It's been awhile since I last wrote a rant. A lot has happened, yet then again very little has happened at the same time. Life is going on, just as it was months before and just as I pray it will be for years to come. I just read Tom Servo's (a cool ass person's) rant, and I guess it inspired me to write one of my own. Once again, I don't know where this is going. I'm going to try to get some things down, and hope it turns out all right.

We know where we all began, for the most part. We know we we've been. Most of us know where we are. That's a given. Yet, the one thing that haunts each and every one of us is...where are we going to be? I have no idea where my life is headed. I pray for a sign, yet nothing happens. I know what I DON'T want to do with my life...and I have dreams of what I want to do...yet I don't know what's going to happen. I have choices...oh boy, do I have choices.

A lot of people say I should just be a writer. Well, I enjoy writing a lot...I really do. Except, I just can't write all the time...it never works. I've only actually completed two short stories. I have a bunch of songs, but I get disappointed in a lot of them (even though others say they're incredible). I've tried starting a novel...but I can't stick on a concrete idea. Everyone can relate to my rants and essays I write...and I've come up with great advice and "Life Lessons" for people. You'd think that's a lot, wouldn't you? Well...I just can't write all the time...my mind can't handle it. I get writer's block every other week. It's horrible. Even if I wanted to do it for a living, how the hell can I get my writing out to the world? I've had a lot of people read some of my stuff through the internet...but that's not going anywhere soon. So there's one dead end.

Then...there's acting. Recently I had a monologue in this school play. I really despise school plays because they pick the worst shit to perform, but I had to be in this one for my acting class. After I performed EVERYONE I knew that saw it came up to me and said things like "Wow, you surprised me...I didn't think you'd be any good", and "You were great!". My mom is so proud. Then there's my little brother. He's eleven and he's telling me "You have a gift, you should keep with it". Well, the thing is...I don't want to keep with it. Sure, I have fun acting...but it needs to be on my own terms. Nothings that way, especially not in school plays. So, I want to be a director. Now that...I truly love. I have a passion for film. It annoys a lot of my friends because they don't get into it as much as I do. Not just the movie and plot...but the hidden meanings, the camera angles, the emotions, and the directorial technique. I've filmed a couple of things myself...I absolutely love it. Yet, everyone's yelling at me to act...well I don't want to. I don't know what to tell them though...

My last chance...music. I play guitar, and I'm pretty good at it. I'm not spectacular but I'm good enough to play in a band. I play more of a death/industrial/gothic style. It's unique, which is why I have fun with it. Yet, I have a passion for singing also. Everyone tells me I have a damned good voice (sounding like Aaron Lewis and Eddie Vedder). Still...I'm not content with it because I need to get my screaming at a better level (and I have a lot to scream about). Well, I'll work on that. So...the problem with this life path. I've tried time and time again to get a band together...it never works out. We're always missing something (usually a drummer). Ground Zero and I have been playing together for awhile...bass and guitar and duet vocals. We have our routine down...but now we need to find some others to complete this. Only problem is, now he lives 2 1/2 hours away. Until he can drive, this isn't going to work.

So, it seems I have a lot of talent...yet nothing to do with it. Now, how does this make me feel? Lost. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I know for a fact I can't do anything outside of these areas...but I can't get anything inside my talented areas straightened out. I'm so confused...

All right, I'm stuck with what to write now. I really don't know how to feel. I don't think I'm depressed...then again I might be leaning towards depression again. I guess the word I used before would describe me...lost. That fits...a bit too perfectly. I guess I was originally intending to write about other things, but that all changed now. Yet...how is my life going?

Well...I don't have a girlfriend right now. I did, but for some reason I couldn't handle it. The mere fact that I was dating this girl ended up fucking with my mind. She was good looking, but we had nothing in common. I guess I let my hormones get the best of me, which is why I ended up going out with her. We didn't do anything, mind you...because I couldn't bring myself to it. She always asked me why I held the door open for her. I just said..."Well, that's the way I was brought up. I always do it." Later, she called me a suck up because I actually engaged her parents in conversation, was polite to them, and said "thank you" for a ride home. Once again I tried to explain to her how I was brought up that way. I don't think she understands that I was just a nice guy. Oh well, she's over. I broke up with her because when I was with her I just couldn't figure myself out. I kept asking myself "why am I doing this?"...and I couldn't come up with an answer.

Things have been better since I broke up with her, but recently I have another problem. I think I'm in love. Now, this is not some bullshit thing here...because when I say this I mean it. I'm not one to use those words lightly. Well, this girl...I've known her for awhile now. She's one of my really good friends. We've flirted before and all, but she's never been interested in me...at least I don't think so. I told her before that I would die to just go out with her, but she had a boyfriend at the time. I don't think she has one now, but I don't know what to do. This is confusing the hell out of me...maybe I'll just talk to her. Well...I'll figure this one out on my own.

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NOTE: The last paragraph is now a complete crock of bullshit. I was messed up that night, and have since realized that I was wrong. Now I know what I'm looking for; a woman that I can truely confide and tell anything too, while still having a relationship. These are very hard to come by. So until then, I just have my hormones.

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So, I don't know where I'm going. All I know is where I've been. I've been through hell and back. That's one of the reasons "The Fallen One" has become my name. It represents me. I've plunged from what could have been paradise, by coming to realization. I've acknowledged the horrors and atrocities of the world. Now, I spend every word I write or say trying to show others the horrors of the world. I must show them the evils of humanity. I guess that's my goal. I'll accomplish it through song, text, and film. I know I have people to help me along the way...but sometimes I need to be able to get out of things on my own. The problem with that, I'm doing a pretty bang up job. I'm confused and I don't know what I'm confused about. I don't suppose they have a hotline I can call about this sort of thing.

Going back to Tom's previous rant, he mentioned the similarities between him and Ed Gein...and how it scared him. Well, I just want to say that he's not alone. Myself...well I get these really messed up pictures in my head. If I see someone I don't like, or just someone I don't know...I sometimes get a flash of morbid imagery. My own hands defiling them in some way...causing pain and death. I don't know if this is normal, but I do know this is what a lot of serial killers have experienced (I've read enough about them). They often say they have impulses to kill...and I realize that's what I have. Yet, I know I can't act on these impulses. I pray I never will. Yet, if everything falls to shit one day...if I'm left with nothing (not a materialistic nothing...I could care less about material things. This is more of a mental nothing, a loss of hope)...then what? Will all that's left be my thoughts? My impulses? I pray I'll have more...or never get to that stage. I keep thinking back to a quote from a song I wrote...and something I wrote to my brother once...

"Close your eyes and then you will see, a thousand souls in pure agony" ~ A verse from The Fallen One's "Gateway to Hell"

Demons haunt my past. Ghosts appear in my present. Darkness lingers in my future. I've seen a lot of shit. I've been through a lot. I have to move on from all of that, I realize that now. Yet, I only have one thing that can possibly break through the darkness...hope. Hope is my guiding light. I pray that everything will work out all right. Because if it doesn't...well...then I guess it's all over.

~The Fallen One

First off I wanna say is that you can't just say 'fuck the government and everything it stands for'. Why you ask? Because the government is the only thing that is keeping us from anarchy, which some of you may like, but where there's anarchy there is no peace, no morals, no respect for others. Without these things there are no boundaries in which we are bounded by. Without these boundaries there is more heartache, misery and everything else imaginable that will be unleashed. So we must work with what we have, no matter how much we hate or like it or how jaded or fucked up it is, we must work with the scraps we're given. A lot of people, maybe none of you who are reading, but a lot of people think that what the candidates say is true or will happen. Hellllllllllllll no. None of that is happening. None of it will make it by the congress. So, instead we must see it for what it is, an average person, with power, to decide if we goto war, and what justices are on the supreme court, which by the way, have the power to change the laws. Republican or Democrat you ask? My vote would be Democrat if I was 18, why? Because I believe in a woman's right to choose, and if you vote republican, Bush will make sure he puts on the justices to ban birth control and any other form of contraceptive, besides condoms. Basically, when we vote or when we look at a candidate, we look at their character, and ultimately what they can do for us, or the country overall. Bush wants to give tax cuts to only the rich which would drop their taxes to 17%, they are only paying 23% already. The avg. middle class American pays 45% in taxes, 45%!!!!!!! We are the ones paying for health care, food stamps and such. We, the middle class pay for all that with 45 cents of each dollar, and we only make 25-75k. Now the rich, or wealthy, who make 100k and above each year, obviously can afford to pay for this but don't, why? Cause as the time old saying goes, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. So as we get closer to the election, and you may be voting, keep in the back of your mind, not what they say they're gonna do, but if they are gonna keep or change the government to running the way you want, and that's your vote.

The first one is called Influence by Robert Cialdini. Subtitled, How and Why People Agree To Things. This for me, and I'm only half way through it, has changed my life. It shows you, without cramming down your throat, subtle things that change the dynamic of a conversation, argument, or even a simple question. By knowing how to approach someone and knowing the right thing to say is essential to effective communication, which we all thrive and live on.

Example:

This is called the rule of reciprocation. The rule says that we should try to repay, in kind, what another person has provided us. If a man sends us a birthday present, we should remember his birthday with a gift of our own. If someone invites you to a party, you should invite them to a party of your own. By virtue of the reciprocity rule, we are obliged to the future repayment of gifts, invitations, favors and the like.

Basically, if someone does us a favor, we feel obligated, or obliged in a future engagement as a 'payment' for previous actions of that person.

The second book is called 7 Kinda Of Smart by Thomas Armstrong. Subtitled, Identifying and Developing Your Many Intelligence's. In this book, it simply points out the 7 core intelligence's we all have inside of us, which are: Linguistic, Logical-Mathematical, Spatial, Musical, Body-Kinesthetic, Interpersonal, Intrapersonal. A person who is highly evolved in Linguistic intelligence, which is the intelligence of words, whether its usage, pronunciation, or size of vocab, may not be quite as evolved in the Spatial intelligence, which is thinking in pictures or images. Whether you are good at all these or just one, in helps you learn them and opens the door to building them up.

Those things are books. The first one I read is titled Journey to Ixtlan. I forgot who wrote it, it was Carlos Castanella or something like that. It was about the teachings of Don Juan Matus. It is incredible. If you can find it in a store, buy it. It has a unique view on reality, and unreality. I'm sick and tired of people being only able to see what's in front of their eyes. So, this book came along at the right time for me. The second book is titled The Celestine Prophecy and was written by James Redfield. This book will change your life. It gave me a whole new view on a lot of things. Buy it, and then read it. I'd like to thank my mentor Craig Filek (whom I have lost contact with, once he moved to New York) for giving me those books. Craig, if you ever read this, e-mail me.

Moving on, I'd like to address the thing known as doubt. Doubt is the great killer of all possibilities. If there is doubt in your mind, then you cannot accomplish what you want to accomplish. Doubt is excess baggage, and without it a person can accomplish ANYTHING. Things are not a matter of wishing, or wanting, or needing...they are a matter of DOING (or not-doing). Don't let yourself be dragged down by your own self-effacing ways. That's all I have to say about that.

Now, what does it mean to be human? I'm sick and tired of scientist lumping what a human is as a physical thing. They use only the physical, genetic, characteristics to describe humanity. I believe being human is more than that. It is a mental thing. Humans to me are basically evil, corrupted. Look at the world, and you will see it everywhere. I hate humanity. People are shit. Therefore, I have found a few like myself, whom are not at that mental level. That see beyond their eyes. That can think. A friend of mine calls us Users of the Art. I call us Enlightened, or Alive. The concept is an accumulation of things in the books previously mentioned, and my own beliefs (that I have found others to share). Because we do not exhibit the mental traits of humans, I don't believe we are humans, but the next step in evolution. A higher order of thinking (a mental/spiritual evolution, not a physical one...as described in The Celestine Prophecy) makes us up. I've argued this point with many and few...and I refuse to back down, because I know in my heart that what I say makes sense...and unless someone can thoroughly convince me otherwise, I will not back down.

Perhaps I went a bit off track about what I first intended to write about. Who cares? I feel that the inspiration has now left me, so I'm ending what I have to say here. If I get back to my true intentions, they will be written some other time, in some other rant, in some other column. Maybe this wasn't as long as I hoped...but even the short things I had to say have impact. They're deep, and I hope they make whomever reads them think. That's why I write. I write so others can relate to me. I write to make others think, laugh, cry, and perhaps so I can effect their lives (even if it be in a small and mundane way). That's why I write. Until next time.

~The FaLLeN ONe

Does everything you cannot see still exist? If so, how can you prove it without any outside method. Sitting in front of this computer I cannot validate that China exists. How can I? I cannot see it. I cannot touch it, hear it, smell it, taste it. Who am I to assume then that it still exists. Isn't that though what has been forced down our throats in science classes? That we cannot assume something. We must experiment and find conclusions. Nothing is ever conclusive enough. China still exists. It is not going anywhere anytime fast. A certain amount of assumption must be used in life. It is a variable that changes depending on the person. I can assume that aliens exist. There is an infinite amount of planets and solar systems just as there is an infinite amount of space. Therefore, I find it hard to believe ours is the only planet, out of trillions upon trillions, to support life. This may not be true for somebody else. You may believe that the presence of a God in inevitable, an assumption. But for me I find that hard to fathom. For reasons we will not explore today. Can it be said then that assumption in essence is perspective and in turn reason? Yes, Because our own personal truths, about religion, the supernatural, stances on political issues, and the such are based on our own assumptions in life. Our own beliefs. And our beliefs are shaped by our reason, our morals, and our logic. Why is it then that we feel our own personal assumptions must be true for everyone else? I believe it is because of this feeling instilled in all of us from an early age to prove that we are right, and there is one view point to every thing. Square pegs do not fit in round holes. But what about holes in the shapes of triangles or octagons. This column has little point or any, but I beg of you that if you read this please try to understand that your assumptions are your own, and ever-changing at that. Every belief has a foundation, but every foundation does not yet have a belief.

You can always tell the shit that's true -- it makes you mad.

You shall have the truth and the truth shall make you mad. - Aldus Huxley.

Don't claim shit unless you bout it, or you ain't shit.

I started... simply at first... drinking... Smoking... and forking. It wasn't long before doing an eightball (110$US street increment of cocaine) wasn't a thing, and I started stealing. For fun. And for food and profit. I stole a computer. It was a beauty. I put it in a humifier box. And purchased the box. Like 50 dollars. Top of the line computer. I put the computer in a new freezer. The college fridge cost more than the computer did. I don't know why I did it. I know I'm not right.

I started listening to crazy music (Everlast- So Long. "I think I'm going to die today. Everyone who hurt me is going to pay.") I put myself on medication. It didn't work. It worked better on valium than Li or Depakote. I wasn't right for a week. Everyone told me I was cold. But I think I'm BiPolar I Affective Seasonal. That's a hell of a thing to say. I think my Selective Seretonin Reuptake Inhibitors don't work right. I hear people calling my name... and I see things out the side of my eye. In other words I'm hallucinating... Somewhere along the line women became bitches.

[I] Know I talk about women disrespecting like they're just fish, but sometimes you have to wait all day, drink beer, and park on a dam to get a good one. (Like fish.) I'm almost 21. I'm fiercely intelligent... which makes me dangerous but I can't focus. I fixed computers today for an insurance company. And I stole a cordless phone... and this wall-switch that you touch to turn on. I had to defrost my computer today. I stole two slabs of BBQ Ribs last night. My friends and I devoured them. My friends ate it at in the morning. We ate it like rapors eat tricer... you know. I see people going round for round. ...

Spinning around each other shooting guns at each other... I think. I was standing in the doorway in Math148p the other day. I welcomed the teacher with some profantity ("Just the fucking man we were waiting for... I like yew.") And then I saw someone I didn't like. ... I was like, "And you, I fucking hate you." I knew the guy. He was an RA. He threated me with hearing boards and school expulsion. I told him everything. Told him I kind of wanted to fight him. I showed him how I attack... Left, Right, Center -- You get a rthym down after your first few fights -- I punch quick hard left hook, quck light, right hook, and down hard across the nose. Hopefully that three hit combo will nail anyone... He still refused to fight me. He let me know he just wanted to finish school. He looked nervious. Am I that man? The one who drives people insane and scared? I remember staring at him over a female. Guys are territorial. They can sense power and fear. I swear it.

I am insane and you are my insanity.

Promethyl

My other ride which is an 88 Bronco 2, I just pumped almost $600 into for a new radiator, heater core, and water pump, then I go out 2 days later and it's all like stalling and then it's smoking.....So I had to shell out $55 for a new battery and both valve cover gaskets have to be replaced, YEAH RIGHT, like I have another $300 bucks to spend right now......NO, cuz my boss is being a jerkoff.....My wife just got moved to another store and is working the opening shift, so I could work nights, and my boss says "Lemme know what your availability is so I can put you on the schedule".....so I go down and talk to her and everything seems fine she says I'll be on the next weeks schedule, well she is friends with my wife and told her that I said I didn't want to work with these certain people and I couldn't work this day or that day or these hours and those hours and I'm like what the freak are you talking about, I never said any of that......So I gotta find a new friggin job and it's kinda hard cuz I don't have a car to get anywhere now. So anyway I'm pissed and I'm bored and I can't find anything I want to do......I guess I'll quit ranting now and go look around and try to find some stuff for the site.