Wednesday, March 07, 2001

I wore a spring dress today.

Mirrored my mood. Things are starting to happen. My business is taking off. I'm getting clients. Life is good right now. I can't complain. It just seems like seeds I planted are beginning to peek out of the soil they were buried in.
posted by Tina Winslow 3/7/2001 12:44:59 PM

Friday, March 02, 2001

I'm feeling blue but not depressed.

Not wanting to do anything but then feeling alienated.

Pushing people out of my life but then sad that I don't have them there.

When I think of things I want to do, it involves hanging around the house but not wanting to be boring like that.

Feeling like I want to be adored and attention paid to me but not getting it. But it's all around me.

What does it look like. I want a backrub of a personal nature. I want to nuzzle and kiss and have someone care what went on in my day. To think about plans and such with another person. I want to hear stories and have fun and be domesticated and settle down and rent movies and make dinner plans and do things like that.

Good lord, help me. I think I'm ready to have a boyfriend again. Uh oh. Could this be loneliness creeping in?
posted by Tina Winslow 3/2/2001 03:07:38 PM

We are back from the dead. May it be a good omen.
posted by Tina Winslow 3/2/2001 12:47:12 PM

Monday, October 23, 2000

Ok. Robin requested I publish more here. So in essence I will try to do that.

It's Monday morning. Not much going on. I'm getting things ready for our weekly Cards on the Table meeting. It's sort of our company's anti-politics meeting. It keeps everyone at an even keel.

Weekend went well. I'm still not seeing anyone and I'm still ok about it. Even though Jeremy had a "friend" in for the weekend, I didn't notice too much angst over not having someone in my life. I have the opportunity to get filler but I don't want to do that. This is a first for me.

TO conciously, choose to be alone. I find it disturbing, hard and uplifting at the same time. I'm making myself go through the alone process and be ok with it. I can't say I'm fully alright with it but I can't say it bothers me completely either.

Most people who talk me notice this difference in me but can't figure out what it is. It's a centeredness, a quietness that I normally don't have. But they can't put their fingers on it so, I just say "I'm doing great, but tell me about you." And then I really listen to what's going on.

That's where I am today. Although my horrorscope says to try to take the high road today and not lose my temper. SO WATCH OUT today...! hahahahaha
posted by Tina Winslow 10/23/2000 10:51:29 AM

Monday, October 09, 2000

I was talking to Jen the other day and she was telling me about a Hillary Clinton shirt she ordered for us. It sounds cool and I can't wait to wear it.

I told her that since she got us those, that I would get us the other MUST have shirt of the season.

A Lick Bush t-shirt!!! I'm so excited. I need to get some Bumperstickers as well.

I love it!!!
posted by Tina Winslow 10/9/2000 02:40:42 PM

Thursday, October 05, 2000

Haven't written in awhile. Other stuff happening. Lots of stuff.

Job stuff is going well. We are in our new offices this week. It means transition, transition, transition. I have to switch from working from home and rolling out of bed. So I'm moving all our equipment up this week, rescheduling appointments that should have been later in the afternoon since I'm used to being at home and doing all the other stuff I need to do. This includes working out three times a week, feeding the parentals cats daily and planning a weekend or two or three at the lake.

Speaking of the lake, it's a cleaning weekend. Last weekend was supposed to be but it was sooooo beautiful the only thing we got done was the outside and that's just cause Jen and Gary came down and were motivated. This weekend, is laundry, stream cleaning of carpets and disaffecting appliances, dusting and a good general clean all the way around.

Nothing much more than that to report. I'll try to be more vigilant with my chitty chat here. Also once we are settled up here, I'll get back into making updates on POM. Transition is a bitch for us settled Taureans.
posted by Tina Winslow 10/5/2000 02:38:22 PM

Sunday, August 27, 2000

I lost *that* someone today.

When asked what he wanted, he wanted out.

I'm sad.
posted by Tina Winslow 8/27/2000 06:54:54 PM

Friday, August 25, 2000

I did it.

I sat down and told someone, whom I care for immensely, what I need. It was hard. I rushed it out and probably didn't wait for the best moment. But I did it.

Thankfully this person is very thoughtful and weighed what I had to say. Is still weighing what I had to say. But I know that he will give the thoughts and feelings I have a fair turn and respond with what he needs. In fact, I know this so well, even though it was my first voluntary conversation of this type, I'm not as torn up as I could be. Normally, it takes a long, long, long time for me to get here, to this spot mentally. I'm so twisted up inside, that at the end of a long tunnel of pain, I spit out that I'm not getting what I need. I'm such a pleaser that usually this is the first time my partner has heard I'm THAT unhappy. Or that's how I perceive the situation.

When I told Lucien that I needed more he got of the phone with me and I literally never heard from again. It took months to get over that reverse-reaction-rejection. No discussion, no compromise, no nothing. Just gone. The unspoken message was "how dare you ask me for what YOU want." It's frightening to put your true emotional needs out there and especially after having them downplayed for your entire life.

I just am not a game player. In this relationship, I analyzed how I felt, tried to decide if I was being unreasonable. And when I prayed about it, the only solution I came up with was being honest with him. I'm sure I could have set it up better, waited for days for him to contact me and then say I'm unhappy. But that's being dragged into the game. I'm standing in front of someone and saying here I am, are you with me.

I'm proud that I found it inside me. I'm proud that I got the courage up only a month after realizing things were going astray for me to say what I felt. I'm proud that I didn't do it with emotional blackmail or by being passive/aggressive. I stated how I felt in my heart. And even though it feels like someone has cracked my ribs and I'm exposed. I trust this person to gently put it back in my body if this isn't the right thing for him.

Now I have to wait. Something I'm not good at. Wait for him to think over what I said and respond. That's the only frustrating part. I told him how I felt and he needed to think about how he feels. I've never dealt with a situation like this.

But last night - In my belief system - I turned it over to God. If this is meant to be it will be. I did what I did out of being authentic, out of being honest and to keep my own self-integrity where I can see it.
posted by Tina Winslow 8/25/2000 10:47:37 AM