I haven't written here in about two months which seems like an eternity for me. I have been writing at the OD again, though. Well, to update, I did go to Mike's funeral. It was rather short...no singing or anything else that I expected to see. A lady (or possibly man) left her cell phone on and it rang twice during the funeral. Well, more than twice, but from two different calls. The first time could have been an accident, but she should have turned it off after that...I couldn't believe how disrespectful she was...

I saw James there...I hugged him and gave him my phone number because I wanted to talk to him, but he never called me. I guess that's that.

Mom is getting a divorce and we've already moved to our new home. It's really the place we lived in before we moved the last time, so it sucks, but it's paid for. I hate it here and I'm ever so lonely, but as far as my emotional stability, I'm finally alright. I am not happy yet, but apathy is a stepping stone. It's really hot in here right now, so I think I will finish this up later. I do plan to write in here again.
posted: 1:59:43 PM

Today is the viewing...my mom went and so did her husband, but I can't...I'm not fucking ready for this...the funeral will be tomorrow and I won't be there, either...I still can't really believe that he did it...I just...his stupid fucking ex wife knew how much he loved his kids...she fucking KNEW...she used that against him and then he just snapped...I hope she can't fucking live with herself...

It hurts so much...and disgusts me that the good ones die and leave behind the selfish, fucked up people...the ones that don't really deserve to live...so maybe being a good person equals weakness...I don't know....I just hope that the kids know how good of a man their father was...he was a wonderful father...a wonderful friend....he shouldn't have died...but at least he lasted as long as he did...

I keep thinking that maybe I should go to the funeral...I might regret it if I don't...but this is the first time I've had to deal with death and I don't think I'm ready...

I can't believe the way my sister acts..she is such a bitch...rolling her eyes or ignoring my mom just because she's upset...Lynn accused mom of flirting with Mike...saying that it made her sick the way she acted around him....Just because Lynn is a fucking whore doesn't mean Mom is...Mike was a wonderful friend to my mother...he was there for her when no one else was...I tried to be, but there's only so much I can do for her as her daughter...no one else seems to fucking care...so fuck them all. They don't understand and if they do, they don't care....

This whole thing..I can't begin to express my rage...Lynn is a horrible person....so is Aunt Nette..and RT isn't that much better...and Mike's ex wife....so why do the good ones suffer? Why are they the ones that have their spirit crushed by all the fucking selfish leeches? I just...I don't fucking understand...
posted: 4:31:05 PM

He fucking killed himself....Mike is gone...the same Mike that kept getting in political debates with me about religion in the military...how Bush would be a better president...he had morals...stood for the common man...he was so nice...

I just....I can't believe this shit...he hugged me...and he was so close to my mom...and he loved his kids...and he had friends...I guess it was his ex wife that put him over the edge...he had just finished dinner and the dishwasher was open and everything...then he just up and killed himself...no note or anything...

I have no idea how to deal with this...no one I've ever been close to has died...certainly never killed him/herself....I...the words aren't there...he's gone and now...what the fuck about his kids? They're left with such a bitch for a mother and no more loving father....Mom really cared about him...they were there for each other...he called a few days ago...it was nice to hear his voice again....

Just one bullet to the brain and it's gone. CaTigeReptile tried to start the bullshit about "well I guess it's good in a way because now you know how others would feel..." well FUCK THAT! HE'S FUCKING DEAD AND SHE'S JUST TRYING TO SHOW ME THE MORAL TO THE FUCKING STORY! I DON'T NEED THAT! I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE THE MORAL TO THE STORY! I don't want him to be gone...

This all seems like a bad fucking dream...or just another one of the fucked up scenarios I always end up creating in my head...what if...well it's not a fucking "what if" anymore....what's really sad is that I'll probably just go back to refusing to think about anything anymore tomorrow...and not give it very much thought after this...what am I supposed to do?

Randomly burst into tears in the following days or weeks because he's gone? I'm scared that I don't feel that level of emotion..he did matter to me...he was a wonderful person...I don't want to be so cold hearted...he did fucking matter so why am I going to stop caring?

This is too fucked up...I can't....I....

"Please don't go...It's like a death in my family..."
posted: 11:48:50 PM