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home>>Yarrow's Mused Ramblings
Tuesday, May 9, 2000
Hello world! The planets have aligned and the world didn't end. Isn't that nice? Existence continues. I am very excited and nervous. I applied to be a Big Sister and today is my face to face interview. I have had my phone interview and sent in my application and gave them my references and now this is all that is left. I am sure it is going to go fine, but I am still a bit nervous. Sigh. Guess what I did over the weekend? I got a tattoo. Very exciting. It is my own design, something I have wanted to for a while. I went to this great place in Dallas called Obscurities. This is also the place where I had my bellybutton pierced. I recommend them highly if you are in this area. The people are neat, so even if you don't want a tattoo or piercing, stop by and say hi. On a completely different nontattoo related subject, I am listening to a Joni Mitchell live cd. It is mostly all her old hits and a couple of new songs. I like this song Jericho, it is about friendship and love. Here is my favorite part:
"I'll try to keep myself open up to you
That's a promise that I made to love
When it was new...
...I'll try to keep myself open up to you
It gets easier and easier to do"
Sigh. Just like my bestfriend Niffy always says, "love like you've never been hurt". Oh, I got to go, I have a meeting. Laters. :)
posted by Yarrow Fields 5/9/2000 2:43:01 PM
Wednesday, May 3, 2000
The planets aligning has me feeling more scattered than normal. I have been having trouble concentrating on one thing at a time. On a different note, I went sari shopping with a friend of mine tonight. I bought a very beautiful peice of fabric to make stuff out of. It is purple. My roommate was kind enough to tape Dawson's Creek to feed my unwillingly growing addiction. I hate to admit it, but I am starting to like the show. I like Pacey and Joey together. I think Dawson is a twerp. Joey and Pacey are finally together and they told Dawson and he was not happy. Anyway. I think I am going to go to sleep.
posted by Yarrow Fields 5/3/2000 10:26:26 PM
Monday, May 1, 2000
They gave me a pager! I know that it is a good thing that they (work, the man) gave me a pager. I just hate the idea of being accessible. I didn't have a phone until I moved in with my roommate. I like not being able to be found. It is a neat pager, I have to admit. You can send and receive email from it. There is something kind of fun about camping in the middle of nowhere and still being able to get my email. Sigh. I like it despite myself. I had a wonderful afternoon with my crush. I dropped by his house to say hi and we started talking (again, I only intended to stay like 20 or 30 minutes). Five wonderful hours later I go home (because it was getting dark and it was time for the Simpsons). We had great conversations and I made friends with his cat. I wonder if he knows that I am not going to give up on him... There is just something wonderful about spending the afternoon with someone you adore. We can talk about anything. Sigh. Anyway. I have decided to be a Big Sister. I think it will be fun to spend time with a child, to encourage them and spoil them. Everyone needs that. Well, I best be going home.
posted by Yarrow Fields 5/1/2000 5:19:33 PM
Wednesday, April 26, 2000
Happiness is exhausting. People keep asking me why I am grinning. I woke up smiling this morning. It all started Monday. I don't know why. Something in me just decided when I woke up.
posted by Yarrow Fields 4/26/2000 4:12:57 PM
Monday, April 24, 2000
I bought sassy shoes today. They look like these in style, but are red. Te-he-he-he. Today has been a loud day. Everywhere I go is noisy. I had to stay home this morning and wait for the fone guy to come and install a second fone line for my new parttime job. I made it in by noon and then went to lunch (which is when I bought the shoes). The rest of the afternoon has really been a blur. I just told my roommate about my shoes and she said, "I told you to buy shoes, not freak of nature shoes." I am in a flirty mood.
posted by Yarrow Fields 4/24/2000 4:51:40 PM
Thursday, April 20, 2000
Sigh...I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. So, there I was, Last Friday I think, driving to work. The car in front of me was going and then it slammed on its breaks. We were only going 20 miles an hour or so or there would have been more damage and some injuries. Well, the lady was really nice and I mean really nice. I was shaken, being it my first accident and all. She said it did look like much damage and we were both on our way to work, so we exchanged names and phone numbers and went on our way. So, here I am on a Thursday at work and I listen to my messages. I hear her name and it sounds familiar, I think, maybe it is a sales rep needing technical help, then she continues, "I am sorry I didn't get to you sooner, it looks like the bumper was pushed up more against the car and there is a weird rattle. I am getting an estimate..." Another message, an hour later, she sounds a bit worried, "Well, I got an estimate and my mechanic suggested that we just fix the bumper and then see if the dealership will fix the rattle since it is still under warrantee...please call me so that we can talk." I called and she was very nice and is willing to work with me and was glad that we had talked because she was worried that I was out of town or that I just wasn't going to call back because some people do that. I kept hoping that I had imagined the incident, but no, it was quite real. I don't like my reality very much today. I have to figure out what I am going to do.
posted by Yarrow Fields 4/20/2000 11:03:23 AM
Wednesday, April 19, 2000
All I want by Joni Mitchell
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be
Oh I hate you some, I hate you some
I love you some
Oh I love you when I forget about me
I want to be strong, I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want--do you want--do you want
to dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance
on maybe finding some sweet romance with me baby
Well, come on
All I really really want our love to do
is to bring out the best in me and in you too
All I really really want our love to do
is to bring out the best in me and in you
I want to talk to you, I want to shampoo you
I want to renew you again and again
Applause, applause--Life is our cause
When I think of your kisses
my mind see-saws
Do you see--do you see--do you see
how you hurt me baby
So I hurt you too
then we both get so blue
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling
It's the unraveling
and it undoes all the joy that could be
I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun
I want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
Want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free
Hmm,Hmm, Hmm, Hmm,
Want to make you feel free
I want to make you feel free
I love Joni Mitchell. My first introduction to her was A Case of You from my friend Niffy. We used to sing it in the car all the time when we were together. Sometimes you stumble across the song that puts your feelings into words you never could. Sigh...
posted by Yarrow Fields 4/19/2000 11:14:14 PM
I feel much the same way as Tina, there is a lot to say, lots I want to say, but I can't seem to say it. A lot have changed recently, or at least it seems that way to me. I have been somewhat successful with getting up and doing my purification breaths, if I don't do them in the a.m., I do them before I go to bed. I do notice a difference though, doing the breaths. It is amazing how the way you are breathing can affect your attitude and even the attitude of those around you. My old guide used to talk a lot about breathing. Take a deep breath when you are angry or feeling frustrated. Take a deep breath when you feel nervous. Take a deep breath before you do something that requires you to stretch your self (emotionally and/or mentally). Take deep breaths when you want to calm yourself or someone you are holding (can't calm a baby when your heart is racing). Taking deep breaths when you are making love can make you feel light-headed and make things feel more intense and it relaxes your body which helps the feelings to spread all the way to your finger tips (try it, it is great!). Breathing does not necessarily have to be quite though. In order to scream loudly, one has to breath deeply :)
Ok, that is enough about breathing. Yesterday, I went on a retreat of sorts. It was quite fun and informative. The retreat centered around collaborating. In the a.m., they talked about collaborating and we went through hypothetical situations. In the afternoon, we put the concepts into action in the form of a scavenger hunt. My team won. It was so fun. We learned a lot about each other and had a blast.
I guess it is time for an update on my crush... I am not really sure what to say. I am not really sure where I stand. We are still friends, and from what I can tell, good, close friends. I went to his apt Monday night, tossed pebbles at his window (just to get his attention) and we stood talking (he was on his balcony/patio and I was on the grass next to it). We mostly just talked. After a while I told him that I adored him (yes, adore, I looked in a thesaurus for a better word, but there really wasn't except maybe yen...). He told me he adored me too. He also said I had picked an odd time to tell him. He also said he was afraid, for his heart and our friendship. I don't know where that puts me. It hasn't made a difference in our friendship. I think it may have even brought us closer. He asked me if I thought we would be good together, I said I thought we would, he seemed a bit surprised at my answer. I thought our friendship could blossom nicely into something more. I still adore him, hopelessly. It is nice that we can say anything to each other. Sigh...
posted by Yarrow Fields 4/19/2000 4:55:23 PM
Monday, April 10, 2000
For those of you interested, you can try doing the purification breaths with me every morning. (if you don't make it every morning, that is ok.) I am a big fan of baby steps, so that is how I will pass this on to you. The first step is to get up a few minutes early everyday. After you eat breakfast, find a quiet spot, preferably in front of a window. Stand, with your arms at your side and complete the following breaths:
First Five: In the nose - out the nose (Earth)
Second Five: In the nose - out the mouth (Water)
Third Five: In the mouth - out the nose (Fire)
Fourth Five: In the mouth - out the mouth (Air)
For the first week or so, we will focus on thinking about receiving while you inhale and exhale, thinking that you are radiant. The point of these breaths is to ground you and help you find balance. Feel free to drop me a link and let me know how it is going. I will put more information up about the spiritual side once we have the habit down.
posted by Yarrow Fields 4/10/2000 10:56:10 PM
Sunday, April 9, 2000
"This is your life Charlie Brown" keeps running through my head. It is starting to sink in that I am not just daydreaming and playing dress up anymore. My company picnic was today. I had to go and mingle and smile. It wasn't so bad. It wore me out though. Part of me is still getting used to the idea that I am an adult. I am an adult with a life of my own and I can succeed. Sitting in meetings, I still feel a little strange contributing and telling people what to do. Standing in front of HIM, these are the most grownup feelings I have had. It is all a bit overwhelming and still a bit like a dream. I like where my life is going. I like the possibilities. I wish I had more confidence in my self at times to make the things I want happen. Part of me is so terrified at the idea of getting what I want. The other part is terrified of how it will feel if I don't.
posted by Yarrow Fields 4/9/2000 9:19:28 PM
We made up, my crush and I. I called him today to see if he wanted to get together for coffee. What I thought was going to be 45 minutes of talking and some appologizing on bother parts turned into 3 hours of bliss. (Not that kind of bliss.) We talked and talked and talked. It was nice. He actually appologized first. He said when he realized why I was upset he realized that an appology was needed. I appologized for my temper. I am not an angry person and I have managed to get angry at him a couple of times in the short time I have met him. We are both passionate people with some different views. In the end, I told him how I felt. I needed to. It was bothering me. Mostly, it was sitting there, across from him, our innocent conversation in full swing and all I wanted to do was, well... I didn't quite put it like that to him though. I think I stammered something out like..."I don't want this to change our friendship, but I like you..." At which point he said he liked me too very much, I wonder if he likes me that way though... I started feeling very vulnerable all of a sudden and used the excuse that his 7pm guest had arrived to duck out before he had a chance to break my heart. I don't know if that was what would have happened, but I was not ready to find out. This situation is new to me. There are so many sides to the situation. I am so attracted to him. We work together, which is what really complicates the situation. I like him, but sometimes we exasperate eachother. Intimacy with him comes so naturally.
posted by Yarrow Fields 4/9/2000 2:01:47 AM
Friday, April 7, 2000
We should talk about this problem by Hafiz
There is a Beautiful Creature
Living in a hole you have dug.
So at night
I set fruit and grains
And little pots of wine and milk
Beside your soft earthen mounds,
And I often sing.
But, still, my dear,
You do not come out.
I have fallen in love with Someone
Who hides inside of you.
We should talk about this problem÷
Otherwise,
I will never leave you alone.
posted by Yarrow Fields 4/7/2000 4:05:50 PM
The person I refer to in the first entry of my journal, my crush, well, we haven't been speaking. We haven't been speaking because I don't like the way he has been treating me (and others of our friends) and I told him so. It bugs me and it hurts that he doesn't respect his friends. It bugs me that it bugs me so. I hate the fact that I am still attracted to him and hope that he will change. I don't want to be with someone like that, bottom line. There is part of me though that misses his friendship. I miss our conversations. They were never about the weather. I don't miss though how it would hurt when he did something insensitive. On Monday or Tuesday I guess, I sit down at my desk and after 30 or so minutes (I am oh so observant) I notice a book that I had previously asked to borrow from him, when we were speaking. He was going to lend it to me when he was finished. I said thank you, the first words uttered between us in probably two weeks. Part of me hoped it was a peace offering, perhaps because he missed me too. I didn't ask though. It also made me angry, perhaps it was because it was that time of the month and I was PMSing. It made me angry that he could be such a jerk and then be so sweet. That is something about him that always bugged me. It frustrated me. Not only did I find the book, but, I ended up in a meeting sitting next to him for an hour and a half. By the end of it, I wanted to fuck him, use him for my pleasure and then leave before he came. Not may people bring out in me such primal, bizzare urges. God I wanted him and how I hated him for it. Sigh. Why must life be so odd and complicated? Why can't it be easier to say the things you want to say?
Note: Please don't misunderstand, he is not a complete asshole, as with all matters between two people, he was not the only one to blame. I had my moments too, I wish I hadn't but I did.
posted by Yarrow Fields 4/7/2000 9:34:30 AM
Monday, April 3, 2000
I have the daylight savings time hangover. I just want to crawl under my desk and go to sleep. Did any of you catch the debut of the tv show DC on the WB? It was about these early 20somethings making their way at their first jobs. They were idealistic, trying to make sense of the world outside of college. Some were still trying to find themselves, others new exactly who they were. It was a cute show full of promise. Watching the show, I felt like I had found the kindred spirits I was longing for. People like me. Excited. Terrified. Ready for what the world had to offer. Just realizing that they are becoming grownups and not sure how they feel about it. I felt restless after watching it and found myself rearanging my furniture into the wee hours of the morning.
posted by Yarrow Fields 4/3/2000 11:39:06 AM
Friday, March 31, 2000
Guess what my roommate just called to tell me? "I am in the mood for a game of croquet."
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/31/2000 3:52:41 PM
TGIF. This week has been crazy. Any week where there was a tornado on a Tuesday evening is crazy, even if nothing else happens. Jeremy took some pictures of the damage to downtown Ft. Worth if you want to check them out. I was on the southside of Ft. Worth in Borders with my roommate when it hit. It started to rain sheets of water and then we heard the sirens go off. Someone was on the phone with someone who worked in the downtown Pier 1 while it was happening. The bookstore announced over the intercom what happened as it happened, "The windows just blew out of the downtown Pier 1". The phones were down in my area so I was unable to call my family or friends to tell them I was ok. My grandfather called at 7:15 am and said, "I just picked up the morning paper..." He had not heard about it until his Dallas Morning News arrived. My grandmother was still asleep when he called, so when she got up they called again and she tearfully said they were glad I was ok. Crazy crazy. My mother, who doesn't really pay attention to the news didn't find out until she got my phone message saying I was ok and what happened the next day. Anyway. Downtown Ft. Worth looks like it was hit by a bomb. My creativity has been in overdrive, fueled by my insomnia. My roommate won't let me paint in the apartment because of the green, red and purple spots on the carpet of my old apartment--She wants to get the deposite back--so I have had to resort to other, easier to clean up, forms of creativity. Working on computers makes me want to go out and make creative things by hand. I decided to take up ribbon embroidery--don't ask me why. It is fun.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/31/2000 3:41:21 PM
Tuesday, March 28, 2000
I don't know about any of you, but sometimes I have a hard time with discipline, particularly with things that have to happen everyday in the morning. My guide gave me the practice of doing to purifications breaths everyday when I get up in the morning. Do you know how hard that is for me? I get up 30 minutes before I have to leave in order to get ready. Now, I have to get up 20 minutes earlier!?!?!? I don't know how I feel about that. I'd much rather have homework.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/28/2000 5:12:39 PM
Friday, March 24, 2000
For those of you who did not understand my last entry, I broke up with my boyfriend. That is all I have to say about that. Sigh. One of my favorite movies is going to be on tv this weekend, Prelude to a Kiss. For all you who have not seen it, I recommend catching it this weekend or renting it. It has Meg Ryan and Alec Baldwin. I just love Meg's character, Rita. I feel so akinned to her. I am finally starting to really feel better. I hate being sick. I have a hard time making myself just rest sometimes. I put the cushion to my papsan chair on the floor, gathered as many pillows as I could find and lounged around in my pjs. It was wonderful. For those of you who enjoy lounging in your pjs, you might want to check out one of my favorite authors, Sark. Her most recent book is The Ultimate Nap Book: Change your life without getting out of bed is meant to be read while lounging in your pjs. She writes all of her books while doing that. My favorite book by her is Succulent Wild Woman. She writes about finding balance through gentle exploration of our darkside and self discovery.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/24/2000 11:28:23 AM
Wednesday, March 22, 2000
No more Pookie.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/22/2000 8:51:15 PM
I just want to put my head down and go to sleep or cry. Beware of any drug that "may cause drowsiness". My temper seems to flare easily when I don't feel well. I have to remind myself to take a deep breath, count to 10 and make sure my reaction is proportionate to the problem. I also have the urge to listen to dark, reflective music when I don't feel well.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/22/2000 4:04:19 PM
I think a lot of people woke up on the wrong side of the computer today. Nothing makes your day such more than when you get in and there is a bunch of grumpy emails. Maybe the day will get better, it is only 9:30 afterall.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/22/2000 9:24:56 AM
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
It is really hard to stay angry at someone so sweet. Pookie decided to brave my bad mood and stopped by for a visit. He brought lime sherbet as a peace offering. He really seems to want to make this work. We cuddled together on the couch and watched Ally McBeal. It sure was an odd episode. I am not sure I liked it.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/21/2000 10:58:09 AM
Monday, March 20, 2000
Balance? Hmmmm... Balance is something we all strive for, whether we know it or not. The Sufis believe that part of balance comes from breathing. My friend, a recent initiate into the Sufi order, Khalissa and I were talking about the purifications breaths, something every Sufi is given as a practice. She didn't see how breathing could give balance. I think the trick behind the purification breaths is that you are suppose to sit in a quiet place for 20 minutes or so and clear your mind. You clear your mind by concentrating on your breathing and sometimes imagining a color. The Buddhists also use breathing in their meditation. My Buddhist guide gave me my first practice, clear your mind and think of nothing for 20 breaths. This is something I have yet to achieve. I think it may be time for me to take a nap. More later.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/20/2000 1:15:51 PM
I want to take a bubble bath. My bathtub is broken. I am not feeling well, so I may be a little grouchy. Deep breath. Do you ever feel like you have the UN and a punk rock band in your head getting louder and louder competing for attention? My mind is very loud today. I sometimes want to grab my hair in frustration and scream to quiet my mind. I am never somewhere where screaming would go over well. My best friend (we'll call her Skippy) and I used to have primal scream and cookie therapy. We'd go out to this empty field, scream really loud and then eat cookies and milk. It sounds weird but it does help. I didn't sleep well last night, I kept waking up and would be hot or really cold. There are several things I want to write, but I am having trouble organizing my thoughts. Lets see... why don't we start with my significant other, Pookie (note: names have been changed to protect identity). Pookie and I have been having some troubles. We had an aweful fight last weekend, actually, we have been fighting a lot. When we talk on the phone we don't seem to have anything to say and we both try so hard that we get polarized. When we are together it is like we have to have this 30 minute adjustment period where we get used to how the other operates, we usually end up fighting during this period and spend the rest of the day making up. Should a relationship be this much trouble? I am beginning to think no. Don't get me wrong, a relationship does take effort and work to keep it going, but you have to wonder, when both people are unhappy, what is it you are trying to save? We are very different. Very. I don't know where to go from here. A huge part of me just wants to walk away.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/20/2000 12:59:04 PM
Saturday, March 18, 2000
Hello. What a restful day. I slept for 11 hours. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept so much. Then I went to lunch with my family. Then we all came home for a family nap. I had a hard time getting up from that. After a diet coke and a peice of orgasmic pumpkin bread, I was back in business. My mom and I headed over the my eccentric great aunt Reba's house for a visit. It was so much fun. She is one of those "when I am eighty, I shall wear pruple" type of ladies. For a long time her front door was this brilliant shade of red. She painted over it in blue when her community association threw a fit because they thought it was suggestive. She told us this fun story about the time she shot a hole in the dinning room table with my uncle's 45. After hot cocoa and cookies, she showed us all of her new paintings. (Aunt Reba is an artist.) Our visit was too short. We had to rush back inorder to make it to a movie with my grandparents. We went to see the Straight Story. It was a true story about this man who at 73 decided to ride a John Deer lawn mower across three states to see his brother who had had a stroke and had not talked to for 10 years. It was really a cute movie, I highly recommend seeing it. It is not your typical hollywood picture.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/18/2000 9:55:21 PM
Friday, March 17, 2000
I am really quite excited, I am getting together with some old friends this weekend. I haven't seen them in quite a long time. Sometimes it is so hard to go back to your old haunts. I guess I worry that no one will remember me or they won't be happy to see me. I have never had an instance where I was visiting an old hangout where no one remembered me or was unhappy to see me, but istill creeps up in my mind. The what-if monster is really aweful sometimes. My friend Niffy says to think of the what-if monster as inflatable, like a water toy. Not only is a what-if monster harder to take serious when it is inflatable, but you can pop it with a needle or jump on it's head like in Ally McBeal.
Ok, so back to my dream... He is going out with this girl and I end up meeting her for whatever reason, I think we were doing something together like double dating. (As the day goes by I remember less and less about my dreams.) She is there and nice enough. There is the little mouse arrow from the computer. At first it is just there, but I guess my subconscious gets curious and starts to move it around. Well, I "click" on her head and it bops down between her shoulders. Well, so my dream goes on and I guess I am getting bored with what was happening at first, and so I keep "clicking" on her head. Bop. Bop. Bop. Bop. I wonder what that dream means. I do have some of the weirdest dreams.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/17/2000 3:08:35 PM
Test over. Hello... I'm Yarrow... The first entry of a new journal always intimidates me a little. Until the first word is written, the journal is perfect and unblemished. As Tina meantioned, I am 20 something, early 20 something to be more accurate. I am not sure what to write about so it may take me a few entries to get comfortable and rolling. Well, here goes... I had this weird dream last night. It is really all I have been thinking about today. A little background first, I have, not to my liking, developed a crush, on a friend of mine. It just kills me really, because I am so transparent when it comes to stuff like that that he has to know--there is just no way that he can't know. (Note: I am currently not interested in him finding out.) Anyway, back to my dream. Oh, now I have forgotten... Let's see... I can't remember (I have a terrible memory) now, I will have to come back to it.
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/17/2000 2:38:24 PM
This is a test of the emergency journal posting network. Please disregard
posted by Yarrow Fields 3/17/2000 12:34:16 PM
If you want to respond or talk back, please do!
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