Someplace where there isn't any trouble...
...do you suppose there is such a place, Toto?
There must be. It's not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It's far, far away...
Behind the moon
Beyond the rain

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high,
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly,
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then, oh why can't I?

I've been feeling much better these day. Funny how I find a sense of satisfaction, some sort of personal achievement fighting the plight donw, not allowing myself to take another plunge. I am amazed how everything just changes according to the way you feel about yourself and about everything in general. And being able to speak out, to contribute makes me happy.

:) So for now, till I get my monitor back... I miss coming online in the comfort of my room... which now has "yellow" comfy light instead of the bright glaring flourescent lights :)

I felt the same way just now. But this time maybe it was really something. I received something today. I had this feeling in me that I don't quite comprehend, that I don't quite know what is it or why is it that I am feeling this way. All I can think of is that I am worried about something. Not quite sure whether is that the exact thing that I am feeling.

Recently I have found myself bearing feelings and thoughts that got me ridden with guilt. Feeling so cheap because the mere thought of it makes me believe that I had betrayed someone. A Friend. I don't know why I feel this way. Or should I even feel all guilty about it. Why do we always get thoughts or even mild intentions of doing things that our own value system have come to despise or reject.

I wanted to tell someone this. To know whether this guilt ever so justifiable. Someone who I can share this filthy guilt with. I need an ear. Perhaps someone who can understand why. Someone who can pat me at the back and say 'you're growing my friend...' and would not judge me at all.

I do not believe in relative monogamy. Maybe I bought into the bubble gum romance that Hollywood has made us awed after. And maybe that doesn't apply at all to this kingdom that I very well am part of. And I know that how people chose to live their life or put their priorities is not up to me to put a label on. But nevertheless I felt angry. Every other justification for that matter is just excuses to me.

Maybe its me acting out. The idea that you don't know how lucky you are for having it when I can only hope that one day it would find its way to me. I think subconsciously I have come to convince myself that the loss and the constant void in me seems justifiable because there will come one day someone will come and swept me off my feet. And that makes the current enduring feeling of tha sinking heart somehow justifiable or even bearable knowing that there is a chance for change. Its like a refuge for me to hold on to what's left. That the echoes in the hollow of my heart actually speaks for someone. I'll just got to be there, sometime.

But now, I don't think anyone would be able to handle me seeing that mess that I had land myself in. I don't know whether I still look forward to that face behind the tinted glass. But I know that I have come to stay firm for myself. Discarding any notion of any help from the romance of love. I think it had do me some good. If it hits then shall I let it take its course. Or else I don't think I want anything for the moment. But a reserve for myself to relish and find value in everything that I am or would be doing. That would be more important to me.

Anyway :) Merry Christmas and a Happy Boxing Day.