"I sound my barbaric YAWP over the roofs of the world." - Walt Whitman Check this box to have links open in a new window •BonniNet •About This Domain •Current Blog•Contact •Top of Page •Archive• Tuesday, 18 September Amazingly, I managed to produce a new piece of art. It's nothing spectacular, but it was fun to do. It's for the Colours project, and here's the entry at elizabyte that describes it. 18 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• On a private list (with a specialized topic), I echoed what another member said and gently suggested that people on the list try to get back to some semblance of a normal life. I said it as gently as I could, and I meant it gently. Shortly after I posted that, the listmanager noted that people in the United States had been asked to return to work and asked that we on the list return to list business and the stated list topic. Today I get a semi-flame from someone who complained that it's "all very easy" for me to suggest people try to move on but that she's a military wife and I obviously don't understand and then a bit of a sob story about clinical depression and other matters. Normally, I wouldn't be too fussed by this, but for pity's sake, I am a military brat. My father served in Viet Nam. I was a military wife, too. My former brother-in-law was part of Desert Storm. One of my fondest online friends is a military wife, and I have family in New York as well as other friends attached to the U.S. military. It's hardly like I'm unfamiliar with the stress and pain and worry that goes along with being a military family! Furthermore, I suffered from clinical depression, too, as well as eventually having to be treated for manic-depression. I still have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (it never really "goes away"; it just lessens to the point that you can deal with it better). I spent a great deal of my life with mood swings and more than once I nearly died as a result of my shaky mental/emotional state. I'm hardly unfamiliar with the pain and difficulty of having a mood disorder or other mental illness! I understand being afraid. But I cannot and will not allow fear and worry to overwhelm my life. Not again. Never again! I'm not insensitive, I'm a survivor. And pardon the hell out of me for trying to encourage other people to be survivors, too... How rude of me. Much better to wallow in fear and worry and let the bastards win... *sigh* Normally, I wouldn't even comment on this, but it upset me. If that particular list doesn't return to normalcy and on-topic posts soon, I think I may leave the list. Edit: I just wanted to add that I do understand that "normal" is being severely redefined for literally millions of people and that maybe it's impossible to get back to it. That has my deepest compassion. I admit I've never lived through a tragedy like this in my own backyard, so I don't know firsthand (although I have survived a fire that destroyed everything I owned, crushing mental illness and breakdown, two divorces, and a lot of other personal hurts that many people don't have to endure, so I can certainly sympathize). I can only imagine how awful it is to live and work in what is now, essentially, a war zone. This is the stuff of which Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is made! Mostly, I don't like being accused of being insensitive (of all the things I am, insensitive is really not one of them, I promise you; in fact, most people who know me say I'm too sensitive and overly compassionate, if you can believe that!). I'm just a big believer in "Stand up, breathe in and out all day long, eat when you must, and do what you have to, and hopefully, eventually, you won't have to remind yourself to stand up, breathe in and out all day long, etc." (shamelessly paraphrased from Sleepless in Seattle, I admit it). I don't believe that indulging in self-pity or wrapping yourself in your fear as if it were a blanket ever does anyone any good. I'm definitely not of the "get over it" type of mentality, but I am of the mentality that says that if you give in to your terror, then those who would terrorize you have essentially beaten you. Don't let the bastards win. That's been my motto for a long time. Well, that and "F*$k 'em if they can't take a joke", but somehow I think that's not entirely appropriate at the moment... 18 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• Yesterday was a gorgeous spring day. Andrew and I went out briefly to pick up a few groceries and get lunch (fresh pizza, mmmmm). After we got back I had a bit of a rest and lay very comfortably in the bed as the sunlight filtered through the green curtains and the trees outside the window. For the first time in a long time, I was enveloped by a feeling of well-being and contentment. And as I lay there in a state that you could pretty much describe as meditation I was feeling very thankful that I did have the sensation of safety and comfort, and then my thoughts turned to how sad it is that hundreds of millions of people do not have that feeling. Most of the people who don't feel a sense of well-being have perfectly good reasons for that. They live in poverty, perhaps persecuted, perhaps simply caught in a bad situation out of which they can't seem to escape. Some people, though, choose to live in fear. I know this because I did it for years and years. I was always afraid, always waiting for something awful to happen, and when it did, I felt strangely relieved, at least for a little while. I always used to feel persecuted and hunted, mostly because I was always afraid. Eventually, I learned that fear drives most people, most of the time. Fear can make people stay in bad relationships, in jobs they hate, in all sorts of situations that stress and even harm them. Fear can push you to make all sorts of decisions you later regret. Fear controls you in a very destructive way, and keeps you from reaching your full potential. It's normal and natural to be afraid, especially when you've got good reason. I had my reasons for being afraid, and so do other people. It's not necessary, though, to live in fear or to let your fear control you. Everyone fears. Not everyone allows that fear to rule them. The only way I've ever been able to come to a point where I could honestly feel a strong sense of well-being and contentment was to stop allowing fear to rule me. Yeah, I still get afraid. All the time. Sometimes for totally weird reasons. I can be very paranoid, in fact. But it no longer controls my life or my decisions. Please, don't let fear control you or ruin your life. You can beat it. I did it, and if I can beat the fear cycle, anyone can. Be afraid, acknowledge your fear, and then go forward. After all, courage doesn't mean you're not scared. It just means you didn't let that stop you from doing what you had to do. 18 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• •BonniNet •About This Domain •Current Blog•Contact •Top of Page •Archive• Monday, 17 September This is from best-selling writer Jo Beverley, regarding the recent terrorist attacks in the U.S.: My only strong feeling at the moment is that we should try not to divide humanity into us and them. People from many nationalities died in the attacks, and people all around the world are horrified and appalled by them. I wholeheartedly agree. 17 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• Why the Bombings Mean That We Must Support My Politics. 17 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• •BonniNet •About This Domain •Current Blog•Contact •Top of Page •Archive• Saturday, 15 September We saw Chocolat today. Very good film. Nice production values, solid performances, good story. I have to admit I was extraordinarily tense through most of it, mostly because it's set in a small, very oppressive town where you're expected to act in certain ways and if you can't, you're expected to pretend. This, dear readers, is the stuff of my nightmares sometimes, because I've had some really bad experiences in small towns that wanted me to conform or, basically, cease to exist. However, that's my own personal demon, and no reflection on the film at all. It's a good movie. I recommend seeing it. But beware... it may well give chocolate cravings. Oh, yes, and the overall underlying theme of the move (at least as far as I'm concerned) was great: Chocolate can change the world in a positive way. 15 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• •BonniNet •About This Domain •Current Blog•Contact •Top of Page •Archive• Friday, 14 September Want to know how to: 1) make your images safe from being indexed by AltaVista, Google, and Ditto 2) prevent direct-linking (i.e., bandwidth theft) using .htaccess 3) spam-proof your email address for use in a web page? Look at this new page at Alicorna. 14 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• I'm finally feeling better. I did have nightmares, but they had nothing to do with terrorism (as far as I can tell). Andrew's grandfather called this morning to see how I was. Granddad was a Methodist minister for decades (and a military chaplain for some 17 years) and he was being very pastoral and checking up on his flock. Thankfully, I do feel better and could tell him that. My sense of humor is returning, and this is a Good Thing. My sense of humor is one thing that has helped me survive some pretty horrific stuff in my life. Today someone sent this URL: A Face in the Smoke (will open in another window so you can make comparisons). I think it looks like George Clooney as Batman. Look at the chin! Andrew, though, thinks it looks more like the face on Mars (will open in another window). So it seems that either Mavin the Martian or Batman were somehow involved in this... It's a cartoon conspiracy! Then again, someone else thinks the smoke looks like bunny wabbit, so maybe Bugs is in on this, as well... 14 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• •BonniNet •About This Domain •Current Blog•Contact •Top of Page •Archive• Thursday, 13 September The backlash against Muslims and/or people of Arabic background makes me absolutely sick. I have known and worked with many Muslims. Not one of them would have supported or endorsed terrorism. Islam does not teach people to commit suicide (in fact, suicide is absolutely against the teachings of Islam, just as it's against the teachings of Christianity), it does not condone acts of terrorism on civilians, it does not support most of the things that a handful of wild-eyed and possibly insane fringe groups claim. The thought of the Muslim people I know being harassed, tormented, possibly having their mosque attacked, well, it just makes me sick. The kind of hateful people who would enact violence against others merely for being of Arabic descent or for following Islam (and not all Arabs are Muslim and vice versa!) are no better than the terrorists, in my opinion. 13 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• Point one, and it's a gripe. This terrorist attack was not an "attack on freedom". It was an attack on the symbols of a powerful nation that is disliked in many parts of the world. The United States hardly has some sort of patent on "freedom", and pretty much all western, industrialized nations enjoy the same freedoms as most Americans, maybe more (such as the freedom from having to worry about how you're going to get decent health care). So in my estimation, "freedom" had nothing whatsoever to do with this terrorist attack. I wish the media (and Dubya) would stop blathering on about how "freedom" was what was being attacked. And to be perfectly honest, I don't care all that very much about the buildings, themselves. Yes, they were landmarks, etc. but as buildings go, they were typical 70s glassy skyscrapers, nothing more. The big tragedy here is that people lost their lives and their families. Terror has been inflicted on a nation. NATO and many other nations are now in a state of outrage and ready to engage in hostility. But what it all comes down to, ultimately, is people. People did this, people are suffering because of it. And I fear deeply that a lot more people are going to suffer. Most people I know think I'm too cynical. Maybe I am. Today I feel perfectly justified in my cynicism. 13 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• •BonniNet •About This Domain •Current Blog•Contact •Top of Page •Archive• Wednesday, 12 September There's a "Nostradamus prophecy" circulating around the net at the moment which people are claiming has something to do with the current crisis in the United States. The one I received had this: In the City of God there will be a great thunder, Two brothers torn apart by Chaos, while the fortress endures, the great leader will succumb" , "The third big war will begin when the big city is burning" - Don't believe it. It's a hoax. Nostradamus "predicted" all sorts of stuff, most of which is meaningless drivel, but this isn't even a genuine Nostradamus writing! 12 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• If you don't read ctrl-alt-ego, drop by and have a look. Faith lives in NYC and witnessed a lot of what went on there. She has a photograph she took herself of the smoking tower (obviously, before it fell) and a stunning account of how she experienced the events that have stunned so many people. 12 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• I still feel sick. Went to bed, slept very poorly, lots of strange, meandering dreams that involved exploding buildings and so forth. And today I still feel sick, and afraid. Afraid for the world, afraid of what might happen as a result of this. I thank God yet again that I am on the opposite side of the planet, but my heart truly goes out to those who are directly affected by this awful act of cowardice and insanity. I think that's all I can write for now. I don't feel well, in more ways than one. 12 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• Have the TV on in the background. It's after midnight here. Just heard the news about the World Trade Centers, and went to have a look at the television, and I'm just stunned. Truly stunned. I'm angry, I'm shocked, I'm just horrified to think of the hundreds of thousands of people who are injured or killed, and the horrible ripples of pain that will go out from those deaths and injuries, how the families and friends of these people will have to suffer further. And I have to wonder what the hell this was supposed to accomplish. The rest of the world are condemning this terrorism. What good is this going to actually do? None. No good. Evil begets evil, and death begets death. Sometimes I really hate human beings. 12 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• •BonniNet •About This Domain •Current Blog•Contact •Top of Page •Archive• Tuesday, 11 September Forty percent of Americans have an ancestor who passed through Ellis Island. I'm one of them. My paternal grandmother came to the United States with her two sisters and their father just before WWII. Naturally, I was interested to learn about the Ellis Island website. I haven't found my grandmother yet, but I haven't found anyone with her first name and that last name yet. I'll keep at it. I haven't been looking all that hard. It's also interesting to note that when the website first openein in April of this year, it was receiving some 27,000 hits per second, making it one of the most successful website launches in history! And in case regular readers are wondering, no I'm not actually taking up geneology. Lately I just seem to keep coming across sites that interest me and which do have something to do with geneology and/or history. Okay, well, I admit it. I visit history-related websites pretty regularly because, uhm... I'm a history geek. But I'm not a geneologist... yet... Edited to add: I've figured out why I can't find my grandmother or anyone else in her family. The records (at least the ones online) only go through 1924. 11 September 2001 •link it to me, baby• •BonniNet •About This Domain •Current Blog•Contact •Top of Page •Archive•