totally out of context, which surprises me, and my friends.
We're not dating. We did 3 years ago. I was obsessed with him for 3 years. He's the only guy I could say that I ever loved, if it was love. It was grade 10, who can tell? Everyone is in love at 16. That doesn't mean it's real love.
I know I love him, but I love a lot of people.
I love Renata because she is absolutely and completely silly, but she also makes beautiful music. And because she says things like "If I can spell it with my body, then it's true!" in all mock-seriousness.
I love Shane because ... I don't know why. Because he needs someone to accept him even when he's being a screw-up. Because I see someone beautiful underneath his putz-ness.
I love Janice because I have shared so much with her, because she was my high-school best friend and we did so many crazy cool things. We saw so many concerts, and met so many people, and laughed and cried and yelled our way through high school together.
I love Melissa because she is my precious, precious sister, and I don't want to see her get hurt. I love the way she laughs, and I wish she would trust me enough to cry with me. I love the small child that I remember her being, and I love her companionship.
I love JoHanna because she is the only person I would consider living with right now, and because of her passion for the youth she works with. I love her bluntness, and how she taught me vulnerability. I love her art and her anal retentiveness. I love her honesty.
I love Tim's silliness and his inner beauty. I love the way he searches his mind and heart for what he wants to do in life. I love the way he invests in people's lives. I love the way he holds me. I love that he is touch-person, that he will give me the physical contact that I need. I love to watch him sleep, and I love his honesty. If he died, I would break. When my grandmother died, he was the only person I wanted to see. The only one I wanted to hold me.
I'm a bit verbose today. Wow.
posted by Former Newt 7/23/2000 7:24:47 PM
Sometimes, I hate my ISP.
posted by Former Newt 7/17/2000 10:18:25 PM
Oh my goodness, what a crazy week! I'm working at a day camp, with about 30 kids between 5 and 12. It's so exhausting!
I've started packing up my stuff for the big move... 98% of my books and CDs are in boxes... I feel rather stripped of media. I'm not going to have a TV, and for this I am glad. TV stinks. Half the time, I don't like the show/jokes/crudeness, but I watch it anyways. If I don't have a TV, I won't get stuck in that.
And I can still watch Big Brother whenever I want. Ha.
Speaking of Big Brother, I don't want Will OR Jordan to get the boot. They're my favourites. Brittany is too whiny. The rest of them are either pathetic or boring. Like Curtis, and the black chick... they never say anything! Oh well. Finally, a day off tomorrow... my first in a week! Yay!
posted by Former Newt 7/16/2000 9:13:17 AM
Apples, apples, apples. That's all I have to snack on. I'm a snackaholic. I never really thought about it before, but I'm always eating. When I watch TV, when I read, when I'm on the Internet... all the time. It's a good thing I have a nice metabolism that makes it virtually impossible to gain weight ... I once ate 12 popsicles in one all-nighter. I suppose I should have noticed my snackaholic-ness a few years ago.
I wish I had more black friends. It's pathetic that I only know one person who is black right now. Stupid white area. I wish seeing black people wasn't such a novelty. I wish I was more cultured. I wish I was black so I could have interesting skin and cool hair. And I also wish I had a pony. Well, no I don't. Ponies irritate me.
I was so lazy today. I accomplished next to nothing. I hope my sister brings donuts home. :)
posted by Former Newt 7/9/2000 10:26:05 PM
Uber.nu : Better than you. Daily. These guys make me laugh. All the time. :)
I wish my friends would hurry up and call me already. I've been waiting for an hour. Holllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy!!!!
It has been raining 5/7 days a week in the last month. That is unprecedented for Ontario. We're supposed to be having 90º weather! But no, just rain, rain, and then... rain! Great... Lots of lightning though, so that's cool.
posted by Former Newt 7/9/2000 7:13:03 PM