wednesday, september 12
I'm shutting down emoshunz.net... I really don't have much to say about it because I've already mentioned it a few times before. Although, I still want to keep blogging and designing every so often... so if anyone knows of anyone that's hosting at the moment... please hit me up with an email:
right hereGOOD-BYE EMOSHUNZ.NET
manapua princess was fucked up @ 4:44 PM
saturday, september 8
I can't believe I'm up this early... especially from having such a tiring day yesterday. Well, Chanelle and I took Eduardo's lil sister shopping with us yesterday. I was totally worried for nothing cuz she's way cool =) After our long day of shopping, I treated them out to the Olive Garden, where we ate way too much. Then after that we did a lil more shopping... actually, we went to Mary Jane's House of Glass so that I could find Eduardo a present. After some careful decision making, I opted for the big huka =) Then we all headed back for the apartment cuz everyone was coming over. I gave Ed his present and he apparently he liked it alot hehe. He was so anxious to break it in =) I don't remember much of what happened after that tho... all I remember was that I was extremely tired from walking around all over and eating and smoking out that I just passed out. I don't even remember getting up to leave... but I think that we left relatively early compared to how long we usually stay. I just felt bad for Ed cuz he had to work in the morning. So yeah... that was my interesting Friday. *shrug*
I did have a dream this morning tho where there were some psycho guys in my garage. They were digging something up and I was so afraid that they were gonna come inside, but when I tried calling 9-1-1 I'd never get through. There were a couple times that I'd dial and I got Chanelle's house or something like that. Or my phone just wouldn't dial. Then I realized that it was a dream, so I woke myself up. It was so weird cuz it felt sooooo real *shivers* Anyhoo...
manapua princess was fucked up @ 8:53 AM
thursday, september 6
Congrats to
Peter on becoming associate of the month!!! *beeg hugz* I'm so proud! hehe
manapua princess was fucked up @ 7:55 PM
So today was the big day... the moment of truth *deep breath*
As predicted, I didn't get much sleep last night because all I could think about was the fact that I was gonna see Eduardo in the morning. I went to bed at 9pm (waaaaay too early for me to go to bed)... then I woke up at 11:40 cuz Jackie called for my sister... then I woke up again at 12:30 and I thought it was like 3 in the morning... then I actually did wake up at 3... and then finally at 4:30. After that, I couldn't go back to bed again so I stayed up and watched Jenny Jones. I started to get ready for work real early... I had to look good today haha.
As soon as I got to work, I was bombarded with work to do. This stupid Windows XP crap is giving me a headache. I had to make like 40 different signs today dealing with our promotions for that. So time went by real quick... and before I knew it, he was in the store. I was leaving my lil office space when I saw Orlando (his roommate) walking down the hall... I panicked (is that how you spell it? It doesn't look right *wrinkle*) Anyhoo... I panicked and then looked to my right cuz that's where the breakroom is and there he was. I got him a danish for his breakfast at Starbucks so he was looking at that when I saw him... and I was like, "Hey..." And he looked up. He gave me a hug, but it felt like it was one of those "i have to give you one" kinda hugs. So I just left... I didn't know what to do and I just left. It wasn't a sudden kinda departure, I just kinda said "no worries" for the danish and walked off like I had important work to do.
I'll try to make this story as short as possible, so here's what happened. I was totally bummed cuz I thought that a lot of things between us had already changed. I thought that maybe during those 3 weeks, that he thought about things and just didn't want to be around me anymore. I got so bummed that I started crying uncontrollably. I called Chanelle and told her that my paranoia was being backed up and that things were really bad. She tried to cheer me up, but it wasn't working. So what did she do? She showed up at work with my sister with flowers for me... how sweet yeah? It was so sweet of a gesture that I started crying again. I just couldn't believe that I was right this whole time... that I was being paranoid for a reason. *sigh*
So lunch time rolls around and Eduardo's hanging around my desk and we get to really talking. It was nice, but I tried to just play it off by doing my work. For a while, there were others hanging around too... but as soon as people left, I was like, "Aren't you on your lunch?" He said he just wanted to hang out I guess. But then after a while he said he wanted to go somewhere... so we did. We drove around the island and parked out by the docks. Boy was I nervous... I mean, it was just Ed, but still.
He asked a lot about what I did while he was gone... which was basically nothing. I went on and on about the problems going on around here and that was about it. I also told him how I may be moving in with Roger real soon here... but that it was way too expensive and too far away. Then, out of nowhere, he was like, "Wow, we should just find a 4-bedroom house and then you can move in with me, my sister, and Orlando. But you probably wouldn't want to huh? Or would you?" I just kinda sat there cuz I didn't believe that he was asking me that. I didn't want to sound real anxious, so I was just like, "Umm... yeah I would." And then we just kinda changed the subject to something else. He told me that he missed me tho... and that made me feel so much better. Apparently, when I called him on his birthday, he wasn't in the middle of anything... he was nervous! Can you believe it! I guess I caught him off guard and he got all nervous cuz we hadn't talked in a long time. Also, his mom was giving him a hard time about me... asking all kine questions hehe. She was like, "Wow, that was very nice of her to call you on your birthday... wasn't that nice?" And just all that motherly type stuff hehe.
So yeah... everything's good for now. I'm waiting to see if he's gonna call when he gets home from work. He mentioned something about going to Costco tonight to go develop some film or something like that. Which will probably mean that I'm gonna get to meet his sister *sigh* I'm soooooo nervous! Then again, I don't want to get all da kine happy cuz things usually go really bad when I don't think they're going to... you know what I mean? I suppose I'm just happy that he doesn't hate me right now or something =)
manapua princess was fucked up @ 5:10 PM
tuesday, september 4
Wow... the first time in a while I stick around to see who comes online on AIM and
EVERYONE is on there! I guess that could be a good thing... but right now, my heart feels pretty crappy, so we all know what that means.
First of all, Brian was online... for some reason the IRS has been sending my crap over there, so I haven't recieved my rebate check yet. Since he was on, I thought I'd bug him about it cuz I need it. Then he got into this whole thing about why we're not talking anymore... and blah blah blah. I'm just so tired of fighting with him already. He just doesn't get that it's not worth it... we're been through so much already. Enough is enough. We're not even in love... I don't know that I even have any sort of love for him left. So he pulled some shit that he's changed... he's not the same guy anymore. Yeah... and those are just words... how is that proving to me that he's changed? I can say that I'm Jenna Jameson's girlfriend, but that doesn't prove shit. He doesn't understand how hurtful he was...
Then I saw Ed online... of course, it wasn't to talk to me. I noticed that his ex was online too... and since he wasn't saying much to me, I figured it was her who he was talking to. And when she left, he left too saying that he had to get ready for the drive tomorrow. You gotta understand how that made me feel... especially after this morning... oh goodness. I feel like I could just cry forever right now. And I don't even know why I let that boy get to me... he's just a boy. And he isn't even my boy. He's just a boy.
I guess I'm just really scared to face the truth... that things won't be the same with us... really really really really scared. For the past 3 weeks, I've been picturing in my mind how it would be when I saw him again... it's definately not close to how it most likely will turn out. *sigh* Why do I put myself through this crap? I should just stay away from any kind of relationship period.
manapua princess was fucked up @ 10:05 PM
Everyone make way for
Lily... the newest sensation to hit emoshunz.net *big smilez*
Also be on a look-out for yet another new hostee here at emoshunz.net... they don't want me to publicize until they get everything up and running, so I'll leave it at that =)
manapua princess was fucked up @ 9:14 PM
What the hell is
this crap??
by the way...
Happy 22nd Birthday Eduardo! *muah*
manapua princess was fucked up @ 6:14 PM
Well, you know how I've been paranoid about things being different when he comes back? I thought that calling him for his birthday would ease my paranoia... boy was I wrong! I gave him a call this morning at his parents house in Cali to wish him a happy birthday and to see how he's doing blah blah blah. Now, our conversation was pretty normal I guess... he was telling me about his vacation and blah blah blah, but during the first part of our talk, he kept laughing. It was like he was drunk, high, or "fooling around" with someone. but it was fricken 9 in the morning so I know that fool was at least not drinking. I highly doubt he was getting high cuz he's at his parent's house. Anyways, his laughter was a bit intimidating... and for the rest of the conversation, I felt real weird. I wanted to talk to him longer, but it just didn't feel right. I couldn't talk to him like I used to... I'm not sure what it was either. It kinda sounded as if he were pre-occupied... with someone else. Do you guys know what I'm talkin about? Have you ever called someone in mid-fornication... and they have that kinda tone... and you just
know that there's someone else there, but they just don't want to admit it? Well, that's what it sounded like. As soon as I got off the phone, I just kinda sat there at my desk... I didn't even know what to think. Maybe I
am just paranoid. That's what everyone else told me. Maybe he was just watching some funny TV show. Maybe...
Then, being the person that I am with so many emoshunz, I started to tear. Geez, I felt so ridiculous. I had this whole thing planned for his birthday present... something real cute and meaningful... but now I'm having thoughts about it. That phone call totally set my day to be a bad one. And to make things worse, a really good friend of mine at work... someone I considder to be a big brother to me... told me something about him and his wife that made me start balling on the spot. It was awful... he was like, "Don't cry... I did enough of that this weekend." And what he told me made me take a look at things in my own life... and it scared me so bad. I was so down for the rest of the day. I asked my manager if I could bail out early cuz I wasn't feeling good... so he let me go.
So now I'm home... just finished taking a few hits... and now I'm good to go. Only, I'm hella hungry and we've got absolutely no food around the house. Not that I really need to eat anything... I'm supposed to be losing the pounds, not gaining more *barf*
manapua princess was fucked up @ 5:37 PM
sunday, september 2
How did 3 weeks all of a sudden turn into only 3 days?? *wrinkle* I can't wait to see him again, but I'm so nervous. I know that when I see him I'm gonna start crying... only cuz I've gone through a lot these 3 weeks and it'll be really good to be with someone that can take me away from all the craziness. But 3 weeks is a long time... things change. And I suppose I'm just afraid that while he was gone, things happened that would change his mind about our so-called relationship. You know what I mean? I guess I
could just be paranoid... but still. He left here 3 weeks ago thinking that he wasn't going to see me for a very very very long time... thinking that I was moving on and living life back in Hawaii. If I were him, things would've changed for me too... I would've seen it as a chance to try new things and what-not. And being away from your everyday life would be the perfect chance to try those new things *sigh* I have this feeling that things will never be the same and that all I've got now are memories of what used to be...
manapua princess was fucked up @ 9:19 PM
friday, august 31
For the majority of the day, I was locked in my room listening to sappy slow jams... as much as I hate being depressed, I did a lot of thinking about my life and what I'm doing with it.
I know I focus a lot of being and falling in love... and a big part of that has to do with the fact that I've never really know what love is. Whether it be the friendship, family, or relationship kine love... everyone's managed to take that opportunity away from me.
As for the other things in life... I have all that I want. For a 20 year old, I'm proud to say that I've accomplished a lot of things and have all the material things that I could possibly want right now... everything except for love.
So is it wrong for me to want so badly to love and be loved?? Everyone says that he (or she) will come along when I'm not looking... that I should just be patient and not look for it. But it's so hard to not look for it when it's the only thing that you want... you know what I mean? All I want is to be happy... I'm sure that's not too much to ask for.
manapua princess was fucked up @ 10:57 PM
I was about to fall asleep last night when I finally figured out what I was going to get Eduardo for his birthday *beeg smile* I can't say here tho cuz he'll be back in Cali this weekend, and I don't want to run the chance of him checkin up on my site while he's down there =)
manapua princess was fucked up @ 11:35 AM
thursday, august 30
Damn... I'm so sorry for not being around (I'm talkin' to all of you who emailed me in the past week). Lots and lots of crap going on so I haven't had much time to actually sit at the computer to make a difference. Everytime I get on this thing, I get sick of it easily cuz I spend most of my day at a computer at work... so you know how that goes. Anyhoo... I'm taking the time now to just say "aloha" to you all =)
Obri flew up here earlier this week... He's staying at a friend's place in Beaverton (about 45 min. from here). Considdering that he's mainly up here on business, we've got to spend a lot of time together. Although, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Oddly enough, since we've been hanging out, I see him more and more as just a friend than anything else. Unfortunately, he doesn't quite feel the same way. Now don't get me wrong, I love being around him... he makes me feel like his queen... he definately does more for me than Eduardo does. But I just don't feel it... I guess I can understand how Ed feels around me *wrinkle* Anyhoo... Obri's leaving in a few days and still thinks I'm leaving with him. I guess I haven't really told him "no" yet *shrug*
As for Ed... he'll be back here in less than a week. Damn... time went by hella fast. I still don't know what day he'll be back in town tho... I'm guessing the day after his b-day cuz he has to be back to work the day after that. The closer it gets to him coming back home, the more nervous I get. I guess I'm just having lots of mixed emotions. What I'm really worried about is what happened on his lil vacation. Even tho he's got no commitment to me what-so-ever, I just get all da kine when I think of him being with someone else. What if he met some chick down there? What if they hooked up? I mean... he thinks I'm in Hawaii living it up with Obri... so why wouldn't he go for some chick if the situation was right? And even if there was no other chick, now that his sister is gonna be with him, things are gonna be way different with us. We can't go on like we always do cuz she'll be around, and Ed has this weird thing against that. I suppose he feels it's disrespectful... even if it is his house and not his parents. I mean, Zaira is 18 for God's sake... she's not stupid. She's gotta know what goes on in the real world where people "hook up" without any problems. Then again, Ed loves his lil sisters and is very protective of them... which I can understand. *shrug* I dunno. I guess I won't know anything until he gets back... I'm still thinking of how I'm gonna let him know I'm still in town. Should I give him a call on his birthday?? Or should I wait until he gets back and just surprise him?? What do you guys think?
manapua princess was fucked up @ 6:09 PM
